Deaths

 “Think of your biggest mistake.  Be grateful you will never make it again.”

Several months ago, I thought I saw my last mistake at the gas station by my home.  I didn’t look back, I didn’t turn to verify, I just said the word “NO” and kept on.  A very close friend had died recently so later that afternoon I received the text from Mistake saying he was sorry for my loss.

I let him know that during my time of grief, the last thing I needed was to hear from someone who treated me like shit and who reminded me of how low my life decisions had come to with him.  I was not appreciative and he rebuttals with his blah, the conversation ending with him saying he never lied to me and I said “yeah you did boy, many times”. 

So this is just an emotional shit storm because I had been doing soooo good.  My depression was clearing out, I was happy, feeling good and then I am hit with the idea that even in MY neighborhood, that he normally would NEVER EVER go into, he would be there. Anywhere. Anytime.  It pissed me off and it made me have major anxiety. 

My karma caught up with me almost instantaneously when a couple days later I am told by my friend, his sister in law, that his mom passed a few months ago unexpectedly.  So I humbly sent the text I knew would be ignored, saying I realize I looked like a fucking lunatic but I was truly sorry about the loss.  

I had no issues with her, he did not love her.  He hated her.  This woman is the very reason The Mistake is the way he is today because she did not love or care for her children in a motherly way, AT ALL.  So needless to say I always fully knew Mistake had mother issues, deep ones.  We talked at length and drunkenly about the topic, many times. 

I do not expect to ever hear from him again as I have blocked his number.  Something I should have done two years ago instead of trying to believe there was something more to a legitimate psychopath.

A few weeks go by and my son sends a text saying he saw the Good Christian at his work.  To which my daughter replies to the group with a “well, never going there again”.  Which I fully, immediately related to. It being a grocery store in our immediate neighborhood.  I tell the son if he ever happens to ask about us, you just say “no thanks”.  I was informed he was also there the next day and that he actually goes there quite frequently.

I immediately had a couple flashbacks.  When we had first met, when I shopped, I didn’t really buy meals for the whole week.  I mostly would stop by the store on the way home and the kids and I cooked what we wanted, when we wanted.  It was drilled into me by the Good Christian when we moved in together, that he “wasn’t going to live that way” and we had to meal plan and shop weekly because he needed to make lunches to take and whatever.

So this fell to me to meal plan and shop for a blended family of 6 trying to incorporate everyone’s choices on a shoestring budget. These meal demands eventually over the years came to a point where I was literally yelled at and he threw a FIT because he would have meat at EVERY meal (I served a vegetarian dinner) and then later it was demanded he have his dinner by 5 pm every night because that was HIS schedule.  

There would come these phases where he would insert himself into the process, pretty much as a total take over of the operation and I would spend one week under his dictation of food and preparation.  One week because we would go to the grocery store, he would get physically angry and upset, lecturing me about how I loaded the grocery cart wrong as we were shopping and decide the process took too much out of him and he wasn’t going to participate anymore.

Having these memories flashback on me from years ago, is painful and depressing.  I know for a fact I had another flashback during this recollection period that I had blocked out.  It was him literally screaming in my face.  It sets in place a domino effect of recollections and events that make me realize how weak and stupid of a woman I was for so very long.  How I could physically and emotionally watch myself crumble over the years into something that was not recognizable as me.  I had developed legitimate health problems because of his abuse.  I had to rely on mood stabilizing medication because I was ALWAYS DOING THE WRONG THING.  Constant criticism, becoming worse and bolder over the years.  I saw instantly when I decided to stand up for myself, his hatred of me come to a full boil.  He was unhappy with this woman he demanded her to be in how she led her life and thought her thoughts and now he decides I’m not what he ”wanted” me to be? 

I did a quick google search because I do not want to know anything more than I have to about this asshole, but I want to know why he is in my neighborhood when I was very happy under the impression he was over an hour away with his super wilderness woman who loved and worshipped him.

Apparently that went to shit and he has been living in my area the past yearish while I’ve been nestled in for five.  

It pisses me off and for awhile it made my anxiety run amok every time I left the house.  But i was reminded if its been this long and I haven’t run into him yet, there’s a good chance I won’t. 

