Uncomfortable Truths

I have been almost to the point of obsessing the question of “why did I stay so long and fight for a relationship where I KNEW I was not being treated right.”  I came across a lot of articles and examples of dysfunctional relationships between narcissists and empathics.  I knew there had to be something to my other question, “why am I always in relationships with narcissists?” 

Then I found an article that sent me down a rabbit hole of self identification and  realization.  All day today I have had this on my mind and been pretty much on the verge of tears because of so many reasons surrounding it.  

“Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.”

I can’t even begin to start on how this is hitting me.  So many things where I have seen myself as a certain way, has been turned on its head and I am viewing myself from a completely different light.  

-This is a learned behavior usually stemming from someone in the family who has addiction problems or physical disabilities.  

  So on this end, I had a mother who was not only addicted to opiates and speed but had physical disabilities that continued to worsen through her life.  I was also raised with an older brother who had mental and physical retardation.  I don’t know of any other way to be than to put others needs before my own.  Let’s throw in a ‘no dad’ complex and I think were set.  My mother herself being an obvious codependent was raised by a narcissist mother.  

“When co-dependents place other people’s health, welfare and safety before their own, they can lose contact with their own needs, desires, and sense of self.”

  I never consider my needs or wants first.  I’m hardly aware that I have any.  

“A person's self-worth may form around being needed by another person and receiving nothing in return.”

  Well this is the story of practically every romantic relationship I have ever had.  It makes me feel better to know that I am needed or wanted. Appreciation is a big thing with me and I don’t ask for much if anything in return other than a “hey, thanks” response.  Probably not too healthy on my end.  

“Codependents need other people to like them to feel okay about themselves. They’re afraid of being rejected or abandoned, even if they can function on their own. Others need always to be in a relationship, because they feel depressed or lonely when they’re by themselves for too long. This trait makes it hard for them to end a relationship, even when the relationship is painful or abusive. They end up feeling trapped.”

  This is the reason I have stayed in really shitty relationships.  I have a terrible fear of rejection and abandonment and I have always freely admitted this.  It strikes me as odd to be such an independent person, not relying on anyone for anything and have prided myself on doing so for so long but if I find value in someone and I feel I can be of service to them, I am eternally fearful I will be disposed of.  I’ve always been ok to be on my own, but I think when the addiction of having someone else around kicks in, my brain somehow goes into hyper drive of “WE CAN’T LET THIS GO!”

“Codependents also deny their feelings and needs. Often, they don’t know what they’re feeling and are instead focused on what others are feeling. The same thing goes for their needs. They pay attention to other people’s needs and not their own. They might be in denial of their need for space and autonomy. Although some codependents seem needy, others act like they’re self-sufficient when it comes to needing help. They won’t reach out and have trouble receiving. They are in denial of their vulnerability and need for love and intimacy.”

  Again.  I am hardly ever aware I have needs and wants because I get too focused on how someone else is feeling and how can I fix that because that is a priority.  My relationships have been such though, that if I do voice my wants and needs, I am most always rejected so what is the point in ever stating so to someone who ultimately doesn’t give a shit how you feel?

“Codependency creates stress and leads to painful emotions. Shame and low self-esteem create anxiety and fear about being judged, rejected or abandoned; making mistakes; being a failure; feeling trapped by being close or being alone. The other symptoms lead to feelings of anger and resentment, depression, hopelessness, and despair. When the feelings are too much, you can feel numb.”

  Eternally.  I almost don’t know what it feels like to not be stressing over something or someone.  

Characteristics of Co-dependent People Are:

