Last night I found myself acting out of aggression and frustration and it has been so long since I have exhibited this sort of behavior, I'm still upset.
So of course this came after a few drinks, mixing liquors and not feeling the assault of the loss of inhibitions. The thing is, I know what set me off and I tried to make my case against a thing I was being accused of. In all honesty, I don't think I was in the wrong. I still don't.
I endured a long term relationship with a boy who always had to have his way. When he didn't get that way, he bitched. He would take extra effort to make sure that the decision I had made, that he did not, was an epic failure. Even if I already felt bad about making the 'bad decision'. Then he would turn around and get angry because I refused to make any more decisions about something that was so clearly his field.
So in the scenario last evening, it was a point made that I wanted something the other person did not. I wanted to share a weekend, a fun experience and while I was told it wasn't his thing, I persisted to try to sell the idea. Cause I wasn't getting my way. I got called out for it but I didn't feel it was necessarily handled the right way either in the scolding or in how I handled it. And then I remember that when this event happened, I was basically lied to. A vague promise to try to attend and then a flat out lie of "I didn't know" which turned into me being accused of basically bullying him into this thing when I clearly did not. I accepted the decision, hurt and disappointed, I had every right to feel that way but I didn't deserve to be told I forced the issue.
So there I am, still sitting with this ache of how words got twisted and accusations were made that weren't warranted, I'm being told I won't let it go and..... there are margaritas on the table. After two whiskey cocktails and a Bloody Mary prior. I felt hostile and arrogant and I was upset over what I felt was a lack of sensitivity to my sensitive nature. I became, an asshole.
I keep replaying the stupid things I was thinking and saying and wondering where it all was coming from. Why I was lashing out at this person in retaliation who was himself retaliating. I got so hell bent on trying to stand my ground that I didn't realize the ground was really just water I was treading. Poorly at that. And I want to take it all back.
There may have been a time in my past where I would have just felt more self righteous with my decision to be an asshole, like I finally deserve to get to be that way justly some how, but now it leaves this taste of regret and bitter shallowness in my body. I always wanted to be that better woman who stood up for herself, who didn't let others walk all over her or have another man try to dictate what my emotions should or should not be and it's been a lifetime of trying to figure out how to be that woman. With no role models its been a sketchy path. I find myself watching myself as I grow and try to find that balance and at some times I feel I am leaps and bounds from 3 years ago but at other times just not much has changed since I was 18.
It's been over two years and while I dabbled in dating here and there, I found someone that I admire and look up to. Someone who is incredibly attractive, smart, funny, a smart ass like me and like he always says "clearly we like spending time with each other". I flew into this with no expectations because we had tried dating prior and he said something that I took offense to one night as I was leaving, after taking him out to dinner for his birthday which I chalked up to too much booze, but when we went out again after that, I felt his interest in me had seriously declined. So when he contacted me again, I was pretty set for yet another guy friend to hang out with for the afternoon. But it didn't go that way. It went a way I wasn't expecting at all.
Up until yesterday I didn't question anything about 'us'. It's all very natural and I have to assume he won't be sticking around so I've just been enjoying it for what it is. And its been great. But what I didn't count on are the feelings that come with it all. The inadequacy I began to feel. And I don't know what to do about it.
I have been working so hard on loving myself that I put up these walls of protection. So I find myself standing behind these walls and screaming for attention, love, signs of desire. Trying to be vulnerable for me is akin to feeling like walking directly into a bear trap. I think up until this point I've handled it very well. I've been able to be open and share myself coming from a place of love and integrity but all it took was one tiff to make me doubt who I was.
I don't want to wonder if I am up to someone else's expectations anymore. I did that for too many years for an asshole who just didn't want to be alone.
THIS is what emotional abuse does to someone.
He may not hit you but the scars are forever.
Wednesday, August 30, 2017
Friday, June 30, 2017
Terms for living
Normally when I sit down to write a post I might have a glass or two of wine, perhaps a margarita or a double shot of whiskey to nurse as I ease into my collective thoughts and try to relax with who I am and what I am trying to say. Weed isn't really a go to for writing because..... shiny things.
At the beginning of this month I was, to quote at least one doctor, "in dying mode" and things have been different since.
Not like dramatic I'm-now-a-vegan-and-peace-be-with-you-saint, but more humble. More angry. More selfish. More empathetic. More chronic pain and exhaustion. Literally, more bitchy with a shorter temper. More thoughtful and more willing to ignore what I now deem a 'waste'.
When I was 21 my mother got a call from California that my father died. He was 47. I can count on one hand the times I remember spending with my dad but he was always a there/not there presence in my life as many non-participant fathers are in their daughters lives. Such a mystery to me the bonds I didn't grasp between dad and daughter. Like having a sibling that was mentally/physically handicapped, it was so foreign to me to try to understand what it was 'supposed' to be like to have average. Normal. I did know he drank. A lot. Drug use, likely. What I didn't understand at the time of his death was he was ONLY 47 and he had cirrhosis.
I was violently ill for a week at the beginning of this month and tried to work a couple of days which only kept me down further for exerting myself. No insurance and limited funds with a sense of "this too shall pass" kept me from visiting a doctor to rule out infection that was surely thriving under the 102.5 fever I rocked for four days. The fever passing, the chills abating I went about my life as usual until two days later when I was forced to admit I HAD to go to an urgent care that Saturday for the amount of blood that was in my urine, the exhaustion I was feeling, the fever that wouldn't go and the chills that wouldn't stop. Diagnosed with a urinary tract infection, that I really didn't think I had, I was given a prescription for antibiotics and sent on my way.
Antibiotics that I had a severe reaction to that I forgot about a few years prior.
Now normally I wouldn't forget something as severe as this but mind you, I had a fever for a week, little sleep, mentally I was breaking down, a lot of confusion.
I awoke on the following Monday and knew that with the onset of barely being able to walk, I had to drive myself to the emergency room. Before it was going to get worse.
I listed to triage my symptoms, the schedule of events as they had been happening, the medications I was taking, was prescribed and what I thought was going on. It was like being cross examined and at the same time finding my blood pressure was 70 over 80 causing the staff to wonder if the machine was broke or maybe check it for a fourth time. Admitted with remarks as "kidney trauma" due to the blood in my urine, possible gastrointestinal distress due to the chronic cramping stomach pain, vomiting and diarrhea I had been having and even had remarks made to me of 'withdrawal symptoms' as with using an array of unknown cold medicines and stomach medication, I had meth show in my toxicology screen. I cried instantly given how adamantly opposed I have always been about the drug itself and my mothers history with abusing it.
