As I come around to using my intelligence over my emotions, I have tried to keep up with the system of every time I am thinking negatively, I have to turn it around or balance things out with a positive. It’s not always as easy as it seems, but the effort is there. So I figured it’s time to lay it out in front of me to really let things soak in.
Things aren’t all doom and gloom in my world. While I have been circling this drain of depression and regret, I do have a lot going on that has my life feeling pretty fulfilling.
My job has been 8 years at the same location, building up my clientele from practically nothing to being booked out a week or two in advance and I am making more money than I ever have. I was able to finally buy a new car this year and while I was originally squeamish about taking on a car payment and higher insurance, I’m totally able to swing it. Keeping on top of my bills and able to afford little luxuries on a weekly basis.
My health is as good as anyone can hope for, while I have been dealing with a bulging disc and pinched nerve issues, it’s a slow process to heal that I have been working on. I am currently two weeks into sobriety, save for a glass or two of wine here and there, as my alcoholism was beginning to take over my life and I had to stop it from ruining me.
I have alienated a lot of my friends, whether that is me or them I haven’t decided but right now I am in the mind frame of ‘well shit, I don’t want to be around me as Debbie downer, why should I impose that on anyone else?’ I got tired of constantly asking for time from people and they clearly aren’t interested so, I stopped asking.
I was making a mental list this morning of things I don’t have to worry about anymore having been rejected by a narcissist. It goes hand in hand with wondering what I actually lost anyway. I still have these emotional meltdowns of being overcome by grief and sadness and it’s not anything I feel I have control over. I hope that when my heart finally gets the message those times won’t come anymore.
I don’t have to go out and wonder if that is the night I will be insulted for no reason. Or wonder if who we hang out with will change how I am treated. I am not blowing money left and right on huge bills for dinner that includes copious amounts of liquor. And while I was blamed for that happening to him, I always thought it was odd that when we were apart he still bragged about paying for astronomical nights out...
I don’t have to try to be helpful anymore and waste my time on someone that doesn’t appreciate it. While at the time, I was glad to be helpful, I honestly thought it was being seen as worth something.
I don’t have to spend weeks before a holiday or my birthday wondering what little thing he was going to pick to create a huge fight.
I don’t have to be lied to anymore or be embarrassed to find out lies he had said about me. I don’t have to come up with an idea for some thing to do and have him be negative about it the whole time because it wasn’t his idea. I don’t have to be yelled at anymore because I don’t have suggestions of what to do or where to go....
“You always” and “you never” are things I don’t have to be subjected to anymore which were ultimately rude insults I took personally.
I don’t have to spend my time building up someone else’s ego and listening to their problems and being supportive while I got absolutely none of that in return.
There are plenty of reasons for me to be able to breathe a sigh of relief that I didn’t know I could until recently because I had focused so much of my time and effort on someone else. I think a huge part of my sadness and anger that I feel is I can’t understand why I deserved to be treated as if I were so disposable. Why wasn’t I worth half of anything I gave? Why did he pretend for so long I was a part of his life and loved when it all came down in the end to my stupidity at not realizing I wasn’t.
I am once again, going to have some serious trust issues and it’s just going to take time for me to feel comfortable with myself once again. I’m not looking forward to the loneliness but I’m not going to dive into any distractions. At this point, I need to figure out what I want and make sure I am not stripped of my dignity ever again.
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