I don’t want ANY fucking chances.  

I fucking hate him. 

The intensity of the constant fear and anguish has died down, which is why I finally felt it was time to get some writing done and out.

Especially because I had a dream last night that The Mistake had died, and it felt like a relief to me.  

I often had tried that theory of just pretending someone was dead and you could ignore or move past trauma that way but I can’t fool me.  It was never going to be a thing.  The dream wasn’t graphic, it was very matter of fact, he was dead, I was in his apartment which oddly had WAYYY more light in it than normally would, and I was like “ok”.  Just let it set in.  My brain went to the trying-to-fool-yourself idea again but instinctively it went back to being ok.  So thats not a normal feeling.  It was a good feeling.  A healthy feeling. 

I’m supposed to forgive myself for making the bad decisions of staying with someone who used me and gave nothing back, for not thinking better of myself and assuming I deserved that somehow.  And I think I do, not really, but I remind myself all the time that that is what I have to do.  The dream didn’t resolve that but for some reason, the notice of death put a calm over that time period,  I can’t explain why the weight feels lighter.  

I live my life pretty much how I want right now.  I go where I want, I eat what I want, when I want.  Work is successful and while I worry about my future and still need to come up with a plan for a career change, my health is great, my finances are within normal ranges, I buy what I want....  I really cannot complain about anything.  Life has been pretty awesome.  I am lonely as hell, and I haven’t dated since over several months ago and I had a terrible date with what I can only describe as a “wet paper towel of a man”.  It was just simply fucking ridiculous and I actually felt angry the asshole wasted my time and knowingly so being that he had literally NO interests, NO hobbies, NOTHING to talk about.  I got tired of leading the conversation, watching him hamster sip his vodka cranberry (he held with both hands), that I watched the clock go by a full two minutes before he said “so, uh, you live in an apartment?”

I had to physically turn my body away from him and put my arm up on the bar as a barrier because he kept poking his knee into me.  Blowing his vape smoke at me.  We were to meet at 7 at the bar, I was inside waiting when I checked my phone at 7:20 to find he messaged at 7 to say he was here.  I said “you’re waiting in the parking lot? For over 20 minutes?”

Yeah, I was pissed off.  I made an attempt to at least have a night out, maybe of interesting conversation (prior dates both went on in great detail about their depression issues on our first and only dates), and the universe gave me THAT.  I deleted all dating apps and said “never again”.  

So I made an attempt to flirt in real life.  Pretty openly and obviously only to find out with one, I wasn’t even on the radar  and the other also, just no interest.  

It makes me uncomfortable to have my friends say “you’re so beautiful, you’re the best chick, blah blah blah, don’t know why guys aren’t interested in you....”

Well, I don’t know either and I guess I can be ok, with NOT being with yet another asshole, I don’t have anyone to share anything with.

The other day I was curious and tried mentally fantasizing about being physically close to an attractive man I saw.  Maybe kissing him.  The thought of it seemed so foreign to me, you may have asked me to start building a bookshelf right then and there.  I couldn’t see it.  It made me physically uncomfortable to be that physically close to someone.  To be so intimate.  So that made me cry..... 

I’m in this arena where I am constantly alone and I am viewing everyone else’s relationships.  Watching one leave an 11 year one to just walk gracefully directly into a new relationship in a matter of months. 

I can’t have a conversation with a man that at some point doesn’t involve him saying “I was testing you” on some stupid fucking idealistic topic.  FOR FUCKS SAKE.

*sigh*

Healing is happening, I was in a very dark, very bad place for awhile.  The stress and constant change in the world itself at this time has been chaotic at best and I am coping with that on a “it is what it is, be safe” basis.  I’m still figuring out what I want for the future but treading knowing I can’t really make plans because we rarely end up where we thought we would be anyway. 

Forgiveness

I started crying today.  I fought it.  

Fighting it,  I don’t want it to be here.  

I’m cooped up in a snow bound house for day two and likely will be here tomorrow with my thoughts and while yeah, I’m used to spending a lot of time alone, I’ve been watching this show about young women.  Young women who are struggling to get their shit together and grow up in the big city.  How they navigate relationships and change and love and truth...