By the time I was being admitted my tremors were uncontrollable and almost seizure like, there were hallucinations and I could not walk on my own. My lymph nodes in my throat were so swollen I could barely swallow and anything that had any flavor burned like acid coated razor blades in my entire mouth. When I went to use the restroom, I had tears come for the pain that burned like nothing I had ever felt before just from urinating.
Umpteen bags of i.v. fluids and just as many bags of antibiotics would ensue over the next six days along with blood draws every two hours, making me drink this horrid potassium chloride every few hours (really wasn't that bad, it just was the burning and the pain with swallowing I found later). It was noticed I was developing jaundice with yellowing of the eyes and I was talked to about my liver enzymes being just over 500 while 'danger' zone levels begin at 200. Ultrasounds, brain scans, MRI's and 5 specialists such as neurologist, rheumatologist, gastroenterologist, so much blood work.... and none could say for sure what the hell was happening to me. I developed edema so painful in my legs I had to have morphine every three hours and had to request assistance to use the toilet as I was a risk factor for falling being that I was weak and the tremors kept me from being stable. Four days minimum without food of any kind and only able to sip water in tiny amounts. Even things like chicken broth burned like acid and I could barely open my mouth to attempt to eat mashed potatoes when food was offered. The good news? The antibiotics I was being given over the ones I was allergic to were actually working. Little by little I was feeling better. Less shaking. Less pain. Less hallucinations. Better able to support myself walking and feeling that desire to just fucking get through this. As this whole time this is occurring, I am missing two weeks of work. No insurance, no paid days off, no reserve money, so much stress and heaviness... I had no choice but to get better and get out of there just to go back to work so I could survive.
I narrowly missed having a liver biopsy that I was scared to death to have, which now I wish I would have had because now I have to play the insurance game and not only get approved for insurance through the state but have a referral to a specialist to get this accomplished. I was released on the sixth day with liver enzyme levels being at 200. None could say for certain what was going on with my body but labeled as a 'post viral infection' with possible liver disease brought on by acetaminophen toxicity from the cold and flu meds I was pumping into myself. I lost 20 pounds in three weeks that not only can I not gain back but am slowly still losing more. I now only have pins and needles as a pain feeling in my legs and feet from the knees down. I have a constricted chest breathe that causes almost a level of panic from the pain I receive taking deep breaths or yawning. I develop edema in my legs from standing and I walk like a 70 year old woman because of the pain that is chronic. At times like walking with a charley horse. Sciatic pain that stops me cold with a sharp inhalation of my body saying "DON'T DO THAT MOVE THING" and I have lost over half of my hair. It literally slides off my body and I fear touching it for more loss. Every joint in my body a swollen pain center. Restless sleep that I get out of bed for just because I can't lay there in pain any more. Issues with regulating my body temperature and a noticeable loss of muscle mass.
I can't even take an Ibuprofen to calm my inflammation.
Major life changes are going to be happening. Are happening and I don't know exactly where I am going or what I will be doing but listening to my instincts is a definite. I feel like I awoke with a stronger sense of anti-bullshit tolerance. I am seeing people I thought were one way, in a totally different light. I am standing up for myself more and extending myself differently. I am less tolerant of being a convenience and I am so very much over being walked on. Again, scrolling through facebook memories, I am confronted with YEARS of being miserable with someone I assumed loved me and supported me and even seeing his comments of self righteousness and making me feel like I was the one to blame for not being enough, doing enough.... it makes me feel violent. So angry I was treated that way for so long. That not only I allowed it but allowed myself to be gas lighted. At work I am a new force to be reckoned with. I am not allowing people to take advantage of my good nature anymore. In social I am leaving behind those that are emotionally unavailable because I am so tired of extending patience to those that can't even respect themselves.
I'll be there should it be needed but I refuse to be taken for granted anymore.
I'm not ready to die and I would like to start living on MY terms for once instead of everyone else's.
At the beginning of this month I was, to quote at least one doctor, "in dying mode" and things have been different since.
Not like dramatic I'm-now-a-vegan-and-peace-be-with-you-saint, but more humble. More angry. More selfish. More empathetic. More chronic pain and exhaustion. Literally, more bitchy with a shorter temper. More thoughtful and more willing to ignore what I now deem a 'waste'.
When I was 21 my mother got a call from California that my father died. He was 47. I can count on one hand the times I remember spending with my dad but he was always a there/not there presence in my life as many non-participant fathers are in their daughters lives. Such a mystery to me the bonds I didn't grasp between dad and daughter. Like having a sibling that was mentally/physically handicapped, it was so foreign to me to try to understand what it was 'supposed' to be like to have average. Normal. I did know he drank. A lot. Drug use, likely. What I didn't understand at the time of his death was he was ONLY 47 and he had cirrhosis.
I was violently ill for a week at the beginning of this month and tried to work a couple of days which only kept me down further for exerting myself. No insurance and limited funds with a sense of "this too shall pass" kept me from visiting a doctor to rule out infection that was surely thriving under the 102.5 fever I rocked for four days. The fever passing, the chills abating I went about my life as usual until two days later when I was forced to admit I HAD to go to an urgent care that Saturday for the amount of blood that was in my urine, the exhaustion I was feeling, the fever that wouldn't go and the chills that wouldn't stop. Diagnosed with a urinary tract infection, that I really didn't think I had, I was given a prescription for antibiotics and sent on my way.
Antibiotics that I had a severe reaction to that I forgot about a few years prior.
Now normally I wouldn't forget something as severe as this but mind you, I had a fever for a week, little sleep, mentally I was breaking down, a lot of confusion.
I awoke on the following Monday and knew that with the onset of barely being able to walk, I had to drive myself to the emergency room. Before it was going to get worse.
I listed to triage my symptoms, the schedule of events as they had been happening, the medications I was taking, was prescribed and what I thought was going on. It was like being cross examined and at the same time finding my blood pressure was 70 over 80 causing the staff to wonder if the machine was broke or maybe check it for a fourth time. Admitted with remarks as "kidney trauma" due to the blood in my urine, possible gastrointestinal distress due to the chronic cramping stomach pain, vomiting and diarrhea I had been having and even had remarks made to me of 'withdrawal symptoms' as with using an array of unknown cold medicines and stomach medication, I had meth show in my toxicology screen. I cried instantly given how adamantly opposed I have always been about the drug itself and my mothers history with abusing it.
By the time I was being admitted my tremors were uncontrollable and almost seizure like, there were hallucinations and I could not walk on my own. My lymph nodes in my throat were so swollen I could barely swallow and anything that had any flavor burned like acid coated razor blades in my entire mouth. When I went to use the restroom, I had tears come for the pain that burned like nothing I had ever felt before just from urinating.
