So I've been doing reflecting lately, like I'm ever not, and today was just an emotional day. I've been very good about just avoidance at all costs because it just sets me off, and trying to just focus on other things. Happy things. Fun things. Good things. At least that is how its supposed to work anyway....
I've hit a point where I'm just sad. I feel so defeated. I keep going back to the fact that an affair is an affair. I can even go back in my history and showed when I inquired about 'whether or not your partner is having an emotional affair' months before this ever came about. And I didn't do anything about it because I trusted him.
So, I feel fucking sad about it.
I'm still angry, don't get me wrong. I have been put in a position of living arrangement against my will and I don't appreciate being lied to. Being able to move out and away would have been a huge privilege. The constant judgmental attitude kinda sucks and I'm angry it all happened over night.
So, its traumatic. Things are happening emotionally in me that I have never seen or been before in my life, and I have had to put up with some serious crap. Trouble is, most of those situations can be handled without emotion. It's fight or flight and when its either one, your just in survival mode. You don't have time to feel. And Mr. Charming arrives, and its magic and you FINALLY trust someone and build a future and a family and then all that malicious meanness comes out of two strangers who for some reason unknown why, detest each other. The man that used to make me want to be a better person has turned me into someone I don't like. I know he doesn't like who he has become. At least according to his holy teachings. The desperation is just seeping out of every pore of this house and I'm anxious to get along.
So there is emotional progress happening. I only almost started to cry a few times and I haven't cried in a long time. I feel over emotional lately anyway for some reason. I'm getting irritated that my FWB is deciding to become more attached. I keep looking around this house and everything in it. It's all combined and mixed and a culmination of love and laughter and I don't want it. I don't want to go through it. I don't want to have to deal with the physical separation of belongings when HE was the one who 'left'. I have to start over anyway, fuck.
This journey has been hard as hell. I'm emotionally drained and have been made a big enough fool to keep me humble for a very long time. There is still this energy he brings with him that I can read in the house and it makes me feel sick, like pit in my stomach because its not supposed to be 'my vibration' to feel anymore and I can't help it. I think the hard thing right now is thinking about forgiveness. I feel so wounded still I can't just say "oh, its fine. I'm ok". Cause I'm not. I'm working on it and I'm trying so very hard to think positive thoughts for him and I might squeak in one or two here and there, like every success he is earning he totally deserves because he worked really hard for it. I ought to know, I was there. I have a very sinking feeling he is up to something against me. Which is unfortunate because I was under the impression I was given two shits about.
I have an uncertain future. No family. A confusion about self worth after being told I haven't got any. No one to share it with and being forced to watch my ex fiance become romantically involved immediately after serving me papers. Literally. Out of the Blue.
Yeah. I'm still a touch bitter.
I'll get there, I'm really trying....
Wednesday, October 28, 2015
Sunday, October 18, 2015
It's beginning to not be about you anymore
I have never felt this much animosity towards someone in my life. It's been a weird experience to say the least, but I think I am getting to more of a point where the gratitude just might start to tip the scale over hate. My goal is not complete forgiveness any time soon, but just to not have this road block of negativity in my life. Just scoot it out of the way and be done with it.
If you have ever been through a divorce, or a long term relationship breakup, you know there is a period of time (in most cases anyway) where the two of you have to be together. Perhaps even live with each other while other arrangements are being made. Whether that is a few days or months, it is something you just gotta do. So imagine at this time, and I can see this being true for victims of adultery, that the person you just had a monogamous, loving, trusting, commitment to, is rather immediately (suspiciously so) swept up into the arms of another lover. And you had to watch. And they got mad at you because you "won't be nice" to them. And they literally blamed you for everything that was wrong in the relationship. Ugh.
So it's not as cut and dry as it could be, hell it's not even a workable tear. This is a stab wound. Remember the part in Hellboy 2 where he had the piece of metal stuck in his heart? And the more they tried to get to it to remove it, the more it traveled towards the heart to kill him? It's like that.
So I rightfully think my healing process is going to be as equally as rough on the ascent up this giant hill of recovery.
That and I overthink the shit out of things.
