Bleeding Out

It’s been a rather tumultuous year for the last relationship.  One full of tears, anger, accusations and fear.  I’m still reeling over the end, sort of in a disbelief tailspin wondering how someone really can’t see their own behavior.  I was so damn patient and forgiving and it didn’t dawn on me until the end that I was in a very one sided relationship.  He was not reciprocating at all.  He would start fights with me and then blame me.  Say things like he didn’t like when I drank liquor and then ten minutes later would be serving up shots to drink.  Everything was on his terms.  I learned, yet again, to walk on eggshells around someone else because any little thing could set him off especially when he was crabby.  I was blamed for his lack of working out.  I was told I was preventing him from seeing his friends (which was completely untrue and I encouraged the associations with out me several times).  I was told I was the reason he drank too much and spent too much money.  Yet every time we would have our time apart, his behavior didn’t change. He practically bragged about it.  It was insulting.

So why do I feel like I’ve lost everything?  Why does it feel like physical pain inside of me that this is finally over? I still have crying spells over memories that I adored.  I still keep waiting to see messages from him to brighten my day and I still miss the smell of him on my skin.

I’ve come to realize he didn’t love me. He is an ultimate narcissist. He loves himself.  He loved that I would drop everything for him.  He loved that I would do favors for him.  He loved that I paid half the tab.  He loved having company when it was convenient for him.  Loved having someone he could bitch to everyday about his hell day. Loved having my support and encouragement.  Loved that I bought him gifts and cooked meals.  He loved nothing about me.  Didn’t think I was particularly attractive.  Thought I was stupid and beneath him. So why continue to keep me coming back and saying he loved me?  Why did I believe his words and not fully pay attention to his actions?

I kept waiting for things to get better.  For us to work through an issue and come out stronger and the whole time he just kept getting worse.  Lying about me.  Lying to me.  Hiding things from me.  It’s really so very embarrassing that I gave so much of myself to him and surrendered my own ego.  He made me feel completely invalid and worthless.  I felt like I had to keep proving myself and it was never good enough.  No compliments were given.  No thank you’s extended.  No reciprocation of anything other than sharing the bill.

So I keep reminding myself over and over of the insults that were hurled at me when he was drunk.  I remind myself of his behavior. I keep repeating ‘he’s a piece of shit’ and I still can’t figure out why letting go of someone like this is so difficult.
I wasted a year and a half giving and doing and being for someone who didn’t feel half as much for me and my ego has taken a beating.  I want to be noticed.  I want to be appreciated.  I want to feel attractive and those times from him were rare and few between.  I made so many excuses for him.  His lack of a good home life growing up, his parents and lack thereof.  Perhaps he’s one of those that just doesn’t communicate well or how I do.  Maybe he just needed more space.  If only he’d stop drinking so much....If only I could keep my mouth shut about what bothers me when I drink too much.....

It’s the end of the year.  It’s a stressful time for me.  Thinking of my moms suicide and how the kids have grown.  I look back and I have nothing to show for the time I have spent with him except that I broke my own heart wishing I could be someone to him.  Everyone’s so busy and going through their own things.  I work alone and come home to be alone.  I don’t want to leave the house and for a minute I was self medicating with alcohol.  I feel very much alone and pretty empty.  I’d love to have something to look forward to but my motivation to create plans for myself is so depleted.  I figure I will take this time for myself to heal.  To think about what I’ve done, what I have allowed to happen and try to make sense of my feelings as best I can.


I wish I didn’t have to be so negative.  I wish I could remember the good things about him.  I wish I could spout on and on about the great times we did have, because for the most part, when we were good, we were great.  Then something in him would snap and he’d be picking fights and accusing me of ruining his life.  Leaving me confused and hurt.  Always attempting sooner than later to apologize and admitting a small part of fault.  Keeping me hanging on....

This too shall pass.  I just needed to get this out.  I’m still bleeding out and I hope it stops soon...

Your ego crushed your own happiness

I should have left and not came back after taking you out to dinner for your birthday.  Coming home with you only to have you 'politely' insult me after sex and I was leaving.
After you invited me to the zoo that Sunday and when I texted you a "good morning, Happy Birthday" message, you said "thanks" and ignored me.
When I asked why you didn't go to the zoo like you wanted, you said it was because I didn't get a hold of you.

I should have left and walked away when I asked you to go camping and you said you would make an effort which you had NO intentions of doing.  When I said I couldn't wait to take you and how much fun we'd have, you threatened our budding relationship.  Said I was being "too pushy".

I should have left and never came back when you sat at the bar doing shots with your friends, completely ignoring me and not including me only to go home and have you break up with me because I "wasn't showing you enough physical attention" while we were there.  Telling me how awful I am.  How you felt you deserved better. Telling me to "get the fuck out".