Umpteen bags of i.v. fluids and just as many bags of antibiotics would ensue over the next six days along with blood draws every two hours, making me drink this horrid potassium chloride every few hours (really wasn't that bad, it just was the burning and the pain with swallowing I found later). It was noticed I was developing jaundice with yellowing of the eyes and I was talked to about my liver enzymes being just over 500 while 'danger' zone levels begin at 200. Ultrasounds, brain scans, MRI's and 5 specialists such as neurologist, rheumatologist, gastroenterologist, so much blood work.... and none could say for sure what the hell was happening to me. I developed edema so painful in my legs I had to have morphine every three hours and had to request assistance to use the toilet as I was a risk factor for falling being that I was weak and the tremors kept me from being stable. Four days minimum without food of any kind and only able to sip water in tiny amounts. Even things like chicken broth burned like acid and I could barely open my mouth to attempt to eat mashed potatoes when food was offered. The good news? The antibiotics I was being given over the ones I was allergic to were actually working. Little by little I was feeling better. Less shaking. Less pain. Less hallucinations. Better able to support myself walking and feeling that desire to just fucking get through this. As this whole time this is occurring, I am missing two weeks of work. No insurance, no paid days off, no reserve money, so much stress and heaviness... I had no choice but to get better and get out of there just to go back to work so I could survive.
I narrowly missed having a liver biopsy that I was scared to death to have, which now I wish I would have had because now I have to play the insurance game and not only get approved for insurance through the state but have a referral to a specialist to get this accomplished. I was released on the sixth day with liver enzyme levels being at 200. None could say for certain what was going on with my body but labeled as a 'post viral infection' with possible liver disease brought on by acetaminophen toxicity from the cold and flu meds I was pumping into myself. I lost 20 pounds in three weeks that not only can I not gain back but am slowly still losing more. I now only have pins and needles as a pain feeling in my legs and feet from the knees down. I have a constricted chest breathe that causes almost a level of panic from the pain I receive taking deep breaths or yawning. I develop edema in my legs from standing and I walk like a 70 year old woman because of the pain that is chronic. At times like walking with a charley horse. Sciatic pain that stops me cold with a sharp inhalation of my body saying "DON'T DO THAT MOVE THING" and I have lost over half of my hair. It literally slides off my body and I fear touching it for more loss. Every joint in my body a swollen pain center. Restless sleep that I get out of bed for just because I can't lay there in pain any more. Issues with regulating my body temperature and a noticeable loss of muscle mass.
I can't even take an Ibuprofen to calm my inflammation.
Major life changes are going to be happening. Are happening and I don't know exactly where I am going or what I will be doing but listening to my instincts is a definite. I feel like I awoke with a stronger sense of anti-bullshit tolerance. I am seeing people I thought were one way, in a totally different light. I am standing up for myself more and extending myself differently. I am less tolerant of being a convenience and I am so very much over being walked on. Again, scrolling through facebook memories, I am confronted with YEARS of being miserable with someone I assumed loved me and supported me and even seeing his comments of self righteousness and making me feel like I was the one to blame for not being enough, doing enough.... it makes me feel violent. So angry I was treated that way for so long. That not only I allowed it but allowed myself to be gas lighted. At work I am a new force to be reckoned with. I am not allowing people to take advantage of my good nature anymore. In social I am leaving behind those that are emotionally unavailable because I am so tired of extending patience to those that can't even respect themselves.
I'll be there should it be needed but I refuse to be taken for granted anymore.
I'm not ready to die and I would like to start living on MY terms for once instead of everyone else's.
Friday, May 12, 2017
I've been given the scraps.
"No need to wait around for scraps that resemble affection from him."
I read this article this morning about emotionally unavailable people and there was this line that made me stop dead. One of those 'smack you in the face' epiphanies that is most certainly a "duh" moment but you but you had never FELT it before.
I know this is what I have been doing. I have been guilty of this for a long time and as expected, it hasn't gotten me far in emotional intimacy at all. So eager to just have a moment of recognition, willing to accept anything casually dropped to me as I sit at their feet patiently.
Like a good little submissive.
Going through the cycles of being desired and admired to being cut off completely almost instantaneously but being left a pat on the head as a reflection of what a good girl I am. The pat on the head that says "thank you for giving me what I needed." and for some reason this has spoken to me to mean "you will be rewarded with what you crave from me.... at some point."
I am a patient woman.
Clearly, to a fault of my own.
As I sit and smile and think about how I don't want to be an imposition. About how strong the feeling of rejection is and I would rather taste the moments of psuedo affection and caring over the cold door of dismissal. Because I've worked to come so far to recover from a lack of self confidence that it would be nice to find someone that also, thinks I'm an asset to their lives. To have that deep connection of touch that transcends physical that I miss and crave so much. Some are so clever to be able to provide that but its confusing to not have anything more that comes with it. It's eating without being able to taste. Drinking without satisfying the thirst.
I developed a crush and found trying to be satisfied with the little hits wasn't enough and like a mature woman, I realized at the end of the evenings, it was me hanging on a line the whole time. I wasn't known. I wasn't even paying attention to the fact that I don't answer questions about my own life because they weren't being asked. A giggle and a warm body were what I were. I wanted to be that though. I still do.
I want more for me.
I want more for me and I don't ask for it because I think somewhere deep down I am wanting this fairy tale of mutual attraction. Mutual attraction and I want us to be able to speak on it as an unspoken understanding.
You won't find that with the emotionally unavailable. No matter how much you think there is a strong mutual attraction. Because I'm wrong for thinking it was ever remotely mutual in the first place.
So I've set aside the feelings that tell me I should go after what I want. I've done enough to read the signs returned they shall not be pursued. I respect that and chalk it up to more likely, I just have let my cravings take over. It's not real. It's not special if the scraps you are being given, are also handed out so freely to others.
I deserve more. I want more.
I shouldn't have to go daily wondering when I already know the answer. False hope.
It's difficult letting go of a crush, because it was always a fantasy to begin with.
Eating scraps, however, is degrading.
I read this article this morning about emotionally unavailable people and there was this line that made me stop dead. One of those 'smack you in the face' epiphanies that is most certainly a "duh" moment but you but you had never FELT it before.
I know this is what I have been doing. I have been guilty of this for a long time and as expected, it hasn't gotten me far in emotional intimacy at all. So eager to just have a moment of recognition, willing to accept anything casually dropped to me as I sit at their feet patiently.
Like a good little submissive.
Going through the cycles of being desired and admired to being cut off completely almost instantaneously but being left a pat on the head as a reflection of what a good girl I am. The pat on the head that says "thank you for giving me what I needed." and for some reason this has spoken to me to mean "you will be rewarded with what you crave from me.... at some point."
I am a patient woman.
Clearly, to a fault of my own.
