Ready for admission

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free.

Blackbird fly Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird fly Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Songwriters: John Lennon / Paul McCartney

 

I know what this song was intended to represent.  There has always been something about this song that whenever I hear it, I absolutely have to stop and close my eyes and listen to it. 

(traffic appropriate of course)

Civil rights...

 human rights, womanhood,

... me. 

We all seek something, we will never stop.  We all want, we all need, we all desire, its what you do and who you are to garner your wishes you want to come true.  And, as we all know, wishes don't generally come true. (thank goodness). 

They come true to a point but not with YOUR specifics is the weird thing.  

How many times have we heard the "just ask and ye shall receive" line?  Or the terms "manifest destination",  "Law of Attraction"?  

There is that whole silly 'balance' thing in the universe so yeah, you can get what you want but do you want it?

 

My most recent epiphany was realizing I can go after the things I want.  Not just the stupid degree for a stupid better paying job that won't leave me a drone, but for everything.  The other part of that is feeling confident enough to realize not only can I actually do that but also know more specifically what I want AND to be able to have enough confidence back that was stripped of me to go get it.  My obligation isn't to some "family" anymore that didn't give a shit either way if I was there making a home.  Not to some asshole who felt (and said as much) that I was there to serve him.  I'm not going to pretend I have everything figured out but I finally feel that I have worked through enough to know I don't deserve to be treated like shit.  Like as a wandering cheerleader for someone else. 

 

I am so amazed at how far I have come and how I represent now.  

Because of this, I make these impulsive decisions that I can feel good about. It's not a matter of justification, its relearning to listen to instinct.  

I'm not even going to pretend I'm not an over-thinker, that's who I am.  It's called "management" in my book.  I've had a fucking lifetime of it, just not for practical life.  I can deal with drug addicts and alcoholics better than I can with everyday society, literally, they are more real to me.  So, in an attempt to just let shit go, I just smile and nod at the general populace and extend my never ending patience.  I mean really, why get pissed off?  I don't know their troubles...

So I got that covered.

 

Now I feel like I'm moving into new territory and I feel like I have TOO much confidence.  To say I feel I might be attractive to someone? To feel sexual? To feel like I have anything to offer? It's all yes, yes, yes and no, no, no.  I suppose it keeps me from being an asshole.  

 

a year and a half single.  Nothing, Nada.

No dates, no invitations, no anything special at all. A couple assholes you meet on online dating sites which really are "I'm here to get laid" sites.  (so absolutely done with that bullshit,organic for me please) 

All of a sudden I am feeling this pull to companionship and I don't know how to handle it. Dating CLEARLY isn't dating anymore.  I haven't been asked out proper during this time.  That boy hasn't picked up the phone to literally talk to me.  As much as I am a feminist, I never pretended to be a dominant. But apparently during the past 8 years or so, times have become such that I not only have to own myself but also be aggressive in dating as well?  Honestly, I thought I was already....

It's not like I'm a wallflower but shit, this is ridiculous. My experience completely, has been boys just show up and girls do ALL the work.  The only explanation is, no one feels you're worth making the effort to step up to you.

 

And apparently the sex thing is confusing as hell.  What the hell is someone with a high libido supposed to do? I'm in a year dry spell and what I want to do is enjoy that aspect without A) looking like a slut they refuse to respect or B) making a man feel if we become intimate it's all or nothing. 

I've come to the point where I want what anyone wants.  I want a best friend I can have awesome sex with.  I want the companionship of comfort and enough static to make manners.  I want to watch that shitty movie while drinking and laughing with someone.  I want to let that someone know, I am solid for anything they need. I want the feedback that says, "I was thinking about you too".   I want to be respected and not invalidated ... ever again. I want to be able to speak my mind on my feelings as everyone else does and not feel self conscience about what they may feel about it.  I want....

To get to know someone intimately that also wants that from me.  and not pretend as in, "I'll do this only because I want to fuck you". Because personally, I need intimacy with my fucking, sorry.  I'm a bullshit detector, I see it too much.

Someone who isn't afraid of labels.

A man to tell me what is on his mind about me without being a dick about it but at the same time, be respectful.  It really isn't all or nothing, It's sex and companionship.

Not either ~ or.

The really stupid thing? 

Trying to find a man I'm attracted to, to be with, was a lot less complicated when I was younger.  Now, if I want physical touch on my skin, I feel like I have to spend so much of an investment just to find out he didn't care about it anyway.  And, I'm over 40. Go figure. 

Well I do.  And I don't go running into the very next relationship to figure that out.  Ever.  Because I don't need someone else to make me happy ultimately.  I don't need a caretaker.  I don't need someone to be my slave/cheerleader. I can take my time.  I am not a predator.  I don't have this inane need for control over others.  

but for fucks sake is it too much to want to be acknowledged at least?

Maybe his last one was a "one in a million"  for various "crazybitch" reasons but you know what?

I'm more than that. 

I refuse to be treated as anything less. 

I have all kinds of patience.  What I don't have....

well I can't wait to write about it when I get it and don't have to wonder about it anymore.

In the meantime, 

Say what you need to say. 

To anyone you need to say it to. 

Just be real.

 

 

Suicidal Tendencies

A few years ago I sat in my gynecologists exam room and we were monitoring how my estrogen supplements were working for my period issues.  I was having a super PMS filled, heavy, painful time every two weeks.  It was working fabulous in that I didn't have to suffer as frequently.  She asked "How are you feeling otherwise?" and I remember like it was yesterday. I already had tears welling up ready to spill down my face, my nose swelling with a push of either pain of the heart or snot, perhaps both.  I wanted to press my face into this woman's chest and have her embrace me as I told her I was afraid.  That I was scared, ashamed, that I thought to blame it on my new medication but all I told her as I fought to get the words out over the sobbing I knew was there, was that I felt suicidal. 
"I feel like an emotional wreck and I absolutely cannot handle this on my own anymore.  I have suicidal thoughts."

