I recently read part of a quote that said “don’t allow your emotions to overpower your intelligence.” And I have been trying like mad to make this my mantra.
I have battled against my emotions and actions for as long as I can remember and while I have gotten better for the most part, there are still plenty of times where I walk away from something even more furious, embarrassed or completely ashamed of how I allowed my behavior to take over.
The past few weeks have been a downward spiral of depression and self hate. Of course it all has to do with the narcissist.
The last evening we went out, we had a nice time, he began the evening by venting about his mother, how much he hated her, how much of a shit show she is. His brother asked him to help out with a living arrangement for her and he was flabberghasted that this would even be asked of him. So he vented, vented to another friend, we watched the hockey game and no one became too drunk or obnoxious.
The MINUTE we step into his house, I let the dogs out, I open a beer and we start chatting about the evening. All of a sudden, he tells me how he was just telling his brother the other day how much I was like his mother and how he hated that. Hated every aspect of who I was and how I presented myself.
At this point I have completely shut down. I am gathering my things, leashing up my dog and taking my leave. I can barely see straight, I am so angry and confused. I feel completely insulted and it came from out of nowhere.
I get home, try to call so I can ask in a non hostile manner why he did this. He refuses to answer. He sends a rude text.
I made a visit to the vodka bottle and reconcile with my passion trying to wrap my head around the question of ‘what. the. Fuck. ‘
This did not go well.
I spit out many emails railing on and on about how two faced and an asshole he is. How his double standards are bullshit. I hate that he lied to me. That he lied about me. That he embarrassed me and made me look like a fool all in the name of him trying to make himself look good. I know full well he leaves out the part of the story where he was insulting me or being a drunk asshole.
Two days later I get the text of his penis, and a message saying I should come suck it. I can’t believe he would stoop to this, knowing full well what was going on between us. How he told me he was cutting me out of his life completely for a few days so I can ‘calm the fuck down’. I voice my opinion on how tasteless this is, and I am apologizing left and right for my drunken outburst. He offers no apologies what so ever. He is still so very upset that a week and a half before, we went out drinking and he began insulting me or as he said “making fun of you”. I got drunk and told him I was upset because we didn’t have a good sex life. I remember telling him “just because you have a big dick, doesn’t mean you know how to have sex” which was a stupid meme I saw. The past four times we did have sex, it was me instigating it, him being done in under two minutes and he did not even care if I enjoyed myself with him at all.
I knew I should have picked a better time and a better way to bring this up, but when I am told I am not supposed to ask for sex, I have to seduce him, and then two weeks later, I am told the reason we don’t have sex more is because I don’t initiate it, it can be a little confusing.
I was angry. I wanted him to hurt as much as I was.
I saw what was happening for the past couple weeks. How he couldn’t bother to respond to my texts but couldn’t respond back to others fast enough. Hiding the phone constantly, even to go pee. Hiding things from me. Lying to me. I guess men don’t think we see through the bullshit, but its instinctual. He was garnering and giving attention to someone new because I wasn’t enough for him. All the while saying “i love you”. Asking me to help take care of his dog (which i later found out through him bragging to others, it was literally so he could go out drinking.).
When I responded unfavorably to the invitation to suck his dick, that I was hoping for a meaningful conversation about what was going on, because I was calling him out on his bullshit, and he didn’t like it, I was told “I don’t know what to say. The only thing I can offer you at this point is a hate fuck”.
I threatened him that I would tell his ‘interest’ all about him, and what an asshole he was and his reply told me all I needed to know.
He was pissed off that I would do that to him.
Not that there wasn’t anyone else, but that I better not.
I immediately went to my facebook page and deleted everyone that we were mutual friends with and deactivated my account for two weeks so I could process some hurt and not be accused of dragging his name through bullshit.
Last week he texted me out of the blue to ask me to take his dog because he couldn’t handle him anymore.
I was as polite as I could be and I told him that I didn’t appreciate him coming to me for this. That I knew he understood why I can’t help him.
This has all been phenomenally difficult for me.
It has been straight I up grieving, painful and ridiculous all around.
The first weekend in, I found myself in the bottom of a few bottles of vodka and I knew I couldn’t continue in that manner. My self destruct mode was more than I could handle.
I couldn’t stop playing things back in my head. How he accused me of not wanting him to be happy. When I pointed out all that I did, because I cared for him, thought of him in a loving way and supported him BECAUSE I wanted to see him happy and that was important to me, he told me I only did anything because I was ‘selfish and only trying to get him to love me.”
If someone else did something against him, or obnoxious when drinking it was deemed “endearing” or “funny”. I was held to a double standard where if I did it, it was unforgivable and I was a piece of shit. He could get angry at me, insult me and put me down but if I stood up for myself, because Jesus Christ, I’m not going to allow myself to be treated like shit, it was grounds for never seeing me again.
This man who wanted nothing more than to talk about how awesome he is the whole night. Tell everyone in the bar how amazing he was. Listened to him and his friends talk constantly about the “glory days” when he sold coke and there were parties and strippers and booze everywhere. This man who talked shit about me in his drunken sleep and talked of other women. Who never complimented me. Who never felt the need to make me feel special but if I ignored him, all hell would break loose. Who, when he wasn’t regaling everyone with how wonderful he was, was on his phone, texting and chatting to others. I would only get an apology for ‘ignoring’ me if it was work related. I never asked what was going on, but if I had a conversation on my phone in front of him, he was very quick to lean over and see who and what was going on.
I always made so many excuses for him in my mind as to why he behaved this way. It had to have been because he was from a broken home. He clearly didn’t understand how to express love and respect. He liked to brag to everyone else about the great things he did for his ex’s all the while I am sitting there, just coming off of a week of fighting because it was my birthday, a holiday, an anniversary and he would blatantly pick fights with me. I always expected it. I figured maybe he was just one of those guys that doesn’t show their feelings. I was ok with that. He didn’t know how to communicate, I worked with that. I never expected anything from him and I never asked anything. I learned a long time ago, I couldn’t even go to him to talk to if I had a bad day. Me telling him I had a rough day led to him literally texting back and saying “ok, well, have a good night then.” I voiced that this hurt, that I listened to him talk about his problems Every Fucking Day. He said he didn’t want to hear mine, that I was probably just “bitching about what I always bitch about.”
He jumps through hoops to help other people that treat him like shit and use him. Or if they have something of value he can use from them. I told him I didn’t appreciate him being treated like shit and he agreed with me. Then two days later, I am a ‘fucking bitch’ because I tell him his friends treat him like shit.
I kept making excuses. I kept believing him when he said certain things. I had this feeling that there was more to him than he was showing. I was willing to compromise all the time for his ego. I gave him time, attention, support and more.
So to find out that he really is this monster, this person who literally does not give a shit about me and never has, was a hammer to the head. There is no fucking way I could have done this for two years. Looked up to him, wanted him in my life. Became completely vulnerable to someone who had no intention of reciprocating anything in a relationship.
Nothing.
How the hell could I have kept forgiving him for what he had done, why did I believe he was going to ever change? To respect me? To be proud of me and happy for me? Why did only ‘hope’ keep me devaluing myself and allowing him to tell me I was worthless? Why did I fucking believe it?
I was forced to ask myself, why does this hurt so bad? What exactly am I losing in this relationship? Where he talks bad about me, lies about me, to me. Hides things because “I knew you’d use it against me” (then why participate in behavior you know is going to hurt someone who loves you???)
I lost my best friend.
And he wasn’t even a very good friend.
I lost someone to hang out with that was fun and even he managed to sabotage that plenty of times. He talked of how I “just went crazy for no reason” which is a total and complete lie. Why the hell would I just go off without being provoked? Why can’t he admit of his faults? I have always owned my shit. I have many regrets. I worked on changing my behavior and worked on making a relationship a success which was pointless considering, I was never valued in the first place but he allowed me to think I was.