My practice in practicing mindfulness has been getting quite the work out. I have to stop and ask myself if what I am thinking about is 'wholesome' or not. The redirecting to something happy is dependent on my mood. Literally sometimes its tough to find something to think about that makes you smile. It can be frustrating. And I'm not supposed to have expectations of the future but I tend to spend time day dreaming about my future and this is not good either. So lately my mantra has been to stay in the present. "The future only consists with a series of now's, the past is finished."
I have been future focused and that is a good thing. As far as I know, I am all ready for November to arrive. I don't want to talk about it now because I'm being superstitious. What I am doing seems too easy to be true that I am able to do it. I feel better in that my distraction is in the form of bettering myself and not being taken over by the lust and novelty of a new lover. Because what ultimately will happen is what you don't deal with now, will come back to deal with you later. I have been in the position of drowning my 'sadness' in the form of a new relationship. I made some bad decisions at those times. Bad...
I am starting to think of going through the things in the basement to separate, throw out, organize which feels healthy to me. I can't wait for him to do it, he won't. He will save it till last minute and turn into a fucking bear dealing with it. Fuck that game... I am starting to really appreciate the fact that I am not taking care of a 6 person family anymore. I don't have to meal plan and feel like I need to keep things clean. I don't give a shit plain and simple, except for the things I care about. I can do whatever the hell I want. If I don't want to have to sit down and eat dinner across from some jerk who was an awful person to me, I don't have to! I shouldn't fucking have to in the first place! I still feel sad about not getting to enjoy things together like we used to. I miss watching football. New seasons of shows we watched together coming out make me feel like I don't want to watch them anymore. I still feel like he is there in the back of my head somewhere. The little part I talk to all the time and share things with. I guess I have to recondition my brain to channel that wire back to myself now. I have to remind myself he isn't who he was anymore. The man I knew is in the past and we do not live there anymore.
Aside from the aches and pains of work, physically I am feeling fabulous. It's rather amazing how finding the right combination of medications can make you feel great inside and eventually outside. I have dropped 20 pounds, I am seeking out exercise on a daily basis, I don't eat like a tapeworm and I feel sexier. I think I did the right thing in seeking out a fwb as soon as I could, It's been an ego boost for sure without having the added pressure of another person in my life. Not that I don't want that ultimately, I just consider if its going to be any more work than what should occur naturally, then it isn't the love I want. I don't want to have to work at getting to know and fall in love with someone. That's just lust. The trouble is with my friend, he lives further away than I would like. But its a catch 22 when you're also not supposed to eat where you shit.
So in baby steps I am getting through this. Just like everyone has predicted. I am trying to be patient and I am trying to keep busy. I am working on my future and disregarding my past. I am learning to accept the appreciation of lessons learned/learning but still a long way from forgiveness but I am ok with that. I am being open to any possibilities in my life and staying eager at the chance for better circumstances (sooner rather than later hopefully). I'm taking care of me and reminding myself to be patient with myself. I so very much miss the closeness and intimacy of someone but the craving just has become a sort of fuel for taking better care of me. Ultimately at this time, the possibilities are endless...
If you have ever been through a divorce, or a long term relationship breakup, you know there is a period of time (in most cases anyway) where the two of you have to be together. Perhaps even live with each other while other arrangements are being made. Whether that is a few days or months, it is something you just gotta do. So imagine at this time, and I can see this being true for victims of adultery, that the person you just had a monogamous, loving, trusting, commitment to, is rather immediately (suspiciously so) swept up into the arms of another lover. And you had to watch. And they got mad at you because you "won't be nice" to them. And they literally blamed you for everything that was wrong in the relationship. Ugh.
So it's not as cut and dry as it could be, hell it's not even a workable tear. This is a stab wound. Remember the part in Hellboy 2 where he had the piece of metal stuck in his heart? And the more they tried to get to it to remove it, the more it traveled towards the heart to kill him? It's like that.
So I rightfully think my healing process is going to be as equally as rough on the ascent up this giant hill of recovery.
That and I overthink the shit out of things.
My practice in practicing mindfulness has been getting quite the work out. I have to stop and ask myself if what I am thinking about is 'wholesome' or not. The redirecting to something happy is dependent on my mood. Literally sometimes its tough to find something to think about that makes you smile. It can be frustrating. And I'm not supposed to have expectations of the future but I tend to spend time day dreaming about my future and this is not good either. So lately my mantra has been to stay in the present. "The future only consists with a series of now's, the past is finished."