• An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
• I always feel responsible for the actions of others.  It’s always my fault.  Being told this constantly by narcissists really drives it home in a big way.
• A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
• I have been known to do this, I just always feel if I can lessen the burden of someone else, it’s my duty to.
• A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts
• Oh fuck this is real.  I’m definitely not going to grandstand but if I go out of my way and make sacrifices too many times without being acknowledged with even a ‘thank you’ I take it extremely personal. I always knew I had some sort of martyr complex.  I always felt I could work on that but when you are in a relationship with a narcissist, there is a build up over time of bending over backwards for someone who wouldn’t do half as much for you and it hurts to not feel valued or shown appreciation. Really fucking hurts and if you missed or ignored all the ways and things I have done, you are going to fucking hear about it eventually.  
• An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment
• As I’ve stated.  This is what has kept me in some very shitty relationships where I even KNEW I wasn’t being treated right and I always glossed over it because it wasn’t MY needs that were important and that ever fearful presence of abandonment.  This is ultimately embarrassing in so many ways.
• A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
• I can’t stand conflict. I will do anything to avoid it and if it comes down to me standing up for myself, its usually when I am inebriated and pissed off because something happened to be the last fucking straw.  I always feel a deep sense of guilt and shame after this happens and I apologize constantly.  
• A compelling need to control others
• If I can control the outcome, I can not have to feel pain or fear.  
• Lack of trust in self and/or others
• Being with narcissists over the past ten years has definitely put some trust issues into me BIG time.  They always change the game, the same rules don’t apply to them, going behind my back...
• Fear of being abandoned or alone
• Difficulty identifying feelings
• I have always freely admitted this one.  I have to usually sit with my feelings for a time to figure out what I am feeling.  What I am ‘supposed’ to feel, what I display.  Whether the feeling is valid.  I tend to pop off at the mouth and say things I regret when I don’t take the time to process things.  Also a behavior unleashed when I drink too much and am pushed to anger.  
• Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
• I am a creature of habit. If I change my schedule and routine for you, its a BIG deal and I will become angry if it’s not noted that I have done this.  
• Problems with intimacy/boundaries
• This is a big one.  I haven’t wrapped my head around the intimacy part.  It’s something I crave deeply but don’t feel I have really ever had.  Especially in relationships with narcissists.  They have nothing to give as far as intimacy and want it all their way, on their terms.  If I voice my feelings on desires and needs, I have always been rejected and refused. It has led to only understanding superficial intimacy and the thought of even having real intimacy with anyone, literally terrifies me at this point.  
• I have huge boundary issues.  I have none.  I have never been taught what those were, how to implement them or what is appropriate for me. I am so used to people just taking, I would literally feel like an asshole for ever setting any.  
• Chronic anger
• I have been told by the narcissists in my life that this is a thing and I only see it when I am pushed to the point of frustration.  I will erupt and carry a grudge for even a lifetime but I also feel that this is something narcissists say when they are mad they aren’t getting their way and it ONLY happens when I stand up for myself.  Hence another reason to not do that, to let sleeping dogs lie...
• Poor communications
• Communication has been a big one for me. Growing up, I had NONE.  I had to learn how to judge peoples emotions and needs by watching and picking up body language, tone, certain things said.  Another big thing with narcissists though, is they do not like to communicate. They will label anything related to a meaningful conversation of feelings and values as an argument. I become “argumentative” when I say something has made me upset. I may have a tendency to go off at the wrong time in the wrong way, especially when I am drinking, so I will also shut down and not communicate because to me, its not worth the fight.

There are a couple more basically redundant trademarks of codependency and I mostly match all of them in some way or another.  

I can’t even begin to describe all the emotions that have been going through my head.  I am so angry at myself for being this way.  For not seeing it. I have literally wasted YEARS of my life on people who weren’t worth anything.  I have spent so long pushing myself down for the self implied benefit of others, that I have trouble even knowing who I am anymore. I have just been going with the flow of what I assumed was better for everyone else and I have completely neglected my own needs of intimacy and boundaries partly due to being told in so many ways, I don’t matter and partly because I believed that.  When I look back at how I have behaved and lashed out at others when any normal self respecting person would have just walked away, it tears my fucking heart apart.  I needlessly subjected myself and others to this massive force of drama that I don’t know how to contain or do away with.  That I want to control and make a fucking happy ending....

Codependents have addiction problems and I am no exception. I have always known I have an addictive personality.  The main goal is escape.  I always feel this deep desire to numb my feelings and a want to just ignore everything I can’t do anything about but obsess about.  

I am two and a half weeks sober as of now.  I want nothing more that to drown my sorrows in a big bottle of vodka or a couple bottles of wine.  Mostly I want all of these fucked up mistakes to go away.  

I honestly don’t know how I am going to tackle a lifetime of learned behaviors and to be honest, I am now even more fearful to repeat the same mistakes.  I suppose if my best friend was suffering from this, I would tell her that knowing is half the battle.  That mistakes are ok and you have to forgive yourself for making them.  Even if you can’t forgive others for how they treated you, and it never should have been allowed in the first place, awareness is going to be key now.  

I’ve got a lot on my plate now, certainly more than I bargained for and my patience is about to be tested to the maximum.

Finding Comfort

As I come around to using my intelligence over my emotions, I have tried to keep up with the system of every time I am thinking negatively, I have to turn it around or balance things out with a positive.  It’s not always as easy as it seems, but the effort is there.  So I figured it’s time to lay it out in front of me to really let things soak in.

Things aren’t all doom and gloom in my world.  While I have been circling this drain of depression and regret, I do have a lot going on that has my life feeling pretty fulfilling.

My job has been 8 years at the same location, building up my clientele from practically nothing to being booked out a week or two in advance and I am making more money than I ever have.  I was able to finally buy a new car this year and while I was originally squeamish about taking on a car payment and higher insurance, I’m totally able to swing it.  Keeping on top of my bills and able to afford little luxuries on a weekly basis.

My health is as good as anyone can hope for, while I have been dealing with a bulging disc and pinched nerve issues, it’s a slow process to heal that I have been working on.  I am currently two weeks into sobriety, save for a glass or two of wine here and there, as my alcoholism was beginning to take over my life and I had to stop it from ruining me.
I have alienated a lot of my friends, whether that is me or them I haven’t decided but right now I am in the mind frame of ‘well shit, I don’t want to be around me as Debbie downer, why should I impose that on anyone else?’  I got tired of constantly asking for time from people and they clearly aren’t interested so, I stopped asking.

I was making a mental list this morning of things I don’t have to worry about anymore having been rejected by a narcissist.  It goes hand in hand with wondering what I actually lost anyway. I still have these emotional meltdowns of being overcome by grief and sadness and it’s not anything I feel I have control over.  I hope that when my heart finally gets the message those times won’t come anymore.

