It's a good time, I am not however.

I hit a stride and then I kinda fell off. 
I hit a stride in the dance of work/school/social that was fluid and productive without killing me and I got a little loose. 
As in I had to have a minor surgery the week before spring break.  It left me a muddle of a brain and I couldn't focus for anything so naturally I was going to catch up on everything and mostly likely get a head start on the next weeks whatevers because that is what over achievers do.
Clearly I just have delusions I am an over achiever...when I am not over achieving.

Back on track. Back in the saddle.  There is work that can't be made up but I was sitting on nothing less than a B anyway so I was/am ok with the loss.  Its not the end of the world. 
Advisor : You're taking all these classes?
Me: yeah
Advisor : And you're passing?
Me : yeah?
Advisor : You work full time?
Me : yes
Advisor : kids?
Me : Yup.  Two teens.
Advisor : And you're passing?
Me: Well I'm single, so I don't have a whole lot of other things going on.

I had a meeting with an advisor last week for my degree plan and if I just keep plugging along, pretty soon I'll be at University still plugging along. 
This is how life works for people who grow up with out money or family and devote their lives to others in service.  In a way, it's a form of me devoting service to myself finally and a reminder that we don't always get the things in life in the way that we want them.  A feeling of gratefulness that I can and am progressing. 

Phases come and go and one that repeatedly sticks it's nose in my business is the lonely factor.  I get into my groove and I don't have time to stew about how I don't have anyone to share time with.  No time to think about how it feels just to have a physical/mental connection.  I don't think about the fact I get no attention from anyone. "See? Look Melissa.  You don't even have room in your life to entertain someone."
I do something that in the past would have gotten me a scolding because its not the way HE wanted it and I think again, "See Melissa? You have everything how you like it.  You do what you want, you have your schedule, you don't have to live in that cringe where you never know if you are in the wrong or not.  Why try to find someone who is just gonna screw that up?"
And I hate that it has taken me this long to acknowledge that not everyone will be as demanding of me.  I specifically had taken to avoiding dating for the simple fact that I feared after the gushy stage I would be catapulted into another pool of being wrong and not enough with verbal affirmation. 
(My Facebook 'memories' are a rich source of flashbacks for being treated like shit.)

I'm not dating.  I'm not specifically out there looking for someone.  I refuse to do the online nonsense  and I'm just flat out being told by the universe that even if I am attracted to someone, they won't be attracted back. 
I'm slowly and courageously turning off anything in my head that says "Hey, you're making my ovaries do jumping jacks buddy, let's do something about that!"because even when I tried DESPERATELY to have some sort of bedroom gymnastics with someone for the pure fun of it?..... like it just won't happen.
It's not a viable option. 
Not for me, of course.
Apparently I am just trying to sleep with people who are not attracted to me. Well two people. I attempted it twice in the past year.  It's not like I'm waving things around. I'm picky and I like who I like, ok?)

Naturally this is a thing that is ego crushing. 
So I'm over it.  I'm over trying to find a partner bedroom wise and I'm wearing this super heavy parka of insecurity and doubt to keep me weighted down from floating to the surface to check out what else is about. 
I'm aware that there is interest around me.  I'm not dead.  Just not in the mood or attracted or there are red flags or timing is just bad. I don't care if it's looked at as a self fulfilling prophecy, it's what I want now.  ME. I've learned to re listen to my instincts and it's paying off like a jackpot. Being an empath doesn't help either, there are people that are just drawn to you because they either feed off of your loving caring or they want to suppress you.  As in my experience, both.  So I run and I don't entertain these people that cling to trying to find something that they think will bring them happiness or comfort.  I'm not alive for that. I am not here to be your blankie in life.  Other people are not alive for you to dictate how they love you while you hide behind a delusion of being the greatest ever.

I had a visitor about a week ago come into my work and surprise me.  I called him Papa Gary for a bit in my life and it felt really nice to talk to him and see that he seemed to be doing well.  It made me smile.  He said I genuinely looked happy and he wanted me to tell my kids a message of love and potential for themselves.  He almost looked humbled that I was doing so well. Like he didn't expect all of the successes I had listed for ourselves.  He wanted me to pass on to my kids a message "Tell them there are still men in this world who don't abandon their families." to which I replied "There are still men in this world who are capable of loving more than themselves and don't have control issues too."
It absolutely got me thinking.  Sometimes little things will happen and it can put me into a spin of anxiety or anger because of PTSD out of coming out of an abusive relationship but this was a calm understanding.  There was this bubble of trying to figure out certain things of why the Good Christian was the way that he was.  This bubble was floating all around me for years, just out of vision, just out of reach and when Papa Gary left, that bubble popped.  I saw it clear as day.  About being angry at your father's choices in life and how he has done.  About resentment and control and selfishness.  About trying to make the choices in your life you think your father should have done and making judgements about him for not making the decisions you think he should.  It's bitching about how they don't do for you when you haven't don't shit for them.  It's an asshole who walks away from his parents because he doesn't want to deal with their mental health that doesn't even really affect him anymore. 
I am able to look at it now clearly and see it in black and white.  It just makes me shake my head...

Kids.  Work.  School. Home.  Me.
It's a good time to be alone and single.
It's a bad time to try to feel like a sexual creature.
     Which I think is a shame cause I look DAMN fine at this point..... taking care of myself with loving myself and all.....
 