As I sit and smile and think about how I don't want to be an imposition. About how strong the feeling of rejection is and I would rather taste the moments of psuedo affection and caring over the cold door of dismissal. Because I've worked to come so far to recover from a lack of self confidence that it would be nice to find someone that also, thinks I'm an asset to their lives. To have that deep connection of touch that transcends physical that I miss and crave so much. Some are so clever to be able to provide that but its confusing to not have anything more that comes with it. It's eating without being able to taste. Drinking without satisfying the thirst.
I developed a crush and found trying to be satisfied with the little hits wasn't enough and like a mature woman, I realized at the end of the evenings, it was me hanging on a line the whole time. I wasn't known. I wasn't even paying attention to the fact that I don't answer questions about my own life because they weren't being asked. A giggle and a warm body were what I were. I wanted to be that though. I still do.
I want more for me.
I want more for me and I don't ask for it because I think somewhere deep down I am wanting this fairy tale of mutual attraction. Mutual attraction and I want us to be able to speak on it as an unspoken understanding.
You won't find that with the emotionally unavailable. No matter how much you think there is a strong mutual attraction. Because I'm wrong for thinking it was ever remotely mutual in the first place.
So I've set aside the feelings that tell me I should go after what I want. I've done enough to read the signs returned they shall not be pursued. I respect that and chalk it up to more likely, I just have let my cravings take over. It's not real. It's not special if the scraps you are being given, are also handed out so freely to others.
I deserve more. I want more.
I shouldn't have to go daily wondering when I already know the answer. False hope.
It's difficult letting go of a crush, because it was always a fantasy to begin with.
Eating scraps, however, is degrading.
Thursday, April 6, 2017
It's a good time, I am not however.
I hit a stride and then I kinda fell off.
I hit a stride in the dance of work/school/social that was fluid and productive without killing me and I got a little loose.
As in I had to have a minor surgery the week before spring break. It left me a muddle of a brain and I couldn't focus for anything so naturally I was going to catch up on everything and mostly likely get a head start on the next weeks whatevers because that is what over achievers do.
Clearly I just have delusions I am an over achiever...when I am not over achieving.
Back on track. Back in the saddle. There is work that can't be made up but I was sitting on nothing less than a B anyway so I was/am ok with the loss. Its not the end of the world.
Advisor : You're taking all these classes?
Me: yeah
Advisor : And you're passing?
Me : yeah?
Advisor : You work full time?
Me : yes
Advisor : kids?
Me : Yup. Two teens.
Advisor : And you're passing?
Me: Well I'm single, so I don't have a whole lot of other things going on.
I had a meeting with an advisor last week for my degree plan and if I just keep plugging along, pretty soon I'll be at University still plugging along.
This is how life works for people who grow up with out money or family and devote their lives to others in service. In a way, it's a form of me devoting service to myself finally and a reminder that we don't always get the things in life in the way that we want them. A feeling of gratefulness that I can and am progressing.
Phases come and go and one that repeatedly sticks it's nose in my business is the lonely factor. I get into my groove and I don't have time to stew about how I don't have anyone to share time with. No time to think about how it feels just to have a physical/mental connection. I don't think about the fact I get no attention from anyone. "See? Look Melissa. You don't even have room in your life to entertain someone."
I do something that in the past would have gotten me a scolding because its not the way HE wanted it and I think again, "See Melissa? You have everything how you like it. You do what you want, you have your schedule, you don't have to live in that cringe where you never know if you are in the wrong or not. Why try to find someone who is just gonna screw that up?"
And I hate that it has taken me this long to acknowledge that not everyone will be as demanding of me. I specifically had taken to avoiding dating for the simple fact that I feared after the gushy stage I would be catapulted into another pool of being wrong and not enough with verbal affirmation.
(My Facebook 'memories' are a rich source of flashbacks for being treated like shit.)
I'm not dating. I'm not specifically out there looking for someone. I refuse to do the online nonsense and I'm just flat out being told by the universe that even if I am attracted to someone, they won't be attracted back.
I'm slowly and courageously turning off anything in my head that says "Hey, you're making my ovaries do jumping jacks buddy, let's do something about that!"because even when I tried DESPERATELY to have some sort of bedroom gymnastics with someone for the pure fun of it?..... like it just won't happen.
It's not a viable option.
Not for me, of course.
Apparently I am just trying to sleep with people who are not attracted to me. Well two people. I attempted it twice in the past year. It's not like I'm waving things around. I'm picky and I like who I like, ok?)
Naturally this is a thing that is ego crushing.
So I'm over it. I'm over trying to find a partner bedroom wise and I'm wearing this super heavy parka of insecurity and doubt to keep me weighted down from floating to the surface to check out what else is about.
I'm aware that there is interest around me. I'm not dead. Just not in the mood or attracted or there are red flags or timing is just bad. I don't care if it's looked at as a self fulfilling prophecy, it's what I want now. ME. I've learned to re listen to my instincts and it's paying off like a jackpot. Being an empath doesn't help either, there are people that are just drawn to you because they either feed off of your loving caring or they want to suppress you. As in my experience, both. So I run and I don't entertain these people that cling to trying to find something that they think will bring them happiness or comfort. I'm not alive for that. I am not here to be your blankie in life. Other people are not alive for you to dictate how they love you while you hide behind a delusion of being the greatest ever.
I had a visitor about a week ago come into my work and surprise me. I called him Papa Gary for a bit in my life and it felt really nice to talk to him and see that he seemed to be doing well. It made me smile. He said I genuinely looked happy and he wanted me to tell my kids a message of love and potential for themselves. He almost looked humbled that I was doing so well. Like he didn't expect all of the successes I had listed for ourselves. He wanted me to pass on to my kids a message "Tell them there are still men in this world who don't abandon their families." to which I replied "There are still men in this world who are capable of loving more than themselves and don't have control issues too."
It absolutely got me thinking. Sometimes little things will happen and it can put me into a spin of anxiety or anger because of PTSD out of coming out of an abusive relationship but this was a calm understanding. There was this bubble of trying to figure out certain things of why the Good Christian was the way that he was. This bubble was floating all around me for years, just out of vision, just out of reach and when Papa Gary left, that bubble popped. I saw it clear as day. About being angry at your father's choices in life and how he has done. About resentment and control and selfishness. About trying to make the choices in your life you think your father should have done and making judgements about him for not making the decisions you think he should. It's bitching about how they don't do for you when you haven't don't shit for them. It's an asshole who walks away from his parents because he doesn't want to deal with their mental health that doesn't even really affect him anymore.
I am able to look at it now clearly and see it in black and white. It just makes me shake my head...
Kids. Work. School. Home. Me.
It's a good time to be alone and single.
It's a bad time to try to feel like a sexual creature.
Which I think is a shame cause I look DAMN fine at this point..... taking care of myself with loving myself and all.....
