I haven't been here as there really isn't anything to say that hasn't been said or felt already. Things are ever evolving as much as I feel things are static.
School keeps me busy and I like it but it seems that is being threatened now. I am not going to concern myself with it at this point but as a natural worrier (aka "woman"), I can't help but create all sorts of fantastical scenarios regarding the outcome. So clearly not being kept busy enough...
It seems my current life phrase is "disappointment". I have been having the patience of a saint. I have been so tolerant of other people and been doing so well at staying in the present, focusing my positivity out, not trying to have expectations but apparently I still do. I get to the end of the day and I feel so let down. I feel insignificant and walked over.
So I shrug and accept it and continue on because it is what it is,
right?
A few weeks/month? ago, I was contacted by more of his family members. I was expecting it but taken by surprise at the same time. So that makes all but one contacting me to tell me even though they aren't here, they know exactly what I have dealt with because they have dealt with his anger issues his whole life. That it certainly wasn't all my fault and it was more than wrong of him to treat me as he had. Is. Apparently narcissism is a trait that runs in the family that is the source of the abuse they were subjected to growing up and never wanted to expose their kids to.....
ironic.
Love isn't perfection and it isn't relying on someone else to make sure YOU are happy. It certainly isn't using control over people you supposedly love to make them bend to your shape. Expecting everyone to gather 'round and admire the saintly man god has gifted to us.
So my process of grief is winding down I feel. It was a hell of a ride. Looking back I can see exactly why I reacted to things the way I did. And I don't think I was in the wrong. Maybe two times. But I admitted my failings and own up to being the asshole on those.
I loved. I loved with all of my heart someone who didn't care nor deserve it and that is pretty deep stuff. If it doesn't impact you, you're not human. You're shallow and vain. Have no empathy and a skewed view of the world. Love is everything.
I'm moving past anger. I'm totally accepting of love gone. I am ok with that part dying. Its the shitty way the deed was thrust upon me and then I was told to take the blame for it all. Even then, as I look back, gaslighting me. Telling me I was the one at fault. I am the one who doesn't deserve love. Ever since the evening of him holding me hostage in the driveway with his car, I can never see him the same. He is a monster. Whatever iota of respect I had for him as a human being, left me and I have to pretend he isn't here. He talks down to my kids for no reason even after at least I remembered to include his children in Christmas.... and walks around like some self righteous deity. He makes me literally sick. It's not anger I feel anymore, it's disgust.
I have been spending a super amount of time by myself and while I don't mind it, it is starting to get to me. I was alone for my birthday. Thanksgiving. Christmas. Stands to reason I should bring in the new year alone as well too I suppose.
It hurts.
I'm worn out from feeling so alone. Friends can only fulfill so much and kids expect you to be there for them.
I would imagine it would feel amazing to have someone around you that appreciates you for who you are and what you bring to their life. That you adore and makes you smile inside.
Happy New Year to us all.
