I feel lighter. Not
just in the weight I have lost. I feel as if the past 7 years never
happened. I feel as if I have moved from
my old apartment to a new one. That’s how I feel.
My brain tells me other things to contradict that feeling
but now that I am no longer having to be in any kind of shared vicinity with
the ‘Good Christian’, it has been so much easier to push the negative thoughts
away. Challenged only by the fact I have
no positive thoughts on he as an entity.
I have flashbacks of him telling me I’m a horrible person. Telling me I am “awful at relationships” because
I didn’t apologize the right way.
Telling me I am “unworthy of love”.
The moment those words were uttered, I had no reason what so ever to
stay. It was the systematic breakdown of
someone trying to make me into someone I am not and punishing me because I wasn’t
that imagined person.
I literally feel sick to my stomach when I recall these
things.
About a week ago I was driving to work and I was just in a
great mood. (As of late, it’s pretty damn
rare to catch me not feeling pleasant…) My brain went about thinking about how
I was getting back to who I was before I met him. Happy.
Independent. Confident. Secure. Things are back on my terms now instead
of being a slave to someone else’s schedule and demands. No more dripping with anxiety about what mood
he would be in or what I would do wrong next. It dawned on me that I was so
grateful that I can get back to that woman, except now, I am much happier than
I was even then.
And I cried.
I don’t cry. If I
cry, it’s because I am extremely angry and frustrated. But welling up with happiness and crying was
a new thing for me. Confusing…
I wanted to take that girl that dumb, naive, girl, and hold
her tight. Hold her right on my heart as
tight as I could so she could be safe and loved. Tight, until she felt human again. Like someone who had worth to another.
Herself.
It’s been a journey.
It has been one of the most challenging times in my life, and not just
the last year. Ever since I read that
letter telling me how shitty he thought I was, (three pages worth!) I developed
a wall of anger. The wall has changed
over time with what it is built with, but that wall, will always be there. It grew ever higher with the more he
continued to try to exert control and issue ultimatums. I would find myself recalling his insults to
me and I became very aware that every single god damn thing he accused me of
being, I was not and he was. He is. Dripping with insecurity and a desperate need
to have accolades. The self-righteous of
the self-righteous. The complete
opposite of me.
I reflect back on my time at Dhamma Sukkah and I know now I really did come back different. My whole outlook is different. I look back at who I was and I don’t
recognize her. I will never be thankful
for this ‘lesson’ I have learned. This
is not a congratulatory situation where I thank someone for treating me like
shit so I could become awakened. I’m here and I am successful because of
me. I took the steps to recognize. To push back.
To break a chain. Some would
rather slide right on into a new relationship…. Or two… three? Much like a snake. I chose to own my shit and call a bully a
bully. I’m not the first to call him
that. Not by a longshot.
So I am now at a point where I am working two jobs, school
full time, getting settled into my new home and taking care of my kids. (They
are going to be a whole other post. Abuse affects everyone.) My work is really picking up and I’m setting
up goals I want to work towards. There is so much that is going ‘right’ in my
life right now, seamlessly, that it’s almost scary. I practice letting go of ego bit by bit and
it’s all ok.
On the flipside of things, and I only bring it up because it
has weighed heavily on my mind lately, there are things I want in my life as I
crave them but I try to justify it with ‘human nature’. I have been floating along the situation of
my feelings about this because there is nothing I can do about it but maybe it’s
one of those I-only-want-it-cause-I-don’t-have-it kind of deal. But then one morning, it happened...
I’m gonna get personal for a minute.
Probably about 8 or 9 years ago, I was experiencing a weird
phenomenon where after practicing some self-love, I would be overwhelmed by
this sadness. It would make me weepy and
desolate. I had no control. It was some weird hormone thing I
supposed. At the time I wasn’t dating
anyone (few of those times in my life) and I was feeling alone. So after some research I found why. Oxytocin
is released in orgasm. (For us breast
feeders, those are the ‘feel good’ hormones that come with let-down.) It is a chemical that is responsible for the
communication component of love, not the romantic but not to say they don’t
share mutuality. So for most women this
is an emotional aspect of life. It’s
what bonds us to our children, bonds us
to our lovers, to our partners. It’s
called the “love hormone” for a reason.
So when we experience something that is strong with this endorphin, you instinctively want to share it. You want
to reach out to that other soul and send out that vibration.