I didn't want to admit it to myself because at the time I was supposed to be in a stable relationship, had a family to worry myself with, a job I was trying to build up clientele with.... I had too many other things to worry about, there was no way I could be so upset about my own self, I didn't feel I had any more self to give.  As if I was all used up, spoken for, how could I possibly be missing something with my life so full?  There was nothing I could fathom that I should have been upset about other than all the health issues I was being tested for...

My doctor nodded and smiled kindly to me, asked if I was wanting to try some anti-depressants and I nodded yes. 
So began my second journey with medication for moods. 
The first time being when I was about ready to divorce my husband.  It was taking a toll on me to try to be everything to someone who didn't want me.  For someone I wasn't built to be with.  I stopped taking them because it made me blank.  For someone who has spent (then in my late 20's) twenty years with a constant babble in their brain, to have it just stop, was very uncomfortable.  I was well aware of the fact that I was feeling nothing when I knew I should be feeling something about anything.  So came to be yet another time in my life where I said fuck it, I'll self teach myself how to deal with this crap, as usual.  The therapist at the time wanted to just give me a prescription and send me off.

I don't know how it is supposed to be, how to teach your child about their emotions and how to deal with them, with life.  I hope I am doing ok with my own, but children defy you no matter your advice because, lets face it, sometimes you have to learn on your own.  Looking back though, I don't think ideally leaving a 9 year old to self-harm is an ideal way for her to learn things. 
I was self inflicting before I knew what it was.  It was instinct and I don't know how. 
It was me sitting in my bed at 2 a.m. while my mom and her friends played Yahtzee drunk and on speed, loudly in the next room all night while I had school in the morning and only a curtain for a door dividing us.  Crying so hard I could feel how swollen my eyes were.  Trying to drown out the adult noise with my fingernails scraping up my thighs until I bled.
So what?
Big deal?
So the adults were partying, its not like I was in harms way.
Except by this point I had witnessed enough to know that things could go south at any minute during these "festivities".  I had known men would beat their wives/girlfriends in front of children they thought weren't watching.  I knew my mom was at a bar the night she was beaten and raped, left for dead. It was having to leave the house so fast to go 'kill time' at a park while he cooled down and I had no shoes to run around on tanbark.  I still hate that shit...
I had no control over my situation and I knew it. 

For most of my life I knew more about other people than they knew of themselves.  Myself included.  It's pretty much a survival thing when you are dealing with drug addicts and alcoholics.  You have to learn to decipher who is real and who is a ghost.  Who is checking out and who is honestly there.  I spent a lot of time in the shadows watching adults and making correct predictions.  It's second nature to me now.  But what does a child do with all that going on while trying to deal with the fact that this is family?  You can't talk to a drug addict about feelings.  They are selfish.  It's like a law.  You have to take each day, hour, minute as it comes and just be prepared.  Your feelings don't matter, whats the point in releasing them?

You bottle it up until it explodes.  Either in a form of self destruction, hate, anger, defiance.  Choose your poison.  It never ends positive.  Your not Scarlett O'Hara telling no one in particular you'll never go hungry again and making good on your promise.  It's always a hellfire of rage and resentment because what came to be, shall pass.  Sometimes not without trying to take you down with it in the form of finalization. 

Things were out of my control not too long ago and I knew it.  I didn't feel there was an answer. I felt I was treading water.  Always busy, always tired, always feeling sick and always feeling I wasn't doing/being/offering enough. Being told on a continual basis there is something wrong with you and being denied constantly the things you want to do or experience makes one feel less worthy as well.  Which was what brought me almost sobbing to my gynecologist that morning.  A huge feeling of being out of control and not knowing what to do about it. 

I don't like to feel as if I am in 'recovery' because that implies an inane sense of damage I had within myself, but progress isn't quite the right term either.  I use recovery though because 'time of reconciliation' is a little formal.  Regardless of definition of time used, I am now at a point where I am no longer in need of anti-depressants and it is a point of raw fulfillment. 
(Kinda big news for an addictive personality like myself. WOOP WOOP)

Saying and knowing you are worth something are two different things.  Not having a daily reminder from someone basically saying 'almost, but not quite...' and knowing I am true are the difference. "Well M., it's not like you couldn't have known that then."
We'll talk to that point after you have had someone little by little, day by day, week by month by year try to bury you because you weren't the person they wanted you to be.
I can't even fathom right now....
what a stranger I had become in trying to accommodate and please. 

It's been a bit of a stressful time for me.  I hate the holidays. It's my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years by myself.  Its a reminder that eleven years ago my mother committed suicide on Christmas eve.  It's being reminded every single fucking year you are NO reason to be celebrated but god forbid you fail to recognize someone else. As much as I want to say I don't give a fuck about the holidays, I do. So I do my best to ignore them. This way, no fucks are given.

I'm not done though is the thing.  I won't be until... well, until I'm done I suppose.  I have nothing but time really.  I take care of my responsibilities, I make sure my kids are thriving and healthy and not at their expense of having to live with someone who hates them.  I find myself walking this incredible, amazing, tightrope of extremes.  I can feel everything and nothing.  I have everything figured out and nothing.  I care and I don't.  I love and I hate.  It's black or white and above all, it's grey. I'm a participant and a voyeur.  The weighing of wants and needs, comparing history with history.  Speculating on future and placing bets. Coming to terms with loneliness not being a punishment, just another emotion.  Losing judgement of others while still knowing their soul.  Being
comfortable with listening to my instinct. 

