Reminded that it's not my fault, because normal people don't go around telling their partners they are horrible people for not bending to their vision of potential.
I don't exactly know where in this cycle there is going to be a solution. Obviously it will come between shared blame but at what thought? It's almost like I am asking myself, like a lawyer cross examining, "On what grounds will my arguments be based on?" Which cliche am I supposed to be paying attention to here for my epiphany?
I'm not a fan of forgiveness. I never really believed in it. I called it a bullshit cop out. I've had some pretty shitty things happen to me at the hands of other people I came across in my life and I have no real recollection of sitting down, thinking about, releasing or making an effort towards forgiving the person for whatever heinous behavior I was subjected to. It's just a matter of no contact. That's it. Done, over, walk away, be mad but feel lesson learned. I suppose I have forgiven my mother for certain things but all together? No. I think some of the things I went through growing up is most definitely NOT a part of your every day average American teenager.
So it's in the past and clearly there is nothing that can be done to ever change the past, and I should feel like I learned a lesson and the whole drinking poison waiting for it to affect the other person, not to forget I should do it for me. It's a pointless argument and it's based on petty, immature thoughts. It is what it is.
Right?
I think a huge part of this is him still being around. I can't stand it. I feel like I could jump out of my skin for all of the awful sensations he is. How even though there is no contact and no communication, he still manages to find ways to be a bully. Granted he's gone again more now, (even heard his child complaining about having to be involved in all the various relationships he is having.), which gives me that sense of relaxation can be had but then it will come to the day he is likely expected back and I get stomach cramps, I have nausea. And it's not because I am so angry or moody, it's because of the vibration he brings with him. I constantly feel on defense because I absolutely refuse to be treated as I was ever again and obviously he is enemy number 1.I will never feel invalidated or less than or inadequate around him, ever again. No matter how, I have to present myself. I feel like I have to be angry to protect myself.... I was thinking this morning...
After reading an article from a Buddhist perspective on letting go of resentment, it spoke of how it can be traced to not being able to ever communicate your feelings. To have them acknowledged or to just deal with them. I was ignored a lot when I was younger. I had to live through some pretty sordid situations with drug abuse, prescription abuse, heroin users, meth addicts, crack heads, alcoholics, witness to physical abuse.... The only time I was able to get out how I was was feeling about my frustrating situations, was to not. To confront if I had to and walk away forever. No one told me I had a right to feel angry or sad or really to have any emotion at all. I didn't have an opinion or a voice in any matter. I was used, taken advantage of and neglected at times. Self-harm sets in at a young age in these situations and while I had no knowledge of self-harm at the time, it was something I did.
Instinctively.
I was horrified and confused but it meant no additional drama and I could be left alone with my "feelings" and "emotions" as they presented with deep, etched and at times bloody, fingernail scratches up the thighs.
So insert me into a marriage where I just want to be out of my current surroundings to a man who was brought up with a representation of a father and mother family, a dominating father at that, where also emotion and affection are not factors. I was well into my 30's before fully understanding anything that had to do with my feelings or emotions, what I was doing with them, why etc...
So I think I am coming to realize the source of my anger might just be tied in with giving one person in my life, my complete trust, love and devotion and being abruptly rejected after years of easing into being able to be open with someone.
A big chunk of it anyway.
Forgiveness in Buddhism is a big thing. You literally have to embrace it to achieve enlightenment. I can't say I forgive if I don't. I can't tell myself to "just fucking let it go", and have it be over with. I feel like once I can be in an environment I can call home; once I am in a place I feel safe and out of judgement or sense of servitude or racked with anxiety, I can forgive. When I don't have to look around and see a strangers stuff all over my house. When the end of my weekend puts me in a medical position of having hives because of how stressed I am? It's just not going to happen while I am still being reminded of pain lived.
In the meantime I keep flopping the word over in my mind. Like some kind of blob, I just can't figure out what to do with. I can't file this and categorize away. I need to make a place for it. Clear out some space, and try to empty at least this one piece of heavy baggage. Pretty sure it's a smelly old steamer trunk...
I'm getting a second job. I don't have the obligation of cleaning and cooking and playing worship to a man so I have the time. I need the money and with school and the lack of a social life, there really isn't a reason why not. Physically, I'm upset. My elbows have severe pain and numbness in my fingers with arm usage. Fun.
I certainly don't feel the need to fake a relationship just to have a place to live. I have a history of living on my own and taking care of myself. The fact that he EVER thought that I was with him because I needed to be? Coming from the man who slips from one relationship to the next almost seamlessly. Jesus Christ.....
I'm still getting over trying not to second guess myself. To not feel inadequate. To try to feel attractive. To feel like I might be good for someone and vice versa. To reassure myself I AM a decent person. That I need to have patience with myself and I need to take care of myself for once.
I really wish I was taught how to set boundaries.
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