So what happens if there is no one there? What if you are left there, alone, with these
love hormones racing through you and you know deep down this is something that
is meant to be bonding but your brain says… “hey, wait a minute…. Something’s
wrong here….” All because as we are
having this human experience that is
ingrained in us, anciently, to be a part of something. A community, a family, a partnership
etc. Social creatures by way of needing companionship
for survival. We need touch and compassion.
Vulnerability and peace. We want
to share happiness with others and if others aren’t happy, we want to make them
happy.
When you’re masturbating, it’s just you. There is no soft touch. No deep kisses. No inhalation of that sneaky pheromone that
says “be mine”. It wasn’t a team effort
by any means. No one is desiring
you. You aren’t appealing to anyone. You
provided no pleasure to anyone. It can
turn into a real ugly scene real quick.
It can make one cry after reaching climax; on her own.
Finding myself thinking about the land of make believe
law of attraction, I have been conflicted as I’m pretty more than certain my
life theme is ‘lone’. I had a dream I
was trying to seduce someone because, let’s just say I am hugely sexually
attracted to them, and the person was like ‘eh, no thanks.’ So after blabbing the jist of my dream on
Facebook, I was greeted with a remark “guess he’s just not that into you.” I know for certain this was not a personal
attack or meant to be taken as ridicule but the only thing I could reply with
was “story of my life” and it hurt. It hurt that I felt that way and that it
was the truth. So since I have been
getting these frequent signs that say, “don’t bother”, I won’t. The lack of having control over the situation
is aggravating to say the least. History
has shown me that I have been the aggressive one in showing interest or bedding
down with someone and I’ll be damned if every time it just turns out to be
another asshole. But I have felt the
need to do so because men don’t approach me.
Men don’t flirt with me. I don’t
get asked out. I don’t get taken on
dates. Sometimes I get a deer in the
head lights look from them when I attempt to be friendly and other times, it’s
completely dismissed.
I make a really cool hang out friend I have been told.
Yesterday I had a flash of what I represented to others and
it really took me down. Like a dart
gun. I didn’t even need to verbalize
what I saw, I just felt it. I just ‘knew’. And then I was just humbled and embarrassed. A bit ashamed and selfishly petty.
The fact is, I have been through the ringer. I have had my life turned upside down and
inside out and have come out the other end thinking I can conquer the world,
because I am. Yet I AM scarred. I do
feel damaged. While I am getting rid of
baggage left and right, I still have this carry on that just might not fit in
the overhead bin. The last thing I want
to do is to impose my insecurities on someone who doesn’t deserve it.
I know for a fact that right now, I do not want a
relationship. I am not seeking one, I am
not wanting to be attached to someone, I don’t want to feel guilty for not
being able to give as much of my time and attention as I would normally. I don’t want the distraction from my need to
make money or compulsion to have a minimum 3.5 GPA.
This, unfortunately, has not taken away the desire to be
with someone. To admire and be
admired. Someone to chat with every now
and then or go out and do something with.
Sex. I need want sex and
while they say it’s much easier for a girl to get laid than a man, uh…. As an
educated, self respecting woman, I can’t do that. Gross. It’s way more about a connection with
physical pleasure than just the physical at this point. It is absolutely
a sort of validation I want. The past
couple partners I had, with an eye to a FWB situation, left a sour feeling
in me. Being rejected so many times in a
row is a little defeating.
Well, a lot defeating. But when I look at me, from an
outside perspective, I’m toxic. I may as
well hang a sign around my neck that says CRAZY! STAY AWAY!! Everyone knows you don’t just get involved with
someone after such a thing as a horrible break up and if you do, you’re just
asking for a nightmare.
I absolutely want to walk into the bakery, buy a slice of
the decadent cake and eat it. I don’t
want the whole cake and I don’t want to take it home to stay with me. I want to savor it as I have it and know it
is solidly ok to have cake just for the delight of cake. What other reason is there for cake? I’m
fully capable of handling a slice of cake with out becoming emotionally
attached or have expectations out of the cake.
Cake isn’t magic. It isn’t going
to fix things. Its just a pleasure. It makes one feel good and it hurts no one.
Except the bakery I visit, they don’t have cake. No cake at all. There are cookies and Danish. Dinner rolls
and coffee. But when I approach the cake
case, there is none.
