What did you lose?

I recently read part of a quote that said “don’t allow your emotions to overpower your intelligence.” And I have been trying like mad to make this my mantra.
I have battled against my emotions and actions for as long as I can remember and while I have gotten better for the most part, there are still plenty of times where I walk away from something even more furious, embarrassed or completely ashamed of how I allowed my behavior to take over.

The past few weeks have been a downward spiral of depression and self hate.  Of course it all has to do with the narcissist.
The last evening we went out, we had a nice time, he began the evening by venting about his mother, how much he hated her, how much of a shit show she is.  His brother asked him to help out with a living arrangement for her and he was flabberghasted that this would even be asked of him.  So he vented, vented to another friend, we watched the hockey game and no one became too drunk or obnoxious.
The MINUTE we step into his house, I let the dogs out, I open a beer and we start chatting about the evening.  All of a sudden, he tells me how he was just telling his brother the other day how much I was like his mother and how he hated that.  Hated every aspect of who I was and how I presented myself.
At this point I have completely shut down.  I am gathering my things, leashing up my dog and taking my leave.  I can barely see straight, I am so angry and confused.  I feel completely insulted and it came from out of nowhere.
I get home, try to call so I can ask in a non hostile manner why he did this.  He refuses to answer.  He sends a rude text.
I made a visit to the vodka bottle and reconcile with my passion trying to wrap my head around the question of ‘what. the. Fuck. ‘
This did not go well.
I spit out many emails railing on and on about how two faced and an asshole he is.  How his double standards are bullshit.  I hate that he lied to me. That he lied about me.  That he embarrassed me and made me look like a fool all in the name of him trying to make himself look good.  I know full well he leaves out the part of the story where he was insulting me or being a drunk asshole.

Two days later I get the text of his penis, and a message saying I should come suck it.  I can’t believe he would stoop to this, knowing full well what was going on between us.  How he told me he was cutting me out of his life completely for a few days so I can ‘calm the fuck down’.  I voice my opinion on how tasteless this is, and I am apologizing left and right for my drunken outburst.  He offers no apologies what so ever.  He is still so very upset that a week and a half before, we went out drinking and he began insulting me or as he said “making fun of you”.  I got drunk and told him I was upset because we didn’t have a good sex life.  I remember telling him “just because you have a big dick, doesn’t mean you know how to have sex” which was a stupid meme I saw.  The past four times we did have sex, it was me instigating it, him being done in under two minutes and he did not even care if I enjoyed myself with him at all.
I knew I should have picked a better time and a better way to bring this up, but when I am told I am not supposed to ask for sex, I have to seduce him, and then two weeks later, I am told the reason we don’t have sex more is because I don’t initiate it, it can be a little confusing.

I was angry.  I wanted him to hurt as much as I was.
I saw what was happening for the past couple weeks.  How he couldn’t bother to respond to my texts but couldn’t respond back to others fast enough.  Hiding the phone constantly, even to go pee.  Hiding things from me. Lying to me.  I guess men don’t think we see through the bullshit, but its instinctual.  He was garnering and giving attention to someone new because I wasn’t enough for him. All the while saying “i love you”. Asking me to help take care of his dog (which i later found out through him bragging to others, it was literally so he could go out drinking.).
When I responded unfavorably to the invitation to suck his dick, that I was hoping for a meaningful conversation about what was going on, because I was calling him out on his bullshit, and he didn’t like it, I was told “I don’t know what to say.  The only thing I can offer you at this point is a hate fuck”.
I threatened him that I would tell his ‘interest’ all about him, and what an asshole he was and his reply told me all I needed to know.
 He was pissed off that I would do that to him.
Not that there wasn’t anyone else, but that I better not.

I immediately went to my facebook page and deleted everyone that we were mutual friends with and deactivated my account for two weeks so I could process some hurt and not be accused of dragging his name through bullshit.

Last week he texted me out of the blue to ask me to take his dog because he couldn’t handle him anymore.
I was as polite as I could be and I told him that I didn’t appreciate him coming to me for this. That I knew he understood why I can’t help him.

This has all been phenomenally difficult for me.
It has been straight I up grieving, painful and ridiculous all around.
The first weekend in, I found myself in the bottom of a few bottles of vodka and I knew I couldn’t continue in that manner.  My self destruct mode was more than I could handle.

I couldn’t stop playing things back in my head.  How he accused me of not wanting him to be happy. When I pointed out all that I did, because I cared for him, thought of him in a loving way and supported him BECAUSE I wanted to see him happy and that was important to me, he told me I only did anything because I was ‘selfish and only trying to get him to love me.”