I don’t have to go out and wonder if that is the night I will be insulted for no reason.  Or wonder if who we hang out with will change how I am treated.  I am not blowing money left and right on huge bills for dinner that includes copious amounts of liquor.  And while I was blamed for that happening to him, I always thought it was odd that when we were apart he still bragged about paying for astronomical nights out...
I don’t have to try to be helpful anymore and waste my time on someone that doesn’t appreciate it.  While at the time, I was glad to be helpful, I honestly thought it was being seen as worth something.
I don’t have to spend weeks before a holiday or my birthday wondering what little thing he was going to pick to create a huge fight.
I don’t have to be lied to anymore or be embarrassed to find out lies he had said about me.  I don’t have to come up with an idea for some thing to do and have him be negative about it the whole time because it wasn’t his idea.  I don’t have to be yelled at anymore because I don’t have suggestions of what to do or where to go....
“You always” and “you never” are things I don’t have to be subjected to anymore which were ultimately rude insults I took personally.
I don’t have to spend my time building up someone else’s ego and listening to their problems and being supportive while I got absolutely none of that in return.

There are plenty of reasons for me to be able to breathe a sigh of relief that I didn’t know I could until recently because I had focused so much of my time and effort on someone else.  I think a huge part of my sadness and anger that I feel is I can’t understand why I deserved to be treated as if I were so disposable.  Why wasn’t I worth half of anything I gave?  Why did he pretend for so long I was a part of his life and loved when it all came down in the end to my stupidity at not realizing I wasn’t.

I am once again, going to have some serious trust issues and it’s just going to take time for me to feel comfortable with myself once again.  I’m not looking forward to the loneliness but I’m not going to dive into any distractions.   At this point, I need to figure out what I want and make sure I am not stripped of my dignity ever again.

What did you lose?

I recently read part of a quote that said “don’t allow your emotions to overpower your intelligence.” And I have been trying like mad to make this my mantra.
I have battled against my emotions and actions for as long as I can remember and while I have gotten better for the most part, there are still plenty of times where I walk away from something even more furious, embarrassed or completely ashamed of how I allowed my behavior to take over.

The past few weeks have been a downward spiral of depression and self hate.  Of course it all has to do with the narcissist.
The last evening we went out, we had a nice time, he began the evening by venting about his mother, how much he hated her, how much of a shit show she is.  His brother asked him to help out with a living arrangement for her and he was flabberghasted that this would even be asked of him.  So he vented, vented to another friend, we watched the hockey game and no one became too drunk or obnoxious.
The MINUTE we step into his house, I let the dogs out, I open a beer and we start chatting about the evening.  All of a sudden, he tells me how he was just telling his brother the other day how much I was like his mother and how he hated that.  Hated every aspect of who I was and how I presented myself.
At this point I have completely shut down.  I am gathering my things, leashing up my dog and taking my leave.  I can barely see straight, I am so angry and confused.  I feel completely insulted and it came from out of nowhere.
I get home, try to call so I can ask in a non hostile manner why he did this.  He refuses to answer.  He sends a rude text.
I made a visit to the vodka bottle and reconcile with my passion trying to wrap my head around the question of ‘what. the. Fuck. ‘
This did not go well.
I spit out many emails railing on and on about how two faced and an asshole he is.  How his double standards are bullshit.  I hate that he lied to me. That he lied about me.  That he embarrassed me and made me look like a fool all in the name of him trying to make himself look good.  I know full well he leaves out the part of the story where he was insulting me or being a drunk asshole.

Two days later I get the text of his penis, and a message saying I should come suck it.  I can’t believe he would stoop to this, knowing full well what was going on between us.  How he told me he was cutting me out of his life completely for a few days so I can ‘calm the fuck down’.  I voice my opinion on how tasteless this is, and I am apologizing left and right for my drunken outburst.  He offers no apologies what so ever.  He is still so very upset that a week and a half before, we went out drinking and he began insulting me or as he said “making fun of you”.  I got drunk and told him I was upset because we didn’t have a good sex life.  I remember telling him “just because you have a big dick, doesn’t mean you know how to have sex” which was a stupid meme I saw.  The past four times we did have sex, it was me instigating it, him being done in under two minutes and he did not even care if I enjoyed myself with him at all.
I knew I should have picked a better time and a better way to bring this up, but when I am told I am not supposed to ask for sex, I have to seduce him, and then two weeks later, I am told the reason we don’t have sex more is because I don’t initiate it, it can be a little confusing.

I was angry.  I wanted him to hurt as much as I was.
I saw what was happening for the past couple weeks.  How he couldn’t bother to respond to my texts but couldn’t respond back to others fast enough.  Hiding the phone constantly, even to go pee.  Hiding things from me. Lying to me.  I guess men don’t think we see through the bullshit, but its instinctual.  He was garnering and giving attention to someone new because I wasn’t enough for him. All the while saying “i love you”. Asking me to help take care of his dog (which i later found out through him bragging to others, it was literally so he could go out drinking.).
When I responded unfavorably to the invitation to suck his dick, that I was hoping for a meaningful conversation about what was going on, because I was calling him out on his bullshit, and he didn’t like it, I was told “I don’t know what to say.  The only thing I can offer you at this point is a hate fuck”.
I threatened him that I would tell his ‘interest’ all about him, and what an asshole he was and his reply told me all I needed to know.
 He was pissed off that I would do that to him.
Not that there wasn’t anyone else, but that I better not.