None are very relatable to me as half have the support of money, family or partner and the others are those wild free spirits who no matter crawling through a field of cow shit, come out smelling like vanilla and daisies.  The men they are with are just typically awful, and one is definitely a conglomeration of every single asshole I was ever with.  It makes me cringe with embarrassment and deep shame.

But as I’m watching and becoming emotionally invested in these girls, absolutely judging risqué behavior, it dawns on me that i am also jealous.  Which is pretty stupid.  

What gets me, every time, is they show the boy showing up for her.  They show the man riding up on the white horse coming to make the poor lost little one feel safe and secure.  They can be an atrocious mess and even they know the value of what love means in their life and are WILLING to show up for her.  

I am still holding on to a lot of anger.  A lot.  I know this.  I heard something the other day about forgiveness is not wanting bad things for someone anymore after you’ve been hurt by them and it struck a chord in me. Not as an epiphany of forgiveness and how I need to let go of my anger because its really hurting me and blah blah blah.  

I instantly had the thought in my head, “I am not done.  I am not done being mad.  I am angry and upset and i have been hurt and I am not done being angry and bitter.” My journey this far has been to tell myself its ok to hurt and feel pain.  To cry and be sad or angry.  I have those rights to feel that way and I should. I need to. As if it were a cleansing aspect.  So I have allowed myself this instead of shoving everything deep down, calling myself ‘over emotional’ and assuming its not healthy.  

So I was driving home the other night.  I worked a very long day and while I was in a good mood, I was tired.  I had been imagining what it would be like to come home to someone who would do as I would for them and I was just going home to take care of the animals and myself as usual.  It made me feel emotional and my thoughts wandered to (who I am now going to refer to as the asshole), and remembering I didn’t have that with him.  Remembering that when I ever told him I was having a bad day, his response was to ignore me or to say “well try to have a good night with that.” And when I voiced I needed him to be there for me, I was treated to a fight where he would turn everything around to be my fault.  I spend a lot of time having thoughts enter my head of memories of him and what a fucking asshole he was to me.  How shitty he treated me.  How he really absolutely did not give a single fuck about me at all.  I acknowledge this is all on me. Totally.  I allowed this to continue for so long, I made the excuses and I turned a blind eye hoping and praying there was something more underneath.  

And there wasn’t. 

Ever since this ended, ever since I had to read the words “I wouldn’t even have a hate fuck for you right now” on my phone from him, I have wished for bad things to happen to him.  I didn’t even do this when the good Christian disposed of me.  That was a situation where he yelled at me and molded me to being someone else by giving alternatives and then told me I wasn’t what he wanted.  This with the asshole, was just him saying I wasn’t enough for him ever at all and he was not willing to give me back anything but he felt I had to be there for him whenever HE chose.  While I know the blame lies on me for staying, it doesn’t give him the right to be an asshole to me.  So in all truth and honesty and standing naked in front of anyone, I have wished for something bad to happen to him.  Not out of my imagination mind you, i don’t obsess about ways he should suffer.  Just, if i hear about a bad accident, my literal first thought is “i hope he’s in that.”  I don’t wish death, I don’t know what I want.  I would never know and it wouldn’t make any difference in my life but for some reason, this is what my brain thinks of first.  It’s very automatic.  I literally can’t help it.  

So I wonder. I wonder when I will be able to forgive and I wonder who I am needing to forgive.  Because I tell myself all the time, even though I allowed this to happen, to continue, to not listen to my instinct, I have to forgive myself. I have to know I did everything with an open heart and I really really really thought there was more to him.  Not even for my benefit, but for his own.  

I don’t forgive him at all and I am having a lot of trouble forgiving myself apparently.  I am not ready to forgive.  I still have a lot of pain and anger and I honestly wish it would just go away.  

So I’m overwhelmed watching this train wreck of a man come to the aid of this flailing woman having an emotional crises and I just start bawling.  I make it stop distract myself and roll my eyes at me.  “Carry on, were not doing this today” style and it won’t go away.  So I gotta say, ‘it’s ok to cry, its ok to feel pain and hurt’ but god damn.  I don’t want to.  