I have been future focused and that is a good thing. As far as I know, I am all ready for November to arrive. I don't want to talk about it now because I'm being superstitious. What I am doing seems too easy to be true that I am able to do it. I feel better in that my distraction is in the form of bettering myself and not being taken over by the lust and novelty of a new lover. Because what ultimately will happen is what you don't deal with now, will come back to deal with you later. I have been in the position of drowning my 'sadness' in the form of a new relationship. I made some bad decisions at those times. Bad...
I am starting to think of going through the things in the basement to separate, throw out, organize which feels healthy to me. I can't wait for him to do it, he won't. He will save it till last minute and turn into a fucking bear dealing with it. Fuck that game... I am starting to really appreciate the fact that I am not taking care of a 6 person family anymore. I don't have to meal plan and feel like I need to keep things clean. I don't give a shit plain and simple, except for the things I care about. I can do whatever the hell I want. If I don't want to have to sit down and eat dinner across from some jerk who was an awful person to me, I don't have to! I shouldn't fucking have to in the first place! I still feel sad about not getting to enjoy things together like we used to. I miss watching football. New seasons of shows we watched together coming out make me feel like I don't want to watch them anymore. I still feel like he is there in the back of my head somewhere. The little part I talk to all the time and share things with. I guess I have to recondition my brain to channel that wire back to myself now. I have to remind myself he isn't who he was anymore. The man I knew is in the past and we do not live there anymore.
Aside from the aches and pains of work, physically I am feeling fabulous. It's rather amazing how finding the right combination of medications can make you feel great inside and eventually outside. I have dropped 20 pounds, I am seeking out exercise on a daily basis, I don't eat like a tapeworm and I feel sexier. I think I did the right thing in seeking out a fwb as soon as I could, It's been an ego boost for sure without having the added pressure of another person in my life. Not that I don't want that ultimately, I just consider if its going to be any more work than what should occur naturally, then it isn't the love I want. I don't want to have to work at getting to know and fall in love with someone. That's just lust. The trouble is with my friend, he lives further away than I would like. But its a catch 22 when you're also not supposed to eat where you shit.
So in baby steps I am getting through this. Just like everyone has predicted. I am trying to be patient and I am trying to keep busy. I am working on my future and disregarding my past. I am learning to accept the appreciation of lessons learned/learning but still a long way from forgiveness but I am ok with that. I am being open to any possibilities in my life and staying eager at the chance for better circumstances (sooner rather than later hopefully). I'm taking care of me and reminding myself to be patient with myself. I so very much miss the closeness and intimacy of someone but the craving just has become a sort of fuel for taking better care of me. Ultimately at this time, the possibilities are endless...
Monday, October 12, 2015
Sticking with the plan
I wouldn't have come here if I didn't think I needed the outlet. I've been told they have made it "facebook official". I can't fucking get away from it. I spent most of the weekend away, trying to enjoy the fall colors coming. I relaxed and watched tv. I still am angry at how angry I am still.
I spent the time being my 'own best friend', and I usually give myself very good advice, you know. Tried to keep the mind frame in its happy place. Which worked most of the weekend. Until he came home Sunday and I felt like a vampire getting caught in sunlight. Old school style, cape, castle, hissing and retreating into the shadows...
I feel like a prisoner in my own home. Only because the very thought of him even being around makes my stomach curdle. If my eyes are forced to look in his direction I involuntarily start to scowl in disgust. All because I have finally come to terms with who exactly he is as a person. Even after the disposal of me, I found myself making excuses for him. Trying to find reason in the chaos that swarmed. I still genuinely believed he was a good person. A great catch, a friend who wouldn't let you down. Now I constantly hear echos in my head of mean things he has verbally said to me over the years. They way he glared at me. The selfish way of living. The narcissistic behavior. I see swagger and ego. I am reminded of my own faults.
So then I have to spend time doing a re-patch on my own self confidence, which when it seems like you spend a lot of time doing, it starts to get not so convincing. I want to be able to forgive so I can stop burning up with this fury of injustice and bandage the wounds already. Not to have to be reminded on a daily basis that someone I loved heart and soul thinks I am the worst thing to ever happen to him. That I am unworthy of love. It is still how surreal it all is. How someone can go from best friend and close lover to complete maliciously mean stranger almost overnight. All because of another woman.