I hit a stride in the dance of work/school/social that was fluid and productive without killing me and I got a little loose.
As in I had to have a minor surgery the week before spring break. It left me a muddle of a brain and I couldn't focus for anything so naturally I was going to catch up on everything and mostly likely get a head start on the next weeks whatevers because that is what over achievers do.
Clearly I just have delusions I am an over achiever...when I am not over achieving.
Back on track. Back in the saddle. There is work that can't be made up but I was sitting on nothing less than a B anyway so I was/am ok with the loss. Its not the end of the world.
Advisor : You're taking all these classes?
Me: yeah
Advisor : And you're passing?
Me : yeah?
Advisor : You work full time?
Me : yes
Advisor : kids?
Me : Yup. Two teens.
Advisor : And you're passing?
Me: Well I'm single, so I don't have a whole lot of other things going on.
I had a meeting with an advisor last week for my degree plan and if I just keep plugging along, pretty soon I'll be at University still plugging along.
This is how life works for people who grow up with out money or family and devote their lives to others in service. In a way, it's a form of me devoting service to myself finally and a reminder that we don't always get the things in life in the way that we want them. A feeling of gratefulness that I can and am progressing.
Phases come and go and one that repeatedly sticks it's nose in my business is the lonely factor. I get into my groove and I don't have time to stew about how I don't have anyone to share time with. No time to think about how it feels just to have a physical/mental connection. I don't think about the fact I get no attention from anyone. "See? Look Melissa. You don't even have room in your life to entertain someone."
I do something that in the past would have gotten me a scolding because its not the way HE wanted it and I think again, "See Melissa? You have everything how you like it. You do what you want, you have your schedule, you don't have to live in that cringe where you never know if you are in the wrong or not. Why try to find someone who is just gonna screw that up?"
And I hate that it has taken me this long to acknowledge that not everyone will be as demanding of me. I specifically had taken to avoiding dating for the simple fact that I feared after the gushy stage I would be catapulted into another pool of being wrong and not enough with verbal affirmation.
(My Facebook 'memories' are a rich source of flashbacks for being treated like shit.)
I'm not dating. I'm not specifically out there looking for someone. I refuse to do the online nonsense and I'm just flat out being told by the universe that even if I am attracted to someone, they won't be attracted back.
I'm slowly and courageously turning off anything in my head that says "Hey, you're making my ovaries do jumping jacks buddy, let's do something about that!"because even when I tried DESPERATELY to have some sort of bedroom gymnastics with someone for the pure fun of it?..... like it just won't happen.
It's not a viable option.
Not for me, of course.
Apparently I am just trying to sleep with people who are not attracted to me. Well two people. I attempted it twice in the past year. It's not like I'm waving things around. I'm picky and I like who I like, ok?)
Naturally this is a thing that is ego crushing.
So I'm over it. I'm over trying to find a partner bedroom wise and I'm wearing this super heavy parka of insecurity and doubt to keep me weighted down from floating to the surface to check out what else is about.
I'm aware that there is interest around me. I'm not dead. Just not in the mood or attracted or there are red flags or timing is just bad. I don't care if it's looked at as a self fulfilling prophecy, it's what I want now. ME. I've learned to re listen to my instincts and it's paying off like a jackpot. Being an empath doesn't help either, there are people that are just drawn to you because they either feed off of your loving caring or they want to suppress you. As in my experience, both. So I run and I don't entertain these people that cling to trying to find something that they think will bring them happiness or comfort. I'm not alive for that. I am not here to be your blankie in life. Other people are not alive for you to dictate how they love you while you hide behind a delusion of being the greatest ever.
I had a visitor about a week ago come into my work and surprise me. I called him Papa Gary for a bit in my life and it felt really nice to talk to him and see that he seemed to be doing well. It made me smile. He said I genuinely looked happy and he wanted me to tell my kids a message of love and potential for themselves. He almost looked humbled that I was doing so well. Like he didn't expect all of the successes I had listed for ourselves. He wanted me to pass on to my kids a message "Tell them there are still men in this world who don't abandon their families." to which I replied "There are still men in this world who are capable of loving more than themselves and don't have control issues too."
It absolutely got me thinking. Sometimes little things will happen and it can put me into a spin of anxiety or anger because of PTSD out of coming out of an abusive relationship but this was a calm understanding. There was this bubble of trying to figure out certain things of why the Good Christian was the way that he was. This bubble was floating all around me for years, just out of vision, just out of reach and when Papa Gary left, that bubble popped. I saw it clear as day. About being angry at your father's choices in life and how he has done. About resentment and control and selfishness. About trying to make the choices in your life you think your father should have done and making judgements about him for not making the decisions you think he should. It's bitching about how they don't do for you when you haven't don't shit for them. It's an asshole who walks away from his parents because he doesn't want to deal with their mental health that doesn't even really affect him anymore.
I am able to look at it now clearly and see it in black and white. It just makes me shake my head...
Kids. Work. School. Home. Me.
It's a good time to be alone and single.
It's a bad time to try to feel like a sexual creature.
Which I think is a shame cause I look DAMN fine at this point..... taking care of myself with loving myself and all.....
Saturday, January 21, 2017
Maybe she's just not into you
Dating now is pretty much the biggest joke of my lifetime. I can't even call it dating. While I'm sure it is just me (in a way I kinda hope it is because, Jesus Christ, if it's like this for most women, I am officially dumbfounded...) it has been truthfully the most disappointing, depressing thing to come along.
...er not come along...
I have not been on one date for over a year. If you were to judge by facebook stalkers, you would assume I have my pick of suitors. I would like to take a second here to clarify that those that ARE local to me, have not ever asked me out. The ones that have, I am clearly not interested in as I have attempted dating before. I cannot express enough, politely, how much disinterest I have in someone who thought I wasn't worth it before. Seriously. This is an insult and I don't understand how it can be viewed as anything but. Then there are these others that like to chat every so often, flirt, let me know they are interested in having my attention but then I got to thinking, "why hasn't this happened?" Like why haven't we met up for drinks or gone out for a hike? How is it we aren't getting to know one another over a late lunch on a Sunday or cheering on the team on a Sunday? Well, because it hasn't been an option.
There is an awful trend emerging around me that I am pretty much pissed off about. It is this weird trend where men don't want to commit to anything. Not even a date. Seriously. But they want all the benefits that come with getting to know someone and falling into a bed. By way of not doing any of the prep work. (Again, I iterate, its likely just me that gets treated this way. Maybe its the desperation they see, I dunno...) I have had more married/attached men attempt to invite me out than I have single/available. Likely because they can be bolder knowing more than likely I will say NO. These other ones? I have no doubt in my mind that were I to just say, hey, come on over to my place, we'll "netflix and chill" and I would have it. Never do they need an initial meeting or personality exchange.