I immediately went to my facebook page and deleted everyone that we were mutual friends with and deactivated my account for two weeks so I could process some hurt and not be accused of dragging his name through bullshit.

Last week he texted me out of the blue to ask me to take his dog because he couldn’t handle him anymore.
I was as polite as I could be and I told him that I didn’t appreciate him coming to me for this. That I knew he understood why I can’t help him.

This has all been phenomenally difficult for me.
It has been straight I up grieving, painful and ridiculous all around.
The first weekend in, I found myself in the bottom of a few bottles of vodka and I knew I couldn’t continue in that manner.  My self destruct mode was more than I could handle.

I couldn’t stop playing things back in my head.  How he accused me of not wanting him to be happy. When I pointed out all that I did, because I cared for him, thought of him in a loving way and supported him BECAUSE I wanted to see him happy and that was important to me, he told me I only did anything because I was ‘selfish and only trying to get him to love me.”

If someone else did something against him, or obnoxious when drinking it was deemed “endearing” or “funny”. I was held to a double standard where if I did it, it was unforgivable and I was a piece of shit.  He could get angry at me, insult me and put me down but if I stood up for myself, because Jesus Christ, I’m not going to allow myself to be treated like shit, it was grounds for never seeing me again.

This man who wanted nothing more than to talk about how awesome he is the whole night.  Tell everyone in the bar how amazing he was.  Listened to him and his friends talk constantly about the “glory days” when he sold coke and there were parties and strippers and booze everywhere.  This man who talked shit about me in his drunken sleep and talked of other women.  Who never complimented me. Who never felt the need to make me feel special but if I ignored him, all hell would break loose.  Who, when he wasn’t regaling everyone with how wonderful he was, was on his phone, texting and chatting to others.  I would only get an apology for ‘ignoring’ me if it was work related.  I never asked what was going on, but if I had a conversation on my phone in front of him, he was very quick to lean over and see who and what was going on.  

I always made so many excuses for him in my mind as to why he behaved this way.  It had to have been because he was from a broken home.  He clearly didn’t understand how to express love and respect.  He liked to brag to everyone else about the great things he did for his ex’s all the while I am sitting there, just coming off of a week of fighting because it was my birthday, a holiday, an anniversary and he would blatantly pick fights with me. I always expected it.  I figured maybe he was just one of those guys that doesn’t show their feelings. I was ok with that.  He didn’t know how to communicate, I worked with that.  I never expected anything from him and I never asked anything.  I learned a long time ago, I couldn’t even go to him to talk to if I had a bad day.  Me telling him I had a rough day led to him literally texting back and saying “ok, well, have a good night then.”  I voiced that this hurt, that I listened to him talk about his problems Every Fucking Day.  He said he didn’t want to hear mine, that I was probably just “bitching about what I always bitch about.”
He jumps through hoops to help other people that treat him like shit and use him.  Or if they have something of value he can use from them.  I told him I didn’t appreciate him being treated like shit and he agreed with me.  Then two days later, I am a ‘fucking bitch’ because I tell him his friends treat him like shit.

I kept making excuses. I kept believing him when he said certain things.  I had this feeling that there was more to him than he was showing.  I was willing to compromise all the time for his ego.  I gave him time, attention, support and more.
So to find out that he really is this monster, this person who literally does not give a shit about me and never has, was a hammer to the head.  There is no fucking way I could have done this for two years.  Looked up to him, wanted him in my life. Became completely vulnerable to someone who had no intention of reciprocating anything in a relationship.

Nothing.

How the hell could I have kept forgiving him for what he had done, why did I believe he was going to ever change?  To respect me?  To be proud of me and happy for me?  Why did only ‘hope’ keep me devaluing myself and allowing him to tell me I was worthless? Why did I fucking believe it?

I was forced to ask myself, why does this hurt so bad?  What exactly am I losing in this relationship? Where he talks bad about me, lies about me, to me.  Hides things because “I knew you’d use it against me” (then why participate in behavior you know is going to hurt someone who loves you???)

I lost my best friend.
And he wasn’t even a very good friend.
I lost someone to hang out with that was fun and even he managed to sabotage that plenty of times.  He talked of how I “just went crazy for no reason” which is a total and complete lie.  Why the hell would I just go off without being provoked?  Why can’t he admit of his faults?  I have always owned my shit.  I have many regrets.  I worked on changing my behavior and worked on making a relationship a success which was pointless considering, I was never valued in the first place but he allowed me to think I was.
I am angry. I am disappointed.  I am ashamed.  Angry at him because this is a terrible way to treat people.  He mistook my kindness for weakness. I am angry more at myself because I couldn’t just walk away from being treated like shit.  I had to fight for myself and stand up for myself, which again, pointless because I didn’t matter.