I still feel that pull of feeling like I want someone in my life to share things with but it's not a priority by any means.  Quite the opposite (unfortunately?).  I'm scared to have that.  I lost so much last time, it's just not a risk I feel is worth taking.  To give someone so much of yourself and to be told regularly 'close, but not right.'  In my all too frequent daydreams (habitual in nature) I have found myself feeling physically repulsed by the thought of being intimate with someone.  I have pretty much flip flopped with my emotional sense in that I can share the deepest part of my soul with anyone non-nonchalantly but to have a physical encounter at this point makes me have a panic attack. 
I can't figure that out at all right now...
Perhaps its because the last time I was flirted with by an attractive man, I was drunk after a few cocktails and his....wife intervened.
Classic man.
Men who I have been with in the past and who didn't want to pursue things with me then but whom are making attempts to now, don't count.  That is the biggest insult, and I have enough of that.
(amazing how when your single these guys come out of the woodwork)

Every night I have dreams of trying to find my way.  Be it in the streets where I grew up in California, in some cross country trip to a cave, some forest trail, a river trip.  I am avoiding places I know in my head I am not wanting to go because of my past, real or imagined.  Trying to get to somewhere and feeling half confident I know where I am going but still blind.  Being aware of the challenges and ready to accept the outcome even not knowing.  Feeling in my soul what awaits me if I veer off path.  Being ready for that confrontation.  Knowing I take responsibility for my actions which makes me leaps and bounds more emotionally prepared to face this life unlike the weak I judge.  The water in my dreams is always clear and calm, always to my surprise and the toilets are always clean and ready to use.  I am still a leader and still fearless but emotionally putting whomever I am with before me.  I still have the sexual rejection in my dreams of someone who is utterly incapable of being attractive and I find every night finds me trying to navigate blindly which, pretty much is exactly how I feel at any given point. 
I feel uncomfortable in that any time I am around another man I find even partially attractive, they feel this need to constantly bring up other women. "Hot" women, or "sexy" as has been described to me countless times.  I don't know if it's because I am felt as just another dude sitting around passing a j or because there is an insinuation that I should be stepping up my game.  As if that is the reason in a room of single men, I am able to be so bluntly conversative about other women, because I'm not appreciated as an attractive one. Seriously I can't be considered as a potential....
Clearly I can't now put out a flirtation with someone even for a fwb thing because clearly, I don't make the cut. 

No matter really, I suppose.  I have my work which is booming, my kids that are thriving, school that propels me and Buddhism which levels me.  I crave attaining the jhana where I don't crave companionship and the craving only holds me back.  Its a vicious cycle.
I will get there when I get there.
I have nothing but time.

Finite energy

In the constant ebb and flow that is the ocean of meandering thoughts in my head, I spend a lot of time on the cusp.  The cusp of being able to understand something on a deeper level, intuitively.  That point of realizing something profound where whatever it is that is being pondered is about to be revealed to me.  There is a connection between things that are unseen.  There is a specific way that things happen or will occur that ultimately, we just don’t have control over. 

I’m not speaking on the point of day to day living or running into an old friend.  Getting into an accident or taking the consequences of not being prepared for something.  I’m speaking on an entirely esoteric level.  In the way that everything we know to be true is based on energy.  Vibration.  Elements we may or may not be able to touch, see, hear.  Including our own physical selves.  Does this include thought as well? It would have to, those too, are energy.  Whether released out or contained within you. 

To me, it feels as if there is a finite amount of energy in this world.  (I’m not going outside into universe territory, I want to keep this more linear, approachable).  When I think of this/these energies, I feel as if I am looking directly at something but there is a blind spot right in the middle of where I am looking.  It is very frustrating and if I do just a little more digging….

At any rate, going back to the rules of thermodynamics, energy can be neither created nor destroyed.  It can change forms however.  I realize this was meant to classify our environments of a scientific nature, but it just applies to everything. EVERYTHING.  So when it is said that we “create” the energy or vibration we need, meaning, if it is your dream to go sledding down the Rockies, you are going to invest your energy into accomplishing that task.  You find that which you seek.  Perhaps there are conscience efforts to arrange and prioritize your daily life, and maybe you don’t think about it and you just do it.  Damn the consequences.  Either way, we make sacrifices and compromises within the universe to accomplish the things we want.  Unfortunately, as silly human creatures, it can be very difficult to find out that which you are willing to work towards.  What is worth something to you now, could very easily lose all value to you next week, even with just the process of maturation or the hierarchy of needs.

I feel like finding the mass of your energy is directly correlated to discovering your own boundaries.  Yet, even though you seek to find the edge of the table, the more you try to seek how much room you have left, the more you push it away from you. Not as growth, but  as you attempt pursuit. 

I follow Buddhism of the Vipassana teaching, utilizing metta meditation (when I am more disciplined).  This is a method of enlightenment that the Buddha himself gained nibbana.  There are other paths to take, other methods of teaching, some more modern, some more strict but this is a truth.  That Buddha reached enlightenment through metta meditation on the eight fold path.  Also known as loving kindness meditation.  You do not focus on your breathing, no object of distraction, no clearing out something that is impossible to clear out.  It is utilizing the energy you have to provide yourself with what you need to be present. Here. Now.  Once it is realized you have control over this, that it is YOU, there crops up an ego which you must also push to the wayside.  All in all, it is not a religion one practices.  It is a lifestyle.  

