It’s been a rather tumultuous year for the last relationship. One full of tears, anger, accusations and fear. I’m still reeling over the end, sort of in a disbelief tailspin wondering how someone really can’t see their own behavior. I was so damn patient and forgiving and it didn’t dawn on me until the end that I was in a very one sided relationship. He was not reciprocating at all. He would start fights with me and then blame me. Say things like he didn’t like when I drank liquor and then ten minutes later would be serving up shots to drink. Everything was on his terms. I learned, yet again, to walk on eggshells around someone else because any little thing could set him off especially when he was crabby. I was blamed for his lack of working out. I was told I was preventing him from seeing his friends (which was completely untrue and I encouraged the associations with out me several times). I was told I was the reason he drank too much and spent too much money. Yet every time we would have our time apart, his behavior didn’t change. He practically bragged about it. It was insulting.
So why do I feel like I’ve lost everything? Why does it feel like physical pain inside of me that this is finally over? I still have crying spells over memories that I adored. I still keep waiting to see messages from him to brighten my day and I still miss the smell of him on my skin.
I’ve come to realize he didn’t love me. He is an ultimate narcissist. He loves himself. He loved that I would drop everything for him. He loved that I would do favors for him. He loved that I paid half the tab. He loved having company when it was convenient for him. Loved having someone he could bitch to everyday about his hell day. Loved having my support and encouragement. Loved that I bought him gifts and cooked meals. He loved nothing about me. Didn’t think I was particularly attractive. Thought I was stupid and beneath him. So why continue to keep me coming back and saying he loved me? Why did I believe his words and not fully pay attention to his actions?
I kept waiting for things to get better. For us to work through an issue and come out stronger and the whole time he just kept getting worse. Lying about me. Lying to me. Hiding things from me. It’s really so very embarrassing that I gave so much of myself to him and surrendered my own ego. He made me feel completely invalid and worthless. I felt like I had to keep proving myself and it was never good enough. No compliments were given. No thank you’s extended. No reciprocation of anything other than sharing the bill.
So I keep reminding myself over and over of the insults that were hurled at me when he was drunk. I remind myself of his behavior. I keep repeating ‘he’s a piece of shit’ and I still can’t figure out why letting go of someone like this is so difficult.
I wasted a year and a half giving and doing and being for someone who didn’t feel half as much for me and my ego has taken a beating. I want to be noticed. I want to be appreciated. I want to feel attractive and those times from him were rare and few between. I made so many excuses for him. His lack of a good home life growing up, his parents and lack thereof. Perhaps he’s one of those that just doesn’t communicate well or how I do. Maybe he just needed more space. If only he’d stop drinking so much....If only I could keep my mouth shut about what bothers me when I drink too much.....
It’s the end of the year. It’s a stressful time for me. Thinking of my moms suicide and how the kids have grown. I look back and I have nothing to show for the time I have spent with him except that I broke my own heart wishing I could be someone to him. Everyone’s so busy and going through their own things. I work alone and come home to be alone. I don’t want to leave the house and for a minute I was self medicating with alcohol. I feel very much alone and pretty empty. I’d love to have something to look forward to but my motivation to create plans for myself is so depleted. I figure I will take this time for myself to heal. To think about what I’ve done, what I have allowed to happen and try to make sense of my feelings as best I can.
I wish I didn’t have to be so negative. I wish I could remember the good things about him. I wish I could spout on and on about the great times we did have, because for the most part, when we were good, we were great. Then something in him would snap and he’d be picking fights and accusing me of ruining his life. Leaving me confused and hurt. Always attempting sooner than later to apologize and admitting a small part of fault. Keeping me hanging on....
This too shall pass. I just needed to get this out. I’m still bleeding out and I hope it stops soon...