I’m so sick of feeling like this huge failure. I am sick of feeling like I am the one who is unlovable here.  I’m sick of wondering what the fuck is wrong with me when I know there isn’t anything wrong.  I’m so sick of having shitty thoughts in my head all the time of good memories that are followed by “the oh yeah and then he did that bullshit” memories. Somewhere deep down inside I have to be wishing bad things to happen to him only because I want him to feel as much pain.  I want him to be fucked up mentally and emotionally, probably physically too since I acknowledge he does not have normal human emotions, and that maybe it would feel better for me.  

I don’t want to go into another abyss in my life full of self destruction but a distraction is needed and I just want him erased.  

I feel he literally was the worst decision in my life to ever be involved with him.  

I should have known better. 

Cougar attacked

It felt amazing to have the smell of another man on my skin.  To be told how beautiful he thought I was and to have felt his hands touching me.  To be told how incredible I felt and kissed with that kind of passion that comes with no holding back.  There were generous smiles and tender touches to match a force of want and power.  The laughter of a silly miss and asking if there was more needed to what was being given freely.

I deserved it and it reminded me of my cherished sexuality.

He won’t see this, but this is for me.

Thank you so much for making me feel desired.

Drunk texts

He drunk texted last weekend to say he missed me and to wonder what happened to “us”.

When I received this message, I sat on my bed shaking for 20 minutes for the literal reason of my adrenaline was rushing like crazy.  Uncontrollable shaking.

I responded to remind him he was drunk.  To remind him he only misses the attention he got from me and to remind him he didn’t even treat me as nice as he treated friends which was really fucking shitty of him.  I told him every time I think of him, I remind myself that he’s a piece of shit and I deserve better.
I have always deserved better.

Ever since then I have had that knot in my throat that is either holding back that painful sob or the beginning of an emotional cry-fest.  I keep fighting it and work distraction and I feel its coming to a point.  And I know I should allow it, I have to feel my feelings to get through them but I don’t want to revisit yet again how hurtful and painful this has been after I’ve been doing so well.

I’m so angry still and I’m only just now starting to find that confidence I lost and began to feel I might be a little attractive and then he has to pop up and remind me what a fucking idiot I was and re-iterate that feeling of epic loneliness I get to have.
And I haven’t got anyone to talk to about what I’m feeling and it sucks.

Twilight

I’ve recently been part of a conversation on forgiveness and it has my mind kind of rolling around.  What it means to me, how I am affected by it.  Mostly I think because I am still seeking some sort of epiphany that will free me up from this ugliness that came into my life.  

I can start my day with a positive frame of mind for the most part now.  There have been a few mornings I have woken up and had the fog of disappointment or rage or sadness overwhelm me and it is tough to get out from under that oppressive feeling.  Most days I can get through without feeling the weight of emotion barreling down on me with a force that makes me feel I have to do something about it immediately.  I can’t help these random thoughts that pop into my head through the day.  I am reminded of something, and it makes my stomach sick and my throat close up while I work on telling myself I can cry in private later.  

I spent so long caring for someone, hoping they were having a good day, wanting to share something with them, making plans for the future that it had just become a part of me to always have that in the back of my mind.  Now I feel so much more hardened as I have to force myself to take a step back when I am feeling upset to remind myself he wasn’t worth shit.  

He gave nothing.  

He offered empty promises and lied.  

Lied to my face.  

I sit there and see the evolution of how much worse he became while I stayed there only becoming concerned with how I could make things better while he was constantly sabotaging everything with not a single care for me.  

This runs the gamut of feeling a deep sorrow and loss for the times that WERE happy, only to become infuriated to realize it was all fake anyway because he never did love.  Never did care.  Only cared that he had his attention when he wanted, on his terms.  

And that hurts.  I can’t wrap my head around how someone can do that.  How someone can be so mean can walk away acting like they are they victim when I only stood up for myself against being bullied.  When I never should have been bullied in the first place.  