If someone else did something against him, or obnoxious when drinking it was deemed “endearing” or “funny”. I was held to a double standard where if I did it, it was unforgivable and I was a piece of shit.  He could get angry at me, insult me and put me down but if I stood up for myself, because Jesus Christ, I’m not going to allow myself to be treated like shit, it was grounds for never seeing me again.

This man who wanted nothing more than to talk about how awesome he is the whole night.  Tell everyone in the bar how amazing he was.  Listened to him and his friends talk constantly about the “glory days” when he sold coke and there were parties and strippers and booze everywhere.  This man who talked shit about me in his drunken sleep and talked of other women.  Who never complimented me. Who never felt the need to make me feel special but if I ignored him, all hell would break loose.  Who, when he wasn’t regaling everyone with how wonderful he was, was on his phone, texting and chatting to others.  I would only get an apology for ‘ignoring’ me if it was work related.  I never asked what was going on, but if I had a conversation on my phone in front of him, he was very quick to lean over and see who and what was going on.  

I always made so many excuses for him in my mind as to why he behaved this way.  It had to have been because he was from a broken home.  He clearly didn’t understand how to express love and respect.  He liked to brag to everyone else about the great things he did for his ex’s all the while I am sitting there, just coming off of a week of fighting because it was my birthday, a holiday, an anniversary and he would blatantly pick fights with me. I always expected it.  I figured maybe he was just one of those guys that doesn’t show their feelings. I was ok with that.  He didn’t know how to communicate, I worked with that.  I never expected anything from him and I never asked anything.  I learned a long time ago, I couldn’t even go to him to talk to if I had a bad day.  Me telling him I had a rough day led to him literally texting back and saying “ok, well, have a good night then.”  I voiced that this hurt, that I listened to him talk about his problems Every Fucking Day.  He said he didn’t want to hear mine, that I was probably just “bitching about what I always bitch about.”
He jumps through hoops to help other people that treat him like shit and use him.  Or if they have something of value he can use from them.  I told him I didn’t appreciate him being treated like shit and he agreed with me.  Then two days later, I am a ‘fucking bitch’ because I tell him his friends treat him like shit.

I kept making excuses. I kept believing him when he said certain things.  I had this feeling that there was more to him than he was showing.  I was willing to compromise all the time for his ego.  I gave him time, attention, support and more.
So to find out that he really is this monster, this person who literally does not give a shit about me and never has, was a hammer to the head.  There is no fucking way I could have done this for two years.  Looked up to him, wanted him in my life. Became completely vulnerable to someone who had no intention of reciprocating anything in a relationship.

Nothing.

How the hell could I have kept forgiving him for what he had done, why did I believe he was going to ever change?  To respect me?  To be proud of me and happy for me?  Why did only ‘hope’ keep me devaluing myself and allowing him to tell me I was worthless? Why did I fucking believe it?

I was forced to ask myself, why does this hurt so bad?  What exactly am I losing in this relationship? Where he talks bad about me, lies about me, to me.  Hides things because “I knew you’d use it against me” (then why participate in behavior you know is going to hurt someone who loves you???)

I lost my best friend.
And he wasn’t even a very good friend.
I lost someone to hang out with that was fun and even he managed to sabotage that plenty of times.  He talked of how I “just went crazy for no reason” which is a total and complete lie.  Why the hell would I just go off without being provoked?  Why can’t he admit of his faults?  I have always owned my shit.  I have many regrets.  I worked on changing my behavior and worked on making a relationship a success which was pointless considering, I was never valued in the first place but he allowed me to think I was.
I am angry. I am disappointed.  I am ashamed.  Angry at him because this is a terrible way to treat people.  He mistook my kindness for weakness. I am angry more at myself because I couldn’t just walk away from being treated like shit.  I had to fight for myself and stand up for myself, which again, pointless because I didn’t matter.

I am very well aware of this being completely my fault in that I allowed it to continue.  I am ashamed to have ever dated this “man”. I feel as if I have wasted two years of my life doing my best when it wasn’t valued.  I wish I had the strength and lack of empathy to have walked away a long time ago when I first did and he said later, “yeah, I don’t know why we stopped talking then.....”
Well I did.  I should not have thought he would be any different for having watched me walk away once.

I allowed myself to believe I wasn’t enough and too much from someone who wouldn’t piss on me if I were on fire because it didn’t benefit him.

I think I assumed after dealing with one narcissist, I would be able to emotionally handle another.  Like I was prepared.  That I had to believe the end result was going to be worth the sacrifice.

And I only ended up breaking my own heart.
It fucking hurts.