I am angry. I am disappointed. I am ashamed. Angry at him because this is a terrible way to treat people. He mistook my kindness for weakness. I am angry more at myself because I couldn’t just walk away from being treated like shit. I had to fight for myself and stand up for myself, which again, pointless because I didn’t matter.
I am very well aware of this being completely my fault in that I allowed it to continue. I am ashamed to have ever dated this “man”. I feel as if I have wasted two years of my life doing my best when it wasn’t valued. I wish I had the strength and lack of empathy to have walked away a long time ago when I first did and he said later, “yeah, I don’t know why we stopped talking then.....”
Well I did. I should not have thought he would be any different for having watched me walk away once.
I allowed myself to believe I wasn’t enough and too much from someone who wouldn’t piss on me if I were on fire because it didn’t benefit him.
I think I assumed after dealing with one narcissist, I would be able to emotionally handle another. Like I was prepared. That I had to believe the end result was going to be worth the sacrifice.
And I only ended up breaking my own heart.
It fucking hurts.
Friday, May 17, 2019
Thursday, December 20, 2018
Bleeding Out
It’s been a rather tumultuous year for the last relationship. One full of tears, anger, accusations and fear. I’m still reeling over the end, sort of in a disbelief tailspin wondering how someone really can’t see their own behavior. I was so damn patient and forgiving and it didn’t dawn on me until the end that I was in a very one sided relationship. He was not reciprocating at all. He would start fights with me and then blame me. Say things like he didn’t like when I drank liquor and then ten minutes later would be serving up shots to drink. Everything was on his terms. I learned, yet again, to walk on eggshells around someone else because any little thing could set him off especially when he was crabby. I was blamed for his lack of working out. I was told I was preventing him from seeing his friends (which was completely untrue and I encouraged the associations with out me several times). I was told I was the reason he drank too much and spent too much money. Yet every time we would have our time apart, his behavior didn’t change. He practically bragged about it. It was insulting.
So why do I feel like I’ve lost everything? Why does it feel like physical pain inside of me that this is finally over? I still have crying spells over memories that I adored. I still keep waiting to see messages from him to brighten my day and I still miss the smell of him on my skin.
I’ve come to realize he didn’t love me. He is an ultimate narcissist. He loves himself. He loved that I would drop everything for him. He loved that I would do favors for him. He loved that I paid half the tab. He loved having company when it was convenient for him. Loved having someone he could bitch to everyday about his hell day. Loved having my support and encouragement. Loved that I bought him gifts and cooked meals. He loved nothing about me. Didn’t think I was particularly attractive. Thought I was stupid and beneath him. So why continue to keep me coming back and saying he loved me? Why did I believe his words and not fully pay attention to his actions?
I kept waiting for things to get better. For us to work through an issue and come out stronger and the whole time he just kept getting worse. Lying about me. Lying to me. Hiding things from me. It’s really so very embarrassing that I gave so much of myself to him and surrendered my own ego. He made me feel completely invalid and worthless. I felt like I had to keep proving myself and it was never good enough. No compliments were given. No thank you’s extended. No reciprocation of anything other than sharing the bill.
So I keep reminding myself over and over of the insults that were hurled at me when he was drunk. I remind myself of his behavior. I keep repeating ‘he’s a piece of shit’ and I still can’t figure out why letting go of someone like this is so difficult.
I wasted a year and a half giving and doing and being for someone who didn’t feel half as much for me and my ego has taken a beating. I want to be noticed. I want to be appreciated. I want to feel attractive and those times from him were rare and few between. I made so many excuses for him. His lack of a good home life growing up, his parents and lack thereof. Perhaps he’s one of those that just doesn’t communicate well or how I do. Maybe he just needed more space. If only he’d stop drinking so much....If only I could keep my mouth shut about what bothers me when I drink too much.....
It’s the end of the year. It’s a stressful time for me. Thinking of my moms suicide and how the kids have grown. I look back and I have nothing to show for the time I have spent with him except that I broke my own heart wishing I could be someone to him. Everyone’s so busy and going through their own things. I work alone and come home to be alone. I don’t want to leave the house and for a minute I was self medicating with alcohol. I feel very much alone and pretty empty. I’d love to have something to look forward to but my motivation to create plans for myself is so depleted. I figure I will take this time for myself to heal. To think about what I’ve done, what I have allowed to happen and try to make sense of my feelings as best I can.
I wish I didn’t have to be so negative. I wish I could remember the good things about him. I wish I could spout on and on about the great times we did have, because for the most part, when we were good, we were great. Then something in him would snap and he’d be picking fights and accusing me of ruining his life. Leaving me confused and hurt. Always attempting sooner than later to apologize and admitting a small part of fault. Keeping me hanging on....
This too shall pass. I just needed to get this out. I’m still bleeding out and I hope it stops soon...
So why do I feel like I’ve lost everything? Why does it feel like physical pain inside of me that this is finally over? I still have crying spells over memories that I adored. I still keep waiting to see messages from him to brighten my day and I still miss the smell of him on my skin.
I’ve come to realize he didn’t love me. He is an ultimate narcissist. He loves himself. He loved that I would drop everything for him. He loved that I would do favors for him. He loved that I paid half the tab. He loved having company when it was convenient for him. Loved having someone he could bitch to everyday about his hell day. Loved having my support and encouragement. Loved that I bought him gifts and cooked meals. He loved nothing about me. Didn’t think I was particularly attractive. Thought I was stupid and beneath him. So why continue to keep me coming back and saying he loved me? Why did I believe his words and not fully pay attention to his actions?
I kept waiting for things to get better. For us to work through an issue and come out stronger and the whole time he just kept getting worse. Lying about me. Lying to me. Hiding things from me. It’s really so very embarrassing that I gave so much of myself to him and surrendered my own ego. He made me feel completely invalid and worthless. I felt like I had to keep proving myself and it was never good enough. No compliments were given. No thank you’s extended. No reciprocation of anything other than sharing the bill.
So I keep reminding myself over and over of the insults that were hurled at me when he was drunk. I remind myself of his behavior. I keep repeating ‘he’s a piece of shit’ and I still can’t figure out why letting go of someone like this is so difficult.
I wasted a year and a half giving and doing and being for someone who didn’t feel half as much for me and my ego has taken a beating. I want to be noticed. I want to be appreciated. I want to feel attractive and those times from him were rare and few between. I made so many excuses for him. His lack of a good home life growing up, his parents and lack thereof. Perhaps he’s one of those that just doesn’t communicate well or how I do. Maybe he just needed more space. If only he’d stop drinking so much....If only I could keep my mouth shut about what bothers me when I drink too much.....
It’s the end of the year. It’s a stressful time for me. Thinking of my moms suicide and how the kids have grown. I look back and I have nothing to show for the time I have spent with him except that I broke my own heart wishing I could be someone to him. Everyone’s so busy and going through their own things. I work alone and come home to be alone. I don’t want to leave the house and for a minute I was self medicating with alcohol. I feel very much alone and pretty empty. I’d love to have something to look forward to but my motivation to create plans for myself is so depleted. I figure I will take this time for myself to heal. To think about what I’ve done, what I have allowed to happen and try to make sense of my feelings as best I can.
I wish I didn’t have to be so negative. I wish I could remember the good things about him. I wish I could spout on and on about the great times we did have, because for the most part, when we were good, we were great. Then something in him would snap and he’d be picking fights and accusing me of ruining his life. Leaving me confused and hurt. Always attempting sooner than later to apologize and admitting a small part of fault. Keeping me hanging on....
