Since Sunday things have been quiet. Very quiet. I keep to myself and he keeps hidden away. I BARELY have enough respect to stand to be in the same room with him at this point much less look at or talk to. I have a lot of time to think about a lot of things, unfortunately, and while I try to ignore the chatter of anger towards him I still keep being inundated with things he said to me. About me. It makes me physically ill to think about how much of a stranger he has become. It's literally like night and day. It still is so surreal to me.
I figured out, based on insults he was hurling at me, what it is about me that he was trying to change. It was having an epiphany that left me feeling ashamed and hurt. Humbled. It came on Monday morning to me after I had finally felt I instinctively selected a career change path to take to switch gears. I was hiking on a trail and I was thinking about how this new career would change things. How I would have to change and I looked forward to progressing with this plan, it feels good deep down inside. Then it surfaced with me things that he said he didn't like about me. He didn't like my career, my health, he couldn't tolerate my lack of education, angered I had no friends. Basically he thinks I am white trash. He thinks I am beneath him in class and social structure. This is why he treats me like I am dog shit, he seriously thinks I'm dog shit.
My being humbled comes about when I realize at once, I can't blame him.
I spent so many times *thinking* about going back to school. *Attempting* to do the extroverted friend thing. Starting this or that project and not finishing. He felt I was a shitty parent and I have admitted I could use some help in that area, I am not disciplined enough. But when you come at me in an attacking manner regarding the relationship between us and the kids and how "awful" they are, I think its a natural reaction to be defensive. I have a 24 year old car because I own it outright. I can't do payments on a newer vehicle because I don't make enough money, and I have been ok with this. I have no credit and need to build some, I can be notoriously lazy and a martyr about being the cleaning fairy around the house. I don't have good health insurance, again the job thing and I have no retirement plans. I can't just walk into a new career and I have been wishy washy about returning to school because I felt like I didn't have time for it all.
I took a look at my life and behavior for the first time from his point of view without bias. I saw it as it was. I found my motivation for this new career path I want to take and its one where I can be proud of who I am and what I have done, despite set backs, and be able to provide for my family solely. To conduct myself in a fashion as to radiate loving kindness and have it returned to me. To be respected and admired both physically and mentally. The bare minimum was how I had been living my life and I have made a decision that the bare minimum will no longer be a standard of productivity. I don't know what made me go into that mode, I don't understand why I felt that was ok. Maybe it was because I was feeling so unsure of myself, a lack of self confidence when you are being told you are an awful person and not worthy of love, will surely make someone lose interest in what they have to bring to the table. Not to mention become less active in trying to make a better future. You just want to get through the day, week, month with out being insulted.
This is not something I have come to to try to impress anyone, least of all someone who gives no fucks about me, but it is definitely about returning to being the independent, strong woman I once was. It's not in spite of anyone either. This is no longer about anyone else but me. I made the mistake of being the support of someone else for so long instead of taking care of me and in the end I only shot myself in the foot. I have the whole rest of my life left and I have a lot of things I still want to accomplish. I finally have a goal, something to work for and something I can sink my life into. I don't have to ride on the coat tails of anyone else anymore and I can make a REAL go at being a productive member of society instead of continuing a career that I began and kept at just because "it was fun".
I threw a fit. I had a tantrum. I may need to apologize for things said, not meant. I felt completely betrayed and sucker punched. I can't imagine anyone reacting anymore happier about it than I did. I am an emotional creature and I have spent a lot of time evaluating these emotions and their weight and worth and began to reach towards living a life where non-attachment is the truth. It's been a slippery slope and I'm not completely proud but I do own my shit. I can recognize when something is my fault. Recognize and own up to it. I took some of that new compassion feeling into an outer view of me and saw instinctively what I chose to not see for the longest time, for whatever reason. I can't change the past. I have no control over that at all and thinking about it isn't going to make it change. I can't do anything about the future outcomes. I have no control over that either. The thing I can control right now is how I respond to things in front of me at that moment. I can lay down some actions to encourage that my life will take on a more positive route. I can continue to work on my loving kindness, my forgiveness of self and my forgiveness of others. I won't apologize for my emotions. I own those.
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