I’ve been having a rough year emotionally. I’ve been hoping a lot of things would just resolve themselves and I would have found myself in a position of having been through rather than still trying to navigate but one thing in particular has weighed heavy on me for months now and I cant shake it or make it better. Losing a friend, while still interacting with them, has been emotional.
I reached out to another friend who is more involved in this persons life and I was rewarded with them telling A what I said and never having a meeting with me to discuss why I was upset or to clear up my concerns. So I lost that trust and friendship as well.
I am going to start at the point of eruption, from quite a few months ago. A close friends father passed and I ordered flowers. I told A to notify the rest of our close circle that this happened and flowers were ordered. There began a back and forth of messages of her stating so and so wanted to pay. So I gathered she individually texted everyone instead of a group informational. I was working and busy but I looked up my app info and shared it with her. To which she kept telling me so and so had other app or wanted to ask me something and I asked if she could relay that I would get to this when I was not busy. She kept sending messages but not answering my questions at all. To which I replied “we need to work on your communication” and she lost. Her. Shit.
Found time to all caps and with swearing tell me to never disrespect her again or talk down to her. That she was very busy with her work AND her bosses job that day to even deal with me.
That was her total contribution to that situation.
The funeral arrangements were shared with me, happen to be on a Monday, which is my day off. I was offering to go in on my day off to do her a favor and my regular schedule was too busy to squeeze them in anywhere.
She shares the information with me and in the very same paragraph says “That’s when you are doing my jobs, L will be dropping off around 9.”
I STILL get super angry about this.
I was shocked and appalled at this treatment.
I let her know I was upset she couldn’t even think that I might want to make arrangements to go to support a friend but she made it clear my role and she replied “ok”.
A third party dropped off the pets and said “I don’t know why they didn’t do this, they aren’t leaving till later this afternoon...”
Later that week, a mutual friend we barely know, his father passed and she sent me a link to the arrangements and said “I’m thinking about going, you?”
I messaged her friend/coworker and said I know it is a difficult time but I have deep concerns about A’s mental health, I was sick and tired of being disrespected and when he could find time to chat, I would love to. My concerns stem from her mothers decline with dementia and her own struggle with mental health. He never got back to me but I did find out, at A’s latest blow up at me, that he told her what I said.
Her blow up? Accusing me of making her look bad or weak. She also lied to manipulate me because she wasn’t getting a response she wanted when she wanted it.
I see and hear her spinning wheels where if there is a narrative of a story that makes her look bad, she wont share it. She only talks of how she is the victim. She says things of me that most decisions I make are based on how much attention I think I am going to get. She said I snapped at her in negative judgement over a menu item when I only corrected what she assumed she was getting, because I ordered the same thing. If I suggest it, its bullshit but if someone else echos me, its what she thought all along. Very accusing me of putting her in a negative light, even of things that had nothing to do with her.
Which is when I began to notice the coddling that occurs around her. Like she does not drive herself places. She does not make decisions and will do what she can to NOT be held accountable for things.
I have asked for a year now for her time privately to have a friend/personal discussion, we used to all the time, and I kept getting blown off. Unless it was something she wanted, I was totally ignored for any requests of friendship or time. There was an opportunity in the summer but due to circumstances of a mild mushroom influence, and how I watched her flip flopping mentally on topics we were discussing, I opted to not make that the time to have a heart to heart with her about what was going on.
I noticed that my invitations were being flat out ignored and invitations to me were not being extended. So, I have had to mentally move the goal posts of what this friendship means to me. When I sent a message of me having a difficult time, I received a response of basically “good luck with that” which is exactly what the narcissist I dated, responded with.
It’s been a bit of a grieving process and I’m reminded more and more of my loneliness in life. My depression has been pretty strong and steady now for awhile and I don’t think my system can handle it much longer.
My fight to stay positive has been tested with overwhelming work, a month long hospital stay for infections and a 13mm kidney stone, minimal support system in my life and a constant reminder that I am alone and lonely for whatever reason; I’m not enchanted by more of this as a future.
All around me people are celebrating success and love and family and futures and happiness. People that I used to reach out and ask to do things with, tell me stories of how they go out and do things with other people. I go home and try not to fall asleep before 8:30 surrounded by solitary monotony.
When you go into the hospital there are various points where a nurse will ask if you are depressed or have thoughts about harming yourself etc, and all you have to do is say “no”. It’s super easy.
It’s a hell of a lot easier than word vomiting how your mom passed Christmas Eve 18 years ago on oxy and how you recognize all the reasons for why it was for the better. About how you are unfulfilled and live in a bog of stagnancy.
So the contrast of other people and who they are surrounded by and me is pretty staggering. I am proud of my ability to take care of myself and not rely mentally/emotionally/financially on others, but after years of alone and no one even remotely interested romantically, its been crushing.
It’s difficult to just need someone to talk to that you trust. Someone to help sort life out, someone that can assure you. Give you that positive energy, take the burden of some of the bleakness. All the while you are required to exude this for everyone else, in every aspect.
The holidays are fast approaching and I’m doing my best. I’m decluttering and one step in front of the other, I don’t know why. I don’t see a future and I can’t seem to make any goals. You are supposed to see your future in 5 years and it be in a different place. Even if its not what you imagined it to be, you are almost guaranteed it will be different than what you have now. Mine hasn’t changed for 7 years.
It’s frustrating and defeating.
I understand people come and go. It’s the being reminded that everyone has someone, even many someone’s, and I have to lie about my state of mind and being taken care of. It’s deafening...
At this point, I know this is very self pity but I had to release it. It’s been giving me a cancer having it all bundled up in a thought cloud of anger and confusion and hurt. I understand I accept the situation for what it is, how I am treated is about how I respond, blah blah blah...
I am just at the point of needing to put this out there. Take a step in releasing something, however it be. The only thing I can do at this point for myself is to do my best to emit positivity to others and trust that maybe someday it comes back. I just cannot be some sort of dedicated filter system as my role in life. I refuse to believe I just live to serve, I just don’t know where the path diverges. I don’t know how to fill from an empty cup.