This too shall pass. I just needed to get this out. I’m still bleeding out and I hope it stops soon...
Friday, April 27, 2018
Your ego crushed your own happiness
I should have left and not came back after taking you out to dinner for your birthday. Coming home with you only to have you 'politely' insult me after sex and I was leaving.
After you invited me to the zoo that Sunday and when I texted you a "good morning, Happy Birthday" message, you said "thanks" and ignored me.
When I asked why you didn't go to the zoo like you wanted, you said it was because I didn't get a hold of you.
I should have left and walked away when I asked you to go camping and you said you would make an effort which you had NO intentions of doing. When I said I couldn't wait to take you and how much fun we'd have, you threatened our budding relationship. Said I was being "too pushy".
I should have left and never came back when you sat at the bar doing shots with your friends, completely ignoring me and not including me only to go home and have you break up with me because I "wasn't showing you enough physical attention" while we were there. Telling me how awful I am. How you felt you deserved better. Telling me to "get the fuck out".
I should have left and never came back after going to see a friends band and you getting so drunk you argued with every little thing I said. I tried to ignore it and look past your pettiness but back home you once again reveled your war cry of "get the fuck out of here."
I should have left and never came back when on my birthday, you took me out to dinner and we got so drunk, you started picking fights with me because you can never be wrong and if I ever disagree with you, you consider that I am all against you. Where once again I was told to "get the fuck out".
Again, a week later, getting so wasted you yelled at me for being emotional because I was embarrassed my wig had come off in the music venue. Once again, evicting me from your life.
We had a few months where you didn't get too wasted but once when playing the wii, you asked what music I wanted playing. I made a suggestion, you didn't like it, so you played what you wanted and I said "ok". Half an hour later accusing me of not liking what you were playing and being pissed about it when I wasn't even caring.
I had to learn to not drink as much because of your egotistical temper had me afraid. I watched you doing shots ever thinking "is this the night he blows up at me for no reason?" I had to bite my tongue and just agree with whatever you were upset about because any challenge I presented, no matter how small, was greeted with anger and toxicity. If I got caught up in the moment of having fun with you, I was more likely to pay a price of you threatening our relationship.
I stuck around when you got drunk and began arguing with me my own personal spiritual beliefs. When I was trying to explain to you what I was trying to say, you refused to listen to me. Once again uttering "well I guess this is over...."
I should have been more upset on the night you went out to a party, messaging me at 11:20 saying you miss me and would see me soon. When I hadn't heard from you by 2 am, I texted hoping everything was ok. When you didn't respond I called and all you said was "do you want me to come home? Or what?" I assured you, I was just concerned and you kept talking over me saying you would just come home. When you did at 4:30 am you came into bed and started talking shit to me. I can't unhear how you said "why can't you just love me? You're just like every other woman, I'm tired of dealing with your shit, just like Carlie... You guys are fucking awful."
I knew you weren't in your right mind and I kept calm waiting to talk to you about this the next day. You denied so much of what happened because you couldn't remember. I had to throw your 'to-go' cup out of the passenger seat of my car.
You asked me to move in with you and a month later erupted at me after dinner. I was talking about dream jobs I'd love to have like "snl writer or forensic scientist" and you got extremely angry. Yelling at me about "I can't believe you don't know what you want to do!! I can't be with you!!"
So I once again, collected my things and "got the fuck out".
You broke up with me pleading we fight too much and refuse to acknowledge that the only times we ever did was when you were drinking too much. disagreeing over the smallest, stupidest shit. Because we HAD nothing to fight about. I had my moments of getting too wasted and saying fuck you too many times but I won't be backed into a corner for you insulting me for no reason. I stopped doing that because I knew it upset you. Yet you still continued to accuse me of it when I didn't. You accused me of jealousy for hanging with your brother which was complete bullshit. I offered several times for you to just hang out with him alone because I didn't want to sit there the third wheel the whole time like you had a habit of doing. I made my own entertainment and prayed you wouldn't get mad at me for not showering you with attention all over again.
You could never take responsibility for your own actions. Even blaming me for you drinking too much. Blaming me for you spending too much money when I NEVER expected you to foot my bill, and I paid my way through the whole relationship.
In all of this shipwreck you did nothing but accuse me of not making you happy when just the week before you were as excited as I was about our "home together" we were gonna have. You came out of left field to me claiming your unhappiness had been going on for weeks but you never once displayed a single sign of being unhappy.
I practiced so much patience with you, I tolerated behavior from you that you would have NEVER tolerated. I kept looking to the positive in you. I kept thinking you would realize what you were doing and if you cared about me enough, you would stop treating me like shit. Stop demanding so much attention while giving me none. Check your ego and maybe have empathy for me.
But you can never be wrong. I heard this from others as well who reached out to me to ask what you did. First things they said were "well he can be very arrogant." "there's a reason he can't have a healthy relationship".
I practiced unconditional love with you because I looked past your flaws you showed me in how you treated me when you were drinking. I knew that wasn't the real you as I had regrets about my own drunken mishandlings of you.
I was told "I love you" after you ended it and it was followed by continuous messages of how you said I made you miserable and how unhappy you were. You said "I love you" and then followed it up with messages telling me how I felt. Projecting your insecurities onto me. Telling me how I felt.
Opening up communication was extremely difficult because if I said how I felt when you were hurting me, you blamed me.
I just should have left and never came back.
It would have hurt a whole lot less.
I wouldn't have to search so hard to find my value in myself.
After you invited me to the zoo that Sunday and when I texted you a "good morning, Happy Birthday" message, you said "thanks" and ignored me.
When I asked why you didn't go to the zoo like you wanted, you said it was because I didn't get a hold of you.
I should have left and walked away when I asked you to go camping and you said you would make an effort which you had NO intentions of doing. When I said I couldn't wait to take you and how much fun we'd have, you threatened our budding relationship. Said I was being "too pushy".
I should have left and never came back when you sat at the bar doing shots with your friends, completely ignoring me and not including me only to go home and have you break up with me because I "wasn't showing you enough physical attention" while we were there. Telling me how awful I am. How you felt you deserved better. Telling me to "get the fuck out".
I should have left and never came back after going to see a friends band and you getting so drunk you argued with every little thing I said. I tried to ignore it and look past your pettiness but back home you once again reveled your war cry of "get the fuck out of here."
I should have left and never came back when on my birthday, you took me out to dinner and we got so drunk, you started picking fights with me because you can never be wrong and if I ever disagree with you, you consider that I am all against you. Where once again I was told to "get the fuck out".
Again, a week later, getting so wasted you yelled at me for being emotional because I was embarrassed my wig had come off in the music venue. Once again, evicting me from your life.
We had a few months where you didn't get too wasted but once when playing the wii, you asked what music I wanted playing. I made a suggestion, you didn't like it, so you played what you wanted and I said "ok". Half an hour later accusing me of not liking what you were playing and being pissed about it when I wasn't even caring.
I had to learn to not drink as much because of your egotistical temper had me afraid. I watched you doing shots ever thinking "is this the night he blows up at me for no reason?" I had to bite my tongue and just agree with whatever you were upset about because any challenge I presented, no matter how small, was greeted with anger and toxicity. If I got caught up in the moment of having fun with you, I was more likely to pay a price of you threatening our relationship.
I stuck around when you got drunk and began arguing with me my own personal spiritual beliefs. When I was trying to explain to you what I was trying to say, you refused to listen to me. Once again uttering "well I guess this is over...."