So, now you have this energy that you have learned can influence your life.  It should be so easy just to wish oneself into wealth and importance right? Well that’s the kicker.  Personal gain doesn’t fly in this realm.  Ironically, the jhanas you progress through provide these intense feelings and deep rooted remembered knowledge.  The first being joy.  As you progress and become more, you are shown that you are in fact, less.  That you are ultimately everything and nothing.  A phrase easy to say, an experience easily related but the audience will not truly know or understand the reality of this, what it means and how it all fits together unless it is actually experienced, for themselves.  Not to say you won’t encounter this truth if you are not following Buddhism, just as meditation can take any form,  truth can be revealed in any way. 

I have not gotten this far, this understanding.  My Bhante spoke of being able to see the world around you come to life and die almost instantly, like a flicker.  He spoke of the more enlightened you become, the less you rely on your world around you.  People and relationships will not mean the same thing.  Physical cravings, even of the most biological kind, won’t mean even half as much as they do to you before.  So naturally I questioned him.  It seemed unnatural to me to want to achieve this happiness, this level of not suffering only to not have the bonds and ties of your own life and the people around you.  He said some choose to not go forward.  Some choose to stay in their jhana, it is a personal choice.  You are not forced into this recognition of life force. Of the universe.  But, what you learn, cannot be unlearned.

I crave more.  I want more.  I felt and know of the amazing changes that occur and the way to get there is practice, of which I lack discipline in not wanting more.  Craving leads to suffering. 

I have a nasty habit of living in the past.  It is such a pattern of thinking so ingrained into me, it is the thing I struggle with the most.  I want to look at the past and have introspection.  Pick it apart and see what makes the past tick.  As if it matters.  As if I continue to needle at it, I will somehow, magically, find an answer in today.  It is one of those things that is out of my control and is very frustrating.  So I feel I am constantly in a loop of past/now torture but it’s not something I actively seek. 

I realized that in the past, I was told there was something wrong with me.  Since there actually wasn’t,  I began physical manifestations of non-explainable health issues.  I believed what I was told by someone I looked up to and in the end, it led to depression and many suicidal thoughts.  When I was removed from being subjected to a higher standard demanded OF me for someone else, my manifestations stopped.  Literally went away practically overnight.  I dropped over 60 lbs without even trying.  The only physical pain I have is from a validated ulcer and validated tendon damage which are both manageable.  I tend to look back and I see me as a different person shrouded in fear, shame, depression and inadequacy  and I want nothing more than to protect others from having to live this way as well. 

I acted out of emotion when I was told I wasn’t wanted.  I lashed out, I blamed, I spit anger at the injustice of treating someone like I was treated, systematically, over time, broken down and molded into unrecognizable me.  My view was one of unfair.  Here I had put years of heart and soul into someone I believed truly wasn’t the monster I see now, and it was the worst investment of my life.  That I allowed myself to be so controlled by my own fear and just wanting acceptance.  When I began standing up for myself in retaliation for the sneers and shitty double standards was when I had a shift in reality.  That he didn’t like that I was standing up for myself.  In fact, putting me down and dismissing me, invalidating me over my own stance.  I just wanted revenge.  I just wanted retribution.

I am still very much healing myself.  Defining my boundaries and making my life mine again.  I still have forgotten memories bubble up every now and then as if my mind is telling me I am not done realizing what my worth REALLY is and reminding me that I should never ever settle just for meager  attention, unreciprocated love,  ever again.  

I do not use my energies for what others want of me anymore.  It’s mine and I control it.  I do not want to have the anxiety and fear that comes from years of being told to fix myself.  Being shown that I am of lesser importance than someone else’s wants.  I’m stronger now, because I have to be.  I’m smarter now because I have been given the tools to open my mind.  I am capable of loving more now because I have begun to express my own self as loving kindness and I am beginning to shed away the cares that I had for others in the sense of worrying over what another’s opinion of me is.  Because I know my best and I will give my best, genuinely and I am letting judgments slip through my fingers to fall to the wayside.  I can trust my intuition again and I can make better decisions because of this.  Confidence is returning in a muted egotistical way of “what do I have that is spectacular that I can give to you”.  My first thoughts aren’t of negativity but positive love and light. 

These things that I am, that I have, will become are not in relation to who was in my past and what they have done to cover me, nor is it out of spite. 

 It is what it is, it is me.  It is my everything and nothing.

Defining Patience

Currently my life is calm.  It's nice, peaceful, fulfilling and on my terms.  I will be the first to admit that I am a control freak but I am also the first one to put aside my own selfish wants to accommodate others needs and feelings.  So ultimately, me being alone, is pretty much as good as it gets I suppose.  I get to live in my little world that no one tramples on and I don't have to care-take over anyone else.  I have my routine and my schedule and I don't have to work it around anyone else.  I don't have to make sure things are done according to someone else's ideals and I am much more content and happy with my surroundings as a result.   Pride is a word I would use.  Pride and comfort.

I take inventory quite frequently on my progress with healing.  Measuring how far I have come in such a short time to get back to where I was prior to drowning.  About a week ago, I had a memory pop up out of the blue of "The Good Christian" berating me.  I remember being in a foul mood about something, I was upset about my daughter for something.  It was always the situation where if I was upset or mad, he would become even more upset and angry as if I weren't allowed to have those emotions or he assumed that I was mad at him and he didn't appreciate that.  I can't remember the details but the scene that popped into my head was him standing across the room from me and glaring at me while bitching about something and saying "are you in a shitty mood cause your daughter won't talk to you or is it because you are pissed off your mom is dead?"
It was around Mother's Day.

