Pay Attention

This ONE article....

 Very Very accurately describes what my whole relationship was like. You just get so focused on trying to gain that approval you once had, that false admiration, and you lose track of what is really happening.  A control game. A dominance display. An owner telling the dog "good dog!".


You never see it.

 It's not that he has turned into a monster, he has been one the whole time. Just now unleashed. This would be why there is a flat out refusal to accept any responsibility for his actions. Why he is playing up this huge role of 'victim' when he is and has been the power tripper.

I have a daughter. I know how vulnerable women can be even when they pretend to be strong as an ox. We just want to be loved. Appreciated, admired and made to feel useful. If I ever find out that any partner made my daughter feel less than anything because it just wasn't up to his standards on any given day? Oh hell no..... No woman should be made to feel they are worthless and told as much.

 Sometimes people call a woman ranting of abuse crazy. What's crazy is how many people didn't pay attention.

BE NICE DAMMIT

Want to know how my day went?
WELL....
I went into the basement to start separating out boxes and belongings to different areas of the room for easier moving.  I got most of it done but was happy with what I did.

I studied, I relaxed, I had a good day.

HE comes home, stomps up the stairs as he is calling me "Bitch...you need to listen to me..." and proceeds to tell me that I am NOT allowed to have strangers up in my room.  That only after he meets them.  If I don't obey this rule, he said "good luck getting money from me". 
Yes.
To which I responded with an emotional outburst of incredulousness that he has no right to tell me what I can and can't do and he cannot threaten me with not paying if I don't listen to him!
This is CLASSIC bully behavior and abusive!  I had this clarified today because I am sick and tired of him being this way for no reason!   Then he denied he was being a bully, threatened me OR gave me an ultimatum.  Flat out laughed and said he was none of that.

bul·ly¹

ˈbo͝olē/

noun

noun: bully; plural noun: bullies

1. 1.

   a person who uses strength or power to harm or intimidate those who are weaker.

verb

verb: bully; 3rd person present: bullies; past tense: bullied; past participle: bullied; gerund or present participle: bullying

1.

use superior strength or influence to intimidate (someone), typically to force him or her to do what one wants

The verb form definition is a match, I think, don't you?

Threaten

 : to say that you will harm someone or do something unpleasant or unwanted especially in order to make someone do what you want

: to be something that is likely to cause harm to (someone or something) : to be a threat to (someone or something)

Kinda fits too.... oh dear....

 ul·ti·ma·tum

noun

noun: ultimatum; plural noun: ultimata; plural noun: ultimatums

a final demand or statement of terms, the rejection of which will result in retaliation or a breakdown in relations.

 

Yeah.  Gonna have to say three for three.

 

This was just the beginning of my afternoon.

 

 So at 4:15 I am leaving the house to go to class.  His car is parked behind my car, so I can't move mine.  So as I head out the door, I holler into the bedroom where he is on his computer and say, "I need you to move your car so I can leave." then I hollered back a "pretty please" as I went out.  Five minutes later, I am still waiting patiently in my car so as to not disrupt the King.

Ten minutes later, after I go in and ask again, nicely mind you.

I go in again and he is standing on the porch texting.  Flat out REFUSING to move his car.  Standing there just being an asshole. Smirking, laughing to himself.  I am getting so frustrated I have to threaten to call the police and he is laughing, daring me to do it.

Uncontrolled tears as I am yelling at him trying to ask why on gods green earth he is doing this to me.  Why does he feel this need to control me? Why does he need to dominate someone he supposedly hates?  That he cannot tell me what to do and so forth.  He said he wasn't moving his car because....

 

 

get this.....

 

 

I didn't ASK NICELY.  

Enter raging me. 

I'm shaking, I feel like I am going to vomit, I'm sweating.  This is exactly what he wants.  When I ask him why he keeps goading me to call the police he said "cause you won't do it".  Then stated he was just going to move his car after I called anyway.

Yup.

I didn't get to leave for school until after 5.  The only reason he finally went out and moved it was because I had to make a scene and start yelling on the porch for the neighbors to hear.  Asking why he won't let me leave, why he won't move his car. That I just want to leave, that he can't do this.