I should have been more upset on the night you went out to a party, messaging me at 11:20 saying you miss me and would see me soon. When I hadn't heard from you by 2 am, I texted hoping everything was ok. When you didn't respond I called and all you said was "do you want me to come home? Or what?" I assured you, I was just concerned and you kept talking over me saying you would just come home. When you did at 4:30 am you came into bed and started talking shit to me. I can't unhear how you said "why can't you just love me? You're just like every other woman, I'm tired of dealing with your shit, just like Carlie... You guys are fucking awful."
I knew you weren't in your right mind and I kept calm waiting to talk to you about this the next day. You denied so much of what happened because you couldn't remember. I had to throw your 'to-go' cup out of the passenger seat of my car.
You asked me to move in with you and a month later erupted at me after dinner. I was talking about dream jobs I'd love to have like "snl writer or forensic scientist" and you got extremely angry. Yelling at me about "I can't believe you don't know what you want to do!! I can't be with you!!"
So I once again, collected my things and "got the fuck out".
You broke up with me pleading we fight too much and refuse to acknowledge that the only times we ever did was when you were drinking too much. disagreeing over the smallest, stupidest shit. Because we HAD nothing to fight about. I had my moments of getting too wasted and saying fuck you too many times but I won't be backed into a corner for you insulting me for no reason. I stopped doing that because I knew it upset you. Yet you still continued to accuse me of it when I didn't. You accused me of jealousy for hanging with your brother which was complete bullshit. I offered several times for you to just hang out with him alone because I didn't want to sit there the third wheel the whole time like you had a habit of doing. I made my own entertainment and prayed you wouldn't get mad at me for not showering you with attention all over again.
You could never take responsibility for your own actions. Even blaming me for you drinking too much. Blaming me for you spending too much money when I NEVER expected you to foot my bill, and I paid my way through the whole relationship.
In all of this shipwreck you did nothing but accuse me of not making you happy when just the week before you were as excited as I was about our "home together" we were gonna have. You came out of left field to me claiming your unhappiness had been going on for weeks but you never once displayed a single sign of being unhappy.
I practiced so much patience with you, I tolerated behavior from you that you would have NEVER tolerated. I kept looking to the positive in you. I kept thinking you would realize what you were doing and if you cared about me enough, you would stop treating me like shit. Stop demanding so much attention while giving me none. Check your ego and maybe have empathy for me.
But you can never be wrong. I heard this from others as well who reached out to me to ask what you did. First things they said were "well he can be very arrogant." "there's a reason he can't have a healthy relationship".
I practiced unconditional love with you because I looked past your flaws you showed me in how you treated me when you were drinking. I knew that wasn't the real you as I had regrets about my own drunken mishandlings of you.
I was told "I love you" after you ended it and it was followed by continuous messages of how you said I made you miserable and how unhappy you were. You said "I love you" and then followed it up with messages telling me how I felt. Projecting your insecurities onto me. Telling me how I felt.
Opening up communication was extremely difficult because if I said how I felt when you were hurting me, you blamed me.
I just should have left and never came back.
It would have hurt a whole lot less.
I wouldn't have to search so hard to find my value in myself.
Wednesday, August 30, 2017
A sub-par performance
Last night I found myself acting out of aggression and frustration and it has been so long since I have exhibited this sort of behavior, I'm still upset.
So of course this came after a few drinks, mixing liquors and not feeling the assault of the loss of inhibitions. The thing is, I know what set me off and I tried to make my case against a thing I was being accused of. In all honesty, I don't think I was in the wrong. I still don't.
I endured a long term relationship with a boy who always had to have his way. When he didn't get that way, he bitched. He would take extra effort to make sure that the decision I had made, that he did not, was an epic failure. Even if I already felt bad about making the 'bad decision'. Then he would turn around and get angry because I refused to make any more decisions about something that was so clearly his field.
So in the scenario last evening, it was a point made that I wanted something the other person did not. I wanted to share a weekend, a fun experience and while I was told it wasn't his thing, I persisted to try to sell the idea. Cause I wasn't getting my way. I got called out for it but I didn't feel it was necessarily handled the right way either in the scolding or in how I handled it. And then I remember that when this event happened, I was basically lied to. A vague promise to try to attend and then a flat out lie of "I didn't know" which turned into me being accused of basically bullying him into this thing when I clearly did not. I accepted the decision, hurt and disappointed, I had every right to feel that way but I didn't deserve to be told I forced the issue.
So there I am, still sitting with this ache of how words got twisted and accusations were made that weren't warranted, I'm being told I won't let it go and..... there are margaritas on the table. After two whiskey cocktails and a Bloody Mary prior. I felt hostile and arrogant and I was upset over what I felt was a lack of sensitivity to my sensitive nature. I became, an asshole.
I keep replaying the stupid things I was thinking and saying and wondering where it all was coming from. Why I was lashing out at this person in retaliation who was himself retaliating. I got so hell bent on trying to stand my ground that I didn't realize the ground was really just water I was treading. Poorly at that. And I want to take it all back.
There may have been a time in my past where I would have just felt more self righteous with my decision to be an asshole, like I finally deserve to get to be that way justly some how, but now it leaves this taste of regret and bitter shallowness in my body. I always wanted to be that better woman who stood up for herself, who didn't let others walk all over her or have another man try to dictate what my emotions should or should not be and it's been a lifetime of trying to figure out how to be that woman. With no role models its been a sketchy path. I find myself watching myself as I grow and try to find that balance and at some times I feel I am leaps and bounds from 3 years ago but at other times just not much has changed since I was 18.
It's been over two years and while I dabbled in dating here and there, I found someone that I admire and look up to. Someone who is incredibly attractive, smart, funny, a smart ass like me and like he always says "clearly we like spending time with each other". I flew into this with no expectations because we had tried dating prior and he said something that I took offense to one night as I was leaving, after taking him out to dinner for his birthday which I chalked up to too much booze, but when we went out again after that, I felt his interest in me had seriously declined. So when he contacted me again, I was pretty set for yet another guy friend to hang out with for the afternoon. But it didn't go that way. It went a way I wasn't expecting at all.
Up until yesterday I didn't question anything about 'us'. It's all very natural and I have to assume he won't be sticking around so I've just been enjoying it for what it is. And its been great. But what I didn't count on are the feelings that come with it all. The inadequacy I began to feel. And I don't know what to do about it.
I have been working so hard on loving myself that I put up these walls of protection. So I find myself standing behind these walls and screaming for attention, love, signs of desire. Trying to be vulnerable for me is akin to feeling like walking directly into a bear trap. I think up until this point I've handled it very well. I've been able to be open and share myself coming from a place of love and integrity but all it took was one tiff to make me doubt who I was.
I don't want to wonder if I am up to someone else's expectations anymore. I did that for too many years for an asshole who just didn't want to be alone.
THIS is what emotional abuse does to someone.
He may not hit you but the scars are forever.
So of course this came after a few drinks, mixing liquors and not feeling the assault of the loss of inhibitions. The thing is, I know what set me off and I tried to make my case against a thing I was being accused of. In all honesty, I don't think I was in the wrong. I still don't.
I endured a long term relationship with a boy who always had to have his way. When he didn't get that way, he bitched. He would take extra effort to make sure that the decision I had made, that he did not, was an epic failure. Even if I already felt bad about making the 'bad decision'. Then he would turn around and get angry because I refused to make any more decisions about something that was so clearly his field.
So in the scenario last evening, it was a point made that I wanted something the other person did not. I wanted to share a weekend, a fun experience and while I was told it wasn't his thing, I persisted to try to sell the idea. Cause I wasn't getting my way. I got called out for it but I didn't feel it was necessarily handled the right way either in the scolding or in how I handled it. And then I remember that when this event happened, I was basically lied to. A vague promise to try to attend and then a flat out lie of "I didn't know" which turned into me being accused of basically bullying him into this thing when I clearly did not. I accepted the decision, hurt and disappointed, I had every right to feel that way but I didn't deserve to be told I forced the issue.