Things like this can crop up out of nowhere.  When it happens, I get anxiety, I feel fearful, this wave of feeling like I have to walk on eggshells comes over me and I have to talk myself down and remember/remind myself that I am the one in control now.  Not him.  It was ok for me to be upset about something, it was NOT ok for him to say that.  It just makes me ill I tolerated that...

I wanted to be a beacon of warning.  I wanted no one else to be hurt by this invisible monster that just creeps up in your life and takes you down.  I didn't want anyone else to have to bow to his standards which is a game of changing rules, double standards, moodiness and denial.  But I can't.  it's not my place to tell others that stupid is as stupid does.  This doesn't mean I can't lead a path to awareness of mental abuse.  If I were told in the beginning that this was who he was, there is no way in hell I would have believed it.  It's only now, linking up the pieces and recalling the red flags that were there from the beginning, that I am able to know for myself what to be aware of in the future. It's all I can do.

The things you hate about others are the things you hate about yourself.  So, in this philosophy I have been turning the mirror to myself and taking a big look at the reality of what I hate about others and what I am failing to admit to myself.  This has been a little confusing at times because things like, I hate that I was told I was unworthy of love. Well, I never have thought or felt that way about anyone so that isn't applicable.  But then I say, I hate the way someone else tries to control everything, and I have to reckon with my own dictatorship. 
And I do.
And things change.  Within me and around me. 
Letting go of ego is a lot more difficult for those of us who had none and regained confidence.

Patience is being able to accept a different outcome than the one you were expecting.  I am perfecting the art of patience by releasing expectations.  It takes practice, but you do it because, it's not about you.

I have direction in my life, a plan, friends I can count on and who can count on me.  My kids are thriving and happy, not having to live under the pressure of living with an authority figure who hates them.  We went camping a couple weeks ago and it was probably one of the best, most relaxing and fun times we have had camping.  At the end of it, i knew I was in the right place at the right time because when I folded up the tent, it all fit in the fucking bag, zipper closed. 
That means you're doing it right.

Over a year out for being single.  No dating, no offers, no interest.  I'm 60 pounds lighter, still fairly attractive (I hope anyway) and working on that degree to go with the brainyness.  But I look around at the general population of men around me and it just turns my stomach.  For one thing, trying to find a single, attractive, smart, nice man my age, who doesn't live at home and/or have a drinking problem is impossible.  So, the ones that are single, do not fit the rest of my own personal standards.  And yes, I am allowed to have standards.  I prefer people who accept responsibility for themselves.
I watch other couples and more and more all I see is how needy and clingy men are.  They cannot be alone.  They are like children, needing someone to take care of them.  They have this woman standing next to them that does this because she knows how much this partner of hers takes but everyone pretends its she who is the lucky one....  You know, cause he is a great provider (I have NEVER had that, don't know what that is like), he is a great dad (on the weekends) and he ..... whatever.
I can't currently fathom anyone in my life.  I feel like I would have to make sacrifices and compromise all in the name of providing for someone else.  It's such a turn off.  I question if I am lesbian but sexually, no.  Not an option.  I hate that I feel so protective over myself that I can't make an effort to find another to spend quality time with.  So I stopped thinking of it as an option.  Sex department wise, it's cool, I have no libido anymore.  It's a little tough to feel desirable when there isn't anyone to make you feel you might be.  My last trysts so long ago, left such a bad impression on me, it's just not worth the effort.

I have a  co worker that is newer to me and every now and then we get to chat and I find out more things about her.  She is my age, she has two teen boys, she is tall and super pretty, has this gorgeous smile and is awesomely friendly.  Divorced and remarried, she just has her shit together.
The other day I found out that they had just completed the building of their home and I felt completely deflated. I cried later. So very happy for them, I mean how exciting is that?  Its been a big dream of mine for two decades to build a geodesic home, I think that's awesome.  I was deflated because I realized that was not going to be me.  Ever. 
I have always wanted to have a big Halloween party, never happened. 
I always wanted a birthday party for myself, never happened.
I would have even been happy with some kind of birthday acknowledgement!  Take a trip, have a vacation, have inheritance, have family, have fucking medical insurance....
(on the heels of finding out I need to come up with like $7,000 for medical treatment....)
I can't help but compare.  Things I have looked forward to my whole life have been slipping away  left and right while people are standing in front of me getting it handed to them. It's jealousy.  It's anger and it's fear.  So I can be mad, I can feel upset. 
As long as I can let it go at the end of the day and have patience with myself.  The patience that is accepting a different outcome than the one I was expecting.

When the ulcer becomes a bleeding one

I have no idea where I am going with this.  I've got a few balls in the air right now and I'm either in a process of avoiding making a list of things I HAVE to tend to by this Tuesday, convincing myself it's ok to just SIT once in a while or thinking about what I need to put on aforementioned list.  I'm smack dab in the middle of a decision that will or will not have an impact. (yes, an impact.)  The decision itself has been made, I'm literally trying to plan the aftermath and that is about the silliest thing I have tried to do...
lately.

I have these certain fears that paralyze me in life with regard to what I have been taught of 'survival'.  Not having a place to live being a priority, having a reliable car, being able to keep utilities on and food on the table.  It's the fear of running out of any of these necessities that keeps me in this bubble of anxiety, permanently, because I have no one to rely on.  It is a full time job for someone like me, earning a backbreaking income, to keep a head above water, much less the addition of two teenagers.  I don't get to 'plan' anything.  There is no savings for travel or vacation (whatever that is). Retirement fund?  Yes.  My plan is to work until I have no choice but rely on social security because I don't have any other options at this point.
 