So what happens when I legitimately ask someone to consider the possibility of meeting up for a cocktail or coffee?
I get ignored.
Flat out ignored.
Until a few days later and they need an ego stroked again. As if even at 40+ years old, these boys live in this world where Penthouse Forum actually exists and they too can have a piece of the action.
And I wonder what I did to deserve to be thought of as this. And I see every now and then how that one guy, I really did like at one point so long ago, is the same way. And I wonder why I bother talking to these assholes....
If I'm out and flirting (or lets be honest in my recent history, being embarrassingly, drunkenly, aggressive at throwing myself at someone I assumed was mutually attracted), that's on me. That is mine, I own it. I initiated something I wanted. It has yet to come to any solid fruition but at least it's me saying "I want this, and I know I don't get anything else from you because this is what its about, right here, right now." You can't tell me there isn't a man out there who wouldn't appreciate that about a woman. But the the shitty thing I encounter now, is that not only do men completely expect the impermanence of any given 'relationship' (no matter how fleeting) but also expect the woman to initiate being the fuck-hole aspect of it while respecting their own need for transience.
I've spent the better part of becoming a woman, trying to come into my own of being an independent, strong, smart, charismatic, dynamic creature who prides herself on her ability to communicate, love and understand all with a grain of sand and a hidden critical eye who gets to make these empowering choices of who I do and do not let into my life intimately, while this dude sits here and says, 'yeah, I like that. I'll take what your offering. I mean, I don't REALLY want 'you' per-say, but yeah, sounds cool."
So then I have to come to the realization that I deserve better. I deserve to be acknowledged. Appreciated. And ultimately, it just leaves me angry over all. And then I have to hear about how Mr so and so (who clearly was just waiting for his Penthouse Forum moment) took this pretty thing out for dinner and is looking forward to spending more time with her and I then, at that point, just want to watch the world burn.
Mostly I'm in bliss with how my life is structured right now. I am getting to make plans and to take vacations I never was able to before, (because it wasn't in 'his' interest), I have my home as clean and tidy as I need it. I don't have to tolerate someone else's shitty mood taking over the whole environment and I don't have to sacrifice most of myself anymore. I'm financially stable, I don't rely on anyone to feed my ego about how great I am and I don't have to be fearful of doing, or saying the wrong things.
I recently found an old journal, I thought was empty, but when I opened it up there were pages in it dating from the beginning of 2013, pouring my broken heart out about how I was told I was a horrible person. How 'my' mood affected everyone and how everyone else's shitty attitude was because of me. How I was "barely tolerated". I was given a list of things I was not allowed to feel or believe about 'us' and when I accused him of being a bully and using abusive tactics, I was told that wasn't the case. That he felt he was completely in the right to do this. That I clearly had no idea of what a bully or abuse was. And it hit me like a ton of bricks how awful he really was. What kind of a monster he was to me. How I sat there and cried over wondering what I did and how I could try to fix this. I pondered how he spent all of his time being Mr wonderful to everyone else and came home and treated me like this because I wasn't worshiping him the way HE wanted. I actually asked myself what I was to him because I really didn't know. I felt so angry with myself for being such a fool. For believing it WAS me. For thinking I wasn't doing enough.
It was such a powerful reminder to not ever doubt myself again.
So often now, I am overcome with these feelings of loneliness and missing having that intimacy with someone I appreciate and want to be with, someone who actually wants to spend time with me as well, but it all is worth NOT having just anyone around and sacrificing my worth on some piece of shit asshole.
Then there are days like today. Where it was a difficult, long, trying day at work. When on the way home I just find tears streaming down my cheeks because I know, once again, when I get home, there won't be anyone there to just give me a hug.
Probably have 42 messages from a few jerks who want to get laid (its not like I've put out for over a year, why they think I'm the one to hit up I have NO clue...). Just more opportunities to lift up my head and attempt to talk myself into thinking that maybe one day someone I'm attracted to might be attracted back. And maybe, it will finally be right.
...er not come along...
I have not been on one date for over a year. If you were to judge by facebook stalkers, you would assume I have my pick of suitors. I would like to take a second here to clarify that those that ARE local to me, have not ever asked me out. The ones that have, I am clearly not interested in as I have attempted dating before. I cannot express enough, politely, how much disinterest I have in someone who thought I wasn't worth it before. Seriously. This is an insult and I don't understand how it can be viewed as anything but. Then there are these others that like to chat every so often, flirt, let me know they are interested in having my attention but then I got to thinking, "why hasn't this happened?" Like why haven't we met up for drinks or gone out for a hike? How is it we aren't getting to know one another over a late lunch on a Sunday or cheering on the team on a Sunday? Well, because it hasn't been an option.
There is an awful trend emerging around me that I am pretty much pissed off about. It is this weird trend where men don't want to commit to anything. Not even a date. Seriously. But they want all the benefits that come with getting to know someone and falling into a bed. By way of not doing any of the prep work. (Again, I iterate, its likely just me that gets treated this way. Maybe its the desperation they see, I dunno...) I have had more married/attached men attempt to invite me out than I have single/available. Likely because they can be bolder knowing more than likely I will say NO. These other ones? I have no doubt in my mind that were I to just say, hey, come on over to my place, we'll "netflix and chill" and I would have it. Never do they need an initial meeting or personality exchange.
So what happens when I legitimately ask someone to consider the possibility of meeting up for a cocktail or coffee?
I get ignored.
Flat out ignored.
Until a few days later and they need an ego stroked again. As if even at 40+ years old, these boys live in this world where Penthouse Forum actually exists and they too can have a piece of the action.
And I wonder what I did to deserve to be thought of as this. And I see every now and then how that one guy, I really did like at one point so long ago, is the same way. And I wonder why I bother talking to these assholes....
If I'm out and flirting (or lets be honest in my recent history, being embarrassingly, drunkenly, aggressive at throwing myself at someone I assumed was mutually attracted), that's on me. That is mine, I own it. I initiated something I wanted. It has yet to come to any solid fruition but at least it's me saying "I want this, and I know I don't get anything else from you because this is what its about, right here, right now." You can't tell me there isn't a man out there who wouldn't appreciate that about a woman. But the the shitty thing I encounter now, is that not only do men completely expect the impermanence of any given 'relationship' (no matter how fleeting) but also expect the woman to initiate being the fuck-hole aspect of it while respecting their own need for transience.
I've spent the better part of becoming a woman, trying to come into my own of being an independent, strong, smart, charismatic, dynamic creature who prides herself on her ability to communicate, love and understand all with a grain of sand and a hidden critical eye who gets to make these empowering choices of who I do and do not let into my life intimately, while this dude sits here and says, 'yeah, I like that. I'll take what your offering. I mean, I don't REALLY want 'you' per-say, but yeah, sounds cool."