So there I am, still sitting with this ache of how words got twisted and accusations were made that weren't warranted, I'm being told I won't let it go and..... there are margaritas on the table. After two whiskey cocktails and a Bloody Mary prior. I felt hostile and arrogant and I was upset over what I felt was a lack of sensitivity to my sensitive nature. I became, an asshole.
I keep replaying the stupid things I was thinking and saying and wondering where it all was coming from. Why I was lashing out at this person in retaliation who was himself retaliating. I got so hell bent on trying to stand my ground that I didn't realize the ground was really just water I was treading. Poorly at that. And I want to take it all back.
There may have been a time in my past where I would have just felt more self righteous with my decision to be an asshole, like I finally deserve to get to be that way justly some how, but now it leaves this taste of regret and bitter shallowness in my body. I always wanted to be that better woman who stood up for herself, who didn't let others walk all over her or have another man try to dictate what my emotions should or should not be and it's been a lifetime of trying to figure out how to be that woman. With no role models its been a sketchy path. I find myself watching myself as I grow and try to find that balance and at some times I feel I am leaps and bounds from 3 years ago but at other times just not much has changed since I was 18.
It's been over two years and while I dabbled in dating here and there, I found someone that I admire and look up to. Someone who is incredibly attractive, smart, funny, a smart ass like me and like he always says "clearly we like spending time with each other". I flew into this with no expectations because we had tried dating prior and he said something that I took offense to one night as I was leaving, after taking him out to dinner for his birthday which I chalked up to too much booze, but when we went out again after that, I felt his interest in me had seriously declined. So when he contacted me again, I was pretty set for yet another guy friend to hang out with for the afternoon. But it didn't go that way. It went a way I wasn't expecting at all.
Up until yesterday I didn't question anything about 'us'. It's all very natural and I have to assume he won't be sticking around so I've just been enjoying it for what it is. And its been great. But what I didn't count on are the feelings that come with it all. The inadequacy I began to feel. And I don't know what to do about it.
I have been working so hard on loving myself that I put up these walls of protection. So I find myself standing behind these walls and screaming for attention, love, signs of desire. Trying to be vulnerable for me is akin to feeling like walking directly into a bear trap. I think up until this point I've handled it very well. I've been able to be open and share myself coming from a place of love and integrity but all it took was one tiff to make me doubt who I was.
I don't want to wonder if I am up to someone else's expectations anymore. I did that for too many years for an asshole who just didn't want to be alone.
THIS is what emotional abuse does to someone.
He may not hit you but the scars are forever.
Friday, June 30, 2017
Terms for living
Normally when I sit down to write a post I might have a glass or two of wine, perhaps a margarita or a double shot of whiskey to nurse as I ease into my collective thoughts and try to relax with who I am and what I am trying to say. Weed isn't really a go to for writing because..... shiny things.
At the beginning of this month I was, to quote at least one doctor, "in dying mode" and things have been different since.
Not like dramatic I'm-now-a-vegan-and-peace-be-with-you-saint, but more humble. More angry. More selfish. More empathetic. More chronic pain and exhaustion. Literally, more bitchy with a shorter temper. More thoughtful and more willing to ignore what I now deem a 'waste'.
When I was 21 my mother got a call from California that my father died. He was 47. I can count on one hand the times I remember spending with my dad but he was always a there/not there presence in my life as many non-participant fathers are in their daughters lives. Such a mystery to me the bonds I didn't grasp between dad and daughter. Like having a sibling that was mentally/physically handicapped, it was so foreign to me to try to understand what it was 'supposed' to be like to have average. Normal. I did know he drank. A lot. Drug use, likely. What I didn't understand at the time of his death was he was ONLY 47 and he had cirrhosis.
I was violently ill for a week at the beginning of this month and tried to work a couple of days which only kept me down further for exerting myself. No insurance and limited funds with a sense of "this too shall pass" kept me from visiting a doctor to rule out infection that was surely thriving under the 102.5 fever I rocked for four days. The fever passing, the chills abating I went about my life as usual until two days later when I was forced to admit I HAD to go to an urgent care that Saturday for the amount of blood that was in my urine, the exhaustion I was feeling, the fever that wouldn't go and the chills that wouldn't stop. Diagnosed with a urinary tract infection, that I really didn't think I had, I was given a prescription for antibiotics and sent on my way.
Antibiotics that I had a severe reaction to that I forgot about a few years prior.
Now normally I wouldn't forget something as severe as this but mind you, I had a fever for a week, little sleep, mentally I was breaking down, a lot of confusion.
I awoke on the following Monday and knew that with the onset of barely being able to walk, I had to drive myself to the emergency room. Before it was going to get worse.
I listed to triage my symptoms, the schedule of events as they had been happening, the medications I was taking, was prescribed and what I thought was going on. It was like being cross examined and at the same time finding my blood pressure was 70 over 80 causing the staff to wonder if the machine was broke or maybe check it for a fourth time. Admitted with remarks as "kidney trauma" due to the blood in my urine, possible gastrointestinal distress due to the chronic cramping stomach pain, vomiting and diarrhea I had been having and even had remarks made to me of 'withdrawal symptoms' as with using an array of unknown cold medicines and stomach medication, I had meth show in my toxicology screen. I cried instantly given how adamantly opposed I have always been about the drug itself and my mothers history with abusing it.
By the time I was being admitted my tremors were uncontrollable and almost seizure like, there were hallucinations and I could not walk on my own. My lymph nodes in my throat were so swollen I could barely swallow and anything that had any flavor burned like acid coated razor blades in my entire mouth. When I went to use the restroom, I had tears come for the pain that burned like nothing I had ever felt before just from urinating.
Umpteen bags of i.v. fluids and just as many bags of antibiotics would ensue over the next six days along with blood draws every two hours, making me drink this horrid potassium chloride every few hours (really wasn't that bad, it just was the burning and the pain with swallowing I found later). It was noticed I was developing jaundice with yellowing of the eyes and I was talked to about my liver enzymes being just over 500 while 'danger' zone levels begin at 200. Ultrasounds, brain scans, MRI's and 5 specialists such as neurologist, rheumatologist, gastroenterologist, so much blood work.... and none could say for sure what the hell was happening to me. I developed edema so painful in my legs I had to have morphine every three hours and had to request assistance to use the toilet as I was a risk factor for falling being that I was weak and the tremors kept me from being stable. Four days minimum without food of any kind and only able to sip water in tiny amounts. Even things like chicken broth burned like acid and I could barely open my mouth to attempt to eat mashed potatoes when food was offered. The good news? The antibiotics I was being given over the ones I was allergic to were actually working. Little by little I was feeling better. Less shaking. Less pain. Less hallucinations. Better able to support myself walking and feeling that desire to just fucking get through this. As this whole time this is occurring, I am missing two weeks of work. No insurance, no paid days off, no reserve money, so much stress and heaviness... I had no choice but to get better and get out of there just to go back to work so I could survive.
I narrowly missed having a liver biopsy that I was scared to death to have, which now I wish I would have had because now I have to play the insurance game and not only get approved for insurance through the state but have a referral to a specialist to get this accomplished. I was released on the sixth day with liver enzyme levels being at 200. None could say for certain what was going on with my body but labeled as a 'post viral infection' with possible liver disease brought on by acetaminophen toxicity from the cold and flu meds I was pumping into myself. I lost 20 pounds in three weeks that not only can I not gain back but am slowly still losing more. I now only have pins and needles as a pain feeling in my legs and feet from the knees down. I have a constricted chest breathe that causes almost a level of panic from the pain I receive taking deep breaths or yawning. I develop edema in my legs from standing and I walk like a 70 year old woman because of the pain that is chronic. At times like walking with a charley horse. Sciatic pain that stops me cold with a sharp inhalation of my body saying "DON'T DO THAT MOVE THING" and I have lost over half of my hair. It literally slides off my body and I fear touching it for more loss. Every joint in my body a swollen pain center. Restless sleep that I get out of bed for just because I can't lay there in pain any more. Issues with regulating my body temperature and a noticeable loss of muscle mass.
