This isn't about projection. I wish it was. That would imply I am wanting something for personal gain from someone. That I am being selfish and controlling. It's just an ability to read people that not everyone shares. And it sucks.
I'm learning everyday, more and more, little by little, to bite my tongue and keep my opinions to myself about misleading behaviors brought to me by others. It's not my place in the world to call people out for being ridiculous or to tell them their ego needs a bit of lightening up. I figure that is their issue or problem, not mine I have the ability to allow it to happen to me or to walk away and I am learning to do so without feeling I need to spout out a final 'wind beneath my wings fuck you' lecture on how I feel and why I matter to those that clearly don't care nor see things the way I do. Even with continued denial to themselves, as uncomfortable and sad as it may be, I can't continue to try to feel like others need to know they have disrespected me or themselves. The thing is, if you haven't figured out by now how to just be a good and decent person, it's not going to come from me telling you.
I keep running into these combative people lately and I find myself just taking in their wounded ways of dealing with things and not taking it personal. I think really its about time I am able to do this instead of feeling like I can help others or guide gently. No one likes to feel invalidated or to be told what they are feeling is wrong. Believe me, as a victim of that sort of treatment for years, I fully understand the value of holding space for others. It has become something that pulses through me most every waking hour now.
I don't want to know why people do what they do anymore. I am beginning to feel their own confused ideas of their own agendas only clouds my ability to not stand in judgement of them. I don't want to give unsolicited advice to someone who sees it as a threat or me being self righteous. I just want to be that person who can hold space for others, no matter who, no matter what.
This means being there for them. Listening without judgement. caring for others and letting them know that I DO care. That I am thinking of them with only good intentions. That I am able to be trusted and have the ability to go to the mat for them. This also means I spend more time telling those around me how I feel, and any intentions/inclinations I might have. I think a certain level of honesty can be too much for some and I'm ok with that because its likely if they are offended or intimidated by me, they don't need to be a part of my life anyway.
My ability to allow this has increased by leaps and bounds and my peace within has grown as well in ways I could never have imagined.
I have had a rough month. A very rough month as far as being emotional and having this deep rage that burned so deep within, I didn't know that it would ever leave. I know a large part of it was removing medication from my ability to cope with the world but having being prepared for that, I feel I was better able to at least contain my aggressive nature to my immediate self. In part having to be reminded every fucking Christmas day of the memory of my mothers old high school boyfriend, I had JUST recently met and became friends with, showing up at my door that morning, phone in had with my bitch of a grandmother on the other end saying "Melissa, it's grandma" and knowing instantly with nothing more being said, my mother was no more.
Then one day last week I had a fierce breakdown. Just everything I touched and everyone I talked to turned to shit and I was just. Done. The kids stayed quiet with their doors open to hear my colorful words flying all over the kitchen and the dogs stayed clear of the path of the beast pacing the kitchen. I apologized to them later and explained it wasn't personal, I was having a very bad time and frustration had taken over. To which my son replied with "I'm sorry your are having such a hard time mom, I hope you feel better soon." Cue more tears, this time out of love instead of anger.
The next day at work, I fell and I fell hard on my knees. I felt this incredible amount of wicked rage well up inside of me and my skin burned hot with the prickled heat of wanting justice. I had this tunnel vision and wanted nothing more but to destroy by my own hand every fucking thing around me. I slammed my hands down repeatedly on the concrete floor and forced the welling in my eyes to be evaporated by the hot nuclear ball of energy I had inside of my heart. I felt the pain in my hands and wrists. My skin stinging and the image of me on the floor throwing a fit like a toddler left me in a state of numbness. So I caved. I just stopped. I voided my head of feelings and not unlike a robot I just got up and went back to do what I had just done again, but this time not landing on my knees harshly. It was like a fever breaking and from then on, I was just relieved of my fierceness and feeling out of control. It was an epiphany handed to me without fanfare and it gave me my smile back.
I was able to provide my children with a decent holiday, we had an intimate dinner by ourselves and had the addition of my daughter's boyfriend. I made special gifts for my co workers who have helped me grow and assisted in my increasingly bountiful clientele and I have been able to just appreciate life for all it is and stop wanting what I know its not. Figuring out what I do want and how I can go about having certain things in my world, not at the expense of others and not expecting others to provide that for me. I never was a very superficial person at all but being able to reflect on others in my life with their own ideas of ridiculous sense of entitlement has left me feeling less guilty about wanting the simple things I do want for myself, for my family, for the world around me.
I took last semester off of school to better deal with the things I had going on at the time and I am glad I did. I am getting back to a full schedule this week and I am relieved I was able to take care of my list of deeds so I will be better able to focus on my studies. I'm addressing my own needs and desires to have and keep certain people in my life and letting them know in no uncertain terms, how much they are loved and respected by me. It has become so important to me to make sure I am able to orate in some manner, always respectable and always from a place of love, the honest truth but not to lay it on others as a mechanism for control.
Because I want to lead by example and I don't want others to feel they have to hide behind denial in their own feelings and agendas.
I can and I will walk away from this version of lying to me because I owe no one anything and they in return, owe me nothing.
In the meantime, honesty and being real will always be met with me holding space for you, everyone deserves that.
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