I need to be able to forgive so I can stop imagining scenarios where I actually come out the winner. So I can more presently radiate that which I want in return, respect, love, happiness... So I can stop mourning for the loss of a future and quit being haunted by the regretful decisions of the past. I am continuing on with one foot in front of the other, as steady of a pace as I can, and focusing on me. If all goes as it is seeming to, come November I am going to become a very busy woman. I try to fill my days with trying to accomplish little things to get things moving for things to be able to happen in my future the way that I want them to, now that I have a plan. It's not necessarily the plan I thought i was going to head towards but that was my own speculation of a magical life. The important thing is, it's a plan and I am excited to have one. One that is achievable and worth the extra work now. It doesn't matter that I didn't have it sooner, the past is the past and you can't change it. I am here, now and that is what matters.
Other than the dark brooding hate that I have for someone I had just as much love for, things are well. I am losing weight, feeling fantastic, feeling attractive, being adventurous, feeling happy. I am busy at work, I have landed a FWB that actually is fucking fantastic. I'm looking forward to my future progressing and remaining open minded to the fact that changes may be made along the way. I have got to try to let go of expectations.
Overall I am much happier and clearer headed than I have been in a very long time. It's times like these that I really wish I did have someone close to me that I can share with. That exchange of energies and the intimacy of shared feelings on a cellular level. I know that even after all the damage incurred with this experience, all the trauma exposure, the dust settling on the battlefield, I am not broken. I still have the capability to love and to want to be loved. When I read things that describe a special kind of heartbreak, the kind that feels like something a part of you has died, they aren't kidding. I know now the exact destitution they are speaking of. It becomes a life changer in some of the most dramatic ways.
and now, if someone I care for starts to tell me what they will and won't tolerate from me in a relationship, I will know I have to run far and run fast.
I spent the time being my 'own best friend', and I usually give myself very good advice, you know. Tried to keep the mind frame in its happy place. Which worked most of the weekend. Until he came home Sunday and I felt like a vampire getting caught in sunlight. Old school style, cape, castle, hissing and retreating into the shadows...
I feel like a prisoner in my own home. Only because the very thought of him even being around makes my stomach curdle. If my eyes are forced to look in his direction I involuntarily start to scowl in disgust. All because I have finally come to terms with who exactly he is as a person. Even after the disposal of me, I found myself making excuses for him. Trying to find reason in the chaos that swarmed. I still genuinely believed he was a good person. A great catch, a friend who wouldn't let you down. Now I constantly hear echos in my head of mean things he has verbally said to me over the years. They way he glared at me. The selfish way of living. The narcissistic behavior. I see swagger and ego. I am reminded of my own faults.
So then I have to spend time doing a re-patch on my own self confidence, which when it seems like you spend a lot of time doing, it starts to get not so convincing. I want to be able to forgive so I can stop burning up with this fury of injustice and bandage the wounds already. Not to have to be reminded on a daily basis that someone I loved heart and soul thinks I am the worst thing to ever happen to him. That I am unworthy of love. It is still how surreal it all is. How someone can go from best friend and close lover to complete maliciously mean stranger almost overnight. All because of another woman.
I need to be able to forgive so I can stop imagining scenarios where I actually come out the winner. So I can more presently radiate that which I want in return, respect, love, happiness... So I can stop mourning for the loss of a future and quit being haunted by the regretful decisions of the past. I am continuing on with one foot in front of the other, as steady of a pace as I can, and focusing on me. If all goes as it is seeming to, come November I am going to become a very busy woman. I try to fill my days with trying to accomplish little things to get things moving for things to be able to happen in my future the way that I want them to, now that I have a plan. It's not necessarily the plan I thought i was going to head towards but that was my own speculation of a magical life. The important thing is, it's a plan and I am excited to have one. One that is achievable and worth the extra work now. It doesn't matter that I didn't have it sooner, the past is the past and you can't change it. I am here, now and that is what matters.
Other than the dark brooding hate that I have for someone I had just as much love for, things are well. I am losing weight, feeling fantastic, feeling attractive, being adventurous, feeling happy. I am busy at work, I have landed a FWB that actually is fucking fantastic. I'm looking forward to my future progressing and remaining open minded to the fact that changes may be made along the way. I have got to try to let go of expectations.
