I take inventory quite frequently on my progress with healing. Measuring how far I have come in such a short time to get back to where I was prior to drowning. About a week ago, I had a memory pop up out of the blue of "The Good Christian" berating me. I remember being in a foul mood about something, I was upset about my daughter for something. It was always the situation where if I was upset or mad, he would become even more upset and angry as if I weren't allowed to have those emotions or he assumed that I was mad at him and he didn't appreciate that. I can't remember the details but the scene that popped into my head was him standing across the room from me and glaring at me while bitching about something and saying "are you in a shitty mood cause your daughter won't talk to you or is it because you are pissed off your mom is dead?"
It was around Mother's Day.
Things like this can crop up out of nowhere. When it happens, I get anxiety, I feel fearful, this wave of feeling like I have to walk on eggshells comes over me and I have to talk myself down and remember/remind myself that I am the one in control now. Not him. It was ok for me to be upset about something, it was NOT ok for him to say that. It just makes me ill I tolerated that...
I wanted to be a beacon of warning. I wanted no one else to be hurt by this invisible monster that just creeps up in your life and takes you down. I didn't want anyone else to have to bow to his standards which is a game of changing rules, double standards, moodiness and denial. But I can't. it's not my place to tell others that stupid is as stupid does. This doesn't mean I can't lead a path to awareness of mental abuse. If I were told in the beginning that this was who he was, there is no way in hell I would have believed it. It's only now, linking up the pieces and recalling the red flags that were there from the beginning, that I am able to know for myself what to be aware of in the future. It's all I can do.
The things you hate about others are the things you hate about yourself. So, in this philosophy I have been turning the mirror to myself and taking a big look at the reality of what I hate about others and what I am failing to admit to myself. This has been a little confusing at times because things like, I hate that I was told I was unworthy of love. Well, I never have thought or felt that way about anyone so that isn't applicable. But then I say, I hate the way someone else tries to control everything, and I have to reckon with my own dictatorship.
And I do.
And things change. Within me and around me.
Letting go of ego is a lot more difficult for those of us who had none and regained confidence.
Patience is being able to accept a different outcome than the one you were expecting. I am perfecting the art of patience by releasing expectations. It takes practice, but you do it because, it's not about you.
I have direction in my life, a plan, friends I can count on and who can count on me. My kids are thriving and happy, not having to live under the pressure of living with an authority figure who hates them. We went camping a couple weeks ago and it was probably one of the best, most relaxing and fun times we have had camping. At the end of it, i knew I was in the right place at the right time because when I folded up the tent, it all fit in the fucking bag, zipper closed.
That means you're doing it right.
Over a year out for being single. No dating, no offers, no interest. I'm 60 pounds lighter, still fairly attractive (I hope anyway) and working on that degree to go with the brainyness. But I look around at the general population of men around me and it just turns my stomach. For one thing, trying to find a single, attractive, smart, nice man my age, who doesn't live at home and/or have a drinking problem is impossible. So, the ones that are single, do not fit the rest of my own personal standards. And yes, I am allowed to have standards. I prefer people who accept responsibility for themselves.
I watch other couples and more and more all I see is how needy and clingy men are. They cannot be alone. They are like children, needing someone to take care of them. They have this woman standing next to them that does this because she knows how much this partner of hers takes but everyone pretends its she who is the lucky one.... You know, cause he is a great provider (I have NEVER had that, don't know what that is like), he is a great dad (on the weekends) and he ..... whatever.
I can't currently fathom anyone in my life. I feel like I would have to make sacrifices and compromise all in the name of providing for someone else. It's such a turn off. I question if I am lesbian but sexually, no. Not an option. I hate that I feel so protective over myself that I can't make an effort to find another to spend quality time with. So I stopped thinking of it as an option. Sex department wise, it's cool, I have no libido anymore. It's a little tough to feel desirable when there isn't anyone to make you feel you might be. My last trysts so long ago, left such a bad impression on me, it's just not worth the effort.
I have a co worker that is newer to me and every now and then we get to chat and I find out more things about her. She is my age, she has two teen boys, she is tall and super pretty, has this gorgeous smile and is awesomely friendly. Divorced and remarried, she just has her shit together.
The other day I found out that they had just completed the building of their home and I felt completely deflated. I cried later. So very happy for them, I mean how exciting is that? Its been a big dream of mine for two decades to build a geodesic home, I think that's awesome. I was deflated because I realized that was not going to be me. Ever.
I have always wanted to have a big Halloween party, never happened.
I always wanted a birthday party for myself, never happened.
I would have even been happy with some kind of birthday acknowledgement! Take a trip, have a vacation, have inheritance, have family, have fucking medical insurance....
(on the heels of finding out I need to come up with like $7,000 for medical treatment....)
I can't help but compare. Things I have looked forward to my whole life have been slipping away left and right while people are standing in front of me getting it handed to them. It's jealousy. It's anger and it's fear. So I can be mad, I can feel upset.
As long as I can let it go at the end of the day and have patience with myself. The patience that is accepting a different outcome than the one I was expecting.
