Last night I found myself acting out of aggression and frustration and it has been so long since I have exhibited this sort of behavior, I'm still upset.
So of course this came after a few drinks, mixing liquors and not feeling the assault of the loss of inhibitions. The thing is, I know what set me off and I tried to make my case against a thing I was being accused of. In all honesty, I don't think I was in the wrong. I still don't.
I endured a long term relationship with a boy who always had to have his way. When he didn't get that way, he bitched. He would take extra effort to make sure that the decision I had made, that he did not, was an epic failure. Even if I already felt bad about making the 'bad decision'. Then he would turn around and get angry because I refused to make any more decisions about something that was so clearly his field.
So in the scenario last evening, it was a point made that I wanted something the other person did not. I wanted to share a weekend, a fun experience and while I was told it wasn't his thing, I persisted to try to sell the idea. Cause I wasn't getting my way. I got called out for it but I didn't feel it was necessarily handled the right way either in the scolding or in how I handled it. And then I remember that when this event happened, I was basically lied to. A vague promise to try to attend and then a flat out lie of "I didn't know" which turned into me being accused of basically bullying him into this thing when I clearly did not. I accepted the decision, hurt and disappointed, I had every right to feel that way but I didn't deserve to be told I forced the issue.
So there I am, still sitting with this ache of how words got twisted and accusations were made that weren't warranted, I'm being told I won't let it go and..... there are margaritas on the table. After two whiskey cocktails and a Bloody Mary prior. I felt hostile and arrogant and I was upset over what I felt was a lack of sensitivity to my sensitive nature. I became, an asshole.
I keep replaying the stupid things I was thinking and saying and wondering where it all was coming from. Why I was lashing out at this person in retaliation who was himself retaliating. I got so hell bent on trying to stand my ground that I didn't realize the ground was really just water I was treading. Poorly at that. And I want to take it all back.
There may have been a time in my past where I would have just felt more self righteous with my decision to be an asshole, like I finally deserve to get to be that way justly some how, but now it leaves this taste of regret and bitter shallowness in my body. I always wanted to be that better woman who stood up for herself, who didn't let others walk all over her or have another man try to dictate what my emotions should or should not be and it's been a lifetime of trying to figure out how to be that woman. With no role models its been a sketchy path. I find myself watching myself as I grow and try to find that balance and at some times I feel I am leaps and bounds from 3 years ago but at other times just not much has changed since I was 18.
It's been over two years and while I dabbled in dating here and there, I found someone that I admire and look up to. Someone who is incredibly attractive, smart, funny, a smart ass like me and like he always says "clearly we like spending time with each other". I flew into this with no expectations because we had tried dating prior and he said something that I took offense to one night as I was leaving, after taking him out to dinner for his birthday which I chalked up to too much booze, but when we went out again after that, I felt his interest in me had seriously declined. So when he contacted me again, I was pretty set for yet another guy friend to hang out with for the afternoon. But it didn't go that way. It went a way I wasn't expecting at all.
Up until yesterday I didn't question anything about 'us'. It's all very natural and I have to assume he won't be sticking around so I've just been enjoying it for what it is. And its been great. But what I didn't count on are the feelings that come with it all. The inadequacy I began to feel. And I don't know what to do about it.
I have been working so hard on loving myself that I put up these walls of protection. So I find myself standing behind these walls and screaming for attention, love, signs of desire. Trying to be vulnerable for me is akin to feeling like walking directly into a bear trap. I think up until this point I've handled it very well. I've been able to be open and share myself coming from a place of love and integrity but all it took was one tiff to make me doubt who I was.
I don't want to wonder if I am up to someone else's expectations anymore. I did that for too many years for an asshole who just didn't want to be alone.
THIS is what emotional abuse does to someone.
He may not hit you but the scars are forever.
