Dating now is pretty much the biggest joke of my lifetime. I can't even call it dating. While I'm sure it is just me (in a way I kinda hope it is because, Jesus Christ, if it's like this for most women, I am officially dumbfounded...) it has been truthfully the most disappointing, depressing thing to come along.
...er not come along...
I have not been on one date for over a year. If you were to judge by facebook stalkers, you would assume I have my pick of suitors. I would like to take a second here to clarify that those that ARE local to me, have not ever asked me out. The ones that have, I am clearly not interested in as I have attempted dating before. I cannot express enough, politely, how much disinterest I have in someone who thought I wasn't worth it before. Seriously. This is an insult and I don't understand how it can be viewed as anything but. Then there are these others that like to chat every so often, flirt, let me know they are interested in having my attention but then I got to thinking, "why hasn't this happened?" Like why haven't we met up for drinks or gone out for a hike? How is it we aren't getting to know one another over a late lunch on a Sunday or cheering on the team on a Sunday? Well, because it hasn't been an option.
There is an awful trend emerging around me that I am pretty much pissed off about. It is this weird trend where men don't want to commit to anything. Not even a date. Seriously. But they want all the benefits that come with getting to know someone and falling into a bed. By way of not doing any of the prep work. (Again, I iterate, its likely just me that gets treated this way. Maybe its the desperation they see, I dunno...) I have had more married/attached men attempt to invite me out than I have single/available. Likely because they can be bolder knowing more than likely I will say NO. These other ones? I have no doubt in my mind that were I to just say, hey, come on over to my place, we'll "netflix and chill" and I would have it. Never do they need an initial meeting or personality exchange.
So what happens when I legitimately ask someone to consider the possibility of meeting up for a cocktail or coffee?
I get ignored.
Flat out ignored.
Until a few days later and they need an ego stroked again. As if even at 40+ years old, these boys live in this world where Penthouse Forum actually exists and they too can have a piece of the action.
And I wonder what I did to deserve to be thought of as this. And I see every now and then how that one guy, I really did like at one point so long ago, is the same way. And I wonder why I bother talking to these assholes....
If I'm out and flirting (or lets be honest in my recent history, being embarrassingly, drunkenly, aggressive at throwing myself at someone I assumed was mutually attracted), that's on me. That is mine, I own it. I initiated something I wanted. It has yet to come to any solid fruition but at least it's me saying "I want this, and I know I don't get anything else from you because this is what its about, right here, right now." You can't tell me there isn't a man out there who wouldn't appreciate that about a woman. But the the shitty thing I encounter now, is that not only do men completely expect the impermanence of any given 'relationship' (no matter how fleeting) but also expect the woman to initiate being the fuck-hole aspect of it while respecting their own need for transience.
I've spent the better part of becoming a woman, trying to come into my own of being an independent, strong, smart, charismatic, dynamic creature who prides herself on her ability to communicate, love and understand all with a grain of sand and a hidden critical eye who gets to make these empowering choices of who I do and do not let into my life intimately, while this dude sits here and says, 'yeah, I like that. I'll take what your offering. I mean, I don't REALLY want 'you' per-say, but yeah, sounds cool."
So then I have to come to the realization that I deserve better. I deserve to be acknowledged. Appreciated. And ultimately, it just leaves me angry over all. And then I have to hear about how Mr so and so (who clearly was just waiting for his Penthouse Forum moment) took this pretty thing out for dinner and is looking forward to spending more time with her and I then, at that point, just want to watch the world burn.
Mostly I'm in bliss with how my life is structured right now. I am getting to make plans and to take vacations I never was able to before, (because it wasn't in 'his' interest), I have my home as clean and tidy as I need it. I don't have to tolerate someone else's shitty mood taking over the whole environment and I don't have to sacrifice most of myself anymore. I'm financially stable, I don't rely on anyone to feed my ego about how great I am and I don't have to be fearful of doing, or saying the wrong things.