Maybe she's just not into you

Dating now is pretty much the biggest joke of my lifetime.   I can't even call it dating.  While I'm sure it is just me (in a way I kinda hope it is because, Jesus Christ, if it's like this for most women, I am officially dumbfounded...)  it has been truthfully the most disappointing, depressing thing to come along. 
...er not come along...

I have not been on one date for over a year.  If you were to judge by facebook stalkers, you would assume I have my pick of suitors.  I would like to take a second here to clarify that those that ARE local to me, have not ever asked me out.  The ones that have, I am clearly not interested in as I have attempted dating before.  I cannot express enough, politely, how much disinterest I have in someone who thought I wasn't worth it before.  Seriously.  This is an insult and I don't understand how it can be viewed as anything but.  Then there are these others that like to chat every so often, flirt, let me know they are interested in having my attention but then I got to thinking, "why hasn't this happened?" Like why haven't we met up for drinks or gone out for a hike? How is it we aren't getting to know one another over a late lunch on a Sunday or cheering on the team on a Sunday? Well, because it hasn't been an option. 

There is an awful trend emerging around me that I am pretty much pissed off about.  It is this weird trend where men don't want to commit to anything.  Not even a date.  Seriously.  But they want all the benefits that come with getting to know someone and falling into a bed. By way of not doing any of the prep work.  (Again, I iterate, its likely just me that gets treated this way.  Maybe its the desperation they see, I dunno...) I have had more married/attached men attempt to invite me out than I have single/available.  Likely because they can be bolder knowing more than likely I will say NO.  These other ones?  I have no doubt in my mind that were I to just say, hey, come on over to my place, we'll "netflix and chill" and I would have it.  Never do they need an initial meeting or personality exchange. 
So what happens when I legitimately ask someone to consider the possibility of meeting up for a cocktail or coffee?
I get ignored. 
Flat out ignored. 
Until a few days later and they need an ego stroked again.  As if even at 40+ years old, these boys live in this world where Penthouse Forum actually exists and they too can have a piece of the action.
And I wonder what I did to deserve to be thought of as this.  And I see every now and then how that one guy, I really did like at one point so long ago, is the same way.  And I wonder why I bother talking to these assholes....

If I'm out and flirting (or lets be honest in my recent history, being embarrassingly, drunkenly, aggressive at throwing myself at someone I assumed was mutually attracted), that's on me.  That is mine, I own it.  I initiated something I wanted.  It has yet to come to any solid fruition but at least it's me saying "I want this, and I know I don't get anything else from you because this is what its about, right here, right now." You can't tell me there isn't a man out there who wouldn't appreciate that about a woman.  But the the shitty thing I encounter now, is that not only do men completely expect the impermanence of any given 'relationship' (no matter how fleeting) but  also expect the woman to initiate being the fuck-hole aspect of it while respecting their own need for transience.
I've spent the better part of becoming a woman, trying to come into my own of being an independent, strong, smart, charismatic, dynamic creature who prides herself on her ability to communicate, love and understand all with a grain of sand and a hidden critical eye who gets to make these empowering choices of who I do and do not let into my life intimately, while this dude sits here and says, 'yeah, I like that.  I'll take what your offering.  I mean, I don't REALLY want 'you' per-say, but yeah, sounds cool." 
So then I have to come to the realization that I deserve better.  I deserve to be acknowledged.  Appreciated.  And ultimately, it just leaves me angry over all.  And then I have to hear about how Mr so and so (who clearly was just waiting for his Penthouse Forum moment) took this pretty thing out for dinner and is looking forward to spending more time with her and I then, at that point, just want to watch the world burn.

Mostly I'm in bliss with how my life is structured right now.  I am getting to make plans and to take vacations I never was able to before, (because it wasn't in 'his' interest), I have my home as clean and tidy as I need it.  I don't have to tolerate someone else's shitty mood taking over the whole environment and I don't have to sacrifice most of myself anymore.  I'm financially stable, I don't rely on anyone to feed my ego about how great I am and I don't have to be fearful of doing, or saying the wrong things. 

I recently found an old journal, I thought was empty, but when I opened it up there were pages in it dating from the beginning of 2013, pouring my broken heart out about how I was told I was a horrible person.  How 'my' mood affected everyone and how everyone else's shitty attitude was because of me. How I was "barely tolerated". I was given a list of things I was not allowed to feel or believe about 'us' and when I accused him of being a bully and using abusive tactics, I was told that wasn't the case.  That he felt he was completely in the right to do this.  That I clearly had no idea of what a bully or abuse was.  And it hit me like a ton of bricks how awful he really was.  What kind of a monster he was to me.  How I sat there and cried over wondering what I did and how I could try to fix this.  I pondered how he spent all of his time being Mr wonderful to everyone else and came home and treated me like this because I wasn't worshiping him the way HE wanted.  I actually asked myself what I was to him because I really didn't know.  I felt so angry with myself for being such a fool.  For believing it WAS me.  For thinking I wasn't doing enough. 
It was such a powerful reminder to not ever doubt myself again.

So often now, I am overcome with these feelings of loneliness and missing having that intimacy with someone I appreciate and want to be with, someone who actually wants to spend time with me as well, but it all is worth NOT having just anyone around and sacrificing my worth on some piece of shit asshole.

Then there are days like today.  Where it was a difficult, long, trying day at work.  When on the way home I just find tears streaming down my cheeks because I know, once again, when I get home, there won't be anyone there to just give me a hug. 
Probably have 42 messages from a few jerks who want to get laid (its not like I've put out for over a year, why they think I'm the one to hit up I have NO clue...).  Just more opportunities to lift up my head and attempt to talk myself into thinking that maybe one day someone I'm attracted to might be attracted back. And maybe, it will finally be right.

