There are only so many times someone can hear that they are worthless in the eyes of the accuser. That you are a horrible person and everything wrong has absolutely been the sole fault of you causing it. To say they have wasted so many years of their life on someone. Which apparently is my fault because I am in denial about all of my misgivings that have occurred in the relationship.
So you hear these things and you stand there incredulous that someone you were so very recently extremely close and intimate with, could even possibly think these things are true. So in a weak defense there are childish insults thrown back and forth but his, his were not just mean, they were downright malicious. Thrown out of his throat and hurled at me from across the room to order me to stop sending threatening text messages. ( I was angry so I said I hope he got poison ivy on his dick.) I was drinking, angry and felt this inherent need to lash out. So this person REALLY thinks these horrible things of you as you shout back and forth trying to get the last word or the one insult that would end the nonsense.
Well once again, He wins. He gets his way every fucking time. He is still holding the relationship hostage and there is no relationship anymore! It's an outright issue of trying to be in control. To suppress me. To make me feel like I am the worst person in the world gives him that air of superiority and then demands in return that I be nice to him. I have never in my whole life been talked down to by anyone, ever. Especially with such a sting of poison. I feel saturated in the injection of hate and anger and blame as it courses through my body and weighs me down like cement shoes.
I'm supposed to be reveling in lovingkindness feelings and spewing them all over humanity but I have been finding it difficult to even bring it up because of how spent I feel. On how worn down and desperate I am in dealing with him mentally and emotionally. I have to figure out how to make this better. For me. Just because he says these things doesn't make them true. He is someone who spent a long time convincing himself with every move I made, every sound I uttered, every decision I made was absolutely just sucking his will to live. Raising the judgment and self righteousness up to top level. He says I have been acting awful ever since August first and I can't for the life of me understand how he thought in particular I would take finding out the happiest times of my life were bullshit. That I had no future we had been planning out for years and how I am so awful at everything. I guess I was supposed to encourage him more. Agree with him. Walk away in submission with my tail between my legs. Admit that it would be more than ok to be completely rejected after putting heart and soul into him.
I was doing really well too. Then it seems I have been tested left and right. Pictures surfacing, links leading to a discovery that one wasn't expecting. I'm angry. I spend so much of my time now with my stomach in knots. He is getting his giant fucking cake and he sat down at the head of the table and started eating it like a god. I have a right to be upset when I am still confused and reeling in what STILL feels like a very surreal dream. I can't wrap my head around what happened and I am being worn down by being told I have way more negative qualities over positive ones and I'm basically a waste of air.
This is awful and I hate who he has become. I have no respect for him whatsoever and I still manage to feel like he treats me like dog shit on his shoe. I can't understand how deep the selfishness goes and how it came to be that it was more than ok for him to call out these horrible faults to let me know exactly what he feels about me.
As if I didn't know already.
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