So we throw school in to try to upgrade us at least enough to bump us into the next tax bracket. 
I have to rid myself of some income I have coming in because what it is doing to me physically alone is not worth the peanuts I make, in the long scheme of things.  So before it eats me into permanent negativity I have to let it go because I can't afford to obsess about what is going to become of someone who has a husband that is/has been a provider for her.
That has multiple residences. 
That has family.
Not when the cost is me feeling completely disrespected, un trusted and used.  I've had enough of that.
I've come to terms that it's going to be alright.  If it comes to a point where some action or decision needs to be made, I will do so and try to believe I will make the best decision at the time. 
Fucking control freaks.....
We are assholes.

It's been over a year since I have been in any kind of relationship whatsoever and just about as long to celebrate celibacy. 
I turned 40 with no acknowledgement and have felt invisible and rejected ever since.  Well, some days.  It's not an ego booster to not have any attention.  Mantras don't help.  It's confusing.  Confusing, freeing, ironic and ever evolving how I feel.  Is it that I think I need someone or is it just hormones?
Again.
It's the shitty smile.  It's the lack of time.  It's the blatant history. It's the look I have of "wounded-man-hater" I suppose.
I'm picking and choosing more and while before perhaps standards would be more relaxed as time went on, I feel like mine are becoming more stringent.  Not just with regard to dating, I just mentioned that is not a thing, obviously, but with regard to any personal relationships. 

I still have a lot of negativity towards the 'good christian'.  A lot of the feeling has become nothing.  Just non existent.  I don't pay attention to things I don't want to and I try not to feed the anger flames but at times some word will be heard or some flash on tv and I am taken back to a memory of unfavorability.  The other day it was when I gave him a letter I had written when we were only like a year and a half, two years in where I told him there were times I felt afraid of him and it made me uncomfortable.  So I have this whole situation in my brain and at the same time my brain is going "SEE!!  You were a fucking IDIOT dollface!!  You saw it then!  He acted like he was offended anyone would think that about him and HOW MANY years AND people have come across with saying the SAME THING OF HIM!!!"

*sigh*
So then I'm back to my present and I feel embarrassed and hurt and sad.  So it's another cycle of delving into all the things I have to take care of, need to do.  Life would be so much easier with a live in assistant to take care of all my needs like paying bills and cooking and cleaning. 

I think I need a girlfriend.
Forget sex, I have no libido anymore. 
No need for it I suppose.
I think I need to feel better about myself somehow and I need to have confidence I have this thing called life, not figured out, but doable.  I need to have hope for something. Right now its all work.  It's work and school and home and about 90% of it, on my own.  It's all in kind of a limbo right now and I just feel overwhelmed.  Overwhelmed and underappreciated.
You'd think as a woman, I'd be used to this shit by now.

Truth and toilets

I think it's absolutely cowardly to run away from your responsibilities.  Maybe you need some time or help to get through taking care of what you are personally responsible for, but here I am, 11 months later, still picking up after someone who left me and delusionally thinks I owe him any goddamn thing.  It dawned on me he had been doing that the whole time I have known him.  Would rather get up, walk away and ignore whatever it is he didn't want to deal with.  Which was a lot.  He used over half his tax refund catching up on car payments that he was behind on.  Not because the money wasn't there, but because he didn't make the payments.  So many other things through the years that were ignored and a back turned on.  It's really unbelievable how little one person will take responsibility for himself after boasting on being such a stand up man.  Ironic.

I'm getting settled in my new home and the kids are genuinely happier.  No more feeling that oppressive, choking feeling of intimidation in the room.  Makes my stomach turn to think of it now.  I'm getting a routine going in my constant movement through the days.  I made the realization I had lost 50 pounds, effortlessly, in less than a year when it had piled on over the course of 6 years due to depression and insecurity.  When I take the dog out for his walk in the morning, I smile 'just because' and I'm very much enjoying my productivity and ability to remain more in the moment.  Losing stresses and having anxieties buried.  I'm enjoying every minute regardless of the insecurities I still feel that live inside me.

In dream analysis, to dream of a clogged or overflowing toilet is a sign of emotional repression.

 Toilet
To see a toilet in your dream symbolizes a release of emotions. You need to get rid of something in your life that is useless. 

To see a clogged toilet in your dream suggests that you are holding and keeping your feelings to yourself. Your emotions have been pent up too long and you need to let go of the negative feelings.

To see an overflowing or flooded toilet in your dream denotes your desires to fully express your emotions

Dreaming about a flood with mud and/or garbage spilling out of the toilet indicates that your feelings are repeatedly being belittled, undermined or unacknowledged. You feel disrespected."

Over the years, I have continually had dreams of disgusting toilets.  Overflowing, no stalls, just gross and at times, overcrowded, bathrooms.   I always hated them, they were always so vivid and left me feeling confused.
So you can imagine my excitement when I had my first dream about a month ago, where there was a clean bathroom!  Since then, there have been a couple with maybe some clogged toilets but still having stalls and still being able to find a clean one.  It felt amazing, oddly enough...

Also lately though, most every night, I am having dreams of trying to escape.  Either with a group of people or by myself.  In weird locations like on a ship or in a big city.  Countryside or houses.  I'm either being hunted or trying to get away from someone dangerous.  I am finding my way out of forests, rivers, warehouses, cities.  I even had one the other night where I received a pep talk from Carl Sagan...
I have no explanation.