My space for you

Sometimes people would rather deny their nature to those who see through whatever they are putting up.  It's basically lying.  This can be a pretty frustrating thing to have to try to work around, with or against when all I want is the truth.  Regardless of already knowing the truth, there is something about watching people squirm with their own denial for whatever reason, that makes me personally uncomfortable for a myriad of reasons.  Just state the truth and be done with it.  I don't need protecting.  I don't want anything from anyone they aren't willing to give of their own free will and to act like you have an edge up on someone in a deceiving way is pretty lame. 
This isn't about projection.  I wish it was.  That would imply I am wanting something for personal gain from someone.  That I am being selfish and controlling.  It's just an ability to read people that not everyone shares.  And it sucks.

I'm learning everyday, more and more, little by little, to bite my tongue and keep my opinions to myself about misleading behaviors brought to me by others.  It's not my place in the world to call people out for being ridiculous or to tell them their ego needs a bit of lightening up.  I figure that is their issue or problem, not mine  I have the ability to allow it to happen to me or to walk away and I am learning to do so without feeling I need to spout out a final 'wind beneath my wings fuck you' lecture on how I feel and why I matter to those that clearly don't care nor see things the way I do.  Even with continued denial to themselves, as uncomfortable and sad as it may be, I can't continue to try to feel like others need to know they have disrespected me or themselves.  The thing is, if you haven't figured out by now how to just be a good and decent person, it's not going to come from me telling you. 

I keep running into these combative people lately and I find myself just taking in their wounded ways of dealing with things and not taking it personal.  I think really its about time I am able to do this instead of feeling like I can help others or guide gently.  No one likes to feel invalidated or to be told what they are feeling is wrong.  Believe me, as a victim of that sort of treatment for years, I fully understand the value of holding space for others.  It has become something that pulses through me most every waking hour now.

I don't want to know why people do what they do anymore.  I am beginning to feel their own confused ideas of their own agendas only clouds my ability to not stand in judgement of them.  I don't want to give unsolicited advice to someone who sees it as a threat or me being self righteous.  I just want to be that person who can hold space for others, no matter who, no matter what. 
This means being there for them.  Listening without judgement.  caring for others and letting them know that I DO care.  That I am thinking of them with only good intentions.  That I am able to be trusted and have the ability to go to the mat for them.  This also means I spend more time telling those around me how I feel, and any intentions/inclinations I might have.  I think a certain level of honesty can be too much for some and I'm ok with that because its likely if they are offended or intimidated by me, they don't need to be a part of my life anyway. 
My ability to allow this has increased by leaps and bounds and my peace within has grown as well in ways I could never have imagined. 

I have had a rough month.  A very rough month as far as being emotional and having this deep rage that burned so deep within, I didn't know that it would ever leave.  I know a large part of it was removing medication from my ability to cope with the world but having being prepared for that, I feel I was better able to at least contain my aggressive nature to my immediate self.  In part having to be reminded every fucking Christmas day of the memory of my mothers old high school boyfriend, I had JUST recently met and became friends with, showing up at my door that morning, phone in had with my bitch of a grandmother on the other end saying "Melissa, it's grandma" and knowing instantly with nothing more being said, my mother was no more. 

Then one day last week I had a fierce breakdown.  Just everything I touched and everyone I talked to turned to shit and I was just. Done.  The kids stayed quiet with their doors open to hear my colorful words flying all over the kitchen and the dogs stayed clear of the path of the beast pacing the kitchen. I apologized to them later and explained it wasn't personal, I was having a very bad time and frustration had taken over.  To which my son replied with "I'm sorry your are having such a hard time mom, I hope you feel better soon."  Cue more tears, this time out of love instead of anger. 
The next day at work, I fell and I fell hard on my knees.  I felt this incredible amount of wicked rage well up inside of me and my skin burned hot with the prickled heat of wanting justice.  I had this tunnel vision and wanted nothing more but to destroy by my own hand every fucking thing around me.  I slammed my hands down repeatedly on the concrete floor and forced the welling in my eyes to be evaporated by the hot nuclear ball of energy I had inside of my heart.  I felt the pain in my hands and wrists.  My skin stinging and the image of me on the floor throwing a fit like a toddler left me in a state of numbness.  So I caved.  I just stopped.  I voided my head of feelings and not unlike a robot I just got up and went back to do what I had just done again, but this time not landing on my knees harshly.  It was like a fever breaking and from then on, I was just relieved of my fierceness and feeling out of control.  It was an epiphany handed to me without fanfare and it gave me my smile back.

I was able to provide my children with a decent holiday, we had an intimate dinner by ourselves and had the addition of my daughter's boyfriend.  I made special gifts for my co workers who have helped me grow and assisted in my increasingly bountiful clientele and I have been able to just appreciate life for all it is and stop wanting what I know its not.  Figuring out what I do want and how I can go about having certain things in my world, not at the expense of others and not expecting others to provide that for me.  I never was a very superficial person at all but being able to reflect on others in my life with their own ideas of ridiculous sense of entitlement has left me feeling less guilty about wanting the simple things I do want for myself, for my family, for the world around me. 