I have been mentally keeping focus on me.  I have been thinking about what I want for myself.  I try to imagine the partner I want in my life and how a loving, giving relationship should be.  I have been keeping my future in mind as I need new goals to work for.  Something to look forward to and its all slow going for this impatient heart to heal.  

I came across a picture deep in my files that I failed to delete and it instantly made my stomach cramp up, my throat close and tunnel vision fighting tears and anger.  Such a stupid trigger.  

Seeing his name makes me cringe and even a song played on the radio can make me feel nauseated.  So many different emotions still well up within me, not that they aren’t resolved feelings, they are just raw and hurt.  Open wounds. So I remember my value.  I remind myself I am NOT disposable nor is it acceptable to be used by any means for someone else’s selfish notions.   My pain is just as valuable to me as my love is and I will not deny this of myself.  

I forgive a lot.  More than I should. To a fault.  Then lines are crossed that never should have been crossed and I reach a point where forgiveness is not an option.  I am well aware forgiving does not mean you still have them in your life.  Many people will tell you, forgiveness isn’t for them, its for you.  I don’t see that.  I have given those opportunities.  I was told my forgiveness meant nothing because I continued to allow myself to be treated like shit.  So I have to forgive myself.  

I cannot accept that someone was terrible to me, it wasn’t my fault they behaved that way.  I may forgive certain things but the things I do not forgive, will stay that way.  I will keep that in my heart and not let go because it is a part of me.  I don’t carry it around like pain or bitterness after time passes, but I have to acknowledge it happened.  It happened and it wasn’t kind or loving or coming from someone who is capable of love.  I only wish I hadn’t extended myself so much for that pain.  I regret so much.  This time around I didn’t give up who I was, I just gave too much of myself. 

I am eager to get on with things on an emotional front.  I wish it were as easy to just say “fuck it” and walk away but I can’t. I feel like I need to resolve things for myself. I need to find out why I did this, how it happened so it doesn’t repeat again.  

I fantasize about meeting someone and it is charged with an energy I once felt.  An attraction so strong it makes you feel like your walking on air.  Someone you look forward to seeing and sharing time with who is just as excited about me.  And I fear this is a distraction.  I need to get back out there, because that is what I do want, I want to have love in my life and I want to share things with someone special.  I want to laugh and talk and communicate, be there for someone who needs it while I know they will be there for me as well.  I have been craving physical connection so bad, I absolutely teared up watching a love scene the other day.  I have been keeping myself away from people because I feel clingy.  I want to go out and find a physical distraction if only to remind myself that I am a woman with sexual desires and needs.  Then the negative thought pops in, what if that one as well, acts like he does not care if you are sexually satisfied?  That you feel attractive or wanted?  and I am scared to even pursue anything even superficial. 

I have men chasing me that I have no interest in dating and it pisses me off that they can’t just be platonic.  Some even throw little temper tantrums and get bent out of shape and I just do NOT have room for that petty shitty behavior in my life right now.  

I am dabbling in dating however finally, if only to have a bit of entertainment.  It’s pretty much the same as its always been. Just because I am more aware of what I don’t want certainly didn’t clear those attributes from men out of my life.  I am becoming comfortable again with who I am,  how attractive I feel and knowing I have value and worth.  My ego has taken a huge hit and its been confusing to say the least trying to differentiate between who I am and the toxic person he brought out of me.  Second guessing myself is slowing down and while I realize it was so very wrong of me to not listen to my instinct two years ago, I am practicing doing so again with faith in myself.  Learning to accept compliments I never received and craved from him. 

You know, I do hope he finds love.  I hope maybe someday he is capable of realizing what that is and how to show it.  I hope he falls head over heels for someone deeply and cares about them terribly.  I also hope she treats him exactly as he treated me.  I hope he can learn one day what it means to have feelings because its important.  Love is important.  Unconditional love given is a rare gift and should be honored and if anything, at least respected.  

So as I walk this twilight time and take in everything around me, reflect on what has happened and where I am to go next, I am beginning to feel more hopeful and I really like that feeling.  I forgot how much I missed that.  Spending so long being worried about someone else had taken hope from me.  

