I have no idea where I am going with this. I've got a few balls in the air right now and I'm either in a process of avoiding making a list of things I HAVE to tend to by this Tuesday, convincing myself it's ok to just SIT once in a while or thinking about what I need to put on aforementioned list. I'm smack dab in the middle of a decision that will or will not have an impact. (yes, an impact.) The decision itself has been made, I'm literally trying to plan the aftermath and that is about the silliest thing I have tried to do...
lately.
I have these certain fears that paralyze me in life with regard to what I have been taught of 'survival'. Not having a place to live being a priority, having a reliable car, being able to keep utilities on and food on the table. It's the fear of running out of any of these necessities that keeps me in this bubble of anxiety, permanently, because I have no one to rely on. It is a full time job for someone like me, earning a backbreaking income, to keep a head above water, much less the addition of two teenagers. I don't get to 'plan' anything. There is no savings for travel or vacation (whatever that is). Retirement fund? Yes. My plan is to work until I have no choice but rely on social security because I don't have any other options at this point.
So we throw school in to try to upgrade us at least enough to bump us into the next tax bracket.
I have to rid myself of some income I have coming in because what it is doing to me physically alone is not worth the peanuts I make, in the long scheme of things. So before it eats me into permanent negativity I have to let it go because I can't afford to obsess about what is going to become of someone who has a husband that is/has been a provider for her.
That has multiple residences.
That has family.
Not when the cost is me feeling completely disrespected, un trusted and used. I've had enough of that.
I've come to terms that it's going to be alright. If it comes to a point where some action or decision needs to be made, I will do so and try to believe I will make the best decision at the time.
Fucking control freaks.....
We are assholes.
It's been over a year since I have been in any kind of relationship whatsoever and just about as long to celebrate celibacy.
I turned 40 with no acknowledgement and have felt invisible and rejected ever since. Well, some days. It's not an ego booster to not have any attention. Mantras don't help. It's confusing. Confusing, freeing, ironic and ever evolving how I feel. Is it that I think I need someone or is it just hormones?
Again.
It's the shitty smile. It's the lack of time. It's the blatant history. It's the look I have of "wounded-man-hater" I suppose.
I'm picking and choosing more and while before perhaps standards would be more relaxed as time went on, I feel like mine are becoming more stringent. Not just with regard to dating, I just mentioned that is not a thing, obviously, but with regard to any personal relationships.
I still have a lot of negativity towards the 'good christian'. A lot of the feeling has become nothing. Just non existent. I don't pay attention to things I don't want to and I try not to feed the anger flames but at times some word will be heard or some flash on tv and I am taken back to a memory of unfavorability. The other day it was when I gave him a letter I had written when we were only like a year and a half, two years in where I told him there were times I felt afraid of him and it made me uncomfortable. So I have this whole situation in my brain and at the same time my brain is going "SEE!! You were a fucking IDIOT dollface!! You saw it then! He acted like he was offended anyone would think that about him and HOW MANY years AND people have come across with saying the SAME THING OF HIM!!!"
*sigh*
So then I'm back to my present and I feel embarrassed and hurt and sad. So it's another cycle of delving into all the things I have to take care of, need to do. Life would be so much easier with a live in assistant to take care of all my needs like paying bills and cooking and cleaning.
I think I need a girlfriend.
Forget sex, I have no libido anymore.
No need for it I suppose.
I think I need to feel better about myself somehow and I need to have confidence I have this thing called life, not figured out, but doable. I need to have hope for something. Right now its all work. It's work and school and home and about 90% of it, on my own. It's all in kind of a limbo right now and I just feel overwhelmed. Overwhelmed and underappreciated.
You'd think as a woman, I'd be used to this shit by now.