 

He shouldn't but he fucking did.

 

Let's visit one more definition today, ok?

1. abuse

   noun \ə-ˈbyüs\

   Definition of ABUSE

   1

   :  a corrupt practice or custom

   2

   :  improper or excessive use or treatment

    

    

    

 This is madness.  Seriously.  I cannot believe what a monster, this man I used to love, has become.  Unrecognizable.  

I was left this note when I came home from school.

I CANNOT make this shit up.

"When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't."

-Louis C.K.

 

Even Louis gets it.....

 

 

 

Control Freak Much?

If I am courteous enough to leave you a message telling you that I am going to have company over, and when said company comes over, (being that it IS late due to odd schedules) I am carefully as quiet and as respectful as I would be towards any roommate I am sharing living space with.  I, in turn, get treated to slamming doors and stomping while guest is there. When guest leaves I get threatened.  He just can't believe I am "sneaking strangers in in the middle of the night" and my favorite, "this means a lot of changes around here...."

Right. Because you haven't upset my world enough as it is.
He leaves ME and then gets upset because I choose to go on with my life?
Are you fucking kidding me??
He tells me I told him not to bring people around.  Yeah.  I said that.  I also said don't fuck anyone in my bed. (when I reminded him he liked to repeat how he was going to fuck a lot of women in my bed).
You don't get to bail and then make the rules still, you piece of shit.

If my life, what I say and what I do, bothers you that much? YOU are the one with the issues. It is so incredible how much I have grown to realize what you have done over the years.  It's so ridiculous that he makes this grand life gesture to announce I am worthless and wants nothing more to do with me but then turns into this drama queen when it comes to anything to do with my life.

I have GOT to figure a way out of this.  I cannot be around someone who is still trying to control my life.  From someone who gives me ultimatums and threats. Who thinks I owe THEM.
UGH.

As much as I was in love heart and soul with this man, this stranger now has taught me what real hate is and how it can run just as deep.

And I was left with this little gem the next morning. Just documenting...

My Special Day!

In my life, all of the birthdays that are supposed to be "memorable", 16, 18, 21... I have not had a celebration for any.  It is in fact rare for my birthday to be celebrated ever.  I totally know how my mom felt now.  I think its great my kids remembered and all but it still makes one feel pretty damn lonely.

So I turned 40 on Thursday.  I think historically, kind of a big one, no? Halfway through life, get to go downhill now? Big coming of age celebration?FINALLY you're an adult?!?!

I went to work.  I went to class.  I came home and ended my birthday the way it has ended for a good 5 years, trying not to cry because 'it's just not that big of a deal'. Also on that day, the person I really wanted to hear from the most, I didn't.  I also spent over an hour working on a project for class that I did completely wrong.  I didn't get to fuck up making my own dinner this year though.

Got a note left on my bed. Something about nothing he says won't be met without hostility but he hopes I can focus on the good things in my life or some such shit.  That pissed me off more than just not acknowledging the day at all.   How dare someone year after year build up about how he wants his day to be special and gifts are bought and its an actual special day to honor someone you love and care about.... While every year mine went virtually unnoticed, and your going to act like its some symbolic rite to honor me on some holy day of my birth? When just a couple weeks ago I tried to pay you sincere compliments and you were flat out, an asshole to me? So you start out by telling me how you feel I am undeservedly aggressive towards you?
Seriously?
"Good wishes" are not welcome to me from people who lie, betray, are selfish, maliciously mean and have treated me like crap.  I don't understand what part of this recent history validates that I should respect someone like this.
Ugh.

So for my fortieth birthday I always wanted some super great weekend celebration.  I REALLY always wanted to go to New Orleans and I REALLY thought this was going to be the year I was going to be able to save up enough money for us to go.  At the very least I expected an evening out with a few friends.  So that was all rather disappointing. I even took off Friday in the hopes I was going to be busy this weekend, hopefully seeing that someone new. So here I am in my yoga pants drinking coffee and wondering what the fuck I am going to do with the rest of my weekend.  So this still rather disappointing...   As far as seeing someone, I am getting a Grandma story and I am starting to be really really leery.  Further still disappointing.

