"This is love bombing and it is why things are moving so fast.
You've never met anyone before who is so much like you! It must be fate?
Here are the common line sociopaths use in the first few weeks or month of meeting you:
"No one has ever made me this happy before".
"I can see myself spending the rest of my life with you".
"We are so much alike, you are my soul mate".
"It didn't work out with anyone else because I haven't found the right person".
"You are the kind of person I have been searching for my whole life".
"You're more wonderful, more giving, more (insert blank) than all my exes/family/friends".
"You are my future. I would be honored to call you my future wife/husband".
"I've never before felt such a connection with someone, we compliment each other perfectly."
They will try to move into your life and talk about living together within a matter of weeks. Some talk marriage almost immediately to lock in the deal."
Too good to be a good kind of love.
Friday, March 25, 2016
Saturday, March 12, 2016
Not lonely, just bored
For quite some time the concept of loneliness has been floating around my head space. Kind of one of those thoughts that just encompasses everything without being totally recognized? Getting to know the term, what it means to me, how it is affecting me, what the reality is...
(I never said I wasn't an over thinker)
In the beginning of this journey I had gone from the whole focus of my life being 5 other people. I felt surrounded constantly and I ALWAYS had someone to turn to for any kind of conversation or company I needed. Just that flow of energy that comes from a house of people or a family. There is a vibration to feed off of and to focus on. My time alone came in groupings of hours.
So then it went overnight into nothing. I mean absolute nothing. To the point of purposely going out to the middle of nowhere with no one around to sit and focus on nothing for a week. Talking total immersion. I guess my mind figured if I was going to be subjected to such a shock to the system, may as well be the controller of it all.
I spent some time thinking I needed to seek out a partner or a friend. Someone to replace the someone's I had so recently been inundated with. I justified it with saying I need a friend with benefits or some such bull shit. I kept coming across these boys (for lack of a better term) that I was attracted to but they didn't find me so convenient. Which led me to start wondering, what was the common factor to these people that I was drawn to? There had to be a reason I was pursuing the impossible. I think ultimately it was a matter of keeping myself alone and at the same time, I could totally say it wasn't my fault. That I deserved blah blah blah and needed such and such and wanted this and that.
So, I stopped complaining and owned my shit.
If I feel I deserve something, it's absolutely not anyone else's duty to provide that to me. ( I know this is remedial stuff but when your in the middle of a selfish life breakdown, focus gets transferred to the weirdest places...) I needed to focus not on what I DIDN'T deserve but what I DO. And Not settle like the door mat I tend to be. If I NEED something in my life, it will find it's way in and I need to trust that. Not just on my accord but the universe's as well cause I'm spiritual n shit like that.
If I want something, it's a process to figure out the worth to me and how to go about planning to achieve the goal. To figure out if the journey is worth it isn't the question, it's the how.
In realizing the distractions I was creating for myself, aka needless relationships, I can more easily recognize the behavior to stop it and bring myself back to reality.
So I thought I was lonely, and I just wanted attention.
I'm not going to say it's ok. I'm not going to beat myself up for it. It was just one of those epiphany things where the obvious dawned on me at once and I was/am humbled. I think going from one extreme to another was such a jolt of reality for me. I do crave attention. I do want it. I don't try to present myself in a way to NOT attract attention of a positive nature. I never really realized how much I do. How much I relied on it. Being submersed into a world where you have practically none makes you realize how these dynamics worked. My job now is to focus on asking myself if the attention I am garnering is worth it and if not, having the ability to walk away.
So I pretty much started detaching myself from most sources and in the beginning it was rough. Looking back it kind of feels like detox. The cravings, the worry, the anxiety, the fear..... crazy.
I feel like I am coming out the other end of another tunnel into picturesque scenery of sunshine, green grass and bunnies in the flowers kind of crap.
I'm learning to not rely on the distractions I was creating for myself as a replacement.
Just this morning in the wee hours of insomnia, I was reading this article, the six kinds of loneliness and it was everything and more compiled neatly into this package already figured out and given a 'solution' for.
" Not wandering in the world of desire is about relating directly with how things are. Loneliness is not a problem. Loneliness is nothing to be solved. The same is true for any other experience we might have."
Holy Hell did this hit me hard.
Every time I read it, it feels like I am reading it for the first time.
Duh. Right? How could I be so dense? So selfish? Why didn't I apply the basic knowledge I had already been trying to use in other areas in my life to this emotion as well?
This isn't a punishment. It's not something that is broken in my life. This is not an issue to be solved. I just don't need that companionship in my life right now while I focus on more important things. And I need to be ok with that because it is the truth.
It kind of takes a weight off of me so to speak. I don't feel obligated to fulfill something that feels like an empty space when all I had to do was shift some priorities to fill that space.
I have to learn to diminish the need to feed my ego. Just because you feel like something that no one wants, doesn't mean you are that.