I am so put off by the idea of dating.  Not that I have the option to.  That would require someone being interested in me.  Those that were, I'm just not interested in, point blank.  So I'm back to where I was before when single, feeling like I have the plague.  I was musing awhile ago that that could be the reason I ended up acting on so many losers.  Just wanting attention, any attention, was what I was seeking.  When you find someone willing to give it to you, you settle out of some weird sense of desperation.  Well, at least I did.  My desire for attention, while still strong, has been prioritized for things like loving myself and having standards.  Not to mention my own insecurities on my own physical attributes keeping me from reaching out. 

I'm scared of being interested in someone and finding out too late they are controlling and I am giving way more of myself than I should.  I look around at all the single males I know and there is one thing about 90% of them have in common.  They do not want to be alone.  It's like they can't.  As I live in my head and I try to figure things out about myself, I always visit the question of "why do I feel like I want someone?" and I have a huge feeling most men don't ask this of themselves.  They go from woman to woman, sliding along and feeling like it's a life or death situation to get the next one.  Even lined up beforehand.
Sounds familiar...

The few I do know that aren't on a mission to find what boils down to a convenient supply of sex, are living life.  Its not a priority.  They (hopefully) are finding fulfillment not in other people, but in themselves and what they are doing.  These want to surround themselves with others like minded.  Where a relationship isn't something you seek, it's something that just evolves.  No pressure and no judgement, because it's not a priority.  So I feel like I was on the other side of the fence, feeling incomplete without a partner or feeling I had to take what I could get and I've tunneled my way under the fence, poking my head up gopher style, and checking out my new digs.
;)
I don't want to be sucked in to someone who is just wanting someone for their own comfort, adoration and convenience again.  I certainly don't want to do that to someone else either.  The other thing I am relieved of by not being concerned with dating is having to put up with men who put on a front of being interested but it's only a physical thing they are after.  Why the hell can't people just be adult about sex?  Why put yourself back in a high school mentality when life isn't even a competition anymore?

I feel like an 80 year old reminiscing.  I watch these other people, single, coupled and I see the dynamics between them.  What works, what doesn't, what eachother tolerates and what each sacrifices. Not necessarily to compare my own past or present but just studying people.  It's only natural the topic of relationships should be on my mind and now that I am getting to a better understanding of myself, I'm really seeking my tribe.  I'm not gloming on to people I think will like me, I'm being more selective about who I spend my valuable free time with.  I want to have more enriching experiences and I want to become more unbiased.

I think a lot of my thinking lately is skewed because I live in my head so much.  Working alone, one day off a week, full time school, a very rare adult to talk to.  The subject of loneliness creeps on and I have to remind myself, it's not in my control at this time, so I have to be ok with that because that is the truth.

 

Slice of Cake

I feel lighter.  Not just in the weight I have lost. I feel as if the past 7 years never happened.  I feel as if I have moved from my old apartment to a new one. That’s how I feel.

My brain tells me other things to contradict that feeling but now that I am no longer having to be in any kind of shared vicinity with the ‘Good Christian’, it has been so much easier to push the negative thoughts away.  Challenged only by the fact I have no positive thoughts on he as an entity.  I have flashbacks of him telling me I’m a horrible person.  Telling me I am “awful at relationships” because I didn’t apologize the right way.  Telling me I am “unworthy of love”.  The moment those words were uttered, I had no reason what so ever to stay.  It was the systematic breakdown of someone trying to make me into someone I am not and punishing me because I wasn’t that imagined person.

I literally feel sick to my stomach when I recall these things.  

About a week ago I was driving to work and I was just in a great mood.  (As of late, it’s pretty damn rare to catch me not feeling pleasant…) My brain went about thinking about how I was getting back to who I was before I met him.  Happy.  Independent. Confident. Secure. Things are back on my terms now instead of being a slave to someone else’s schedule and demands.  No more dripping with anxiety about what mood he would be in or what I would do wrong next. It dawned on me that I was so grateful that I can get back to that woman, except now, I am much happier than I was even then.

And I cried. 

I don’t cry.  If I cry, it’s because I am extremely angry and frustrated.  But welling up with happiness and crying was a new thing for me.  Confusing…

I wanted to take that girl that dumb, naive, girl, and hold her tight.  Hold her right on my heart as tight as I could so she could be safe and loved.  Tight, until she felt human again.  Like someone who had worth to another.

Herself.

It’s been a journey.  It has been one of the most challenging times in my life, and not just the last year.  Ever since I read that letter telling me how shitty he thought I was, (three pages worth!) I developed a wall of anger.  The wall has changed over time with what it is built with, but that wall, will always be there.  It grew ever higher with the more he continued to try to exert control and issue ultimatums.  I would find myself recalling his insults to me and I became very aware that every single god damn thing he accused me of being, I was not and he was.  He is.  Dripping with insecurity and a desperate need to have accolades.  The self-righteous of the self-righteous.  The complete opposite of me. 

I reflect back on my time at Dhamma Sukkah and I know now I really did come back different.  My whole outlook is different.  I look back at who I was and I don’t recognize her.  I will never be thankful for this ‘lesson’ I have learned.  This is not a congratulatory situation where I thank someone for treating me like shit so I could become awakened. I’m here and I am successful because of me.  I took the steps to recognize.  To push back.  To break a chain.  Some would rather slide right on into a new relationship…. Or two… three? Much like a snake. I chose to own my shit and call a bully a bully.  I’m not the first to call him that.  Not by a longshot.

So I am now at a point where I am working two jobs, school full time, getting settled into my new home and taking care of my kids. (They are going to be a whole other post. Abuse affects everyone.)  My work is really picking up and I’m setting up goals I want to work towards. There is so much that is going ‘right’ in my life right now, seamlessly, that it’s almost scary.  I practice letting go of ego bit by bit and it’s all ok. 