I can't even take an Ibuprofen to calm my inflammation.
Major life changes are going to be happening. Are happening and I don't know exactly where I am going or what I will be doing but listening to my instincts is a definite. I feel like I awoke with a stronger sense of anti-bullshit tolerance. I am seeing people I thought were one way, in a totally different light. I am standing up for myself more and extending myself differently. I am less tolerant of being a convenience and I am so very much over being walked on. Again, scrolling through facebook memories, I am confronted with YEARS of being miserable with someone I assumed loved me and supported me and even seeing his comments of self righteousness and making me feel like I was the one to blame for not being enough, doing enough.... it makes me feel violent. So angry I was treated that way for so long. That not only I allowed it but allowed myself to be gas lighted. At work I am a new force to be reckoned with. I am not allowing people to take advantage of my good nature anymore. In social I am leaving behind those that are emotionally unavailable because I am so tired of extending patience to those that can't even respect themselves.
I'll be there should it be needed but I refuse to be taken for granted anymore.
I'm not ready to die and I would like to start living on MY terms for once instead of everyone else's.
At the beginning of this month I was, to quote at least one doctor, "in dying mode" and things have been different since.
Not like dramatic I'm-now-a-vegan-and-peace-be-with-you-saint, but more humble. More angry. More selfish. More empathetic. More chronic pain and exhaustion. Literally, more bitchy with a shorter temper. More thoughtful and more willing to ignore what I now deem a 'waste'.
When I was 21 my mother got a call from California that my father died. He was 47. I can count on one hand the times I remember spending with my dad but he was always a there/not there presence in my life as many non-participant fathers are in their daughters lives. Such a mystery to me the bonds I didn't grasp between dad and daughter. Like having a sibling that was mentally/physically handicapped, it was so foreign to me to try to understand what it was 'supposed' to be like to have average. Normal. I did know he drank. A lot. Drug use, likely. What I didn't understand at the time of his death was he was ONLY 47 and he had cirrhosis.
I was violently ill for a week at the beginning of this month and tried to work a couple of days which only kept me down further for exerting myself. No insurance and limited funds with a sense of "this too shall pass" kept me from visiting a doctor to rule out infection that was surely thriving under the 102.5 fever I rocked for four days. The fever passing, the chills abating I went about my life as usual until two days later when I was forced to admit I HAD to go to an urgent care that Saturday for the amount of blood that was in my urine, the exhaustion I was feeling, the fever that wouldn't go and the chills that wouldn't stop. Diagnosed with a urinary tract infection, that I really didn't think I had, I was given a prescription for antibiotics and sent on my way.
Antibiotics that I had a severe reaction to that I forgot about a few years prior.
Now normally I wouldn't forget something as severe as this but mind you, I had a fever for a week, little sleep, mentally I was breaking down, a lot of confusion.
I awoke on the following Monday and knew that with the onset of barely being able to walk, I had to drive myself to the emergency room. Before it was going to get worse.
I listed to triage my symptoms, the schedule of events as they had been happening, the medications I was taking, was prescribed and what I thought was going on. It was like being cross examined and at the same time finding my blood pressure was 70 over 80 causing the staff to wonder if the machine was broke or maybe check it for a fourth time. Admitted with remarks as "kidney trauma" due to the blood in my urine, possible gastrointestinal distress due to the chronic cramping stomach pain, vomiting and diarrhea I had been having and even had remarks made to me of 'withdrawal symptoms' as with using an array of unknown cold medicines and stomach medication, I had meth show in my toxicology screen. I cried instantly given how adamantly opposed I have always been about the drug itself and my mothers history with abusing it.
By the time I was being admitted my tremors were uncontrollable and almost seizure like, there were hallucinations and I could not walk on my own. My lymph nodes in my throat were so swollen I could barely swallow and anything that had any flavor burned like acid coated razor blades in my entire mouth. When I went to use the restroom, I had tears come for the pain that burned like nothing I had ever felt before just from urinating.
Umpteen bags of i.v. fluids and just as many bags of antibiotics would ensue over the next six days along with blood draws every two hours, making me drink this horrid potassium chloride every few hours (really wasn't that bad, it just was the burning and the pain with swallowing I found later). It was noticed I was developing jaundice with yellowing of the eyes and I was talked to about my liver enzymes being just over 500 while 'danger' zone levels begin at 200. Ultrasounds, brain scans, MRI's and 5 specialists such as neurologist, rheumatologist, gastroenterologist, so much blood work.... and none could say for sure what the hell was happening to me. I developed edema so painful in my legs I had to have morphine every three hours and had to request assistance to use the toilet as I was a risk factor for falling being that I was weak and the tremors kept me from being stable. Four days minimum without food of any kind and only able to sip water in tiny amounts. Even things like chicken broth burned like acid and I could barely open my mouth to attempt to eat mashed potatoes when food was offered. The good news? The antibiotics I was being given over the ones I was allergic to were actually working. Little by little I was feeling better. Less shaking. Less pain. Less hallucinations. Better able to support myself walking and feeling that desire to just fucking get through this. As this whole time this is occurring, I am missing two weeks of work. No insurance, no paid days off, no reserve money, so much stress and heaviness... I had no choice but to get better and get out of there just to go back to work so I could survive.
I narrowly missed having a liver biopsy that I was scared to death to have, which now I wish I would have had because now I have to play the insurance game and not only get approved for insurance through the state but have a referral to a specialist to get this accomplished. I was released on the sixth day with liver enzyme levels being at 200. None could say for certain what was going on with my body but labeled as a 'post viral infection' with possible liver disease brought on by acetaminophen toxicity from the cold and flu meds I was pumping into myself. I lost 20 pounds in three weeks that not only can I not gain back but am slowly still losing more. I now only have pins and needles as a pain feeling in my legs and feet from the knees down. I have a constricted chest breathe that causes almost a level of panic from the pain I receive taking deep breaths or yawning. I develop edema in my legs from standing and I walk like a 70 year old woman because of the pain that is chronic. At times like walking with a charley horse. Sciatic pain that stops me cold with a sharp inhalation of my body saying "DON'T DO THAT MOVE THING" and I have lost over half of my hair. It literally slides off my body and I fear touching it for more loss. Every joint in my body a swollen pain center. Restless sleep that I get out of bed for just because I can't lay there in pain any more. Issues with regulating my body temperature and a noticeable loss of muscle mass.
I can't even take an Ibuprofen to calm my inflammation.
Major life changes are going to be happening. Are happening and I don't know exactly where I am going or what I will be doing but listening to my instincts is a definite. I feel like I awoke with a stronger sense of anti-bullshit tolerance. I am seeing people I thought were one way, in a totally different light. I am standing up for myself more and extending myself differently. I am less tolerant of being a convenience and I am so very much over being walked on. Again, scrolling through facebook memories, I am confronted with YEARS of being miserable with someone I assumed loved me and supported me and even seeing his comments of self righteousness and making me feel like I was the one to blame for not being enough, doing enough.... it makes me feel violent. So angry I was treated that way for so long. That not only I allowed it but allowed myself to be gas lighted. At work I am a new force to be reckoned with. I am not allowing people to take advantage of my good nature anymore. In social I am leaving behind those that are emotionally unavailable because I am so tired of extending patience to those that can't even respect themselves.