So I treat myself to a bag of bud and instead try to focus on some positives.  I have all day to marathon anything I want on tv.  I can totally go buy liquor if I want.  I don't have to shave.  I have my homework finished INCLUDING the research paper, (go me!) If I get hungry, whatever the hell I want. That's what.

So in a nutshell, I'm 40.  I'm single.  I am back in school full time.  I have only 20 more pounds to lose. I am super proud of how my kids are doing in school. I am attractive.  I have sexuality.  I am witty, sharp and humble.  I am learning to embrace my passions and have learned that the words not said are the most regretted.  I finally have a goal and can dedicate myself to it fully now that I don't have to take care of a family. 

Thanksgiving is this coming week.  It makes me twitchy.  I am assuming I will be cooking for me and my kids so I won't need to go all out.  Today is rainy, overcast and chilly.  Perfect pie baking day in the past.  I guess I will take them to the movies like we used to do before we were a large family.  I was really looking forward to having the kids contribute more to cooking this year. 

I think I was looking forward to a lot of things.

and now I can look forward to new things.

So why do I feel so low?

Some people

Two people starving for attention wear euphoric blinders to the desperate tragic reality of two people still starving for attention.

Based on personal experience of course.

Feeling like I don't even want to pursue a companion due to how un-trusting I have become.  I can not be put into another position to be misled and lied to.  Taken for granted and not meeting someone elses expectations of me.  It may be a cop-out but I really am incredulous as to how much I put forth and how much nasty criticism I received.  I'm embarrassed that I felt like everything I felt was being reciprocated.  A charming tongue and an attitude of a focus on him.

You never deserved me and I never deserved to be told by you I was "unworthy of love".

Some people are real cunts and I hate them for good reason.

Something to break.... how about your face?

I need to figure out what to do with severe anger when it arises because I fucking hate that ugly adrenaline.  That feeling that makes me want to rip skin off someone's face and punch until bones are broken. Like I want to snap an arm like a twig and twist off an ear while shouting into it "WHOS A BITCH NOW ASSHOLE!?!?" That head and curb scene in American History X? Yeah.... FUCK yeah.

I feel like I should need sleep.  I've been performing ok I suppose but I feel like maybe more than three hours of broken sleep might not be enough.  Like I FEEL tired... I can't get to that sweet sleep spot.
Stress.

I'm irritable, frustrated and busy as all hell now a days. I dream of a lobotomy and a vacation for 'recovery'.   I fantasize about sexual situations in a rebellious bad girl way.  I'm drawn to attempting to do things for the thrill of the possible catch.  Like I need to prove to myself how fucking awesome I am.  Like I need to take another level of control over a new aspect in my life that has nothing to do with anything or anyone I know.  Wiping the slate clean and beginning my own history with an emphasis on living out of animalistic instinct in a taboo manner.  Creating my own secrets and setting my own track. Now the fantasy has elevated to fantasizing the outcome of a REAL situation instigated spontaneously.  Acting on impulse.  Pushing all my dare buttons.  Wanting that confrontation because I have a lot to give in to that.  Converting it to an energy where I am in control and where I prove capable of attraction, attention and admiration.  Where it IS all about me.  Even as a submissive, extending the offer of complete trust and devoted service to someone is ultimately freeing.

I want to feel free.

I feel bogged down and still confused.  Stalled out and lacking of any kind of support in my life right now.
I have to be my own cheerleader and I have to keep my own self in line at times of burden and frustration.  I spent so long being one for someone else, "behind every good man...." yeah, seems like my role in life is to build up my male 'partner' just so he can turn around and act like I provided nothing of value to him. I now bounce ideas, plans and goals off of....me.  Talk to my own self about how things are going, how I'm doing.  Concerning myself with my own health and happiness.  Which, as a rule you should always be doing for yourself as your own best advocate, but aren't things in life so much better with someone who really cares for you? Who you really care for? Don't answer that if you are biased with novelty...

I feel I don't have the answer to that even though there is certainly a lack of novelty in my life.