I should have left and never came back after going to see a friends band and you getting so drunk you argued with every little thing I said.  I tried to ignore it and look past your pettiness but back home you once again reveled your war cry of "get the fuck out of here."

I should have left and never came back when on my birthday, you took me out to dinner and we got so drunk, you started picking fights with me because you can never be wrong and if I ever disagree with you, you consider that I am all against you.  Where once again I was told to "get the fuck out".

Again, a week later, getting so wasted you yelled at me for being emotional because I was embarrassed my wig had come off in the music venue.  Once again, evicting me from your life.

We had a few months where you didn't get too wasted but once when playing the wii, you asked what music I wanted playing.  I made a suggestion, you didn't like it, so you played what you wanted and I said "ok".  Half an hour later accusing me of not liking what you were playing and being pissed about it when I wasn't even caring.

I had to learn to not drink as much because of your egotistical temper had me afraid.  I watched you doing shots ever thinking "is this the night he blows up at me for no reason?"  I had to bite my tongue and just agree with whatever you were upset about because any challenge I presented, no matter how small, was greeted with anger and toxicity.  If I got caught up in the moment of having fun with you, I was more likely to pay a price of you threatening our relationship.

I stuck around when you got drunk and began arguing with me my own personal spiritual beliefs.  When I was trying to explain to you what I was trying to say, you refused to listen to me.  Once again uttering "well I guess this is over...."

I should have been more upset on the night you went out to a party, messaging me at 11:20 saying you miss me and would see me soon.  When I hadn't heard from you by 2 am, I texted hoping everything was ok.  When you didn't respond I called and all you said was "do you want me to come home? Or what?"  I assured you, I was just concerned and you kept talking over me saying you would just come home.  When you did at 4:30 am you came into bed and started talking shit to me.  I can't unhear how you said "why can't you just love me?  You're just like every other woman,  I'm tired of dealing with your shit, just like Carlie... You guys are fucking awful."
I knew you weren't in your right mind and I kept calm waiting to talk to you about this the next day.  You denied so much of what happened because you couldn't remember.  I had to throw your 'to-go' cup out of the passenger seat of my car.

You asked me to move in with you and a month later erupted at me after dinner.  I was talking about dream jobs I'd love to have like "snl writer or forensic scientist" and you got extremely angry.  Yelling at me about "I can't believe you don't know what you want to do!! I can't be with you!!"
So I once again, collected my things and "got the fuck out".

You broke up with me pleading we fight too much and refuse to acknowledge that the only times we ever did was when you were drinking too much.  disagreeing over the smallest, stupidest shit.  Because we HAD nothing to fight about.  I had my moments of getting too wasted and saying fuck you too many times but I won't be backed into a corner for you insulting me for no reason.  I stopped doing that because I knew it upset you.  Yet you still continued to accuse me of it when I didn't.  You accused me of jealousy for hanging with your brother which was complete bullshit.  I offered several times for you to just hang out with him alone because I didn't want to sit there the third wheel the whole time like you had a habit of doing.  I made my own entertainment and prayed you wouldn't get mad at me for not showering you with attention all over again.

You could never take responsibility for your own actions.  Even blaming me for you drinking too much.  Blaming me for you spending too much money when I NEVER expected you to foot my bill, and I paid my way through the whole relationship.
In all of this shipwreck you did nothing but accuse me of not making you happy when just the week before you were as excited as I was about our "home together" we were gonna have.  You came out of left field to me claiming your unhappiness had been going on for weeks but you never once displayed a single sign of being unhappy.

I practiced so much patience with you,  I tolerated behavior from you that you would have NEVER tolerated.  I kept looking to the positive in you.  I kept thinking you would realize what you were doing and if you cared about me enough, you would stop treating me like shit.  Stop demanding so much attention while giving me none.  Check your ego and maybe have empathy for me.
But you can never be wrong.  I heard this from others as well who reached out to me to ask what you did.  First things they said were "well he can be very arrogant."  "there's a reason he can't have a healthy relationship".
I practiced unconditional love with you because I looked past your flaws you showed me in how you treated me when you were drinking.  I knew that wasn't the real you as I had regrets about my own drunken mishandlings of you.

I was told "I love you" after you ended it and it was followed by continuous messages of how you said I made you miserable and how unhappy you were.  You said "I love you" and then followed it up with messages telling me how I felt.  Projecting your insecurities onto me.  Telling me how I felt.
Opening up communication was extremely difficult because if I said how I felt when you were hurting me, you blamed me.

I just should have left and never came back.
It would have hurt a whole lot less.
I wouldn't have to search so hard to find my value in myself.