I've been thinking about my baggage and how much I'm carrying around. Like a ridiculous amount. I had been running from it and trying to ignore things and it catches up every time so I guess it's just time to deal with this one. I'm evolving every day more and more into the woman I used to be before I have been reduced down to a self-doubting-anxiety-ridden shell. Evolving and improving on it. Improving by recognizing and letting go.
Just exactly as Bhante said it is in meditation. You recognize your thought. You allow it to be there but then you ignore it. You just give it no attention.
I feel my anger and I give way to at least a smile. I feel my frustration and I make patience. I feel fear and I determine my goal.
Also,
I CANNOT wait to be out of this house.
(I never said I wasn't an over thinker)
In the beginning of this journey I had gone from the whole focus of my life being 5 other people. I felt surrounded constantly and I ALWAYS had someone to turn to for any kind of conversation or company I needed. Just that flow of energy that comes from a house of people or a family. There is a vibration to feed off of and to focus on. My time alone came in groupings of hours.
So then it went overnight into nothing. I mean absolute nothing. To the point of purposely going out to the middle of nowhere with no one around to sit and focus on nothing for a week. Talking total immersion. I guess my mind figured if I was going to be subjected to such a shock to the system, may as well be the controller of it all.
I spent some time thinking I needed to seek out a partner or a friend. Someone to replace the someone's I had so recently been inundated with. I justified it with saying I need a friend with benefits or some such bull shit. I kept coming across these boys (for lack of a better term) that I was attracted to but they didn't find me so convenient. Which led me to start wondering, what was the common factor to these people that I was drawn to? There had to be a reason I was pursuing the impossible. I think ultimately it was a matter of keeping myself alone and at the same time, I could totally say it wasn't my fault. That I deserved blah blah blah and needed such and such and wanted this and that.
So, I stopped complaining and owned my shit.
If I feel I deserve something, it's absolutely not anyone else's duty to provide that to me. ( I know this is remedial stuff but when your in the middle of a selfish life breakdown, focus gets transferred to the weirdest places...) I needed to focus not on what I DIDN'T deserve but what I DO. And Not settle like the door mat I tend to be. If I NEED something in my life, it will find it's way in and I need to trust that. Not just on my accord but the universe's as well cause I'm spiritual n shit like that.
If I want something, it's a process to figure out the worth to me and how to go about planning to achieve the goal. To figure out if the journey is worth it isn't the question, it's the how.
In realizing the distractions I was creating for myself, aka needless relationships, I can more easily recognize the behavior to stop it and bring myself back to reality.
So I thought I was lonely, and I just wanted attention.
I'm not going to say it's ok. I'm not going to beat myself up for it. It was just one of those epiphany things where the obvious dawned on me at once and I was/am humbled. I think going from one extreme to another was such a jolt of reality for me. I do crave attention. I do want it. I don't try to present myself in a way to NOT attract attention of a positive nature. I never really realized how much I do. How much I relied on it. Being submersed into a world where you have practically none makes you realize how these dynamics worked. My job now is to focus on asking myself if the attention I am garnering is worth it and if not, having the ability to walk away.
So I pretty much started detaching myself from most sources and in the beginning it was rough. Looking back it kind of feels like detox. The cravings, the worry, the anxiety, the fear..... crazy.
I feel like I am coming out the other end of another tunnel into picturesque scenery of sunshine, green grass and bunnies in the flowers kind of crap.
I'm learning to not rely on the distractions I was creating for myself as a replacement.
Just this morning in the wee hours of insomnia, I was reading this article, the six kinds of loneliness and it was everything and more compiled neatly into this package already figured out and given a 'solution' for.
" Not wandering in the world of desire is about relating directly with how things are. Loneliness is not a problem. Loneliness is nothing to be solved. The same is true for any other experience we might have."
Holy Hell did this hit me hard.
Every time I read it, it feels like I am reading it for the first time.
Duh. Right? How could I be so dense? So selfish? Why didn't I apply the basic knowledge I had already been trying to use in other areas in my life to this emotion as well?
This isn't a punishment. It's not something that is broken in my life. This is not an issue to be solved. I just don't need that companionship in my life right now while I focus on more important things. And I need to be ok with that because it is the truth.
It kind of takes a weight off of me so to speak. I don't feel obligated to fulfill something that feels like an empty space when all I had to do was shift some priorities to fill that space.
I have to learn to diminish the need to feed my ego. Just because you feel like something that no one wants, doesn't mean you are that.
I've been thinking about my baggage and how much I'm carrying around. Like a ridiculous amount. I had been running from it and trying to ignore things and it catches up every time so I guess it's just time to deal with this one. I'm evolving every day more and more into the woman I used to be before I have been reduced down to a self-doubting-anxiety-ridden shell. Evolving and improving on it. Improving by recognizing and letting go.
Just exactly as Bhante said it is in meditation. You recognize your thought. You allow it to be there but then you ignore it. You just give it no attention.
I feel my anger and I give way to at least a smile. I feel my frustration and I make patience. I feel fear and I determine my goal.
Also,
I CANNOT wait to be out of this house.
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