I'll be there should it be needed but I refuse to be taken for granted anymore.
I'm not ready to die and I would like to start living on MY terms for once instead of everyone else's.
Friday, May 12, 2017
I've been given the scraps.
"No need to wait around for scraps that resemble affection from him."
I read this article this morning about emotionally unavailable people and there was this line that made me stop dead. One of those 'smack you in the face' epiphanies that is most certainly a "duh" moment but you but you had never FELT it before.
I know this is what I have been doing. I have been guilty of this for a long time and as expected, it hasn't gotten me far in emotional intimacy at all. So eager to just have a moment of recognition, willing to accept anything casually dropped to me as I sit at their feet patiently.
Like a good little submissive.
Going through the cycles of being desired and admired to being cut off completely almost instantaneously but being left a pat on the head as a reflection of what a good girl I am. The pat on the head that says "thank you for giving me what I needed." and for some reason this has spoken to me to mean "you will be rewarded with what you crave from me.... at some point."
I am a patient woman.
Clearly, to a fault of my own.
As I sit and smile and think about how I don't want to be an imposition. About how strong the feeling of rejection is and I would rather taste the moments of psuedo affection and caring over the cold door of dismissal. Because I've worked to come so far to recover from a lack of self confidence that it would be nice to find someone that also, thinks I'm an asset to their lives. To have that deep connection of touch that transcends physical that I miss and crave so much. Some are so clever to be able to provide that but its confusing to not have anything more that comes with it. It's eating without being able to taste. Drinking without satisfying the thirst.
I developed a crush and found trying to be satisfied with the little hits wasn't enough and like a mature woman, I realized at the end of the evenings, it was me hanging on a line the whole time. I wasn't known. I wasn't even paying attention to the fact that I don't answer questions about my own life because they weren't being asked. A giggle and a warm body were what I were. I wanted to be that though. I still do.
I want more for me.
I want more for me and I don't ask for it because I think somewhere deep down I am wanting this fairy tale of mutual attraction. Mutual attraction and I want us to be able to speak on it as an unspoken understanding.
You won't find that with the emotionally unavailable. No matter how much you think there is a strong mutual attraction. Because I'm wrong for thinking it was ever remotely mutual in the first place.
So I've set aside the feelings that tell me I should go after what I want. I've done enough to read the signs returned they shall not be pursued. I respect that and chalk it up to more likely, I just have let my cravings take over. It's not real. It's not special if the scraps you are being given, are also handed out so freely to others.
I deserve more. I want more.
I shouldn't have to go daily wondering when I already know the answer. False hope.
It's difficult letting go of a crush, because it was always a fantasy to begin with.
Eating scraps, however, is degrading.
I read this article this morning about emotionally unavailable people and there was this line that made me stop dead. One of those 'smack you in the face' epiphanies that is most certainly a "duh" moment but you but you had never FELT it before.
I know this is what I have been doing. I have been guilty of this for a long time and as expected, it hasn't gotten me far in emotional intimacy at all. So eager to just have a moment of recognition, willing to accept anything casually dropped to me as I sit at their feet patiently.
Like a good little submissive.
Going through the cycles of being desired and admired to being cut off completely almost instantaneously but being left a pat on the head as a reflection of what a good girl I am. The pat on the head that says "thank you for giving me what I needed." and for some reason this has spoken to me to mean "you will be rewarded with what you crave from me.... at some point."
I am a patient woman.
Clearly, to a fault of my own.
As I sit and smile and think about how I don't want to be an imposition. About how strong the feeling of rejection is and I would rather taste the moments of psuedo affection and caring over the cold door of dismissal. Because I've worked to come so far to recover from a lack of self confidence that it would be nice to find someone that also, thinks I'm an asset to their lives. To have that deep connection of touch that transcends physical that I miss and crave so much. Some are so clever to be able to provide that but its confusing to not have anything more that comes with it. It's eating without being able to taste. Drinking without satisfying the thirst.
I developed a crush and found trying to be satisfied with the little hits wasn't enough and like a mature woman, I realized at the end of the evenings, it was me hanging on a line the whole time. I wasn't known. I wasn't even paying attention to the fact that I don't answer questions about my own life because they weren't being asked. A giggle and a warm body were what I were. I wanted to be that though. I still do.
I want more for me.
I want more for me and I don't ask for it because I think somewhere deep down I am wanting this fairy tale of mutual attraction. Mutual attraction and I want us to be able to speak on it as an unspoken understanding.
You won't find that with the emotionally unavailable. No matter how much you think there is a strong mutual attraction. Because I'm wrong for thinking it was ever remotely mutual in the first place.
So I've set aside the feelings that tell me I should go after what I want. I've done enough to read the signs returned they shall not be pursued. I respect that and chalk it up to more likely, I just have let my cravings take over. It's not real. It's not special if the scraps you are being given, are also handed out so freely to others.
I deserve more. I want more.
I shouldn't have to go daily wondering when I already know the answer. False hope.
It's difficult letting go of a crush, because it was always a fantasy to begin with.
Eating scraps, however, is degrading.
Thursday, April 6, 2017
It's a good time, I am not however.
I hit a stride and then I kinda fell off.
I hit a stride in the dance of work/school/social that was fluid and productive without killing me and I got a little loose.
As in I had to have a minor surgery the week before spring break. It left me a muddle of a brain and I couldn't focus for anything so naturally I was going to catch up on everything and mostly likely get a head start on the next weeks whatevers because that is what over achievers do.
Clearly I just have delusions I am an over achiever...when I am not over achieving.
Back on track. Back in the saddle. There is work that can't be made up but I was sitting on nothing less than a B anyway so I was/am ok with the loss. Its not the end of the world.
Advisor : You're taking all these classes?
Me: yeah
Advisor : And you're passing?
Me : yeah?
Advisor : You work full time?
Me : yes
Advisor : kids?
Me : Yup. Two teens.
Advisor : And you're passing?
Me: Well I'm single, so I don't have a whole lot of other things going on.
I had a meeting with an advisor last week for my degree plan and if I just keep plugging along, pretty soon I'll be at University still plugging along.
This is how life works for people who grow up with out money or family and devote their lives to others in service. In a way, it's a form of me devoting service to myself finally and a reminder that we don't always get the things in life in the way that we want them. A feeling of gratefulness that I can and am progressing.
Phases come and go and one that repeatedly sticks it's nose in my business is the lonely factor. I get into my groove and I don't have time to stew about how I don't have anyone to share time with. No time to think about how it feels just to have a physical/mental connection. I don't think about the fact I get no attention from anyone. "See? Look Melissa. You don't even have room in your life to entertain someone."
I do something that in the past would have gotten me a scolding because its not the way HE wanted it and I think again, "See Melissa? You have everything how you like it. You do what you want, you have your schedule, you don't have to live in that cringe where you never know if you are in the wrong or not. Why try to find someone who is just gonna screw that up?"
And I hate that it has taken me this long to acknowledge that not everyone will be as demanding of me. I specifically had taken to avoiding dating for the simple fact that I feared after the gushy stage I would be catapulted into another pool of being wrong and not enough with verbal affirmation.
(My Facebook 'memories' are a rich source of flashbacks for being treated like shit.)
I'm not dating. I'm not specifically out there looking for someone. I refuse to do the online nonsense and I'm just flat out being told by the universe that even if I am attracted to someone, they won't be attracted back.
I'm slowly and courageously turning off anything in my head that says "Hey, you're making my ovaries do jumping jacks buddy, let's do something about that!"because even when I tried DESPERATELY to have some sort of bedroom gymnastics with someone for the pure fun of it?..... like it just won't happen.