In the meantime before I find myself in the next relationship in my life, I absolutely cannot fucking wait to get the taste of him out of my mouth and the smell of him out of my skin.   

Uncomfortable Truths

I have been almost to the point of obsessing the question of “why did I stay so long and fight for a relationship where I KNEW I was not being treated right.”  I came across a lot of articles and examples of dysfunctional relationships between narcissists and empathics.  I knew there had to be something to my other question, “why am I always in relationships with narcissists?” 

Then I found an article that sent me down a rabbit hole of self identification and  realization.  All day today I have had this on my mind and been pretty much on the verge of tears because of so many reasons surrounding it.  

“Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.”

I can’t even begin to start on how this is hitting me.  So many things where I have seen myself as a certain way, has been turned on its head and I am viewing myself from a completely different light.  

-This is a learned behavior usually stemming from someone in the family who has addiction problems or physical disabilities.  

  So on this end, I had a mother who was not only addicted to opiates and speed but had physical disabilities that continued to worsen through her life.  I was also raised with an older brother who had mental and physical retardation.  I don’t know of any other way to be than to put others needs before my own.  Let’s throw in a ‘no dad’ complex and I think were set.  My mother herself being an obvious codependent was raised by a narcissist mother.  

“When co-dependents place other people’s health, welfare and safety before their own, they can lose contact with their own needs, desires, and sense of self.”

  I never consider my needs or wants first.  I’m hardly aware that I have any.  

“A person's self-worth may form around being needed by another person and receiving nothing in return.”

  Well this is the story of practically every romantic relationship I have ever had.  It makes me feel better to know that I am needed or wanted. Appreciation is a big thing with me and I don’t ask for much if anything in return other than a “hey, thanks” response.  Probably not too healthy on my end.  

“Codependents need other people to like them to feel okay about themselves. They’re afraid of being rejected or abandoned, even if they can function on their own. Others need always to be in a relationship, because they feel depressed or lonely when they’re by themselves for too long. This trait makes it hard for them to end a relationship, even when the relationship is painful or abusive. They end up feeling trapped.”

  This is the reason I have stayed in really shitty relationships.  I have a terrible fear of rejection and abandonment and I have always freely admitted this.  It strikes me as odd to be such an independent person, not relying on anyone for anything and have prided myself on doing so for so long but if I find value in someone and I feel I can be of service to them, I am eternally fearful I will be disposed of.  I’ve always been ok to be on my own, but I think when the addiction of having someone else around kicks in, my brain somehow goes into hyper drive of “WE CAN’T LET THIS GO!”

“Codependents also deny their feelings and needs. Often, they don’t know what they’re feeling and are instead focused on what others are feeling. The same thing goes for their needs. They pay attention to other people’s needs and not their own. They might be in denial of their need for space and autonomy. Although some codependents seem needy, others act like they’re self-sufficient when it comes to needing help. They won’t reach out and have trouble receiving. They are in denial of their vulnerability and need for love and intimacy.”

  Again.  I am hardly ever aware I have needs and wants because I get too focused on how someone else is feeling and how can I fix that because that is a priority.  My relationships have been such though, that if I do voice my wants and needs, I am most always rejected so what is the point in ever stating so to someone who ultimately doesn’t give a shit how you feel?

“Codependency creates stress and leads to painful emotions. Shame and low self-esteem create anxiety and fear about being judged, rejected or abandoned; making mistakes; being a failure; feeling trapped by being close or being alone. The other symptoms lead to feelings of anger and resentment, depression, hopelessness, and despair. When the feelings are too much, you can feel numb.”

  Eternally.  I almost don’t know what it feels like to not be stressing over something or someone.  

