I spent the time being my 'own best friend', and I usually give myself very good advice, you know. Tried to keep the mind frame in its happy place. Which worked most of the weekend. Until he came home Sunday and I felt like a vampire getting caught in sunlight. Old school style, cape, castle, hissing and retreating into the shadows...
I feel like a prisoner in my own home. Only because the very thought of him even being around makes my stomach curdle. If my eyes are forced to look in his direction I involuntarily start to scowl in disgust. All because I have finally come to terms with who exactly he is as a person. Even after the disposal of me, I found myself making excuses for him. Trying to find reason in the chaos that swarmed. I still genuinely believed he was a good person. A great catch, a friend who wouldn't let you down. Now I constantly hear echos in my head of mean things he has verbally said to me over the years. They way he glared at me. The selfish way of living. The narcissistic behavior. I see swagger and ego. I am reminded of my own faults.
So then I have to spend time doing a re-patch on my own self confidence, which when it seems like you spend a lot of time doing, it starts to get not so convincing. I want to be able to forgive so I can stop burning up with this fury of injustice and bandage the wounds already. Not to have to be reminded on a daily basis that someone I loved heart and soul thinks I am the worst thing to ever happen to him. That I am unworthy of love. It is still how surreal it all is. How someone can go from best friend and close lover to complete maliciously mean stranger almost overnight. All because of another woman.
I need to be able to forgive so I can stop imagining scenarios where I actually come out the winner. So I can more presently radiate that which I want in return, respect, love, happiness... So I can stop mourning for the loss of a future and quit being haunted by the regretful decisions of the past. I am continuing on with one foot in front of the other, as steady of a pace as I can, and focusing on me. If all goes as it is seeming to, come November I am going to become a very busy woman. I try to fill my days with trying to accomplish little things to get things moving for things to be able to happen in my future the way that I want them to, now that I have a plan. It's not necessarily the plan I thought i was going to head towards but that was my own speculation of a magical life. The important thing is, it's a plan and I am excited to have one. One that is achievable and worth the extra work now. It doesn't matter that I didn't have it sooner, the past is the past and you can't change it. I am here, now and that is what matters.
Other than the dark brooding hate that I have for someone I had just as much love for, things are well. I am losing weight, feeling fantastic, feeling attractive, being adventurous, feeling happy. I am busy at work, I have landed a FWB that actually is fucking fantastic. I'm looking forward to my future progressing and remaining open minded to the fact that changes may be made along the way. I have got to try to let go of expectations.
Overall I am much happier and clearer headed than I have been in a very long time. It's times like these that I really wish I did have someone close to me that I can share with. That exchange of energies and the intimacy of shared feelings on a cellular level. I know that even after all the damage incurred with this experience, all the trauma exposure, the dust settling on the battlefield, I am not broken. I still have the capability to love and to want to be loved. When I read things that describe a special kind of heartbreak, the kind that feels like something a part of you has died, they aren't kidding. I know now the exact destitution they are speaking of. It becomes a life changer in some of the most dramatic ways.
and now, if someone I care for starts to tell me what they will and won't tolerate from me in a relationship, I will know I have to run far and run fast.
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