Dating now is pretty much the biggest joke of my lifetime. I can't even call it dating. While I'm sure it is just me (in a way I kinda hope it is because, Jesus Christ, if it's like this for most women, I am officially dumbfounded...) it has been truthfully the most disappointing, depressing thing to come along.
...er not come along...
I have not been on one date for over a year. If you were to judge by facebook stalkers, you would assume I have my pick of suitors. I would like to take a second here to clarify that those that ARE local to me, have not ever asked me out. The ones that have, I am clearly not interested in as I have attempted dating before. I cannot express enough, politely, how much disinterest I have in someone who thought I wasn't worth it before. Seriously. This is an insult and I don't understand how it can be viewed as anything but. Then there are these others that like to chat every so often, flirt, let me know they are interested in having my attention but then I got to thinking, "why hasn't this happened?" Like why haven't we met up for drinks or gone out for a hike? How is it we aren't getting to know one another over a late lunch on a Sunday or cheering on the team on a Sunday? Well, because it hasn't been an option.
There is an awful trend emerging around me that I am pretty much pissed off about. It is this weird trend where men don't want to commit to anything. Not even a date. Seriously. But they want all the benefits that come with getting to know someone and falling into a bed. By way of not doing any of the prep work. (Again, I iterate, its likely just me that gets treated this way. Maybe its the desperation they see, I dunno...) I have had more married/attached men attempt to invite me out than I have single/available. Likely because they can be bolder knowing more than likely I will say NO. These other ones? I have no doubt in my mind that were I to just say, hey, come on over to my place, we'll "netflix and chill" and I would have it. Never do they need an initial meeting or personality exchange.
So what happens when I legitimately ask someone to consider the possibility of meeting up for a cocktail or coffee?
I get ignored.
Flat out ignored.
Until a few days later and they need an ego stroked again. As if even at 40+ years old, these boys live in this world where Penthouse Forum actually exists and they too can have a piece of the action.
And I wonder what I did to deserve to be thought of as this. And I see every now and then how that one guy, I really did like at one point so long ago, is the same way. And I wonder why I bother talking to these assholes....
If I'm out and flirting (or lets be honest in my recent history, being embarrassingly, drunkenly, aggressive at throwing myself at someone I assumed was mutually attracted), that's on me. That is mine, I own it. I initiated something I wanted. It has yet to come to any solid fruition but at least it's me saying "I want this, and I know I don't get anything else from you because this is what its about, right here, right now." You can't tell me there isn't a man out there who wouldn't appreciate that about a woman. But the the shitty thing I encounter now, is that not only do men completely expect the impermanence of any given 'relationship' (no matter how fleeting) but also expect the woman to initiate being the fuck-hole aspect of it while respecting their own need for transience.
I've spent the better part of becoming a woman, trying to come into my own of being an independent, strong, smart, charismatic, dynamic creature who prides herself on her ability to communicate, love and understand all with a grain of sand and a hidden critical eye who gets to make these empowering choices of who I do and do not let into my life intimately, while this dude sits here and says, 'yeah, I like that. I'll take what your offering. I mean, I don't REALLY want 'you' per-say, but yeah, sounds cool."
So then I have to come to the realization that I deserve better. I deserve to be acknowledged. Appreciated. And ultimately, it just leaves me angry over all. And then I have to hear about how Mr so and so (who clearly was just waiting for his Penthouse Forum moment) took this pretty thing out for dinner and is looking forward to spending more time with her and I then, at that point, just want to watch the world burn.
Mostly I'm in bliss with how my life is structured right now. I am getting to make plans and to take vacations I never was able to before, (because it wasn't in 'his' interest), I have my home as clean and tidy as I need it. I don't have to tolerate someone else's shitty mood taking over the whole environment and I don't have to sacrifice most of myself anymore. I'm financially stable, I don't rely on anyone to feed my ego about how great I am and I don't have to be fearful of doing, or saying the wrong things.
I recently found an old journal, I thought was empty, but when I opened it up there were pages in it dating from the beginning of 2013, pouring my broken heart out about how I was told I was a horrible person. How 'my' mood affected everyone and how everyone else's shitty attitude was because of me. How I was "barely tolerated". I was given a list of things I was not allowed to feel or believe about 'us' and when I accused him of being a bully and using abusive tactics, I was told that wasn't the case. That he felt he was completely in the right to do this. That I clearly had no idea of what a bully or abuse was. And it hit me like a ton of bricks how awful he really was. What kind of a monster he was to me. How I sat there and cried over wondering what I did and how I could try to fix this. I pondered how he spent all of his time being Mr wonderful to everyone else and came home and treated me like this because I wasn't worshiping him the way HE wanted. I actually asked myself what I was to him because I really didn't know. I felt so angry with myself for being such a fool. For believing it WAS me. For thinking I wasn't doing enough.
It was such a powerful reminder to not ever doubt myself again.
So often now, I am overcome with these feelings of loneliness and missing having that intimacy with someone I appreciate and want to be with, someone who actually wants to spend time with me as well, but it all is worth NOT having just anyone around and sacrificing my worth on some piece of shit asshole.
Then there are days like today. Where it was a difficult, long, trying day at work. When on the way home I just find tears streaming down my cheeks because I know, once again, when I get home, there won't be anyone there to just give me a hug.
Probably have 42 messages from a few jerks who want to get laid (its not like I've put out for over a year, why they think I'm the one to hit up I have NO clue...). Just more opportunities to lift up my head and attempt to talk myself into thinking that maybe one day someone I'm attracted to might be attracted back. And maybe, it will finally be right.
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