"No need to wait around for scraps that resemble affection from him."
I read this article this morning about emotionally unavailable people and there was this line that made me stop dead. One of those 'smack you in the face' epiphanies that is most certainly a "duh" moment but you but you had never FELT it before.
I know this is what I have been doing. I have been guilty of this for a long time and as expected, it hasn't gotten me far in emotional intimacy at all. So eager to just have a moment of recognition, willing to accept anything casually dropped to me as I sit at their feet patiently.
Like a good little submissive.
Going through the cycles of being desired and admired to being cut off completely almost instantaneously but being left a pat on the head as a reflection of what a good girl I am. The pat on the head that says "thank you for giving me what I needed." and for some reason this has spoken to me to mean "you will be rewarded with what you crave from me.... at some point."
I am a patient woman.
Clearly, to a fault of my own.
As I sit and smile and think about how I don't want to be an imposition. About how strong the feeling of rejection is and I would rather taste the moments of psuedo affection and caring over the cold door of dismissal. Because I've worked to come so far to recover from a lack of self confidence that it would be nice to find someone that also, thinks I'm an asset to their lives. To have that deep connection of touch that transcends physical that I miss and crave so much. Some are so clever to be able to provide that but its confusing to not have anything more that comes with it. It's eating without being able to taste. Drinking without satisfying the thirst.
I developed a crush and found trying to be satisfied with the little hits wasn't enough and like a mature woman, I realized at the end of the evenings, it was me hanging on a line the whole time. I wasn't known. I wasn't even paying attention to the fact that I don't answer questions about my own life because they weren't being asked. A giggle and a warm body were what I were. I wanted to be that though. I still do.
I want more for me.
I want more for me and I don't ask for it because I think somewhere deep down I am wanting this fairy tale of mutual attraction. Mutual attraction and I want us to be able to speak on it as an unspoken understanding.
You won't find that with the emotionally unavailable. No matter how much you think there is a strong mutual attraction. Because I'm wrong for thinking it was ever remotely mutual in the first place.
So I've set aside the feelings that tell me I should go after what I want. I've done enough to read the signs returned they shall not be pursued. I respect that and chalk it up to more likely, I just have let my cravings take over. It's not real. It's not special if the scraps you are being given, are also handed out so freely to others.
I deserve more. I want more.
I shouldn't have to go daily wondering when I already know the answer. False hope.
It's difficult letting go of a crush, because it was always a fantasy to begin with.
Eating scraps, however, is degrading.