I took last semester off of school to better deal with the things I had going on at the time and I am glad I did.  I am getting back to a full schedule this week and I am relieved I was able to take care of my list of deeds so I will be better able to focus on my studies.  I'm addressing my own needs and desires to have and keep certain people in my life and letting them know in no uncertain terms, how much they are loved and respected by me.  It has become so important to me to make sure I am able to orate in some manner, always respectable and always from a place of love, the honest truth but not to lay it on others as  a mechanism for control. 
Because I want to lead by example and I don't want others to feel they have to hide behind denial in their own feelings and agendas. 
I can and I will walk away from this version of lying  to me because I owe no one anything and they in return, owe me nothing. 
In the meantime, honesty and being real will always be met with me holding space for you, everyone deserves that. 

Ready for admission

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free.

Blackbird fly Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird fly Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Songwriters: John Lennon / Paul McCartney

 

I know what this song was intended to represent.  There has always been something about this song that whenever I hear it, I absolutely have to stop and close my eyes and listen to it. 

(traffic appropriate of course)

Civil rights...

 human rights, womanhood,

... me. 

We all seek something, we will never stop.  We all want, we all need, we all desire, its what you do and who you are to garner your wishes you want to come true.  And, as we all know, wishes don't generally come true. (thank goodness). 

They come true to a point but not with YOUR specifics is the weird thing.  

How many times have we heard the "just ask and ye shall receive" line?  Or the terms "manifest destination",  "Law of Attraction"?  

There is that whole silly 'balance' thing in the universe so yeah, you can get what you want but do you want it?

 

My most recent epiphany was realizing I can go after the things I want.  Not just the stupid degree for a stupid better paying job that won't leave me a drone, but for everything.  The other part of that is feeling confident enough to realize not only can I actually do that but also know more specifically what I want AND to be able to have enough confidence back that was stripped of me to go get it.  My obligation isn't to some "family" anymore that didn't give a shit either way if I was there making a home.  Not to some asshole who felt (and said as much) that I was there to serve him.  I'm not going to pretend I have everything figured out but I finally feel that I have worked through enough to know I don't deserve to be treated like shit.  Like as a wandering cheerleader for someone else. 

 

I am so amazed at how far I have come and how I represent now.  

Because of this, I make these impulsive decisions that I can feel good about. It's not a matter of justification, its relearning to listen to instinct.  

I'm not even going to pretend I'm not an over-thinker, that's who I am.  It's called "management" in my book.  I've had a fucking lifetime of it, just not for practical life.  I can deal with drug addicts and alcoholics better than I can with everyday society, literally, they are more real to me.  So, in an attempt to just let shit go, I just smile and nod at the general populace and extend my never ending patience.  I mean really, why get pissed off?  I don't know their troubles...

So I got that covered.

 

Now I feel like I'm moving into new territory and I feel like I have TOO much confidence.  To say I feel I might be attractive to someone? To feel sexual? To feel like I have anything to offer? It's all yes, yes, yes and no, no, no.  I suppose it keeps me from being an asshole.  

 

a year and a half single.  Nothing, Nada.

No dates, no invitations, no anything special at all. A couple assholes you meet on online dating sites which really are "I'm here to get laid" sites.  (so absolutely done with that bullshit,organic for me please) 

All of a sudden I am feeling this pull to companionship and I don't know how to handle it. Dating CLEARLY isn't dating anymore.  I haven't been asked out proper during this time.  That boy hasn't picked up the phone to literally talk to me.  As much as I am a feminist, I never pretended to be a dominant. But apparently during the past 8 years or so, times have become such that I not only have to own myself but also be aggressive in dating as well?  Honestly, I thought I was already....

It's not like I'm a wallflower but shit, this is ridiculous. My experience completely, has been boys just show up and girls do ALL the work.  The only explanation is, no one feels you're worth making the effort to step up to you.

 

And apparently the sex thing is confusing as hell.  What the hell is someone with a high libido supposed to do? I'm in a year dry spell and what I want to do is enjoy that aspect without A) looking like a slut they refuse to respect or B) making a man feel if we become intimate it's all or nothing. 

I've come to the point where I want what anyone wants.  I want a best friend I can have awesome sex with.  I want the companionship of comfort and enough static to make manners.  I want to watch that shitty movie while drinking and laughing with someone.  I want to let that someone know, I am solid for anything they need. I want the feedback that says, "I was thinking about you too".   I want to be respected and not invalidated ... ever again. I want to be able to speak my mind on my feelings as everyone else does and not feel self conscience about what they may feel about it.  I want....

To get to know someone intimately that also wants that from me.  and not pretend as in, "I'll do this only because I want to fuck you". Because personally, I need intimacy with my fucking, sorry.  I'm a bullshit detector, I see it too much.

Someone who isn't afraid of labels.

A man to tell me what is on his mind about me without being a dick about it but at the same time, be respectful.  It really isn't all or nothing, It's sex and companionship.

Not either ~ or.

The really stupid thing? 

Trying to find a man I'm attracted to, to be with, was a lot less complicated when I was younger.  Now, if I want physical touch on my skin, I feel like I have to spend so much of an investment just to find out he didn't care about it anyway.  And, I'm over 40. Go figure. 

Well I do.  And I don't go running into the very next relationship to figure that out.  Ever.  Because I don't need someone else to make me happy ultimately.  I don't need a caretaker.  I don't need someone to be my slave/cheerleader. I can take my time.  I am not a predator.  I don't have this inane need for control over others.  

but for fucks sake is it too much to want to be acknowledged at least?

Maybe his last one was a "one in a million"  for various "crazybitch" reasons but you know what?

I'm more than that. 

I refuse to be treated as anything less. 

