Sometimes I have to keep reminding myself that standing still is still a form of progress so I don't get frustrated and impatient with how I want to control situations I don't have any control over.
I've had to do a lot of reminding to myself lately about such things.
Taking time to do things properly, to take pride in what I do. Aiming for more of that mindfulness of staying in the moment. Staying in the moment and being at peace with it. Racing thoughts tend to make ones mind drift to the craziest places so a lot of my mental time is spent redirecting to the now. Mental time is all I have and I have no idea how to shut it down, except with meditation, so its all been a sort of running background in my already chaotic, adventurous imagination.
I find work to be a challenge at times now, physical pain is a HUGE turn off for me but because I have been keeping so mindful and REALLY putting effort in, my dogs are coming out pretty awesome. This makes my customers super happy which makes me super happy. Because they are finding they can't get in with me as easily as before, my appointments are booked about a week out now which enables me to add another day in every other week. Physically my back is already protesting but I don't have a choice. I have got to build up more income.
Part of that mind-drift is thinking about all the things I need to be getting done in the future. Stressing about what if's and how's. I've been doing a fairly good job of pushing down what doesn't need addressing right now and taking care of what I can. I have been reminding myself on a constant basis, that the universe is going to do what it does and I should be open to that. Not to say I shouldn't do shit but I want to say "it will be provided" but I don't meant it like that. That sounds selfish and greedy when said like that. More, "it just is what it is".
Which totally contradicts my other line of mental support that is the law of attraction. I have been redefining what it means to me and how I "use" it. Incorporating more sensory input into my lists of goals I want to achieve. When I think about going on a trip, I am mentally going through visually things like the act of packing. Driving, checking into a hotel. I am smelling that smell of the airport or hearing that pull of the train. Keeping it realistic yet ideal. Inserting the emotions I want to feel at certain times. Happiness, joy, peace. Where I will move to. Making more money at work. The kind of car I need now. All being stewn over at times, but in a productive way.
This is in no way being utilized to find a mate. I had an epiphany a few weeks ago that I wasn't lonely. I was more bored. I wanted attention. I kept running into walls where I wasn't getting attention I wanted from those I wanted it from and I kept getting attention from those I didn't want attention from. Kind of a red flag in life saying, "what the hell do you think you're doing?"
So then I just felt cheap and dumb. I felt like I had been less of a person. It started me thinking on the past, as a learning example, what is it that men I have been attracted to, have, that is the common denominator? I feel like there has to be something to that. Some quality or personality trait that I am drawn to. Then I realized, it's never ME picking the partner it feels. It feels more like I am doing the auditioning. Like I am the one who has to sell myself and create 'value for the buyer'.
And again, I just felt cheap and dumb. Not to say that I don't think I have any value to sell but that I felt like I had to advertise it. It's not like any man in my past has been worthy of groveling over. When that's what you offer, that's what you get. You don't get a man who wants to pay attention to you, you get a man who wants you to pay attention to them. I may be a little sensitive to this being what I have been through but it really took me long enough to figure out the obvious.
So I dabbled in trying to find a friend. I didn't find anything that made me think they were interested and after coming to the realization, I don't want to deal with anyone right now, I just dropped it. I felt ridiculous for attempting to even date anyone. For making it known to people I was interested in, that I was interested, to have them only be emotionally unavailable anyway. I was trying to put my energy into fulfilling boredom time I had that I, ironically, spent alone and bored regardless. So I'm not even touching that right now. I will work through my lonely spells and hormonal perversions as they pass but if I can't figure out that I deserve someone who treats me like they actually like me, then I have no business trying to put any effort into those people. Captain Obvious strikes again....
I am happy. I am in a good place mentally and I am working on changing bad habits I have acquired through the years. Like when I hear HE is entering the house, I immediately go into anxiety mode. That is something that I just can't seem to control. I can talk myself out of it but the reflex is there. When I see he is gone for an extended period of time, my whole everything relaxes and I feel like I can breathe, even when I am not at the house. When he is around, I completely ignore him. Otherwise I feel a combination of anger and anxiousness that give me tunnel vision. Every now and then something will pop up that makes me remember some detail or piece puzzle pieces together. Like it doesn't make any sense to tell me you don't like me because I don't like the same things as you do and in the same breath say you don't like me because I don't completely submerse myself into anything and you won't join me for anything I do want to do. Ultimately I am disgusted. I feel shame and embarrassment when I look at who he really is as a person to me now. I feel like I really let myself down. They say you only accept the love you think you deserve and I am beginning to think I need to really believe I deserve better.
I thought dealing with local memories was going to be more difficult but it's proven to not be a bother. When I recall places or things from the past or around me that involved him, I can totally recall without recoil the memory. My brain blocks him out. Like whatever or wherever it was, he wasn't there. There is this faceless, nameless man there, but it's not HIM. A nice little emotional protection I guess from being surrounded by the living past. I am so very excited for the day to come when I will never have to feel that anxiety come over me just from his presence, again. It is a very strong motivator. That and seeing him stomp around like a child needing attention or whining like a drama queen let me know I have had terrible, terrible, terrible taste in men.