On the flipside of things, and I only bring it up because it has weighed heavily on my mind lately, there are things I want in my life as I crave them but I try to justify it with ‘human nature’.  I have been floating along the situation of my feelings about this because there is nothing I can do about it but maybe it’s one of those I-only-want-it-cause-I-don’t-have-it kind of deal.  But then one morning, it happened...

I’m gonna get personal for a minute.  

Probably about 8 or 9 years ago, I was experiencing a weird phenomenon where after practicing some self-love, I would be overwhelmed by this sadness.  It would make me weepy and desolate.  I had no control.  It was some weird hormone thing I supposed.  At the time I wasn’t dating anyone (few of those times in my life) and I was feeling alone.  So after some research I found why. Oxytocin is released in orgasm.  (For us breast feeders, those are the ‘feel good’ hormones that come with let-down.)  It is a chemical that is responsible for the communication component of love, not the romantic but not to say they don’t share mutuality.  So for most women this is an emotional aspect of life.  It’s what bonds us to our children,  bonds us to our lovers, to our partners.  It’s called the “love hormone” for a reason.  So when we experience something that is strong with this endorphin, you instinctively want to share it.  You want to reach out to that other soul and send out that vibration.

So what happens if there is no one there?  What if you are left there, alone, with these love hormones racing through you and you know deep down this is something that is meant to be bonding but your brain says… “hey, wait a minute…. Something’s wrong here….”  All because as we are having this human experience  that is ingrained in us, anciently, to be a part of something.  A community, a family, a partnership etc.  Social creatures by way of needing companionship for survival. We need touch and compassion.  Vulnerability and peace.  We want to share happiness with others and if others aren’t happy, we want to make them happy. 

When you’re masturbating, it’s just you.  There is no soft touch.  No deep kisses.  No inhalation of that sneaky pheromone that says “be mine”.  It wasn’t a team effort by any means.  No one is desiring you.  You aren’t appealing to anyone. You provided no pleasure to anyone.  It can turn into a real ugly scene real quick.  It can make one cry after reaching climax; on her own.  

Finding myself thinking about the land of make believe law of attraction, I have been conflicted as I’m pretty more than certain my life theme is ‘lone’.  I had a dream I was trying to seduce someone because, let’s just say I am hugely sexually attracted to them, and the person was like ‘eh, no thanks.’  So after blabbing the jist of my dream on Facebook, I was greeted with a remark “guess he’s just not that into you.”  I know for certain this was not a personal attack or meant to be taken as ridicule but the only thing I could reply with was “story of my life” and it hurt. It hurt that I felt that way and that it was the truth.  So since I have been getting these frequent signs that say, “don’t bother”, I won’t.  The lack of having control over the situation is aggravating to say the least.  History has shown me that I have been the aggressive one in showing interest or bedding down with someone and I’ll be damned if every time it just turns out to be another asshole.  But I have felt the need to do so because men don’t approach me.  Men don’t flirt with me.  I don’t get asked out.  I don’t get taken on dates.  Sometimes I get a deer in the head lights look from them when I attempt to be friendly and other times, it’s completely dismissed.  

I make a really cool hang out friend I have been told.

Yesterday I had a flash of what I represented to others and it really took me down.  Like a dart gun.  I didn’t even need to verbalize what I saw, I just felt it.  I just ‘knew’.  And then I was just humbled and embarrassed.  A bit ashamed and selfishly petty. 

The fact is, I have been through the ringer.  I have had my life turned upside down and inside out and have come out the other end thinking I can conquer the world, because I am. Yet  I AM scarred.  I do feel damaged.  While I am getting rid of baggage left and right, I still have this carry on that just might not fit in the overhead bin.  The last thing I want to do is to impose my insecurities on someone who doesn’t deserve it. 

I know for a fact that right now, I do not want a relationship.  I am not seeking one, I am not wanting to be attached to someone, I don’t want to feel guilty for not being able to give as much of my time and attention as I would normally.  I don’t want the distraction from my need to make money or compulsion to have a minimum 3.5 GPA. 

This, unfortunately, has not taken away the desire to be with someone.  To admire and be admired.  Someone to chat with every now and then or go out and do something with.  Sex.  I need want sex and while they say it’s much easier for a girl to get laid than a man, uh…. As an educated, self respecting woman, I can’t do that.  Gross. It’s way more about a connection with physical pleasure than just the physical at this point.  It is absolutely a sort of validation I want.  The past couple partners I had, with an eye to a FWB situation, left a sour feeling in me.  Being rejected so many times in a row is a little defeating.

Well, a lot defeating. But when I look at me, from an outside perspective, I’m toxic.  I may as well hang a sign around my neck that says CRAZY! STAY AWAY!!  Everyone knows you don’t just get involved with someone after such a thing as a horrible break up and if you do, you’re just asking for a nightmare.  

I absolutely want to walk into the bakery, buy a slice of the decadent cake and eat it.  I don’t want the whole cake and I don’t want to take it home to stay with me.  I want to savor it as I have it and know it is solidly ok to have cake just for the delight of cake.  What other reason is there for cake? I’m fully capable of handling a slice of cake with out becoming emotionally attached or have expectations out of the cake.  Cake isn’t magic.  It isn’t going to fix things.  Its just a pleasure.  It makes one feel good and it hurts no one.

Except the bakery I visit, they don’t have cake.  No cake at all.  There are cookies and Danish. Dinner rolls and coffee.  But when I approach the cake case, there is none.