I have all kinds of patience.  What I don't have....

well I can't wait to write about it when I get it and don't have to wonder about it anymore.

In the meantime, 

Say what you need to say. 

To anyone you need to say it to. 

Just be real.

 

 

Suicidal Tendencies

A few years ago I sat in my gynecologists exam room and we were monitoring how my estrogen supplements were working for my period issues.  I was having a super PMS filled, heavy, painful time every two weeks.  It was working fabulous in that I didn't have to suffer as frequently.  She asked "How are you feeling otherwise?" and I remember like it was yesterday. I already had tears welling up ready to spill down my face, my nose swelling with a push of either pain of the heart or snot, perhaps both.  I wanted to press my face into this woman's chest and have her embrace me as I told her I was afraid.  That I was scared, ashamed, that I thought to blame it on my new medication but all I told her as I fought to get the words out over the sobbing I knew was there, was that I felt suicidal. 
"I feel like an emotional wreck and I absolutely cannot handle this on my own anymore.  I have suicidal thoughts."

I didn't want to admit it to myself because at the time I was supposed to be in a stable relationship, had a family to worry myself with, a job I was trying to build up clientele with.... I had too many other things to worry about, there was no way I could be so upset about my own self, I didn't feel I had any more self to give.  As if I was all used up, spoken for, how could I possibly be missing something with my life so full?  There was nothing I could fathom that I should have been upset about other than all the health issues I was being tested for...

My doctor nodded and smiled kindly to me, asked if I was wanting to try some anti-depressants and I nodded yes. 
So began my second journey with medication for moods. 
The first time being when I was about ready to divorce my husband.  It was taking a toll on me to try to be everything to someone who didn't want me.  For someone I wasn't built to be with.  I stopped taking them because it made me blank.  For someone who has spent (then in my late 20's) twenty years with a constant babble in their brain, to have it just stop, was very uncomfortable.  I was well aware of the fact that I was feeling nothing when I knew I should be feeling something about anything.  So came to be yet another time in my life where I said fuck it, I'll self teach myself how to deal with this crap, as usual.  The therapist at the time wanted to just give me a prescription and send me off.

I don't know how it is supposed to be, how to teach your child about their emotions and how to deal with them, with life.  I hope I am doing ok with my own, but children defy you no matter your advice because, lets face it, sometimes you have to learn on your own.  Looking back though, I don't think ideally leaving a 9 year old to self-harm is an ideal way for her to learn things. 
I was self inflicting before I knew what it was.  It was instinct and I don't know how. 
It was me sitting in my bed at 2 a.m. while my mom and her friends played Yahtzee drunk and on speed, loudly in the next room all night while I had school in the morning and only a curtain for a door dividing us.  Crying so hard I could feel how swollen my eyes were.  Trying to drown out the adult noise with my fingernails scraping up my thighs until I bled.
So what?
Big deal?
So the adults were partying, its not like I was in harms way.
Except by this point I had witnessed enough to know that things could go south at any minute during these "festivities".  I had known men would beat their wives/girlfriends in front of children they thought weren't watching.  I knew my mom was at a bar the night she was beaten and raped, left for dead. It was having to leave the house so fast to go 'kill time' at a park while he cooled down and I had no shoes to run around on tanbark.  I still hate that shit...
I had no control over my situation and I knew it. 

For most of my life I knew more about other people than they knew of themselves.  Myself included.  It's pretty much a survival thing when you are dealing with drug addicts and alcoholics.  You have to learn to decipher who is real and who is a ghost.  Who is checking out and who is honestly there.  I spent a lot of time in the shadows watching adults and making correct predictions.  It's second nature to me now.  But what does a child do with all that going on while trying to deal with the fact that this is family?  You can't talk to a drug addict about feelings.  They are selfish.  It's like a law.  You have to take each day, hour, minute as it comes and just be prepared.  Your feelings don't matter, whats the point in releasing them?

You bottle it up until it explodes.  Either in a form of self destruction, hate, anger, defiance.  Choose your poison.  It never ends positive.  Your not Scarlett O'Hara telling no one in particular you'll never go hungry again and making good on your promise.  It's always a hellfire of rage and resentment because what came to be, shall pass.  Sometimes not without trying to take you down with it in the form of finalization. 

Things were out of my control not too long ago and I knew it.  I didn't feel there was an answer. I felt I was treading water.  Always busy, always tired, always feeling sick and always feeling I wasn't doing/being/offering enough. Being told on a continual basis there is something wrong with you and being denied constantly the things you want to do or experience makes one feel less worthy as well.  Which was what brought me almost sobbing to my gynecologist that morning.  A huge feeling of being out of control and not knowing what to do about it. 

I don't like to feel as if I am in 'recovery' because that implies an inane sense of damage I had within myself, but progress isn't quite the right term either.  I use recovery though because 'time of reconciliation' is a little formal.  Regardless of definition of time used, I am now at a point where I am no longer in need of anti-depressants and it is a point of raw fulfillment. 
(Kinda big news for an addictive personality like myself. WOOP WOOP)

Saying and knowing you are worth something are two different things.  Not having a daily reminder from someone basically saying 'almost, but not quite...' and knowing I am true are the difference. "Well M., it's not like you couldn't have known that then."
We'll talk to that point after you have had someone little by little, day by day, week by month by year try to bury you because you weren't the person they wanted you to be.
I can't even fathom right now....
what a stranger I had become in trying to accommodate and please. 