Characteristics of Co-dependent People Are:

• An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
• I always feel responsible for the actions of others.  It’s always my fault.  Being told this constantly by narcissists really drives it home in a big way.
• A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
• I have been known to do this, I just always feel if I can lessen the burden of someone else, it’s my duty to.
• A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts
• Oh fuck this is real.  I’m definitely not going to grandstand but if I go out of my way and make sacrifices too many times without being acknowledged with even a ‘thank you’ I take it extremely personal. I always knew I had some sort of martyr complex.  I always felt I could work on that but when you are in a relationship with a narcissist, there is a build up over time of bending over backwards for someone who wouldn’t do half as much for you and it hurts to not feel valued or shown appreciation. Really fucking hurts and if you missed or ignored all the ways and things I have done, you are going to fucking hear about it eventually.  
• An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment
• As I’ve stated.  This is what has kept me in some very shitty relationships where I even KNEW I wasn’t being treated right and I always glossed over it because it wasn’t MY needs that were important and that ever fearful presence of abandonment.  This is ultimately embarrassing in so many ways.
• A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
• I can’t stand conflict. I will do anything to avoid it and if it comes down to me standing up for myself, its usually when I am inebriated and pissed off because something happened to be the last fucking straw.  I always feel a deep sense of guilt and shame after this happens and I apologize constantly.  
• A compelling need to control others
• If I can control the outcome, I can not have to feel pain or fear.  
• Lack of trust in self and/or others
• Being with narcissists over the past ten years has definitely put some trust issues into me BIG time.  They always change the game, the same rules don’t apply to them, going behind my back...
• Fear of being abandoned or alone
• Difficulty identifying feelings
• I have always freely admitted this one.  I have to usually sit with my feelings for a time to figure out what I am feeling.  What I am ‘supposed’ to feel, what I display.  Whether the feeling is valid.  I tend to pop off at the mouth and say things I regret when I don’t take the time to process things.  Also a behavior unleashed when I drink too much and am pushed to anger.  
• Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
• I am a creature of habit. If I change my schedule and routine for you, its a BIG deal and I will become angry if it’s not noted that I have done this.  
• Problems with intimacy/boundaries
• This is a big one.  I haven’t wrapped my head around the intimacy part.  It’s something I crave deeply but don’t feel I have really ever had.  Especially in relationships with narcissists.  They have nothing to give as far as intimacy and want it all their way, on their terms.  If I voice my feelings on desires and needs, I have always been rejected and refused. It has led to only understanding superficial intimacy and the thought of even having real intimacy with anyone, literally terrifies me at this point.  
• I have huge boundary issues.  I have none.  I have never been taught what those were, how to implement them or what is appropriate for me. I am so used to people just taking, I would literally feel like an asshole for ever setting any.  
• Chronic anger
• I have been told by the narcissists in my life that this is a thing and I only see it when I am pushed to the point of frustration.  I will erupt and carry a grudge for even a lifetime but I also feel that this is something narcissists say when they are mad they aren’t getting their way and it ONLY happens when I stand up for myself.  Hence another reason to not do that, to let sleeping dogs lie...
• Poor communications
• Communication has been a big one for me. Growing up, I had NONE.  I had to learn how to judge peoples emotions and needs by watching and picking up body language, tone, certain things said.  Another big thing with narcissists though, is they do not like to communicate. They will label anything related to a meaningful conversation of feelings and values as an argument. I become “argumentative” when I say something has made me upset. I may have a tendency to go off at the wrong time in the wrong way, especially when I am drinking, so I will also shut down and not communicate because to me, its not worth the fight.

There are a couple more basically redundant trademarks of codependency and I mostly match all of them in some way or another.  

I can’t even begin to describe all the emotions that have been going through my head.  I am so angry at myself for being this way.  For not seeing it. I have literally wasted YEARS of my life on people who weren’t worth anything.  I have spent so long pushing myself down for the self implied benefit of others, that I have trouble even knowing who I am anymore. I have just been going with the flow of what I assumed was better for everyone else and I have completely neglected my own needs of intimacy and boundaries partly due to being told in so many ways, I don’t matter and partly because I believed that.  When I look back at how I have behaved and lashed out at others when any normal self respecting person would have just walked away, it tears my fucking heart apart.  I needlessly subjected myself and others to this massive force of drama that I don’t know how to contain or do away with.  That I want to control and make a fucking happy ending....

Codependents have addiction problems and I am no exception. I have always known I have an addictive personality.  The main goal is escape.  I always feel this deep desire to numb my feelings and a want to just ignore everything I can’t do anything about but obsess about.  

