So I've been doing reflecting lately, like I'm ever not, and today was just an emotional day. I've been very good about just avoidance at all costs because it just sets me off, and trying to just focus on other things. Happy things. Fun things. Good things. At least that is how its supposed to work anyway....
I've hit a point where I'm just sad. I feel so defeated. I keep going back to the fact that an affair is an affair. I can even go back in my history and showed when I inquired about 'whether or not your partner is having an emotional affair' months before this ever came about. And I didn't do anything about it because I trusted him.
So, I feel fucking sad about it.
I'm still angry, don't get me wrong. I have been put in a position of living arrangement against my will and I don't appreciate being lied to. Being able to move out and away would have been a huge privilege. The constant judgmental attitude kinda sucks and I'm angry it all happened over night.
So, its traumatic. Things are happening emotionally in me that I have never seen or been before in my life, and I have had to put up with some serious crap. Trouble is, most of those situations can be handled without emotion. It's fight or flight and when its either one, your just in survival mode. You don't have time to feel. And Mr. Charming arrives, and its magic and you FINALLY trust someone and build a future and a family and then all that malicious meanness comes out of two strangers who for some reason unknown why, detest each other. The man that used to make me want to be a better person has turned me into someone I don't like. I know he doesn't like who he has become. At least according to his holy teachings. The desperation is just seeping out of every pore of this house and I'm anxious to get along.
So there is emotional progress happening. I only almost started to cry a few times and I haven't cried in a long time. I feel over emotional lately anyway for some reason. I'm getting irritated that my FWB is deciding to become more attached. I keep looking around this house and everything in it. It's all combined and mixed and a culmination of love and laughter and I don't want it. I don't want to go through it. I don't want to have to deal with the physical separation of belongings when HE was the one who 'left'. I have to start over anyway, fuck.
This journey has been hard as hell. I'm emotionally drained and have been made a big enough fool to keep me humble for a very long time. There is still this energy he brings with him that I can read in the house and it makes me feel sick, like pit in my stomach because its not supposed to be 'my vibration' to feel anymore and I can't help it. I think the hard thing right now is thinking about forgiveness. I feel so wounded still I can't just say "oh, its fine. I'm ok". Cause I'm not. I'm working on it and I'm trying so very hard to think positive thoughts for him and I might squeak in one or two here and there, like every success he is earning he totally deserves because he worked really hard for it. I ought to know, I was there. I have a very sinking feeling he is up to something against me. Which is unfortunate because I was under the impression I was given two shits about.
I have an uncertain future. No family. A confusion about self worth after being told I haven't got any. No one to share it with and being forced to watch my ex fiance become romantically involved immediately after serving me papers. Literally. Out of the Blue.
Yeah. I'm still a touch bitter.
I'll get there, I'm really trying....
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