I have never felt this much animosity towards someone in my life. It's been a weird experience to say the least, but I think I am getting to more of a point where the gratitude just might start to tip the scale over hate. My goal is not complete forgiveness any time soon, but just to not have this road block of negativity in my life. Just scoot it out of the way and be done with it.
If you have ever been through a divorce, or a long term relationship breakup, you know there is a period of time (in most cases anyway) where the two of you have to be together. Perhaps even live with each other while other arrangements are being made. Whether that is a few days or months, it is something you just gotta do. So imagine at this time, and I can see this being true for victims of adultery, that the person you just had a monogamous, loving, trusting, commitment to, is rather immediately (suspiciously so) swept up into the arms of another lover. And you had to watch. And they got mad at you because you "won't be nice" to them. And they literally blamed you for everything that was wrong in the relationship. Ugh.
So it's not as cut and dry as it could be, hell it's not even a workable tear. This is a stab wound. Remember the part in Hellboy 2 where he had the piece of metal stuck in his heart? And the more they tried to get to it to remove it, the more it traveled towards the heart to kill him? It's like that.
So I rightfully think my healing process is going to be as equally as rough on the ascent up this giant hill of recovery.
That and I overthink the shit out of things.
My practice in practicing mindfulness has been getting quite the work out. I have to stop and ask myself if what I am thinking about is 'wholesome' or not. The redirecting to something happy is dependent on my mood. Literally sometimes its tough to find something to think about that makes you smile. It can be frustrating. And I'm not supposed to have expectations of the future but I tend to spend time day dreaming about my future and this is not good either. So lately my mantra has been to stay in the present. "The future only consists with a series of now's, the past is finished."
I have been future focused and that is a good thing. As far as I know, I am all ready for November to arrive. I don't want to talk about it now because I'm being superstitious. What I am doing seems too easy to be true that I am able to do it. I feel better in that my distraction is in the form of bettering myself and not being taken over by the lust and novelty of a new lover. Because what ultimately will happen is what you don't deal with now, will come back to deal with you later. I have been in the position of drowning my 'sadness' in the form of a new relationship. I made some bad decisions at those times. Bad...
I am starting to think of going through the things in the basement to separate, throw out, organize which feels healthy to me. I can't wait for him to do it, he won't. He will save it till last minute and turn into a fucking bear dealing with it. Fuck that game... I am starting to really appreciate the fact that I am not taking care of a 6 person family anymore. I don't have to meal plan and feel like I need to keep things clean. I don't give a shit plain and simple, except for the things I care about. I can do whatever the hell I want. If I don't want to have to sit down and eat dinner across from some jerk who was an awful person to me, I don't have to! I shouldn't fucking have to in the first place! I still feel sad about not getting to enjoy things together like we used to. I miss watching football. New seasons of shows we watched together coming out make me feel like I don't want to watch them anymore. I still feel like he is there in the back of my head somewhere. The little part I talk to all the time and share things with. I guess I have to recondition my brain to channel that wire back to myself now. I have to remind myself he isn't who he was anymore. The man I knew is in the past and we do not live there anymore.
Aside from the aches and pains of work, physically I am feeling fabulous. It's rather amazing how finding the right combination of medications can make you feel great inside and eventually outside. I have dropped 20 pounds, I am seeking out exercise on a daily basis, I don't eat like a tapeworm and I feel sexier. I think I did the right thing in seeking out a fwb as soon as I could, It's been an ego boost for sure without having the added pressure of another person in my life. Not that I don't want that ultimately, I just consider if its going to be any more work than what should occur naturally, then it isn't the love I want. I don't want to have to work at getting to know and fall in love with someone. That's just lust. The trouble is with my friend, he lives further away than I would like. But its a catch 22 when you're also not supposed to eat where you shit.
So in baby steps I am getting through this. Just like everyone has predicted. I am trying to be patient and I am trying to keep busy. I am working on my future and disregarding my past. I am learning to accept the appreciation of lessons learned/learning but still a long way from forgiveness but I am ok with that. I am being open to any possibilities in my life and staying eager at the chance for better circumstances (sooner rather than later hopefully). I'm taking care of me and reminding myself to be patient with myself. I so very much miss the closeness and intimacy of someone but the craving just has become a sort of fuel for taking better care of me. Ultimately at this time, the possibilities are endless...
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