Ready for admission

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free.

Blackbird fly Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird fly Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Songwriters: John Lennon / Paul McCartney

 

I know what this song was intended to represent.  There has always been something about this song that whenever I hear it, I absolutely have to stop and close my eyes and listen to it. 

(traffic appropriate of course)

Civil rights...

 human rights, womanhood,

... me. 

We all seek something, we will never stop.  We all want, we all need, we all desire, its what you do and who you are to garner your wishes you want to come true.  And, as we all know, wishes don't generally come true. (thank goodness). 

They come true to a point but not with YOUR specifics is the weird thing.  

How many times have we heard the "just ask and ye shall receive" line?  Or the terms "manifest destination",  "Law of Attraction"?  

There is that whole silly 'balance' thing in the universe so yeah, you can get what you want but do you want it?

 

My most recent epiphany was realizing I can go after the things I want.  Not just the stupid degree for a stupid better paying job that won't leave me a drone, but for everything.  The other part of that is feeling confident enough to realize not only can I actually do that but also know more specifically what I want AND to be able to have enough confidence back that was stripped of me to go get it.  My obligation isn't to some "family" anymore that didn't give a shit either way if I was there making a home.  Not to some asshole who felt (and said as much) that I was there to serve him.  I'm not going to pretend I have everything figured out but I finally feel that I have worked through enough to know I don't deserve to be treated like shit.  Like as a wandering cheerleader for someone else. 

 

I am so amazed at how far I have come and how I represent now.  

Because of this, I make these impulsive decisions that I can feel good about. It's not a matter of justification, its relearning to listen to instinct.  

I'm not even going to pretend I'm not an over-thinker, that's who I am.  It's called "management" in my book.  I've had a fucking lifetime of it, just not for practical life.  I can deal with drug addicts and alcoholics better than I can with everyday society, literally, they are more real to me.  So, in an attempt to just let shit go, I just smile and nod at the general populace and extend my never ending patience.  I mean really, why get pissed off?  I don't know their troubles...

So I got that covered.

 

Now I feel like I'm moving into new territory and I feel like I have TOO much confidence.  To say I feel I might be attractive to someone? To feel sexual? To feel like I have anything to offer? It's all yes, yes, yes and no, no, no.  I suppose it keeps me from being an asshole.  

 

a year and a half single.  Nothing, Nada.

No dates, no invitations, no anything special at all. A couple assholes you meet on online dating sites which really are "I'm here to get laid" sites.  (so absolutely done with that bullshit,organic for me please) 

All of a sudden I am feeling this pull to companionship and I don't know how to handle it. Dating CLEARLY isn't dating anymore.  I haven't been asked out proper during this time.  That boy hasn't picked up the phone to literally talk to me.  As much as I am a feminist, I never pretended to be a dominant. But apparently during the past 8 years or so, times have become such that I not only have to own myself but also be aggressive in dating as well?  Honestly, I thought I was already....

It's not like I'm a wallflower but shit, this is ridiculous. My experience completely, has been boys just show up and girls do ALL the work.  The only explanation is, no one feels you're worth making the effort to step up to you.

 

And apparently the sex thing is confusing as hell.  What the hell is someone with a high libido supposed to do? I'm in a year dry spell and what I want to do is enjoy that aspect without A) looking like a slut they refuse to respect or B) making a man feel if we become intimate it's all or nothing. 

I've come to the point where I want what anyone wants.  I want a best friend I can have awesome sex with.  I want the companionship of comfort and enough static to make manners.  I want to watch that shitty movie while drinking and laughing with someone.  I want to let that someone know, I am solid for anything they need. I want the feedback that says, "I was thinking about you too".   I want to be respected and not invalidated ... ever again. I want to be able to speak my mind on my feelings as everyone else does and not feel self conscience about what they may feel about it.  I want....

To get to know someone intimately that also wants that from me.  and not pretend as in, "I'll do this only because I want to fuck you". Because personally, I need intimacy with my fucking, sorry.  I'm a bullshit detector, I see it too much.

Someone who isn't afraid of labels.

A man to tell me what is on his mind about me without being a dick about it but at the same time, be respectful.  It really isn't all or nothing, It's sex and companionship.

Not either ~ or.

The really stupid thing? 

Trying to find a man I'm attracted to, to be with, was a lot less complicated when I was younger.  Now, if I want physical touch on my skin, I feel like I have to spend so much of an investment just to find out he didn't care about it anyway.  And, I'm over 40. Go figure. 

Well I do.  And I don't go running into the very next relationship to figure that out.  Ever.  Because I don't need someone else to make me happy ultimately.  I don't need a caretaker.  I don't need someone to be my slave/cheerleader. I can take my time.  I am not a predator.  I don't have this inane need for control over others.  

but for fucks sake is it too much to want to be acknowledged at least?

Maybe his last one was a "one in a million"  for various "crazybitch" reasons but you know what?

I'm more than that. 

I refuse to be treated as anything less. 

I have all kinds of patience.  What I don't have....

well I can't wait to write about it when I get it and don't have to wonder about it anymore.

In the meantime, 

Say what you need to say. 

To anyone you need to say it to. 

Just be real.