I am very well aware of this being completely my fault in that I allowed it to continue.  I am ashamed to have ever dated this “man”. I feel as if I have wasted two years of my life doing my best when it wasn’t valued.  I wish I had the strength and lack of empathy to have walked away a long time ago when I first did and he said later, “yeah, I don’t know why we stopped talking then.....”
Well I did.  I should not have thought he would be any different for having watched me walk away once.

I allowed myself to believe I wasn’t enough and too much from someone who wouldn’t piss on me if I were on fire because it didn’t benefit him.

I think I assumed after dealing with one narcissist, I would be able to emotionally handle another.  Like I was prepared.  That I had to believe the end result was going to be worth the sacrifice.

And I only ended up breaking my own heart.
It fucking hurts.

Bleeding Out

It’s been a rather tumultuous year for the last relationship.  One full of tears, anger, accusations and fear.  I’m still reeling over the end, sort of in a disbelief tailspin wondering how someone really can’t see their own behavior.  I was so damn patient and forgiving and it didn’t dawn on me until the end that I was in a very one sided relationship.  He was not reciprocating at all.  He would start fights with me and then blame me.  Say things like he didn’t like when I drank liquor and then ten minutes later would be serving up shots to drink.  Everything was on his terms.  I learned, yet again, to walk on eggshells around someone else because any little thing could set him off especially when he was crabby.  I was blamed for his lack of working out.  I was told I was preventing him from seeing his friends (which was completely untrue and I encouraged the associations with out me several times).  I was told I was the reason he drank too much and spent too much money.  Yet every time we would have our time apart, his behavior didn’t change. He practically bragged about it.  It was insulting.

So why do I feel like I’ve lost everything?  Why does it feel like physical pain inside of me that this is finally over? I still have crying spells over memories that I adored.  I still keep waiting to see messages from him to brighten my day and I still miss the smell of him on my skin.

I’ve come to realize he didn’t love me. He is an ultimate narcissist. He loves himself.  He loved that I would drop everything for him.  He loved that I would do favors for him.  He loved that I paid half the tab.  He loved having company when it was convenient for him.  Loved having someone he could bitch to everyday about his hell day. Loved having my support and encouragement.  Loved that I bought him gifts and cooked meals.  He loved nothing about me.  Didn’t think I was particularly attractive.  Thought I was stupid and beneath him. So why continue to keep me coming back and saying he loved me?  Why did I believe his words and not fully pay attention to his actions?

I kept waiting for things to get better.  For us to work through an issue and come out stronger and the whole time he just kept getting worse.  Lying about me.  Lying to me.  Hiding things from me.  It’s really so very embarrassing that I gave so much of myself to him and surrendered my own ego.  He made me feel completely invalid and worthless.  I felt like I had to keep proving myself and it was never good enough.  No compliments were given.  No thank you’s extended.  No reciprocation of anything other than sharing the bill.

So I keep reminding myself over and over of the insults that were hurled at me when he was drunk.  I remind myself of his behavior. I keep repeating ‘he’s a piece of shit’ and I still can’t figure out why letting go of someone like this is so difficult.
I wasted a year and a half giving and doing and being for someone who didn’t feel half as much for me and my ego has taken a beating.  I want to be noticed.  I want to be appreciated.  I want to feel attractive and those times from him were rare and few between.  I made so many excuses for him.  His lack of a good home life growing up, his parents and lack thereof.  Perhaps he’s one of those that just doesn’t communicate well or how I do.  Maybe he just needed more space.  If only he’d stop drinking so much....If only I could keep my mouth shut about what bothers me when I drink too much.....

It’s the end of the year.  It’s a stressful time for me.  Thinking of my moms suicide and how the kids have grown.  I look back and I have nothing to show for the time I have spent with him except that I broke my own heart wishing I could be someone to him.  Everyone’s so busy and going through their own things.  I work alone and come home to be alone.  I don’t want to leave the house and for a minute I was self medicating with alcohol.  I feel very much alone and pretty empty.  I’d love to have something to look forward to but my motivation to create plans for myself is so depleted.  I figure I will take this time for myself to heal.  To think about what I’ve done, what I have allowed to happen and try to make sense of my feelings as best I can.


I wish I didn’t have to be so negative.  I wish I could remember the good things about him.  I wish I could spout on and on about the great times we did have, because for the most part, when we were good, we were great.  Then something in him would snap and he’d be picking fights and accusing me of ruining his life.  Leaving me confused and hurt.  Always attempting sooner than later to apologize and admitting a small part of fault.  Keeping me hanging on....

This too shall pass.  I just needed to get this out.  I’m still bleeding out and I hope it stops soon...

Your ego crushed your own happiness

I should have left and not came back after taking you out to dinner for your birthday.  Coming home with you only to have you 'politely' insult me after sex and I was leaving.
After you invited me to the zoo that Sunday and when I texted you a "good morning, Happy Birthday" message, you said "thanks" and ignored me.
When I asked why you didn't go to the zoo like you wanted, you said it was because I didn't get a hold of you.

I should have left and walked away when I asked you to go camping and you said you would make an effort which you had NO intentions of doing.  When I said I couldn't wait to take you and how much fun we'd have, you threatened our budding relationship.  Said I was being "too pushy".

