Every day that I get further away from him mentally, I grow more. I am becoming aware of so many things around me, I didn't see before. Good and bad. With the good, it elevates me naturally. I forgot what it was like to feel on the up for longer than like a few days or hours with out the tension of is he or isn't he. I have had a lot of time in the past few weeks that I have kept to myself in order to get back in tune with who I am, what I want and how I have been changed. If I am not aware of these things within myself, I can not successfully go on and assume I will have a better future for myself.
I still have shades of bitterness. I still have anger. I am frustrated and I am sad but not in any way that encompasses my whole life as I was before. I can take these feelings and keep them within me so I can try not to release it out onto everyone around me. In so many situations, things are different because I am different. I am changing and recognizing that I am not who I was. I am making a plan to better myself in thought and process. I never had a plan or goals before with him as I realized that at the time, it didn't feel like my life was mine to live. Everything revolved around him. EVERYTHING.
There wasn't a day that went by that I did my best to cater to him and did what I assumed he wanted by how he told me what he wanted. I was thinking the other day, trying to recall anytime when things revolved around me. When I made a suggestion that was followed. When I was shown I was cared about and thought of. I'm really stuck. In the beginning he made me a bookshelf that was amazing but lets put into context that he had been out of work for a long time as well and that was what he did for a living. Every single occasion after that dissipated in level of caring on his part while his demand for attention and service went up. I just can't imagine making demands of someone I love that I wouldn't be willing to do myself. Every time I was asked for a suggestion on anything, it was shot down. I was told "Come on, why don't you pick." and I would and he would tell me any number of excuses for each of my suggestions to the point where I just didn't care. I gave up. It was pointless. Making suggestions of larger things like a small weekend getaway that WASN'T camping, I was never even heard on. Never acknowledged. I just assumed his reasons were valid. I mean really, why would I want to waste money on a weekend in New Orleans that I have never experienced and always wanted to, when it would be so much cheaper to just go camping every other weekend. Make a suggestion for a local outing? Get whining and complaining the whole time as if I was dragging an insolent child around. I guess because I was....
I'm not angry that I followed so blindly, these were things and activities I genuinely enjoyed doing. I like having new experiences and when I am not feeling suppressed, I do enjoy socializing and being around people. I don't like being told I am not enough then told I don't do enough in such situations. My confidence in myself was at an all time low and I genuinely thought it was because I was deficient as a person. If I stood up for myself, I created a rift where he would be angry. If I kept it to myself but was obviously hurt, he would become angry. I often would convince myself, before he could have a chance to tell me, that it was all my fault just to save from having to be lectured.
All of these things are accumulating into a base for me to stand on. A position where I can look at myself and determine for myself what I did do wrong and what I actually didn't do wrong.
The tally columns have drastically changed with my opinion.
I'm letting go of my intense hatred and replacing it with indifference. It's like I have to pretend, at least the last 5 years, nothing happened. Like it never was. I have to start over so I need to start over with myself too. If I continue to hold onto trying to blame and garner revenge, I will not be able to move on. I will be tied to him as if I were on a leash. What I have been doing in the meantime, is pretending he doesn't exist. Literally. Everything about him, all around me, is just some roommate I never see. Which works perfectly except for the fact I don't get as much use of my big tv. It's worth the sacrifice to not have to be in the same room with him. It has made me more aware of how I have double standards and how not to. To show even more patience and to stand back and assess how I can approach a situation as gently and kindly as possible. Some of this is a reflection of what I have been through and some is a reflection of what I have learned in the Buddhist community.
I am excited about my future but I am nervous as well too because I know all to well the things that go along with being a single mother that doesn't make enough money. I have some challenges ahead of me but if I try to plan ahead and become more prepared, they will be easier to navigate. I have more of a positive outlook than I do a negative one and that fuels me.
Starting school I initially though I was only going to do a small portion and go on from there but I have added to my plan. Instead of starting with an associates degree, I won't accept that as the minimum, I will be going for my bachelors AND I should be getting to work on a masters degree in less than 5 years. I have a good idea of exactly what I want to do at each stage job wise and I am open to expanding my possibilities to something that fits me perfectly.
Everyday I work, I have clients tell me I look great. That I seem happier. When I tell my closer ones what has occurred in my life, they always resort to pity. I just smile and say "No. It was a seriously painful experience and I was literally torn in half and felt extremely low but for as low as I was feeling from being rejected, I have catapulted beyond that in the opposite direction. I feel like even my physical vision of things is changed. As when I had my experience at Dhamma Sukah and felt the power of the universe in a tiny moment. I am forever changed and will be changing.
I am doing some focusing on companionship as well even though I really shouldn't be. I'm not exactly in a position to be exclusive with anyone but should the right one come along, I'm not saying no to dating. I have definitely re-written my expectations into a higher standard and struggle at times to remain commited to those standards but I have an ability now to tell myself I am worth what I want. If this person can't provide for me what I need in a partner, I am not going to waste time with persuing them. I've been trying to not take things personally and I am also incredibly confused by men. Never in my whole life have I had so many experiences with men saying things they don't mean. Or leading me on for no reason. Just up and gone from conversation when you thought things were going great. Telling me how fantastic I am and how much they want to spend time with me yet, I have been the most alone I have ever been.
I despise lip service.
I read an article this morning regarding women who view themselves as never *the one*. Which, is my position at this time. It said exactly how I was was why men are not interested into falling into more of a commitment. Finding men who are constantly unavailable means I am making myself unavailable. And I do. I do so under the idea that I think I am being strong and independent. Which I am, I have had to fight my whole life on my own without a family structure, no financing from mommy and daddy and no clear set of values and things to achieve to be personally successful. I'm like that rescue at the pound, the scrappy one that is scrappy because she doesn't know how to ask for love. In the article it was stated that I should be open to being more vulnerable. That it is natural for women to be flirty and sexual towards men. That I should not be hiding my feminine side because I am fearful it will be a turn off. That I should never be afraid or ashamed to ask for what I need emotionally or physically and it made me cry.
It made me upset to realize that I didn't know how to do any of these. That I do put up defenses. I don't allow people in all the way. I continually am feeling hurt by how I am treated because I allow it to continue. I feel embarrassed to let anyone know my feelings and wishes because for the recent past, I was told over and over again with invalidation and being told I was the one in the wrong. That MY thought process is flawed. That I should or shouldn't feel a certain way.
I'm not necessarily seeking out a partner for the rest of my life, I feel that sort of thing can't really be planned. I would however love to find one or two that I can hang out with. Talk to. Do things with. I am not in it for just getting attention, but because I am genuinely alone.
I still have health issues that need addressing but my mental state is becoming more and more clear. I have lost 31 of the 60 pounds I have put on over the past 6 years from depression and my goal for the last 19, I am positive will be achieved sooner than later. Trying to become comfortable with feeling I could be attractive and feeling sexually comfortable in intimate settings. Things are becoming so different for me, because of me. I am a late bloomer but I am embracing myself and finding my worth to be more than even I originally thought.
And him?
Literally,
I. Do. Not. Care.
He is only in my way and soon enough he will be permanently gone as everything in life is temporary.
Happy New Year to us all.