I recently found an old journal, I thought was empty, but when I opened it up there were pages in it dating from the beginning of 2013, pouring my broken heart out about how I was told I was a horrible person. How 'my' mood affected everyone and how everyone else's shitty attitude was because of me. How I was "barely tolerated". I was given a list of things I was not allowed to feel or believe about 'us' and when I accused him of being a bully and using abusive tactics, I was told that wasn't the case. That he felt he was completely in the right to do this. That I clearly had no idea of what a bully or abuse was. And it hit me like a ton of bricks how awful he really was. What kind of a monster he was to me. How I sat there and cried over wondering what I did and how I could try to fix this. I pondered how he spent all of his time being Mr wonderful to everyone else and came home and treated me like this because I wasn't worshiping him the way HE wanted. I actually asked myself what I was to him because I really didn't know. I felt so angry with myself for being such a fool. For believing it WAS me. For thinking I wasn't doing enough.
It was such a powerful reminder to not ever doubt myself again.
So often now, I am overcome with these feelings of loneliness and missing having that intimacy with someone I appreciate and want to be with, someone who actually wants to spend time with me as well, but it all is worth NOT having just anyone around and sacrificing my worth on some piece of shit asshole.
Then there are days like today. Where it was a difficult, long, trying day at work. When on the way home I just find tears streaming down my cheeks because I know, once again, when I get home, there won't be anyone there to just give me a hug.
Probably have 42 messages from a few jerks who want to get laid (its not like I've put out for over a year, why they think I'm the one to hit up I have NO clue...). Just more opportunities to lift up my head and attempt to talk myself into thinking that maybe one day someone I'm attracted to might be attracted back. And maybe, it will finally be right.
Saturday, January 21, 2017
Sunday, January 1, 2017
My space for you
Sometimes people would rather deny their nature to those who see through whatever they are putting up. It's basically lying. This can be a pretty frustrating thing to have to try to work around, with or against when all I want is the truth. Regardless of already knowing the truth, there is something about watching people squirm with their own denial for whatever reason, that makes me personally uncomfortable for a myriad of reasons. Just state the truth and be done with it. I don't need protecting. I don't want anything from anyone they aren't willing to give of their own free will and to act like you have an edge up on someone in a deceiving way is pretty lame.
This isn't about projection. I wish it was. That would imply I am wanting something for personal gain from someone. That I am being selfish and controlling. It's just an ability to read people that not everyone shares. And it sucks.
I'm learning everyday, more and more, little by little, to bite my tongue and keep my opinions to myself about misleading behaviors brought to me by others. It's not my place in the world to call people out for being ridiculous or to tell them their ego needs a bit of lightening up. I figure that is their issue or problem, not mine I have the ability to allow it to happen to me or to walk away and I am learning to do so without feeling I need to spout out a final 'wind beneath my wings fuck you' lecture on how I feel and why I matter to those that clearly don't care nor see things the way I do. Even with continued denial to themselves, as uncomfortable and sad as it may be, I can't continue to try to feel like others need to know they have disrespected me or themselves. The thing is, if you haven't figured out by now how to just be a good and decent person, it's not going to come from me telling you.
I keep running into these combative people lately and I find myself just taking in their wounded ways of dealing with things and not taking it personal. I think really its about time I am able to do this instead of feeling like I can help others or guide gently. No one likes to feel invalidated or to be told what they are feeling is wrong. Believe me, as a victim of that sort of treatment for years, I fully understand the value of holding space for others. It has become something that pulses through me most every waking hour now.
I don't want to know why people do what they do anymore. I am beginning to feel their own confused ideas of their own agendas only clouds my ability to not stand in judgement of them. I don't want to give unsolicited advice to someone who sees it as a threat or me being self righteous. I just want to be that person who can hold space for others, no matter who, no matter what.
This means being there for them. Listening without judgement. caring for others and letting them know that I DO care. That I am thinking of them with only good intentions. That I am able to be trusted and have the ability to go to the mat for them. This also means I spend more time telling those around me how I feel, and any intentions/inclinations I might have. I think a certain level of honesty can be too much for some and I'm ok with that because its likely if they are offended or intimidated by me, they don't need to be a part of my life anyway.
My ability to allow this has increased by leaps and bounds and my peace within has grown as well in ways I could never have imagined.