It's been a bit of a stressful time for me.  I hate the holidays. It's my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years by myself.  Its a reminder that eleven years ago my mother committed suicide on Christmas eve.  It's being reminded every single fucking year you are NO reason to be celebrated but god forbid you fail to recognize someone else. As much as I want to say I don't give a fuck about the holidays, I do. So I do my best to ignore them. This way, no fucks are given.

I'm not done though is the thing.  I won't be until... well, until I'm done I suppose.  I have nothing but time really.  I take care of my responsibilities, I make sure my kids are thriving and healthy and not at their expense of having to live with someone who hates them.  I find myself walking this incredible, amazing, tightrope of extremes.  I can feel everything and nothing.  I have everything figured out and nothing.  I care and I don't.  I love and I hate.  It's black or white and above all, it's grey. I'm a participant and a voyeur.  The weighing of wants and needs, comparing history with history.  Speculating on future and placing bets. Coming to terms with loneliness not being a punishment, just another emotion.  Losing judgement of others while still knowing their soul.  Being
comfortable with listening to my instinct. 

I still feel that pull of feeling like I want someone in my life to share things with but it's not a priority by any means.  Quite the opposite (unfortunately?).  I'm scared to have that.  I lost so much last time, it's just not a risk I feel is worth taking.  To give someone so much of yourself and to be told regularly 'close, but not right.'  In my all too frequent daydreams (habitual in nature) I have found myself feeling physically repulsed by the thought of being intimate with someone.  I have pretty much flip flopped with my emotional sense in that I can share the deepest part of my soul with anyone non-nonchalantly but to have a physical encounter at this point makes me have a panic attack. 
I can't figure that out at all right now...
Perhaps its because the last time I was flirted with by an attractive man, I was drunk after a few cocktails and his....wife intervened.
Classic man.
Men who I have been with in the past and who didn't want to pursue things with me then but whom are making attempts to now, don't count.  That is the biggest insult, and I have enough of that.
(amazing how when your single these guys come out of the woodwork)

Every night I have dreams of trying to find my way.  Be it in the streets where I grew up in California, in some cross country trip to a cave, some forest trail, a river trip.  I am avoiding places I know in my head I am not wanting to go because of my past, real or imagined.  Trying to get to somewhere and feeling half confident I know where I am going but still blind.  Being aware of the challenges and ready to accept the outcome even not knowing.  Feeling in my soul what awaits me if I veer off path.  Being ready for that confrontation.  Knowing I take responsibility for my actions which makes me leaps and bounds more emotionally prepared to face this life unlike the weak I judge.  The water in my dreams is always clear and calm, always to my surprise and the toilets are always clean and ready to use.  I am still a leader and still fearless but emotionally putting whomever I am with before me.  I still have the sexual rejection in my dreams of someone who is utterly incapable of being attractive and I find every night finds me trying to navigate blindly which, pretty much is exactly how I feel at any given point. 
I feel uncomfortable in that any time I am around another man I find even partially attractive, they feel this need to constantly bring up other women. "Hot" women, or "sexy" as has been described to me countless times.  I don't know if it's because I am felt as just another dude sitting around passing a j or because there is an insinuation that I should be stepping up my game.  As if that is the reason in a room of single men, I am able to be so bluntly conversative about other women, because I'm not appreciated as an attractive one. Seriously I can't be considered as a potential....
Clearly I can't now put out a flirtation with someone even for a fwb thing because clearly, I don't make the cut. 

No matter really, I suppose.  I have my work which is booming, my kids that are thriving, school that propels me and Buddhism which levels me.  I crave attaining the jhana where I don't crave companionship and the craving only holds me back.  Its a vicious cycle.
I will get there when I get there.
I have nothing but time.

Finite energy

In the constant ebb and flow that is the ocean of meandering thoughts in my head, I spend a lot of time on the cusp.  The cusp of being able to understand something on a deeper level, intuitively.  That point of realizing something profound where whatever it is that is being pondered is about to be revealed to me.  There is a connection between things that are unseen.  There is a specific way that things happen or will occur that ultimately, we just don’t have control over. 

I’m not speaking on the point of day to day living or running into an old friend.  Getting into an accident or taking the consequences of not being prepared for something.  I’m speaking on an entirely esoteric level.  In the way that everything we know to be true is based on energy.  Vibration.  Elements we may or may not be able to touch, see, hear.  Including our own physical selves.  Does this include thought as well? It would have to, those too, are energy.  Whether released out or contained within you. 

To me, it feels as if there is a finite amount of energy in this world.  (I’m not going outside into universe territory, I want to keep this more linear, approachable).  When I think of this/these energies, I feel as if I am looking directly at something but there is a blind spot right in the middle of where I am looking.  It is very frustrating and if I do just a little more digging….

At any rate, going back to the rules of thermodynamics, energy can be neither created nor destroyed.  It can change forms however.  I realize this was meant to classify our environments of a scientific nature, but it just applies to everything. EVERYTHING.  So when it is said that we “create” the energy or vibration we need, meaning, if it is your dream to go sledding down the Rockies, you are going to invest your energy into accomplishing that task.  You find that which you seek.  Perhaps there are conscience efforts to arrange and prioritize your daily life, and maybe you don’t think about it and you just do it.  Damn the consequences.  Either way, we make sacrifices and compromises within the universe to accomplish the things we want.  Unfortunately, as silly human creatures, it can be very difficult to find out that which you are willing to work towards.  What is worth something to you now, could very easily lose all value to you next week, even with just the process of maturation or the hierarchy of needs.