Overall I am much happier and clearer headed than I have been in a very long time. It's times like these that I really wish I did have someone close to me that I can share with. That exchange of energies and the intimacy of shared feelings on a cellular level. I know that even after all the damage incurred with this experience, all the trauma exposure, the dust settling on the battlefield, I am not broken. I still have the capability to love and to want to be loved. When I read things that describe a special kind of heartbreak, the kind that feels like something a part of you has died, they aren't kidding. I know now the exact destitution they are speaking of. It becomes a life changer in some of the most dramatic ways.
and now, if someone I care for starts to tell me what they will and won't tolerate from me in a relationship, I will know I have to run far and run fast.
Thursday, October 1, 2015
The tail-between-the-legs walk
Since Sunday things have been quiet. Very quiet. I keep to myself and he keeps hidden away. I BARELY have enough respect to stand to be in the same room with him at this point much less look at or talk to. I have a lot of time to think about a lot of things, unfortunately, and while I try to ignore the chatter of anger towards him I still keep being inundated with things he said to me. About me. It makes me physically ill to think about how much of a stranger he has become. It's literally like night and day. It still is so surreal to me.
I figured out, based on insults he was hurling at me, what it is about me that he was trying to change. It was having an epiphany that left me feeling ashamed and hurt. Humbled. It came on Monday morning to me after I had finally felt I instinctively selected a career change path to take to switch gears. I was hiking on a trail and I was thinking about how this new career would change things. How I would have to change and I looked forward to progressing with this plan, it feels good deep down inside. Then it surfaced with me things that he said he didn't like about me. He didn't like my career, my health, he couldn't tolerate my lack of education, angered I had no friends. Basically he thinks I am white trash. He thinks I am beneath him in class and social structure. This is why he treats me like I am dog shit, he seriously thinks I'm dog shit.
My being humbled comes about when I realize at once, I can't blame him.
I spent so many times *thinking* about going back to school. *Attempting* to do the extroverted friend thing. Starting this or that project and not finishing. He felt I was a shitty parent and I have admitted I could use some help in that area, I am not disciplined enough. But when you come at me in an attacking manner regarding the relationship between us and the kids and how "awful" they are, I think its a natural reaction to be defensive. I have a 24 year old car because I own it outright. I can't do payments on a newer vehicle because I don't make enough money, and I have been ok with this. I have no credit and need to build some, I can be notoriously lazy and a martyr about being the cleaning fairy around the house. I don't have good health insurance, again the job thing and I have no retirement plans. I can't just walk into a new career and I have been wishy washy about returning to school because I felt like I didn't have time for it all.
I took a look at my life and behavior for the first time from his point of view without bias. I saw it as it was. I found my motivation for this new career path I want to take and its one where I can be proud of who I am and what I have done, despite set backs, and be able to provide for my family solely. To conduct myself in a fashion as to radiate loving kindness and have it returned to me. To be respected and admired both physically and mentally. The bare minimum was how I had been living my life and I have made a decision that the bare minimum will no longer be a standard of productivity. I don't know what made me go into that mode, I don't understand why I felt that was ok. Maybe it was because I was feeling so unsure of myself, a lack of self confidence when you are being told you are an awful person and not worthy of love, will surely make someone lose interest in what they have to bring to the table. Not to mention become less active in trying to make a better future. You just want to get through the day, week, month with out being insulted.
This is not something I have come to to try to impress anyone, least of all someone who gives no fucks about me, but it is definitely about returning to being the independent, strong woman I once was. It's not in spite of anyone either. This is no longer about anyone else but me. I made the mistake of being the support of someone else for so long instead of taking care of me and in the end I only shot myself in the foot. I have the whole rest of my life left and I have a lot of things I still want to accomplish. I finally have a goal, something to work for and something I can sink my life into. I don't have to ride on the coat tails of anyone else anymore and I can make a REAL go at being a productive member of society instead of continuing a career that I began and kept at just because "it was fun".
