I’ve recently been part of a conversation on forgiveness and it has my mind kind of rolling around. What it means to me, how I am affected by it. Mostly I think because I am still seeking some sort of epiphany that will free me up from this ugliness that came into my life.
I can start my day with a positive frame of mind for the most part now. There have been a few mornings I have woken up and had the fog of disappointment or rage or sadness overwhelm me and it is tough to get out from under that oppressive feeling. Most days I can get through without feeling the weight of emotion barreling down on me with a force that makes me feel I have to do something about it immediately. I can’t help these random thoughts that pop into my head through the day. I am reminded of something, and it makes my stomach sick and my throat close up while I work on telling myself I can cry in private later.
I spent so long caring for someone, hoping they were having a good day, wanting to share something with them, making plans for the future that it had just become a part of me to always have that in the back of my mind. Now I feel so much more hardened as I have to force myself to take a step back when I am feeling upset to remind myself he wasn’t worth shit.
He gave nothing.
He offered empty promises and lied.
Lied to my face.
I sit there and see the evolution of how much worse he became while I stayed there only becoming concerned with how I could make things better while he was constantly sabotaging everything with not a single care for me.
This runs the gamut of feeling a deep sorrow and loss for the times that WERE happy, only to become infuriated to realize it was all fake anyway because he never did love. Never did care. Only cared that he had his attention when he wanted, on his terms.
And that hurts. I can’t wrap my head around how someone can do that. How someone can be so mean can walk away acting like they are they victim when I only stood up for myself against being bullied. When I never should have been bullied in the first place.
I have been mentally keeping focus on me. I have been thinking about what I want for myself. I try to imagine the partner I want in my life and how a loving, giving relationship should be. I have been keeping my future in mind as I need new goals to work for. Something to look forward to and its all slow going for this impatient heart to heal.
I came across a picture deep in my files that I failed to delete and it instantly made my stomach cramp up, my throat close and tunnel vision fighting tears and anger. Such a stupid trigger.
Seeing his name makes me cringe and even a song played on the radio can make me feel nauseated. So many different emotions still well up within me, not that they aren’t resolved feelings, they are just raw and hurt. Open wounds. So I remember my value. I remind myself I am NOT disposable nor is it acceptable to be used by any means for someone else’s selfish notions. My pain is just as valuable to me as my love is and I will not deny this of myself.
I forgive a lot. More than I should. To a fault. Then lines are crossed that never should have been crossed and I reach a point where forgiveness is not an option. I am well aware forgiving does not mean you still have them in your life. Many people will tell you, forgiveness isn’t for them, its for you. I don’t see that. I have given those opportunities. I was told my forgiveness meant nothing because I continued to allow myself to be treated like shit. So I have to forgive myself.
I cannot accept that someone was terrible to me, it wasn’t my fault they behaved that way. I may forgive certain things but the things I do not forgive, will stay that way. I will keep that in my heart and not let go because it is a part of me. I don’t carry it around like pain or bitterness after time passes, but I have to acknowledge it happened. It happened and it wasn’t kind or loving or coming from someone who is capable of love. I only wish I hadn’t extended myself so much for that pain. I regret so much. This time around I didn’t give up who I was, I just gave too much of myself.
I am eager to get on with things on an emotional front. I wish it were as easy to just say “fuck it” and walk away but I can’t. I feel like I need to resolve things for myself. I need to find out why I did this, how it happened so it doesn’t repeat again.
I fantasize about meeting someone and it is charged with an energy I once felt. An attraction so strong it makes you feel like your walking on air. Someone you look forward to seeing and sharing time with who is just as excited about me. And I fear this is a distraction. I need to get back out there, because that is what I do want, I want to have love in my life and I want to share things with someone special. I want to laugh and talk and communicate, be there for someone who needs it while I know they will be there for me as well. I have been craving physical connection so bad, I absolutely teared up watching a love scene the other day. I have been keeping myself away from people because I feel clingy. I want to go out and find a physical distraction if only to remind myself that I am a woman with sexual desires and needs. Then the negative thought pops in, what if that one as well, acts like he does not care if you are sexually satisfied? That you feel attractive or wanted? and I am scared to even pursue anything even superficial.
I have men chasing me that I have no interest in dating and it pisses me off that they can’t just be platonic. Some even throw little temper tantrums and get bent out of shape and I just do NOT have room for that petty shitty behavior in my life right now.
I am dabbling in dating however finally, if only to have a bit of entertainment. It’s pretty much the same as its always been. Just because I am more aware of what I don’t want certainly didn’t clear those attributes from men out of my life. I am becoming comfortable again with who I am, how attractive I feel and knowing I have value and worth. My ego has taken a huge hit and its been confusing to say the least trying to differentiate between who I am and the toxic person he brought out of me. Second guessing myself is slowing down and while I realize it was so very wrong of me to not listen to my instinct two years ago, I am practicing doing so again with faith in myself. Learning to accept compliments I never received and craved from him.
You know, I do hope he finds love. I hope maybe someday he is capable of realizing what that is and how to show it. I hope he falls head over heels for someone deeply and cares about them terribly. I also hope she treats him exactly as he treated me. I hope he can learn one day what it means to have feelings because its important. Love is important. Unconditional love given is a rare gift and should be honored and if anything, at least respected.
So as I walk this twilight time and take in everything around me, reflect on what has happened and where I am to go next, I am beginning to feel more hopeful and I really like that feeling. I forgot how much I missed that. Spending so long being worried about someone else had taken hope from me.
In the meantime before I find myself in the next relationship in my life, I absolutely cannot fucking wait to get the taste of him out of my mouth and the smell of him out of my skin.