I should have left and never came back when you sat at the bar doing shots with your friends, completely ignoring me and not including me only to go home and have you break up with me because I "wasn't showing you enough physical attention" while we were there.  Telling me how awful I am.  How you felt you deserved better. Telling me to "get the fuck out".

I should have left and never came back after going to see a friends band and you getting so drunk you argued with every little thing I said.  I tried to ignore it and look past your pettiness but back home you once again reveled your war cry of "get the fuck out of here."

I should have left and never came back when on my birthday, you took me out to dinner and we got so drunk, you started picking fights with me because you can never be wrong and if I ever disagree with you, you consider that I am all against you.  Where once again I was told to "get the fuck out".

Again, a week later, getting so wasted you yelled at me for being emotional because I was embarrassed my wig had come off in the music venue.  Once again, evicting me from your life.

We had a few months where you didn't get too wasted but once when playing the wii, you asked what music I wanted playing.  I made a suggestion, you didn't like it, so you played what you wanted and I said "ok".  Half an hour later accusing me of not liking what you were playing and being pissed about it when I wasn't even caring.

I had to learn to not drink as much because of your egotistical temper had me afraid.  I watched you doing shots ever thinking "is this the night he blows up at me for no reason?"  I had to bite my tongue and just agree with whatever you were upset about because any challenge I presented, no matter how small, was greeted with anger and toxicity.  If I got caught up in the moment of having fun with you, I was more likely to pay a price of you threatening our relationship.

I stuck around when you got drunk and began arguing with me my own personal spiritual beliefs.  When I was trying to explain to you what I was trying to say, you refused to listen to me.  Once again uttering "well I guess this is over...."

I should have been more upset on the night you went out to a party, messaging me at 11:20 saying you miss me and would see me soon.  When I hadn't heard from you by 2 am, I texted hoping everything was ok.  When you didn't respond I called and all you said was "do you want me to come home? Or what?"  I assured you, I was just concerned and you kept talking over me saying you would just come home.  When you did at 4:30 am you came into bed and started talking shit to me.  I can't unhear how you said "why can't you just love me?  You're just like every other woman,  I'm tired of dealing with your shit, just like Carlie... You guys are fucking awful."
I knew you weren't in your right mind and I kept calm waiting to talk to you about this the next day.  You denied so much of what happened because you couldn't remember.  I had to throw your 'to-go' cup out of the passenger seat of my car.

You asked me to move in with you and a month later erupted at me after dinner.  I was talking about dream jobs I'd love to have like "snl writer or forensic scientist" and you got extremely angry.  Yelling at me about "I can't believe you don't know what you want to do!! I can't be with you!!"
So I once again, collected my things and "got the fuck out".

You broke up with me pleading we fight too much and refuse to acknowledge that the only times we ever did was when you were drinking too much.  disagreeing over the smallest, stupidest shit.  Because we HAD nothing to fight about.  I had my moments of getting too wasted and saying fuck you too many times but I won't be backed into a corner for you insulting me for no reason.  I stopped doing that because I knew it upset you.  Yet you still continued to accuse me of it when I didn't.  You accused me of jealousy for hanging with your brother which was complete bullshit.  I offered several times for you to just hang out with him alone because I didn't want to sit there the third wheel the whole time like you had a habit of doing.  I made my own entertainment and prayed you wouldn't get mad at me for not showering you with attention all over again.

You could never take responsibility for your own actions.  Even blaming me for you drinking too much.  Blaming me for you spending too much money when I NEVER expected you to foot my bill, and I paid my way through the whole relationship.
In all of this shipwreck you did nothing but accuse me of not making you happy when just the week before you were as excited as I was about our "home together" we were gonna have.  You came out of left field to me claiming your unhappiness had been going on for weeks but you never once displayed a single sign of being unhappy.

I practiced so much patience with you,  I tolerated behavior from you that you would have NEVER tolerated.  I kept looking to the positive in you.  I kept thinking you would realize what you were doing and if you cared about me enough, you would stop treating me like shit.  Stop demanding so much attention while giving me none.  Check your ego and maybe have empathy for me.
But you can never be wrong.  I heard this from others as well who reached out to me to ask what you did.  First things they said were "well he can be very arrogant."  "there's a reason he can't have a healthy relationship".
I practiced unconditional love with you because I looked past your flaws you showed me in how you treated me when you were drinking.  I knew that wasn't the real you as I had regrets about my own drunken mishandlings of you.

I was told "I love you" after you ended it and it was followed by continuous messages of how you said I made you miserable and how unhappy you were.  You said "I love you" and then followed it up with messages telling me how I felt.  Projecting your insecurities onto me.  Telling me how I felt.
Opening up communication was extremely difficult because if I said how I felt when you were hurting me, you blamed me.

I just should have left and never came back.
It would have hurt a whole lot less.
I wouldn't have to search so hard to find my value in myself. 

A sub-par performance

Last night I found myself acting out of aggression and frustration and it has been so long since I have exhibited this sort of behavior, I'm still upset.
So of course this came after a few drinks, mixing liquors and not feeling the assault of the loss of inhibitions.  The thing is, I know what set me off and I tried to make my case against a thing I was being accused of.  In all honesty, I don't think I was in the wrong.  I still don't.