It's not a viable option.
Not for me, of course.
Apparently I am just trying to sleep with people who are not attracted to me. Well two people. I attempted it twice in the past year. It's not like I'm waving things around. I'm picky and I like who I like, ok?)
Naturally this is a thing that is ego crushing.
So I'm over it. I'm over trying to find a partner bedroom wise and I'm wearing this super heavy parka of insecurity and doubt to keep me weighted down from floating to the surface to check out what else is about.
I'm aware that there is interest around me. I'm not dead. Just not in the mood or attracted or there are red flags or timing is just bad. I don't care if it's looked at as a self fulfilling prophecy, it's what I want now. ME. I've learned to re listen to my instincts and it's paying off like a jackpot. Being an empath doesn't help either, there are people that are just drawn to you because they either feed off of your loving caring or they want to suppress you. As in my experience, both. So I run and I don't entertain these people that cling to trying to find something that they think will bring them happiness or comfort. I'm not alive for that. I am not here to be your blankie in life. Other people are not alive for you to dictate how they love you while you hide behind a delusion of being the greatest ever.
I had a visitor about a week ago come into my work and surprise me. I called him Papa Gary for a bit in my life and it felt really nice to talk to him and see that he seemed to be doing well. It made me smile. He said I genuinely looked happy and he wanted me to tell my kids a message of love and potential for themselves. He almost looked humbled that I was doing so well. Like he didn't expect all of the successes I had listed for ourselves. He wanted me to pass on to my kids a message "Tell them there are still men in this world who don't abandon their families." to which I replied "There are still men in this world who are capable of loving more than themselves and don't have control issues too."
It absolutely got me thinking. Sometimes little things will happen and it can put me into a spin of anxiety or anger because of PTSD out of coming out of an abusive relationship but this was a calm understanding. There was this bubble of trying to figure out certain things of why the Good Christian was the way that he was. This bubble was floating all around me for years, just out of vision, just out of reach and when Papa Gary left, that bubble popped. I saw it clear as day. About being angry at your father's choices in life and how he has done. About resentment and control and selfishness. About trying to make the choices in your life you think your father should have done and making judgements about him for not making the decisions you think he should. It's bitching about how they don't do for you when you haven't don't shit for them. It's an asshole who walks away from his parents because he doesn't want to deal with their mental health that doesn't even really affect him anymore.
I am able to look at it now clearly and see it in black and white. It just makes me shake my head...
Kids. Work. School. Home. Me.
It's a good time to be alone and single.
It's a bad time to try to feel like a sexual creature.
Which I think is a shame cause I look DAMN fine at this point..... taking care of myself with loving myself and all.....
I hit a stride in the dance of work/school/social that was fluid and productive without killing me and I got a little loose.
As in I had to have a minor surgery the week before spring break. It left me a muddle of a brain and I couldn't focus for anything so naturally I was going to catch up on everything and mostly likely get a head start on the next weeks whatevers because that is what over achievers do.
Clearly I just have delusions I am an over achiever...when I am not over achieving.
Back on track. Back in the saddle. There is work that can't be made up but I was sitting on nothing less than a B anyway so I was/am ok with the loss. Its not the end of the world.
Advisor : You're taking all these classes?
Me: yeah
Advisor : And you're passing?
Me : yeah?
Advisor : You work full time?
Me : yes
Advisor : kids?
Me : Yup. Two teens.
Advisor : And you're passing?
Me: Well I'm single, so I don't have a whole lot of other things going on.
I had a meeting with an advisor last week for my degree plan and if I just keep plugging along, pretty soon I'll be at University still plugging along.
This is how life works for people who grow up with out money or family and devote their lives to others in service. In a way, it's a form of me devoting service to myself finally and a reminder that we don't always get the things in life in the way that we want them. A feeling of gratefulness that I can and am progressing.
Phases come and go and one that repeatedly sticks it's nose in my business is the lonely factor. I get into my groove and I don't have time to stew about how I don't have anyone to share time with. No time to think about how it feels just to have a physical/mental connection. I don't think about the fact I get no attention from anyone. "See? Look Melissa. You don't even have room in your life to entertain someone."
I do something that in the past would have gotten me a scolding because its not the way HE wanted it and I think again, "See Melissa? You have everything how you like it. You do what you want, you have your schedule, you don't have to live in that cringe where you never know if you are in the wrong or not. Why try to find someone who is just gonna screw that up?"
And I hate that it has taken me this long to acknowledge that not everyone will be as demanding of me. I specifically had taken to avoiding dating for the simple fact that I feared after the gushy stage I would be catapulted into another pool of being wrong and not enough with verbal affirmation.
(My Facebook 'memories' are a rich source of flashbacks for being treated like shit.)
I'm not dating. I'm not specifically out there looking for someone. I refuse to do the online nonsense and I'm just flat out being told by the universe that even if I am attracted to someone, they won't be attracted back.
I'm slowly and courageously turning off anything in my head that says "Hey, you're making my ovaries do jumping jacks buddy, let's do something about that!"because even when I tried DESPERATELY to have some sort of bedroom gymnastics with someone for the pure fun of it?..... like it just won't happen.
It's not a viable option.
Not for me, of course.
Apparently I am just trying to sleep with people who are not attracted to me. Well two people. I attempted it twice in the past year. It's not like I'm waving things around. I'm picky and I like who I like, ok?)
Naturally this is a thing that is ego crushing.
So I'm over it. I'm over trying to find a partner bedroom wise and I'm wearing this super heavy parka of insecurity and doubt to keep me weighted down from floating to the surface to check out what else is about.
I'm aware that there is interest around me. I'm not dead. Just not in the mood or attracted or there are red flags or timing is just bad. I don't care if it's looked at as a self fulfilling prophecy, it's what I want now. ME. I've learned to re listen to my instincts and it's paying off like a jackpot. Being an empath doesn't help either, there are people that are just drawn to you because they either feed off of your loving caring or they want to suppress you. As in my experience, both. So I run and I don't entertain these people that cling to trying to find something that they think will bring them happiness or comfort. I'm not alive for that. I am not here to be your blankie in life. Other people are not alive for you to dictate how they love you while you hide behind a delusion of being the greatest ever.
I had a visitor about a week ago come into my work and surprise me. I called him Papa Gary for a bit in my life and it felt really nice to talk to him and see that he seemed to be doing well. It made me smile. He said I genuinely looked happy and he wanted me to tell my kids a message of love and potential for themselves. He almost looked humbled that I was doing so well. Like he didn't expect all of the successes I had listed for ourselves. He wanted me to pass on to my kids a message "Tell them there are still men in this world who don't abandon their families." to which I replied "There are still men in this world who are capable of loving more than themselves and don't have control issues too."
It absolutely got me thinking. Sometimes little things will happen and it can put me into a spin of anxiety or anger because of PTSD out of coming out of an abusive relationship but this was a calm understanding. There was this bubble of trying to figure out certain things of why the Good Christian was the way that he was. This bubble was floating all around me for years, just out of vision, just out of reach and when Papa Gary left, that bubble popped. I saw it clear as day. About being angry at your father's choices in life and how he has done. About resentment and control and selfishness. About trying to make the choices in your life you think your father should have done and making judgements about him for not making the decisions you think he should. It's bitching about how they don't do for you when you haven't don't shit for them. It's an asshole who walks away from his parents because he doesn't want to deal with their mental health that doesn't even really affect him anymore.
I am able to look at it now clearly and see it in black and white. It just makes me shake my head...
Kids. Work. School. Home. Me.
It's a good time to be alone and single.
It's a bad time to try to feel like a sexual creature.
Which I think is a shame cause I look DAMN fine at this point..... taking care of myself with loving myself and all.....
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