I threw a fit. I had a tantrum. I may need to apologize for things said, not meant. I felt completely betrayed and sucker punched. I can't imagine anyone reacting anymore happier about it than I did. I am an emotional creature and I have spent a lot of time evaluating these emotions and their weight and worth and began to reach towards living a life where non-attachment is the truth. It's been a slippery slope and I'm not completely proud but I do own my shit. I can recognize when something is my fault. Recognize and own up to it. I took some of that new compassion feeling into an outer view of me and saw instinctively what I chose to not see for the longest time, for whatever reason. I can't change the past. I have no control over that at all and thinking about it isn't going to make it change. I can't do anything about the future outcomes. I have no control over that either. The thing I can control right now is how I respond to things in front of me at that moment. I can lay down some actions to encourage that my life will take on a more positive route. I can continue to work on my loving kindness, my forgiveness of self and my forgiveness of others. I won't apologize for my emotions. I own those.
I figured out, based on insults he was hurling at me, what it is about me that he was trying to change. It was having an epiphany that left me feeling ashamed and hurt. Humbled. It came on Monday morning to me after I had finally felt I instinctively selected a career change path to take to switch gears. I was hiking on a trail and I was thinking about how this new career would change things. How I would have to change and I looked forward to progressing with this plan, it feels good deep down inside. Then it surfaced with me things that he said he didn't like about me. He didn't like my career, my health, he couldn't tolerate my lack of education, angered I had no friends. Basically he thinks I am white trash. He thinks I am beneath him in class and social structure. This is why he treats me like I am dog shit, he seriously thinks I'm dog shit.
My being humbled comes about when I realize at once, I can't blame him.
I spent so many times *thinking* about going back to school. *Attempting* to do the extroverted friend thing. Starting this or that project and not finishing. He felt I was a shitty parent and I have admitted I could use some help in that area, I am not disciplined enough. But when you come at me in an attacking manner regarding the relationship between us and the kids and how "awful" they are, I think its a natural reaction to be defensive. I have a 24 year old car because I own it outright. I can't do payments on a newer vehicle because I don't make enough money, and I have been ok with this. I have no credit and need to build some, I can be notoriously lazy and a martyr about being the cleaning fairy around the house. I don't have good health insurance, again the job thing and I have no retirement plans. I can't just walk into a new career and I have been wishy washy about returning to school because I felt like I didn't have time for it all.
I took a look at my life and behavior for the first time from his point of view without bias. I saw it as it was. I found my motivation for this new career path I want to take and its one where I can be proud of who I am and what I have done, despite set backs, and be able to provide for my family solely. To conduct myself in a fashion as to radiate loving kindness and have it returned to me. To be respected and admired both physically and mentally. The bare minimum was how I had been living my life and I have made a decision that the bare minimum will no longer be a standard of productivity. I don't know what made me go into that mode, I don't understand why I felt that was ok. Maybe it was because I was feeling so unsure of myself, a lack of self confidence when you are being told you are an awful person and not worthy of love, will surely make someone lose interest in what they have to bring to the table. Not to mention become less active in trying to make a better future. You just want to get through the day, week, month with out being insulted.
This is not something I have come to to try to impress anyone, least of all someone who gives no fucks about me, but it is definitely about returning to being the independent, strong woman I once was. It's not in spite of anyone either. This is no longer about anyone else but me. I made the mistake of being the support of someone else for so long instead of taking care of me and in the end I only shot myself in the foot. I have the whole rest of my life left and I have a lot of things I still want to accomplish. I finally have a goal, something to work for and something I can sink my life into. I don't have to ride on the coat tails of anyone else anymore and I can make a REAL go at being a productive member of society instead of continuing a career that I began and kept at just because "it was fun".
I threw a fit. I had a tantrum. I may need to apologize for things said, not meant. I felt completely betrayed and sucker punched. I can't imagine anyone reacting anymore happier about it than I did. I am an emotional creature and I have spent a lot of time evaluating these emotions and their weight and worth and began to reach towards living a life where non-attachment is the truth. It's been a slippery slope and I'm not completely proud but I do own my shit. I can recognize when something is my fault. Recognize and own up to it. I took some of that new compassion feeling into an outer view of me and saw instinctively what I chose to not see for the longest time, for whatever reason. I can't change the past. I have no control over that at all and thinking about it isn't going to make it change. I can't do anything about the future outcomes. I have no control over that either. The thing I can control right now is how I respond to things in front of me at that moment. I can lay down some actions to encourage that my life will take on a more positive route. I can continue to work on my loving kindness, my forgiveness of self and my forgiveness of others. I won't apologize for my emotions. I own those.
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