I endured a long term relationship with a boy who always had to have his way.  When he didn't get that way, he bitched.  He would take extra effort to make sure that the decision I had made, that he did not, was an epic failure.  Even if I already felt bad about making the 'bad decision'.  Then he would turn around and get angry because I refused to make any more decisions about something that was so clearly his field.

So in the scenario last evening, it was a point made that I wanted something the other person did not. I wanted to share a weekend, a fun experience and while I was told it wasn't his thing, I persisted to try to sell the idea.  Cause I wasn't getting my way.  I got called out for it but I didn't feel it was necessarily handled the right way either in the scolding or in how I handled it.  And then I remember that when this event happened, I was basically lied to.  A vague promise to try to attend and then a flat out lie of "I didn't know" which turned into me being accused of basically bullying him into this thing when I clearly did not.  I accepted the decision, hurt and disappointed, I had every right to feel that way but I didn't deserve to be told I forced the issue.

So there I am, still sitting with this ache of how words got twisted and accusations were made that weren't warranted, I'm being told I won't let it go and..... there are margaritas on the table.  After two whiskey cocktails and a Bloody Mary prior.  I felt hostile and arrogant and I was upset over what I felt was a lack of sensitivity to my sensitive nature.  I became, an asshole.

I keep replaying the stupid things I was thinking and saying and wondering where it all was coming from.  Why I was lashing out at this person in retaliation who was himself retaliating.  I got so hell bent on trying to stand my ground that I didn't realize the ground was really just water I was treading. Poorly at that.  And I want to take it all back.

There may have been a time in my past where I would have just felt more self righteous with my decision to be an asshole, like I finally deserve to get to be that way justly some how, but now it leaves this taste of regret and bitter shallowness in my body.  I always wanted to be that better woman who stood up for herself, who didn't let others walk all over her or have another man try to dictate what my emotions should or should not be and it's been a lifetime of trying to figure out how to be that woman.  With no role models its been a sketchy path.  I find myself watching myself as I grow and try to find that balance and at some times I feel I am leaps and bounds from 3 years ago but at other times just not much has changed since I was 18.

It's been over two years and while I dabbled in dating here and there, I found someone that I admire and look up to.  Someone who is incredibly attractive, smart, funny, a smart ass like me and like he always says "clearly we like spending time with each other".  I flew into this with no expectations because we had tried dating prior and he said something that I took offense to one night as I was leaving, after taking him out to dinner for his birthday which I chalked up to too much booze, but when we went out again after that, I felt his interest in me had seriously declined.  So when he contacted me again, I was pretty set for yet another guy friend to hang out with for the afternoon.  But it didn't go that way.  It went a way I wasn't expecting at all.

Up until yesterday I didn't question anything about 'us'. It's all very natural and I have to assume he won't be sticking around so I've just been enjoying it for what it is.  And its been great.  But what I didn't count on are the feelings that come with it all.  The inadequacy I began to feel.  And I don't know what to do about it.
I have been working so hard on loving myself that I put up these walls of protection.  So I find myself standing behind these walls and screaming for attention, love, signs of desire. Trying to be vulnerable for me is akin to feeling like walking directly into a bear trap.  I think up until this point I've handled it very well.  I've been able to be open and share myself coming from a place of love and integrity but all it took was one tiff to make me doubt who I was.

I don't want to wonder if I am up to someone else's expectations anymore.  I did that for too many years for an asshole who just didn't want to be alone.
THIS is what emotional abuse does to someone.
He may not hit you but the scars are forever.

Terms for living

Normally when I sit down to write a post I might have a glass or two of wine, perhaps a margarita or a double shot of whiskey to nurse as I ease into my collective thoughts and try to relax with who I am and what I am trying to say.  Weed isn't really a go to for writing because..... shiny things. 
At the beginning of this month I was, to quote at least one doctor, "in dying mode" and things have been different since. 
Not like dramatic I'm-now-a-vegan-and-peace-be-with-you-saint, but more humble.  More angry.  More selfish. More empathetic. More chronic pain and exhaustion. Literally, more bitchy with a shorter temper.  More thoughtful and more willing to ignore what I now deem a 'waste'.

When I was 21 my mother got a call from California that my father died.  He was 47.  I can count on one hand the times I remember spending with my dad but he was always a there/not there presence in my life as many non-participant fathers are in their daughters lives.  Such a mystery to me the bonds I didn't grasp between dad and daughter.  Like having a sibling that was mentally/physically handicapped, it was so foreign to me to try to understand what it was 'supposed' to be like to have average. Normal.  I did know he drank.  A lot.  Drug use, likely.  What I didn't understand at the time of his death was he was ONLY 47 and he had cirrhosis. 

