Truth and toilets

I think it's absolutely cowardly to run away from your responsibilities.  Maybe you need some time or help to get through taking care of what you are personally responsible for, but here I am, 11 months later, still picking up after someone who left me and delusionally thinks I owe him any goddamn thing.  It dawned on me he had been doing that the whole time I have known him.  Would rather get up, walk away and ignore whatever it is he didn't want to deal with.  Which was a lot.  He used over half his tax refund catching up on car payments that he was behind on.  Not because the money wasn't there, but because he didn't make the payments.  So many other things through the years that were ignored and a back turned on.  It's really unbelievable how little one person will take responsibility for himself after boasting on being such a stand up man.  Ironic.

I'm getting settled in my new home and the kids are genuinely happier.  No more feeling that oppressive, choking feeling of intimidation in the room.  Makes my stomach turn to think of it now.  I'm getting a routine going in my constant movement through the days.  I made the realization I had lost 50 pounds, effortlessly, in less than a year when it had piled on over the course of 6 years due to depression and insecurity.  When I take the dog out for his walk in the morning, I smile 'just because' and I'm very much enjoying my productivity and ability to remain more in the moment.  Losing stresses and having anxieties buried.  I'm enjoying every minute regardless of the insecurities I still feel that live inside me.

In dream analysis, to dream of a clogged or overflowing toilet is a sign of emotional repression.

 Toilet
To see a toilet in your dream symbolizes a release of emotions. You need to get rid of something in your life that is useless. 

To see a clogged toilet in your dream suggests that you are holding and keeping your feelings to yourself. Your emotions have been pent up too long and you need to let go of the negative feelings.

To see an overflowing or flooded toilet in your dream denotes your desires to fully express your emotions

Dreaming about a flood with mud and/or garbage spilling out of the toilet indicates that your feelings are repeatedly being belittled, undermined or unacknowledged. You feel disrespected."

Over the years, I have continually had dreams of disgusting toilets.  Overflowing, no stalls, just gross and at times, overcrowded, bathrooms.   I always hated them, they were always so vivid and left me feeling confused.
So you can imagine my excitement when I had my first dream about a month ago, where there was a clean bathroom!  Since then, there have been a couple with maybe some clogged toilets but still having stalls and still being able to find a clean one.  It felt amazing, oddly enough...

Also lately though, most every night, I am having dreams of trying to escape.  Either with a group of people or by myself.  In weird locations like on a ship or in a big city.  Countryside or houses.  I'm either being hunted or trying to get away from someone dangerous.  I am finding my way out of forests, rivers, warehouses, cities.  I even had one the other night where I received a pep talk from Carl Sagan...
I have no explanation.

I am so put off by the idea of dating.  Not that I have the option to.  That would require someone being interested in me.  Those that were, I'm just not interested in, point blank.  So I'm back to where I was before when single, feeling like I have the plague.  I was musing awhile ago that that could be the reason I ended up acting on so many losers.  Just wanting attention, any attention, was what I was seeking.  When you find someone willing to give it to you, you settle out of some weird sense of desperation.  Well, at least I did.  My desire for attention, while still strong, has been prioritized for things like loving myself and having standards.  Not to mention my own insecurities on my own physical attributes keeping me from reaching out. 

I'm scared of being interested in someone and finding out too late they are controlling and I am giving way more of myself than I should.  I look around at all the single males I know and there is one thing about 90% of them have in common.  They do not want to be alone.  It's like they can't.  As I live in my head and I try to figure things out about myself, I always visit the question of "why do I feel like I want someone?" and I have a huge feeling most men don't ask this of themselves.  They go from woman to woman, sliding along and feeling like it's a life or death situation to get the next one.  Even lined up beforehand.
Sounds familiar...

The few I do know that aren't on a mission to find what boils down to a convenient supply of sex, are living life.  Its not a priority.  They (hopefully) are finding fulfillment not in other people, but in themselves and what they are doing.  These want to surround themselves with others like minded.  Where a relationship isn't something you seek, it's something that just evolves.  No pressure and no judgement, because it's not a priority.  So I feel like I was on the other side of the fence, feeling incomplete without a partner or feeling I had to take what I could get and I've tunneled my way under the fence, poking my head up gopher style, and checking out my new digs.
;)
I don't want to be sucked in to someone who is just wanting someone for their own comfort, adoration and convenience again.  I certainly don't want to do that to someone else either.  The other thing I am relieved of by not being concerned with dating is having to put up with men who put on a front of being interested but it's only a physical thing they are after.  Why the hell can't people just be adult about sex?  Why put yourself back in a high school mentality when life isn't even a competition anymore?

I feel like an 80 year old reminiscing.  I watch these other people, single, coupled and I see the dynamics between them.  What works, what doesn't, what eachother tolerates and what each sacrifices. Not necessarily to compare my own past or present but just studying people.  It's only natural the topic of relationships should be on my mind and now that I am getting to a better understanding of myself, I'm really seeking my tribe.  I'm not gloming on to people I think will like me, I'm being more selective about who I spend my valuable free time with.  I want to have more enriching experiences and I want to become more unbiased.

I think a lot of my thinking lately is skewed because I live in my head so much.  Working alone, one day off a week, full time school, a very rare adult to talk to.  The subject of loneliness creeps on and I have to remind myself, it's not in my control at this time, so I have to be ok with that because that is the truth.