I have had a rough month. A very rough month as far as being emotional and having this deep rage that burned so deep within, I didn't know that it would ever leave. I know a large part of it was removing medication from my ability to cope with the world but having being prepared for that, I feel I was better able to at least contain my aggressive nature to my immediate self. In part having to be reminded every fucking Christmas day of the memory of my mothers old high school boyfriend, I had JUST recently met and became friends with, showing up at my door that morning, phone in had with my bitch of a grandmother on the other end saying "Melissa, it's grandma" and knowing instantly with nothing more being said, my mother was no more.
Then one day last week I had a fierce breakdown. Just everything I touched and everyone I talked to turned to shit and I was just. Done. The kids stayed quiet with their doors open to hear my colorful words flying all over the kitchen and the dogs stayed clear of the path of the beast pacing the kitchen. I apologized to them later and explained it wasn't personal, I was having a very bad time and frustration had taken over. To which my son replied with "I'm sorry your are having such a hard time mom, I hope you feel better soon." Cue more tears, this time out of love instead of anger.
The next day at work, I fell and I fell hard on my knees. I felt this incredible amount of wicked rage well up inside of me and my skin burned hot with the prickled heat of wanting justice. I had this tunnel vision and wanted nothing more but to destroy by my own hand every fucking thing around me. I slammed my hands down repeatedly on the concrete floor and forced the welling in my eyes to be evaporated by the hot nuclear ball of energy I had inside of my heart. I felt the pain in my hands and wrists. My skin stinging and the image of me on the floor throwing a fit like a toddler left me in a state of numbness. So I caved. I just stopped. I voided my head of feelings and not unlike a robot I just got up and went back to do what I had just done again, but this time not landing on my knees harshly. It was like a fever breaking and from then on, I was just relieved of my fierceness and feeling out of control. It was an epiphany handed to me without fanfare and it gave me my smile back.
I was able to provide my children with a decent holiday, we had an intimate dinner by ourselves and had the addition of my daughter's boyfriend. I made special gifts for my co workers who have helped me grow and assisted in my increasingly bountiful clientele and I have been able to just appreciate life for all it is and stop wanting what I know its not. Figuring out what I do want and how I can go about having certain things in my world, not at the expense of others and not expecting others to provide that for me. I never was a very superficial person at all but being able to reflect on others in my life with their own ideas of ridiculous sense of entitlement has left me feeling less guilty about wanting the simple things I do want for myself, for my family, for the world around me.
I took last semester off of school to better deal with the things I had going on at the time and I am glad I did. I am getting back to a full schedule this week and I am relieved I was able to take care of my list of deeds so I will be better able to focus on my studies. I'm addressing my own needs and desires to have and keep certain people in my life and letting them know in no uncertain terms, how much they are loved and respected by me. It has become so important to me to make sure I am able to orate in some manner, always respectable and always from a place of love, the honest truth but not to lay it on others as a mechanism for control.
Because I want to lead by example and I don't want others to feel they have to hide behind denial in their own feelings and agendas.
I can and I will walk away from this version of lying to me because I owe no one anything and they in return, owe me nothing.
In the meantime, honesty and being real will always be met with me holding space for you, everyone deserves that.
This isn't about projection. I wish it was. That would imply I am wanting something for personal gain from someone. That I am being selfish and controlling. It's just an ability to read people that not everyone shares. And it sucks.
I'm learning everyday, more and more, little by little, to bite my tongue and keep my opinions to myself about misleading behaviors brought to me by others. It's not my place in the world to call people out for being ridiculous or to tell them their ego needs a bit of lightening up. I figure that is their issue or problem, not mine I have the ability to allow it to happen to me or to walk away and I am learning to do so without feeling I need to spout out a final 'wind beneath my wings fuck you' lecture on how I feel and why I matter to those that clearly don't care nor see things the way I do. Even with continued denial to themselves, as uncomfortable and sad as it may be, I can't continue to try to feel like others need to know they have disrespected me or themselves. The thing is, if you haven't figured out by now how to just be a good and decent person, it's not going to come from me telling you.