I feel like finding the mass of your energy is directly correlated to discovering your own boundaries.  Yet, even though you seek to find the edge of the table, the more you try to seek how much room you have left, the more you push it away from you. Not as growth, but  as you attempt pursuit. 

I follow Buddhism of the Vipassana teaching, utilizing metta meditation (when I am more disciplined).  This is a method of enlightenment that the Buddha himself gained nibbana.  There are other paths to take, other methods of teaching, some more modern, some more strict but this is a truth.  That Buddha reached enlightenment through metta meditation on the eight fold path.  Also known as loving kindness meditation.  You do not focus on your breathing, no object of distraction, no clearing out something that is impossible to clear out.  It is utilizing the energy you have to provide yourself with what you need to be present. Here. Now.  Once it is realized you have control over this, that it is YOU, there crops up an ego which you must also push to the wayside.  All in all, it is not a religion one practices.  It is a lifestyle.  

So, now you have this energy that you have learned can influence your life.  It should be so easy just to wish oneself into wealth and importance right? Well that’s the kicker.  Personal gain doesn’t fly in this realm.  Ironically, the jhanas you progress through provide these intense feelings and deep rooted remembered knowledge.  The first being joy.  As you progress and become more, you are shown that you are in fact, less.  That you are ultimately everything and nothing.  A phrase easy to say, an experience easily related but the audience will not truly know or understand the reality of this, what it means and how it all fits together unless it is actually experienced, for themselves.  Not to say you won’t encounter this truth if you are not following Buddhism, just as meditation can take any form,  truth can be revealed in any way. 

I have not gotten this far, this understanding.  My Bhante spoke of being able to see the world around you come to life and die almost instantly, like a flicker.  He spoke of the more enlightened you become, the less you rely on your world around you.  People and relationships will not mean the same thing.  Physical cravings, even of the most biological kind, won’t mean even half as much as they do to you before.  So naturally I questioned him.  It seemed unnatural to me to want to achieve this happiness, this level of not suffering only to not have the bonds and ties of your own life and the people around you.  He said some choose to not go forward.  Some choose to stay in their jhana, it is a personal choice.  You are not forced into this recognition of life force. Of the universe.  But, what you learn, cannot be unlearned.

I crave more.  I want more.  I felt and know of the amazing changes that occur and the way to get there is practice, of which I lack discipline in not wanting more.  Craving leads to suffering. 

I have a nasty habit of living in the past.  It is such a pattern of thinking so ingrained into me, it is the thing I struggle with the most.  I want to look at the past and have introspection.  Pick it apart and see what makes the past tick.  As if it matters.  As if I continue to needle at it, I will somehow, magically, find an answer in today.  It is one of those things that is out of my control and is very frustrating.  So I feel I am constantly in a loop of past/now torture but it’s not something I actively seek. 

I realized that in the past, I was told there was something wrong with me.  Since there actually wasn’t,  I began physical manifestations of non-explainable health issues.  I believed what I was told by someone I looked up to and in the end, it led to depression and many suicidal thoughts.  When I was removed from being subjected to a higher standard demanded OF me for someone else, my manifestations stopped.  Literally went away practically overnight.  I dropped over 60 lbs without even trying.  The only physical pain I have is from a validated ulcer and validated tendon damage which are both manageable.  I tend to look back and I see me as a different person shrouded in fear, shame, depression and inadequacy  and I want nothing more than to protect others from having to live this way as well. 

I acted out of emotion when I was told I wasn’t wanted.  I lashed out, I blamed, I spit anger at the injustice of treating someone like I was treated, systematically, over time, broken down and molded into unrecognizable me.  My view was one of unfair.  Here I had put years of heart and soul into someone I believed truly wasn’t the monster I see now, and it was the worst investment of my life.  That I allowed myself to be so controlled by my own fear and just wanting acceptance.  When I began standing up for myself in retaliation for the sneers and shitty double standards was when I had a shift in reality.  That he didn’t like that I was standing up for myself.  In fact, putting me down and dismissing me, invalidating me over my own stance.  I just wanted revenge.  I just wanted retribution.

I am still very much healing myself.  Defining my boundaries and making my life mine again.  I still have forgotten memories bubble up every now and then as if my mind is telling me I am not done realizing what my worth REALLY is and reminding me that I should never ever settle just for meager  attention, unreciprocated love,  ever again.  

I do not use my energies for what others want of me anymore.  It’s mine and I control it.  I do not want to have the anxiety and fear that comes from years of being told to fix myself.  Being shown that I am of lesser importance than someone else’s wants.  I’m stronger now, because I have to be.  I’m smarter now because I have been given the tools to open my mind.  I am capable of loving more now because I have begun to express my own self as loving kindness and I am beginning to shed away the cares that I had for others in the sense of worrying over what another’s opinion of me is.  Because I know my best and I will give my best, genuinely and I am letting judgments slip through my fingers to fall to the wayside.  I can trust my intuition again and I can make better decisions because of this.  Confidence is returning in a muted egotistical way of “what do I have that is spectacular that I can give to you”.  My first thoughts aren’t of negativity but positive love and light. 

These things that I am, that I have, will become are not in relation to who was in my past and what they have done to cover me, nor is it out of spite. 

 It is what it is, it is me.  It is my everything and nothing.

