I hit a stride and then I kinda fell off.
I hit a stride in the dance of work/school/social that was fluid and productive without killing me and I got a little loose.
As in I had to have a minor surgery the week before spring break. It left me a muddle of a brain and I couldn't focus for anything so naturally I was going to catch up on everything and mostly likely get a head start on the next weeks whatevers because that is what over achievers do.
Clearly I just have delusions I am an over achiever...when I am not over achieving.
Back on track. Back in the saddle. There is work that can't be made up but I was sitting on nothing less than a B anyway so I was/am ok with the loss. Its not the end of the world.
Advisor : You're taking all these classes?
Me: yeah
Advisor : And you're passing?
Me : yeah?
Advisor : You work full time?
Me : yes
Advisor : kids?
Me : Yup. Two teens.
Advisor : And you're passing?
Me: Well I'm single, so I don't have a whole lot of other things going on.
I had a meeting with an advisor last week for my degree plan and if I just keep plugging along, pretty soon I'll be at University still plugging along.
This is how life works for people who grow up with out money or family and devote their lives to others in service. In a way, it's a form of me devoting service to myself finally and a reminder that we don't always get the things in life in the way that we want them. A feeling of gratefulness that I can and am progressing.
Phases come and go and one that repeatedly sticks it's nose in my business is the lonely factor. I get into my groove and I don't have time to stew about how I don't have anyone to share time with. No time to think about how it feels just to have a physical/mental connection. I don't think about the fact I get no attention from anyone. "See? Look Melissa. You don't even have room in your life to entertain someone."
I do something that in the past would have gotten me a scolding because its not the way HE wanted it and I think again, "See Melissa? You have everything how you like it. You do what you want, you have your schedule, you don't have to live in that cringe where you never know if you are in the wrong or not. Why try to find someone who is just gonna screw that up?"
And I hate that it has taken me this long to acknowledge that not everyone will be as demanding of me. I specifically had taken to avoiding dating for the simple fact that I feared after the gushy stage I would be catapulted into another pool of being wrong and not enough with verbal affirmation.
(My Facebook 'memories' are a rich source of flashbacks for being treated like shit.)
I'm not dating. I'm not specifically out there looking for someone. I refuse to do the online nonsense and I'm just flat out being told by the universe that even if I am attracted to someone, they won't be attracted back.
I'm slowly and courageously turning off anything in my head that says "Hey, you're making my ovaries do jumping jacks buddy, let's do something about that!"because even when I tried DESPERATELY to have some sort of bedroom gymnastics with someone for the pure fun of it?..... like it just won't happen.
It's not a viable option.
Not for me, of course.
Apparently I am just trying to sleep with people who are not attracted to me. Well two people. I attempted it twice in the past year. It's not like I'm waving things around. I'm picky and I like who I like, ok?)
Naturally this is a thing that is ego crushing.
So I'm over it. I'm over trying to find a partner bedroom wise and I'm wearing this super heavy parka of insecurity and doubt to keep me weighted down from floating to the surface to check out what else is about.
I'm aware that there is interest around me. I'm not dead. Just not in the mood or attracted or there are red flags or timing is just bad. I don't care if it's looked at as a self fulfilling prophecy, it's what I want now. ME. I've learned to re listen to my instincts and it's paying off like a jackpot. Being an empath doesn't help either, there are people that are just drawn to you because they either feed off of your loving caring or they want to suppress you. As in my experience, both. So I run and I don't entertain these people that cling to trying to find something that they think will bring them happiness or comfort. I'm not alive for that. I am not here to be your blankie in life. Other people are not alive for you to dictate how they love you while you hide behind a delusion of being the greatest ever.
I had a visitor about a week ago come into my work and surprise me. I called him Papa Gary for a bit in my life and it felt really nice to talk to him and see that he seemed to be doing well. It made me smile. He said I genuinely looked happy and he wanted me to tell my kids a message of love and potential for themselves. He almost looked humbled that I was doing so well. Like he didn't expect all of the successes I had listed for ourselves. He wanted me to pass on to my kids a message "Tell them there are still men in this world who don't abandon their families." to which I replied "There are still men in this world who are capable of loving more than themselves and don't have control issues too."
It absolutely got me thinking. Sometimes little things will happen and it can put me into a spin of anxiety or anger because of PTSD out of coming out of an abusive relationship but this was a calm understanding. There was this bubble of trying to figure out certain things of why the Good Christian was the way that he was. This bubble was floating all around me for years, just out of vision, just out of reach and when Papa Gary left, that bubble popped. I saw it clear as day. About being angry at your father's choices in life and how he has done. About resentment and control and selfishness. About trying to make the choices in your life you think your father should have done and making judgements about him for not making the decisions you think he should. It's bitching about how they don't do for you when you haven't don't shit for them. It's an asshole who walks away from his parents because he doesn't want to deal with their mental health that doesn't even really affect him anymore.
I am able to look at it now clearly and see it in black and white. It just makes me shake my head...
Kids. Work. School. Home. Me.
It's a good time to be alone and single.
It's a bad time to try to feel like a sexual creature.
Which I think is a shame cause I look DAMN fine at this point..... taking care of myself with loving myself and all.....