I keep running into these combative people lately and I find myself just taking in their wounded ways of dealing with things and not taking it personal. I think really its about time I am able to do this instead of feeling like I can help others or guide gently. No one likes to feel invalidated or to be told what they are feeling is wrong. Believe me, as a victim of that sort of treatment for years, I fully understand the value of holding space for others. It has become something that pulses through me most every waking hour now.
I don't want to know why people do what they do anymore. I am beginning to feel their own confused ideas of their own agendas only clouds my ability to not stand in judgement of them. I don't want to give unsolicited advice to someone who sees it as a threat or me being self righteous. I just want to be that person who can hold space for others, no matter who, no matter what.
This means being there for them. Listening without judgement. caring for others and letting them know that I DO care. That I am thinking of them with only good intentions. That I am able to be trusted and have the ability to go to the mat for them. This also means I spend more time telling those around me how I feel, and any intentions/inclinations I might have. I think a certain level of honesty can be too much for some and I'm ok with that because its likely if they are offended or intimidated by me, they don't need to be a part of my life anyway.
My ability to allow this has increased by leaps and bounds and my peace within has grown as well in ways I could never have imagined.
I have had a rough month. A very rough month as far as being emotional and having this deep rage that burned so deep within, I didn't know that it would ever leave. I know a large part of it was removing medication from my ability to cope with the world but having being prepared for that, I feel I was better able to at least contain my aggressive nature to my immediate self. In part having to be reminded every fucking Christmas day of the memory of my mothers old high school boyfriend, I had JUST recently met and became friends with, showing up at my door that morning, phone in had with my bitch of a grandmother on the other end saying "Melissa, it's grandma" and knowing instantly with nothing more being said, my mother was no more.
Then one day last week I had a fierce breakdown. Just everything I touched and everyone I talked to turned to shit and I was just. Done. The kids stayed quiet with their doors open to hear my colorful words flying all over the kitchen and the dogs stayed clear of the path of the beast pacing the kitchen. I apologized to them later and explained it wasn't personal, I was having a very bad time and frustration had taken over. To which my son replied with "I'm sorry your are having such a hard time mom, I hope you feel better soon." Cue more tears, this time out of love instead of anger.
The next day at work, I fell and I fell hard on my knees. I felt this incredible amount of wicked rage well up inside of me and my skin burned hot with the prickled heat of wanting justice. I had this tunnel vision and wanted nothing more but to destroy by my own hand every fucking thing around me. I slammed my hands down repeatedly on the concrete floor and forced the welling in my eyes to be evaporated by the hot nuclear ball of energy I had inside of my heart. I felt the pain in my hands and wrists. My skin stinging and the image of me on the floor throwing a fit like a toddler left me in a state of numbness. So I caved. I just stopped. I voided my head of feelings and not unlike a robot I just got up and went back to do what I had just done again, but this time not landing on my knees harshly. It was like a fever breaking and from then on, I was just relieved of my fierceness and feeling out of control. It was an epiphany handed to me without fanfare and it gave me my smile back.
I was able to provide my children with a decent holiday, we had an intimate dinner by ourselves and had the addition of my daughter's boyfriend. I made special gifts for my co workers who have helped me grow and assisted in my increasingly bountiful clientele and I have been able to just appreciate life for all it is and stop wanting what I know its not. Figuring out what I do want and how I can go about having certain things in my world, not at the expense of others and not expecting others to provide that for me. I never was a very superficial person at all but being able to reflect on others in my life with their own ideas of ridiculous sense of entitlement has left me feeling less guilty about wanting the simple things I do want for myself, for my family, for the world around me.
I took last semester off of school to better deal with the things I had going on at the time and I am glad I did. I am getting back to a full schedule this week and I am relieved I was able to take care of my list of deeds so I will be better able to focus on my studies. I'm addressing my own needs and desires to have and keep certain people in my life and letting them know in no uncertain terms, how much they are loved and respected by me. It has become so important to me to make sure I am able to orate in some manner, always respectable and always from a place of love, the honest truth but not to lay it on others as a mechanism for control.
Because I want to lead by example and I don't want others to feel they have to hide behind denial in their own feelings and agendas.
I can and I will walk away from this version of lying to me because I owe no one anything and they in return, owe me nothing.
In the meantime, honesty and being real will always be met with me holding space for you, everyone deserves that.
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