I should have left and not came back after taking you out to dinner for your birthday. Coming home with you only to have you 'politely' insult me after sex and I was leaving.
After you invited me to the zoo that Sunday and when I texted you a "good morning, Happy Birthday" message, you said "thanks" and ignored me.
When I asked why you didn't go to the zoo like you wanted, you said it was because I didn't get a hold of you.
I should have left and walked away when I asked you to go camping and you said you would make an effort which you had NO intentions of doing. When I said I couldn't wait to take you and how much fun we'd have, you threatened our budding relationship. Said I was being "too pushy".
I should have left and never came back when you sat at the bar doing shots with your friends, completely ignoring me and not including me only to go home and have you break up with me because I "wasn't showing you enough physical attention" while we were there. Telling me how awful I am. How you felt you deserved better. Telling me to "get the fuck out".
I should have left and never came back after going to see a friends band and you getting so drunk you argued with every little thing I said. I tried to ignore it and look past your pettiness but back home you once again reveled your war cry of "get the fuck out of here."
I should have left and never came back when on my birthday, you took me out to dinner and we got so drunk, you started picking fights with me because you can never be wrong and if I ever disagree with you, you consider that I am all against you. Where once again I was told to "get the fuck out".
Again, a week later, getting so wasted you yelled at me for being emotional because I was embarrassed my wig had come off in the music venue. Once again, evicting me from your life.
We had a few months where you didn't get too wasted but once when playing the wii, you asked what music I wanted playing. I made a suggestion, you didn't like it, so you played what you wanted and I said "ok". Half an hour later accusing me of not liking what you were playing and being pissed about it when I wasn't even caring.
I had to learn to not drink as much because of your egotistical temper had me afraid. I watched you doing shots ever thinking "is this the night he blows up at me for no reason?" I had to bite my tongue and just agree with whatever you were upset about because any challenge I presented, no matter how small, was greeted with anger and toxicity. If I got caught up in the moment of having fun with you, I was more likely to pay a price of you threatening our relationship.
I stuck around when you got drunk and began arguing with me my own personal spiritual beliefs. When I was trying to explain to you what I was trying to say, you refused to listen to me. Once again uttering "well I guess this is over...."
I should have been more upset on the night you went out to a party, messaging me at 11:20 saying you miss me and would see me soon. When I hadn't heard from you by 2 am, I texted hoping everything was ok. When you didn't respond I called and all you said was "do you want me to come home? Or what?" I assured you, I was just concerned and you kept talking over me saying you would just come home. When you did at 4:30 am you came into bed and started talking shit to me. I can't unhear how you said "why can't you just love me? You're just like every other woman, I'm tired of dealing with your shit, just like Carlie... You guys are fucking awful."
I knew you weren't in your right mind and I kept calm waiting to talk to you about this the next day. You denied so much of what happened because you couldn't remember. I had to throw your 'to-go' cup out of the passenger seat of my car.
You asked me to move in with you and a month later erupted at me after dinner. I was talking about dream jobs I'd love to have like "snl writer or forensic scientist" and you got extremely angry. Yelling at me about "I can't believe you don't know what you want to do!! I can't be with you!!"
So I once again, collected my things and "got the fuck out".
You broke up with me pleading we fight too much and refuse to acknowledge that the only times we ever did was when you were drinking too much. disagreeing over the smallest, stupidest shit. Because we HAD nothing to fight about. I had my moments of getting too wasted and saying fuck you too many times but I won't be backed into a corner for you insulting me for no reason. I stopped doing that because I knew it upset you. Yet you still continued to accuse me of it when I didn't. You accused me of jealousy for hanging with your brother which was complete bullshit. I offered several times for you to just hang out with him alone because I didn't want to sit there the third wheel the whole time like you had a habit of doing. I made my own entertainment and prayed you wouldn't get mad at me for not showering you with attention all over again.
You could never take responsibility for your own actions. Even blaming me for you drinking too much. Blaming me for you spending too much money when I NEVER expected you to foot my bill, and I paid my way through the whole relationship.
In all of this shipwreck you did nothing but accuse me of not making you happy when just the week before you were as excited as I was about our "home together" we were gonna have. You came out of left field to me claiming your unhappiness had been going on for weeks but you never once displayed a single sign of being unhappy.
I practiced so much patience with you, I tolerated behavior from you that you would have NEVER tolerated. I kept looking to the positive in you. I kept thinking you would realize what you were doing and if you cared about me enough, you would stop treating me like shit. Stop demanding so much attention while giving me none. Check your ego and maybe have empathy for me.
But you can never be wrong. I heard this from others as well who reached out to me to ask what you did. First things they said were "well he can be very arrogant." "there's a reason he can't have a healthy relationship".
I practiced unconditional love with you because I looked past your flaws you showed me in how you treated me when you were drinking. I knew that wasn't the real you as I had regrets about my own drunken mishandlings of you.
I was told "I love you" after you ended it and it was followed by continuous messages of how you said I made you miserable and how unhappy you were. You said "I love you" and then followed it up with messages telling me how I felt. Projecting your insecurities onto me. Telling me how I felt.
Opening up communication was extremely difficult because if I said how I felt when you were hurting me, you blamed me.
I just should have left and never came back.
It would have hurt a whole lot less.
I wouldn't have to search so hard to find my value in myself.