I was violently ill for a week at the beginning of this month and tried to work a couple of days which only kept me down further for exerting myself.  No insurance and limited funds with a sense of "this too shall pass" kept me from visiting a doctor to rule out infection that was surely thriving under the 102.5 fever I rocked for four days.  The fever passing, the chills abating I went about my life as usual until two days later when I was forced to admit I HAD to go to an urgent care that Saturday for the amount of blood that was in my urine, the exhaustion I was feeling, the fever that wouldn't go and the chills that wouldn't stop.  Diagnosed with a urinary tract infection, that I really didn't think I had, I was given a prescription for antibiotics and sent on my way.
Antibiotics that I had a severe reaction to that I forgot about a few years prior. 
Now normally I wouldn't forget something as severe as this but mind you, I had a fever for a week, little sleep, mentally I was breaking down, a lot of confusion. 
I awoke on the following Monday and knew that with the onset of barely being able to walk, I had to drive myself to the emergency room.  Before it was going to get worse. 

I listed to triage my symptoms, the schedule of events as they had been happening, the medications I was taking, was prescribed and what I thought was going on.  It was like being cross examined and at the same time finding my blood pressure was 70 over 80 causing the staff to wonder if the machine was broke or maybe check it for a fourth time.  Admitted with remarks as "kidney trauma" due to the blood in my urine, possible gastrointestinal distress due to the chronic cramping stomach pain, vomiting and diarrhea I had been having and even had remarks made to me of 'withdrawal symptoms' as with using an array of unknown cold medicines and stomach medication, I had meth show in my toxicology screen.  I cried instantly given how adamantly opposed I have always been about the drug itself and my mothers history with abusing it.
By the time I was being admitted my tremors were uncontrollable and almost seizure like, there were hallucinations and I could not walk on my own.  My lymph nodes in my throat were so swollen I could barely swallow and anything that had any flavor burned like acid coated razor blades in my entire mouth.  When I went to use the restroom, I had tears come for the pain that burned like nothing I had ever felt before just from urinating. 
Umpteen bags of i.v. fluids and just as many bags of antibiotics would ensue over the next six days along with blood draws every two hours, making me drink this horrid potassium chloride every few hours (really wasn't that bad, it just was the burning and the pain with swallowing I found later). It was noticed I was developing jaundice with yellowing of the eyes and I was talked to about my liver enzymes being just over 500 while 'danger' zone levels begin at 200.  Ultrasounds, brain scans, MRI's and 5 specialists such as neurologist, rheumatologist, gastroenterologist, so much blood work.... and none could say for sure what the hell was happening to me.  I developed edema so painful in my legs I had to have morphine every three hours and had to request assistance to use the toilet as I was a risk factor for falling being that I was weak and the tremors kept me from being stable.  Four days minimum without food of any kind and only able to sip water in tiny amounts.  Even things like chicken broth burned like acid and I could barely open my mouth to attempt to eat mashed potatoes when food was offered.  The good news? The antibiotics I was being given over the ones I was allergic to were actually working.  Little by little I was feeling better.  Less shaking.  Less pain.  Less hallucinations.  Better able to support myself walking and feeling that desire to just fucking get through this.  As this whole time this is occurring, I am missing two weeks of work.  No insurance, no paid days off, no reserve money, so much stress and heaviness... I had no choice but to get better and get out of there just to go back to work so I could survive. 

I narrowly missed having a liver biopsy that I was scared to death to have, which now I wish I would have had because now I have to play the insurance game and not only get approved for insurance through the state but have a referral to a specialist to get this accomplished.  I was released on the sixth day with liver enzyme levels being at 200.  None could say for certain what was going on with my body but labeled as a 'post viral infection' with possible liver disease brought on by acetaminophen toxicity from the cold and flu meds I was pumping into myself.  I lost 20 pounds in three weeks that not only can I not gain back but am slowly still losing more.  I now only have pins and needles as a pain feeling in my legs and feet from the knees down.  I have a constricted chest breathe that causes almost a level of panic from the pain I receive taking deep breaths or yawning.  I develop edema in my legs from standing and I walk like a 70 year old woman because of the pain that is chronic.  At times like walking with a charley horse.  Sciatic pain that stops me cold with a sharp inhalation of my body saying "DON'T DO THAT MOVE THING" and I have lost over half of my hair.  It literally slides off my body and I fear touching it for more loss.  Every joint in my body a swollen pain center.  Restless sleep that I get out of bed for just because I can't lay there in pain any more.  Issues with regulating my body temperature and a noticeable loss of muscle mass.
I can't even take an Ibuprofen to calm my inflammation. 

Major life changes are going to be happening.  Are happening and I don't know exactly where I am going or what I will be doing but listening to my instincts is a definite.  I feel like I awoke with a stronger sense of anti-bullshit tolerance.  I am seeing people I thought were one way, in a totally different light.  I am standing up for myself more and extending myself differently.  I am less tolerant of being a convenience and I am so very much over being walked on.  Again, scrolling through facebook memories, I am confronted with YEARS of being miserable with someone I assumed loved me and supported me and even seeing his comments of self righteousness and making me feel like I was the one to blame for not being enough, doing enough.... it makes me feel violent.  So angry I was treated that way for so long.  That not only I allowed it but allowed myself to be gas lighted.  At work I am a new force to be reckoned with.  I am not allowing people to take advantage of my good nature anymore.  In social I am leaving behind those that are emotionally unavailable because I am so tired of extending patience to those that can't even respect themselves.
I'll be there should it be needed but I refuse to be taken for granted anymore.  

I'm not ready to die and I would like to start living on MY terms for once instead of everyone else's.