I am two and a half weeks sober as of now.  I want nothing more that to drown my sorrows in a big bottle of vodka or a couple bottles of wine.  Mostly I want all of these fucked up mistakes to go away.  

I honestly don’t know how I am going to tackle a lifetime of learned behaviors and to be honest, I am now even more fearful to repeat the same mistakes.  I suppose if my best friend was suffering from this, I would tell her that knowing is half the battle.  That mistakes are ok and you have to forgive yourself for making them.  Even if you can’t forgive others for how they treated you, and it never should have been allowed in the first place, awareness is going to be key now.  

I’ve got a lot on my plate now, certainly more than I bargained for and my patience is about to be tested to the maximum.

Finding Comfort

As I come around to using my intelligence over my emotions, I have tried to keep up with the system of every time I am thinking negatively, I have to turn it around or balance things out with a positive.  It’s not always as easy as it seems, but the effort is there.  So I figured it’s time to lay it out in front of me to really let things soak in.

Things aren’t all doom and gloom in my world.  While I have been circling this drain of depression and regret, I do have a lot going on that has my life feeling pretty fulfilling.

My job has been 8 years at the same location, building up my clientele from practically nothing to being booked out a week or two in advance and I am making more money than I ever have.  I was able to finally buy a new car this year and while I was originally squeamish about taking on a car payment and higher insurance, I’m totally able to swing it.  Keeping on top of my bills and able to afford little luxuries on a weekly basis.

My health is as good as anyone can hope for, while I have been dealing with a bulging disc and pinched nerve issues, it’s a slow process to heal that I have been working on.  I am currently two weeks into sobriety, save for a glass or two of wine here and there, as my alcoholism was beginning to take over my life and I had to stop it from ruining me.
I have alienated a lot of my friends, whether that is me or them I haven’t decided but right now I am in the mind frame of ‘well shit, I don’t want to be around me as Debbie downer, why should I impose that on anyone else?’  I got tired of constantly asking for time from people and they clearly aren’t interested so, I stopped asking.

I was making a mental list this morning of things I don’t have to worry about anymore having been rejected by a narcissist.  It goes hand in hand with wondering what I actually lost anyway. I still have these emotional meltdowns of being overcome by grief and sadness and it’s not anything I feel I have control over.  I hope that when my heart finally gets the message those times won’t come anymore.

I don’t have to go out and wonder if that is the night I will be insulted for no reason.  Or wonder if who we hang out with will change how I am treated.  I am not blowing money left and right on huge bills for dinner that includes copious amounts of liquor.  And while I was blamed for that happening to him, I always thought it was odd that when we were apart he still bragged about paying for astronomical nights out...
I don’t have to try to be helpful anymore and waste my time on someone that doesn’t appreciate it.  While at the time, I was glad to be helpful, I honestly thought it was being seen as worth something.
I don’t have to spend weeks before a holiday or my birthday wondering what little thing he was going to pick to create a huge fight.
I don’t have to be lied to anymore or be embarrassed to find out lies he had said about me.  I don’t have to come up with an idea for some thing to do and have him be negative about it the whole time because it wasn’t his idea.  I don’t have to be yelled at anymore because I don’t have suggestions of what to do or where to go....
“You always” and “you never” are things I don’t have to be subjected to anymore which were ultimately rude insults I took personally.
I don’t have to spend my time building up someone else’s ego and listening to their problems and being supportive while I got absolutely none of that in return.

There are plenty of reasons for me to be able to breathe a sigh of relief that I didn’t know I could until recently because I had focused so much of my time and effort on someone else.  I think a huge part of my sadness and anger that I feel is I can’t understand why I deserved to be treated as if I were so disposable.  Why wasn’t I worth half of anything I gave?  Why did he pretend for so long I was a part of his life and loved when it all came down in the end to my stupidity at not realizing I wasn’t.

I am once again, going to have some serious trust issues and it’s just going to take time for me to feel comfortable with myself once again.  I’m not looking forward to the loneliness but I’m not going to dive into any distractions.   At this point, I need to figure out what I want and make sure I am not stripped of my dignity ever again.