So then I have to come to the realization that I deserve better. I deserve to be acknowledged. Appreciated. And ultimately, it just leaves me angry over all. And then I have to hear about how Mr so and so (who clearly was just waiting for his Penthouse Forum moment) took this pretty thing out for dinner and is looking forward to spending more time with her and I then, at that point, just want to watch the world burn.
Mostly I'm in bliss with how my life is structured right now. I am getting to make plans and to take vacations I never was able to before, (because it wasn't in 'his' interest), I have my home as clean and tidy as I need it. I don't have to tolerate someone else's shitty mood taking over the whole environment and I don't have to sacrifice most of myself anymore. I'm financially stable, I don't rely on anyone to feed my ego about how great I am and I don't have to be fearful of doing, or saying the wrong things.
I recently found an old journal, I thought was empty, but when I opened it up there were pages in it dating from the beginning of 2013, pouring my broken heart out about how I was told I was a horrible person. How 'my' mood affected everyone and how everyone else's shitty attitude was because of me. How I was "barely tolerated". I was given a list of things I was not allowed to feel or believe about 'us' and when I accused him of being a bully and using abusive tactics, I was told that wasn't the case. That he felt he was completely in the right to do this. That I clearly had no idea of what a bully or abuse was. And it hit me like a ton of bricks how awful he really was. What kind of a monster he was to me. How I sat there and cried over wondering what I did and how I could try to fix this. I pondered how he spent all of his time being Mr wonderful to everyone else and came home and treated me like this because I wasn't worshiping him the way HE wanted. I actually asked myself what I was to him because I really didn't know. I felt so angry with myself for being such a fool. For believing it WAS me. For thinking I wasn't doing enough.
It was such a powerful reminder to not ever doubt myself again.
So often now, I am overcome with these feelings of loneliness and missing having that intimacy with someone I appreciate and want to be with, someone who actually wants to spend time with me as well, but it all is worth NOT having just anyone around and sacrificing my worth on some piece of shit asshole.
Then there are days like today. Where it was a difficult, long, trying day at work. When on the way home I just find tears streaming down my cheeks because I know, once again, when I get home, there won't be anyone there to just give me a hug.
Probably have 42 messages from a few jerks who want to get laid (its not like I've put out for over a year, why they think I'm the one to hit up I have NO clue...). Just more opportunities to lift up my head and attempt to talk myself into thinking that maybe one day someone I'm attracted to might be attracted back. And maybe, it will finally be right.
Sunday, January 1, 2017
My space for you
Sometimes people would rather deny their nature to those who see through whatever they are putting up. It's basically lying. This can be a pretty frustrating thing to have to try to work around, with or against when all I want is the truth. Regardless of already knowing the truth, there is something about watching people squirm with their own denial for whatever reason, that makes me personally uncomfortable for a myriad of reasons. Just state the truth and be done with it. I don't need protecting. I don't want anything from anyone they aren't willing to give of their own free will and to act like you have an edge up on someone in a deceiving way is pretty lame.
This isn't about projection. I wish it was. That would imply I am wanting something for personal gain from someone. That I am being selfish and controlling. It's just an ability to read people that not everyone shares. And it sucks.
I'm learning everyday, more and more, little by little, to bite my tongue and keep my opinions to myself about misleading behaviors brought to me by others. It's not my place in the world to call people out for being ridiculous or to tell them their ego needs a bit of lightening up. I figure that is their issue or problem, not mine I have the ability to allow it to happen to me or to walk away and I am learning to do so without feeling I need to spout out a final 'wind beneath my wings fuck you' lecture on how I feel and why I matter to those that clearly don't care nor see things the way I do. Even with continued denial to themselves, as uncomfortable and sad as it may be, I can't continue to try to feel like others need to know they have disrespected me or themselves. The thing is, if you haven't figured out by now how to just be a good and decent person, it's not going to come from me telling you.
I keep running into these combative people lately and I find myself just taking in their wounded ways of dealing with things and not taking it personal. I think really its about time I am able to do this instead of feeling like I can help others or guide gently. No one likes to feel invalidated or to be told what they are feeling is wrong. Believe me, as a victim of that sort of treatment for years, I fully understand the value of holding space for others. It has become something that pulses through me most every waking hour now.
I don't want to know why people do what they do anymore. I am beginning to feel their own confused ideas of their own agendas only clouds my ability to not stand in judgement of them. I don't want to give unsolicited advice to someone who sees it as a threat or me being self righteous. I just want to be that person who can hold space for others, no matter who, no matter what.
This means being there for them. Listening without judgement. caring for others and letting them know that I DO care. That I am thinking of them with only good intentions. That I am able to be trusted and have the ability to go to the mat for them. This also means I spend more time telling those around me how I feel, and any intentions/inclinations I might have. I think a certain level of honesty can be too much for some and I'm ok with that because its likely if they are offended or intimidated by me, they don't need to be a part of my life anyway.
My ability to allow this has increased by leaps and bounds and my peace within has grown as well in ways I could never have imagined.
I have had a rough month. A very rough month as far as being emotional and having this deep rage that burned so deep within, I didn't know that it would ever leave. I know a large part of it was removing medication from my ability to cope with the world but having being prepared for that, I feel I was better able to at least contain my aggressive nature to my immediate self. In part having to be reminded every fucking Christmas day of the memory of my mothers old high school boyfriend, I had JUST recently met and became friends with, showing up at my door that morning, phone in had with my bitch of a grandmother on the other end saying "Melissa, it's grandma" and knowing instantly with nothing more being said, my mother was no more.
Then one day last week I had a fierce breakdown. Just everything I touched and everyone I talked to turned to shit and I was just. Done. The kids stayed quiet with their doors open to hear my colorful words flying all over the kitchen and the dogs stayed clear of the path of the beast pacing the kitchen. I apologized to them later and explained it wasn't personal, I was having a very bad time and frustration had taken over. To which my son replied with "I'm sorry your are having such a hard time mom, I hope you feel better soon." Cue more tears, this time out of love instead of anger.
The next day at work, I fell and I fell hard on my knees. I felt this incredible amount of wicked rage well up inside of me and my skin burned hot with the prickled heat of wanting justice. I had this tunnel vision and wanted nothing more but to destroy by my own hand every fucking thing around me. I slammed my hands down repeatedly on the concrete floor and forced the welling in my eyes to be evaporated by the hot nuclear ball of energy I had inside of my heart. I felt the pain in my hands and wrists. My skin stinging and the image of me on the floor throwing a fit like a toddler left me in a state of numbness. So I caved. I just stopped. I voided my head of feelings and not unlike a robot I just got up and went back to do what I had just done again, but this time not landing on my knees harshly. It was like a fever breaking and from then on, I was just relieved of my fierceness and feeling out of control. It was an epiphany handed to me without fanfare and it gave me my smile back.
