In the constant ebb and flow that is the ocean of meandering
thoughts in my head, I spend a lot of time on the cusp. The cusp of being able to understand
something on a deeper level, intuitively.
That point of realizing something profound where whatever it is that is
being pondered is about to be revealed to me.
There is a connection between things that are unseen. There is a specific way that things happen or
will occur that ultimately, we just don’t have control over.
I’m not speaking on the point of day to day living or
running into an old friend. Getting into
an accident or taking the consequences of not being prepared for
something. I’m speaking on an entirely
esoteric level. In the way that
everything we know to be true is based on energy. Vibration.
Elements we may or may not be able to touch, see, hear. Including our own physical selves. Does this include thought as well? It would
have to, those too, are energy. Whether
released out or contained within you.
To me, it feels as if there is a finite amount of energy in
this world. (I’m not going outside into
universe territory, I want to keep this more linear, approachable). When I think of this/these energies, I feel
as if I am looking directly at something but there is a blind spot right in the
middle of where I am looking. It is very
frustrating and if I do just a little more digging….
At any rate, going back to the rules of thermodynamics,
energy can be neither created nor destroyed.
It can change forms however. I
realize this was meant to classify our environments of a scientific nature, but
it just applies to everything. EVERYTHING.
So when it is said that we “create” the energy or vibration we need,
meaning, if it is your dream to go sledding down the Rockies, you are going to
invest your energy into accomplishing that task. You find that which you seek. Perhaps there are conscience efforts to
arrange and prioritize your daily life, and maybe you don’t think about it and
you just do it. Damn the
consequences. Either way, we make
sacrifices and compromises within the universe to accomplish the things we
want. Unfortunately, as silly human
creatures, it can be very difficult to find out that which you are willing to
work towards. What is worth something to
you now, could very easily lose all value to you next week, even with just the
process of maturation or the hierarchy of needs.
I feel like finding the mass of your energy is directly
correlated to discovering your own boundaries.
Yet, even though you seek to find the edge of the table, the more you
try to seek how much room you have left, the more you push it away from you.
Not as growth, but as you attempt
pursuit.
I follow Buddhism of the Vipassana teaching, utilizing metta
meditation (when I am more disciplined).
This is a method of enlightenment that the Buddha himself gained
nibbana. There are other paths to take,
other methods of teaching, some more modern, some more strict but this is a
truth. That Buddha reached enlightenment
through metta meditation on the eight fold path. Also known as loving kindness
meditation. You do not focus on your
breathing, no object of distraction, no clearing out something that is
impossible to clear out. It is utilizing
the energy you have to provide yourself with what you need to be present. Here.
Now. Once it is realized you have
control over this, that it is YOU, there crops up an ego which you must also
push to the wayside. All in all, it is
not a religion one practices. It is a
lifestyle.
So, now you have this energy that you have learned can
influence your life. It should be so
easy just to wish oneself into wealth and importance right? Well that’s the
kicker. Personal gain doesn’t fly in
this realm. Ironically, the jhanas you
progress through provide these intense feelings and deep rooted remembered
knowledge. The first being joy. As you progress and become more, you are
shown that you are in fact, less. That
you are ultimately everything and nothing.
A phrase easy to say, an experience easily related but the audience will
not truly know or understand the reality of this, what it means and how it all
fits together unless it is actually experienced, for themselves. Not to say you won’t encounter this truth if
you are not following Buddhism, just as meditation can take any form, truth can be revealed in any way.
I have not gotten this far, this understanding. My Bhante spoke of being able to see the
world around you come to life and die almost instantly, like a flicker. He spoke of the more enlightened you become,
the less you rely on your world around you.
People and relationships will not mean the same thing. Physical cravings, even of the most
biological kind, won’t mean even half as much as they do to you before. So naturally I questioned him. It seemed unnatural to me to want to achieve this
happiness, this level of not suffering only to not have the bonds and ties of
your own life and the people around you.
He said some choose to not go forward.
Some choose to stay in their jhana, it is a personal choice. You are not forced into this recognition of
life force. Of the universe. But, what
you learn, cannot be unlearned.
I crave more. I want
more. I felt and know of the amazing
changes that occur and the way to get there is practice, of which I lack
discipline in not wanting more. Craving
leads to suffering.
I have a nasty habit of living in the past. It is such a pattern of thinking so ingrained
into me, it is the thing I struggle with the most. I want to look at the past and have
introspection. Pick it apart and see
what makes the past tick. As if it
matters. As if I continue to needle at
it, I will somehow, magically, find an answer in today. It is one of those things that is out of my
control and is very frustrating. So I
feel I am constantly in a loop of past/now torture but it’s not something I
actively seek.
I realized that in the past, I was told there was something
wrong with me. Since there actually wasn’t, I began physical manifestations of
non-explainable health issues. I
believed what I was told by someone I looked up to and in the end, it led to
depression and many suicidal thoughts.
When I was removed from being subjected to a higher standard demanded OF
me for someone else, my manifestations stopped.
Literally went away practically overnight. I dropped over 60 lbs without even
trying. The only physical pain I have is
from a validated ulcer and validated tendon damage which are both
manageable. I tend to look back and I
see me as a different person shrouded in fear, shame, depression and inadequacy
and I want nothing more than to protect
others from having to live this way as well.
I acted out of emotion when I was told I wasn’t wanted. I lashed out, I blamed, I spit anger at the
injustice of treating someone like I was treated, systematically, over time,
broken down and molded into unrecognizable me.
My view was one of unfair. Here I
had put years of heart and soul into someone I believed truly wasn’t the
monster I see now, and it was the worst investment of my life. That I allowed myself to be so controlled by
my own fear and just wanting acceptance.
When I began standing up for myself in retaliation for the sneers and
shitty double standards was when I had a shift in reality. That he didn’t like that I was standing up
for myself. In fact, putting me down and
dismissing me, invalidating me over my own stance. I just wanted revenge. I just wanted retribution.
I am still very much healing myself. Defining my boundaries and making my life
mine again. I still have forgotten
memories bubble up every now and then as if my mind is telling me I am not done
realizing what my worth REALLY is and reminding me that I should never ever
settle just for meager attention,
unreciprocated love, ever again.
I do not use my energies for what others want of me
anymore. It’s mine and I control
it. I do not want to have the anxiety
and fear that comes from years of being told to fix myself. Being shown that I am of lesser importance
than someone else’s wants. I’m stronger
now, because I have to be. I’m smarter
now because I have been given the tools to open my mind. I am capable of loving more now because I have
begun to express my own self as loving kindness and I am beginning to shed away
the cares that I had for others in the sense of worrying over what another’s
opinion of me is. Because I know my best
and I will give my best, genuinely and I am letting judgments slip through my
fingers to fall to the wayside. I can
trust my intuition again and I can make better decisions because of this. Confidence is returning in a muted
egotistical way of “what do I have that is spectacular that I can give to you”.
My first thoughts aren’t of negativity
but positive love and light.
These things that I am, that I have, will become are not in
relation to who was in my past and what they have done to cover me, nor is it
out of spite.
It is what it is, it
is me. It is my everything and nothing.
