He drunk texted last weekend to say he missed me and to wonder what happened to “us”.
When I received this message, I sat on my bed shaking for 20 minutes for the literal reason of my adrenaline was rushing like crazy. Uncontrollable shaking.
I responded to remind him he was drunk. To remind him he only misses the attention he got from me and to remind him he didn’t even treat me as nice as he treated friends which was really fucking shitty of him. I told him every time I think of him, I remind myself that he’s a piece of shit and I deserve better.
I have always deserved better.
Ever since then I have had that knot in my throat that is either holding back that painful sob or the beginning of an emotional cry-fest. I keep fighting it and work distraction and I feel its coming to a point. And I know I should allow it, I have to feel my feelings to get through them but I don’t want to revisit yet again how hurtful and painful this has been after I’ve been doing so well.
I’m so angry still and I’m only just now starting to find that confidence I lost and began to feel I might be a little attractive and then he has to pop up and remind me what a fucking idiot I was and re-iterate that feeling of epic loneliness I get to have.
And I haven’t got anyone to talk to about what I’m feeling and it sucks.