I was able to provide my children with a decent holiday, we had an intimate dinner by ourselves and had the addition of my daughter's boyfriend. I made special gifts for my co workers who have helped me grow and assisted in my increasingly bountiful clientele and I have been able to just appreciate life for all it is and stop wanting what I know its not. Figuring out what I do want and how I can go about having certain things in my world, not at the expense of others and not expecting others to provide that for me. I never was a very superficial person at all but being able to reflect on others in my life with their own ideas of ridiculous sense of entitlement has left me feeling less guilty about wanting the simple things I do want for myself, for my family, for the world around me.
I took last semester off of school to better deal with the things I had going on at the time and I am glad I did. I am getting back to a full schedule this week and I am relieved I was able to take care of my list of deeds so I will be better able to focus on my studies. I'm addressing my own needs and desires to have and keep certain people in my life and letting them know in no uncertain terms, how much they are loved and respected by me. It has become so important to me to make sure I am able to orate in some manner, always respectable and always from a place of love, the honest truth but not to lay it on others as a mechanism for control.
Because I want to lead by example and I don't want others to feel they have to hide behind denial in their own feelings and agendas.
I can and I will walk away from this version of lying to me because I owe no one anything and they in return, owe me nothing.
In the meantime, honesty and being real will always be met with me holding space for you, everyone deserves that.
This isn't about projection. I wish it was. That would imply I am wanting something for personal gain from someone. That I am being selfish and controlling. It's just an ability to read people that not everyone shares. And it sucks.
I'm learning everyday, more and more, little by little, to bite my tongue and keep my opinions to myself about misleading behaviors brought to me by others. It's not my place in the world to call people out for being ridiculous or to tell them their ego needs a bit of lightening up. I figure that is their issue or problem, not mine I have the ability to allow it to happen to me or to walk away and I am learning to do so without feeling I need to spout out a final 'wind beneath my wings fuck you' lecture on how I feel and why I matter to those that clearly don't care nor see things the way I do. Even with continued denial to themselves, as uncomfortable and sad as it may be, I can't continue to try to feel like others need to know they have disrespected me or themselves. The thing is, if you haven't figured out by now how to just be a good and decent person, it's not going to come from me telling you.
I keep running into these combative people lately and I find myself just taking in their wounded ways of dealing with things and not taking it personal. I think really its about time I am able to do this instead of feeling like I can help others or guide gently. No one likes to feel invalidated or to be told what they are feeling is wrong. Believe me, as a victim of that sort of treatment for years, I fully understand the value of holding space for others. It has become something that pulses through me most every waking hour now.
I don't want to know why people do what they do anymore. I am beginning to feel their own confused ideas of their own agendas only clouds my ability to not stand in judgement of them. I don't want to give unsolicited advice to someone who sees it as a threat or me being self righteous. I just want to be that person who can hold space for others, no matter who, no matter what.
This means being there for them. Listening without judgement. caring for others and letting them know that I DO care. That I am thinking of them with only good intentions. That I am able to be trusted and have the ability to go to the mat for them. This also means I spend more time telling those around me how I feel, and any intentions/inclinations I might have. I think a certain level of honesty can be too much for some and I'm ok with that because its likely if they are offended or intimidated by me, they don't need to be a part of my life anyway.
My ability to allow this has increased by leaps and bounds and my peace within has grown as well in ways I could never have imagined.
I have had a rough month. A very rough month as far as being emotional and having this deep rage that burned so deep within, I didn't know that it would ever leave. I know a large part of it was removing medication from my ability to cope with the world but having being prepared for that, I feel I was better able to at least contain my aggressive nature to my immediate self. In part having to be reminded every fucking Christmas day of the memory of my mothers old high school boyfriend, I had JUST recently met and became friends with, showing up at my door that morning, phone in had with my bitch of a grandmother on the other end saying "Melissa, it's grandma" and knowing instantly with nothing more being said, my mother was no more.
Then one day last week I had a fierce breakdown. Just everything I touched and everyone I talked to turned to shit and I was just. Done. The kids stayed quiet with their doors open to hear my colorful words flying all over the kitchen and the dogs stayed clear of the path of the beast pacing the kitchen. I apologized to them later and explained it wasn't personal, I was having a very bad time and frustration had taken over. To which my son replied with "I'm sorry your are having such a hard time mom, I hope you feel better soon." Cue more tears, this time out of love instead of anger.
The next day at work, I fell and I fell hard on my knees. I felt this incredible amount of wicked rage well up inside of me and my skin burned hot with the prickled heat of wanting justice. I had this tunnel vision and wanted nothing more but to destroy by my own hand every fucking thing around me. I slammed my hands down repeatedly on the concrete floor and forced the welling in my eyes to be evaporated by the hot nuclear ball of energy I had inside of my heart. I felt the pain in my hands and wrists. My skin stinging and the image of me on the floor throwing a fit like a toddler left me in a state of numbness. So I caved. I just stopped. I voided my head of feelings and not unlike a robot I just got up and went back to do what I had just done again, but this time not landing on my knees harshly. It was like a fever breaking and from then on, I was just relieved of my fierceness and feeling out of control. It was an epiphany handed to me without fanfare and it gave me my smile back.
I was able to provide my children with a decent holiday, we had an intimate dinner by ourselves and had the addition of my daughter's boyfriend. I made special gifts for my co workers who have helped me grow and assisted in my increasingly bountiful clientele and I have been able to just appreciate life for all it is and stop wanting what I know its not. Figuring out what I do want and how I can go about having certain things in my world, not at the expense of others and not expecting others to provide that for me. I never was a very superficial person at all but being able to reflect on others in my life with their own ideas of ridiculous sense of entitlement has left me feeling less guilty about wanting the simple things I do want for myself, for my family, for the world around me.
I took last semester off of school to better deal with the things I had going on at the time and I am glad I did. I am getting back to a full schedule this week and I am relieved I was able to take care of my list of deeds so I will be better able to focus on my studies. I'm addressing my own needs and desires to have and keep certain people in my life and letting them know in no uncertain terms, how much they are loved and respected by me. It has become so important to me to make sure I am able to orate in some manner, always respectable and always from a place of love, the honest truth but not to lay it on others as a mechanism for control.
Because I want to lead by example and I don't want others to feel they have to hide behind denial in their own feelings and agendas.
I can and I will walk away from this version of lying to me because I owe no one anything and they in return, owe me nothing.
In the meantime, honesty and being real will always be met with me holding space for you, everyone deserves that.
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