Defining Patience

Currently my life is calm.  It's nice, peaceful, fulfilling and on my terms.  I will be the first to admit that I am a control freak but I am also the first one to put aside my own selfish wants to accommodate others needs and feelings.  So ultimately, me being alone, is pretty much as good as it gets I suppose.  I get to live in my little world that no one tramples on and I don't have to care-take over anyone else.  I have my routine and my schedule and I don't have to work it around anyone else.  I don't have to make sure things are done according to someone else's ideals and I am much more content and happy with my surroundings as a result.   Pride is a word I would use.  Pride and comfort.

I take inventory quite frequently on my progress with healing.  Measuring how far I have come in such a short time to get back to where I was prior to drowning.  About a week ago, I had a memory pop up out of the blue of "The Good Christian" berating me.  I remember being in a foul mood about something, I was upset about my daughter for something.  It was always the situation where if I was upset or mad, he would become even more upset and angry as if I weren't allowed to have those emotions or he assumed that I was mad at him and he didn't appreciate that.  I can't remember the details but the scene that popped into my head was him standing across the room from me and glaring at me while bitching about something and saying "are you in a shitty mood cause your daughter won't talk to you or is it because you are pissed off your mom is dead?"
It was around Mother's Day.

Things like this can crop up out of nowhere.  When it happens, I get anxiety, I feel fearful, this wave of feeling like I have to walk on eggshells comes over me and I have to talk myself down and remember/remind myself that I am the one in control now.  Not him.  It was ok for me to be upset about something, it was NOT ok for him to say that.  It just makes me ill I tolerated that...

I wanted to be a beacon of warning.  I wanted no one else to be hurt by this invisible monster that just creeps up in your life and takes you down.  I didn't want anyone else to have to bow to his standards which is a game of changing rules, double standards, moodiness and denial.  But I can't.  it's not my place to tell others that stupid is as stupid does.  This doesn't mean I can't lead a path to awareness of mental abuse.  If I were told in the beginning that this was who he was, there is no way in hell I would have believed it.  It's only now, linking up the pieces and recalling the red flags that were there from the beginning, that I am able to know for myself what to be aware of in the future. It's all I can do.

The things you hate about others are the things you hate about yourself.  So, in this philosophy I have been turning the mirror to myself and taking a big look at the reality of what I hate about others and what I am failing to admit to myself.  This has been a little confusing at times because things like, I hate that I was told I was unworthy of love. Well, I never have thought or felt that way about anyone so that isn't applicable.  But then I say, I hate the way someone else tries to control everything, and I have to reckon with my own dictatorship. 
And I do.
And things change.  Within me and around me. 
Letting go of ego is a lot more difficult for those of us who had none and regained confidence.

Patience is being able to accept a different outcome than the one you were expecting.  I am perfecting the art of patience by releasing expectations.  It takes practice, but you do it because, it's not about you.

I have direction in my life, a plan, friends I can count on and who can count on me.  My kids are thriving and happy, not having to live under the pressure of living with an authority figure who hates them.  We went camping a couple weeks ago and it was probably one of the best, most relaxing and fun times we have had camping.  At the end of it, i knew I was in the right place at the right time because when I folded up the tent, it all fit in the fucking bag, zipper closed. 
That means you're doing it right.

Over a year out for being single.  No dating, no offers, no interest.  I'm 60 pounds lighter, still fairly attractive (I hope anyway) and working on that degree to go with the brainyness.  But I look around at the general population of men around me and it just turns my stomach.  For one thing, trying to find a single, attractive, smart, nice man my age, who doesn't live at home and/or have a drinking problem is impossible.  So, the ones that are single, do not fit the rest of my own personal standards.  And yes, I am allowed to have standards.  I prefer people who accept responsibility for themselves.
I watch other couples and more and more all I see is how needy and clingy men are.  They cannot be alone.  They are like children, needing someone to take care of them.  They have this woman standing next to them that does this because she knows how much this partner of hers takes but everyone pretends its she who is the lucky one....  You know, cause he is a great provider (I have NEVER had that, don't know what that is like), he is a great dad (on the weekends) and he ..... whatever.
I can't currently fathom anyone in my life.  I feel like I would have to make sacrifices and compromise all in the name of providing for someone else.  It's such a turn off.  I question if I am lesbian but sexually, no.  Not an option.  I hate that I feel so protective over myself that I can't make an effort to find another to spend quality time with.  So I stopped thinking of it as an option.  Sex department wise, it's cool, I have no libido anymore.  It's a little tough to feel desirable when there isn't anyone to make you feel you might be.  My last trysts so long ago, left such a bad impression on me, it's just not worth the effort.

I have a  co worker that is newer to me and every now and then we get to chat and I find out more things about her.  She is my age, she has two teen boys, she is tall and super pretty, has this gorgeous smile and is awesomely friendly.  Divorced and remarried, she just has her shit together.
The other day I found out that they had just completed the building of their home and I felt completely deflated. I cried later. So very happy for them, I mean how exciting is that?  Its been a big dream of mine for two decades to build a geodesic home, I think that's awesome.  I was deflated because I realized that was not going to be me.  Ever. 
I have always wanted to have a big Halloween party, never happened. 
I always wanted a birthday party for myself, never happened.
I would have even been happy with some kind of birthday acknowledgement!  Take a trip, have a vacation, have inheritance, have family, have fucking medical insurance....
(on the heels of finding out I need to come up with like $7,000 for medical treatment....)
I can't help but compare.  Things I have looked forward to my whole life have been slipping away  left and right while people are standing in front of me getting it handed to them. It's jealousy.  It's anger and it's fear.  So I can be mad, I can feel upset. 
As long as I can let it go at the end of the day and have patience with myself.  The patience that is accepting a different outcome than the one I was expecting.