So busy.  So much planning and prepping for things.  I do feel good about the future but at this moment right now? Dealing with this sad anger?  Trying to boost my own ego because I don't even have the opportunity to hug someone. To be close to anyone.  Having a complete stranger who was once my best and closest friend for years in the next room and feeling a sense of overlording-self righteousness emanating.  Makes me physically ill.  I second guess myself all the time now and its just bull shit.  I shouldn't have to feel like I need to do that. 

All I know is that certain people are going to be having a severe wake up call.  May not be today or tomorrow but I have seen this all happen before, I have noticed the signs and I have witnessed the chain of events. 
Karma is infinite.

At least I have compassion

Fall is here. Winter is coming.  Ugh....
I hate the cold.  It just hurts.  I've been trying to take advantage of nice days when I can, get out, center things, grab some D...

I've been relaxing.  Like a lot.
Oddly enough, I feel ok with it.  I feel like this is the calm before the storm.  Class is going to start becoming more challenging and work is going to pick up.  This is trying to test me but I have been down the road of frantic-time-management many times.  Its what I do.  It was recently pointed out to me that I had an A type personality.  It really made me stop and think.  I don't ever remember taking the test but I have always assumed I was more B. The thing is, he was totally right.  So this is a new development in self-awareness and I feel like I can look at things differently.  I mean if you grow up your whole life being told and thinking your a fish, you're a fish.  When you find out you're not a fish you have a curiosity to explore this new freedom. (Available only to the open minded of course).
I never really put myself into a category of 'leader' or 'main attraction' but that is where, in my past, I have excelled in anything.

So in the past few weeks I have been adapting a kind of role of managing my life more from the point of time management and streamlining with a consideration of shuffling priorities.  I am needing things to go as smooth as possible to not create any more stress or drama around here.  This place is sick with it.  In the priority line up, I have that I need to do something with all the anger and resentment.  I can't just ignore something that will fester if I don't confront it.  Coincidentally every time I have a thought about forgiveness I am met that day with some sort of confrontation to remind me of who he really is now.

The thing is, I am grieving.  This was a significant loss to me.  I don't care that the other side speaks of "its been a long time coming" or "its been over a long time now", because that isn't the truth.  To continue to be malicious and snide and completely disrespectful after telling me that I need to be nice is ludicrous. I have spent my moments being the asshole but I owned up to it and apologized.  I am tired of being treated like I am some road block to someone else's 'Happily Ever After' when it was mine that was snatched out from under me.  I find it odd to feel so much grief and so much need for forgiveness all at the same time.  Forgiveness is letting go of the hope for a better past.  This is the key.  It is so very difficult for me to practice not caring about the past. I know in my heart of hearts it is not going to change anything and therefor wasted energy but it hasn't been easy to unattach when the history is all around you.

It is my prerogative to grieve and a responsibility to myself to do so to get rid of the attachment.  I will do it in my own way and in my own time.  I refuse to turn to ice and turn around with a heart full of hate, as much as I want to.  It wouldn't be the right thing to do.  I feel like I am just waiting for him to do or say something that is the old him.  The one I know inside and out, intimately and better than he knew himself.  And maybe he never will.  Maybe I will have this super incredulous feeling constantly overwhelm me every time he interacts with me. I just feel like I can't forgive until something like that happens, that there is some sort of acknowledgement. 

So when I declare I just don't have time for men, I don't want the responsibility or the emotional distractions, I have had a wonderful weekend with someone new. Already its been a brainstorm of when the hell we will have time together again.  He wants to come over and I feel I have to quarantine people out of respect.  Its an issue of distance as well which I told him in the beginning I was NOT thrilled with.  He probably thinks I'm married or some such shit.... Ugh.  It is so refreshing to be around someone who is just as into you.  Where talking is a chain of forever and seduction a gauge of interest. 

and still, I can't help but think in the back of my head, "is he going to tell me what I am allowed and not allowed to do with him?"  "Is he one day going to tell me I don't love him the way he wants to be loved?"  "How about tell me he can't love me for me?"  Is he too, going to be tolerant and patient with other people on issues that he will be short and terse with me about? 

Well I guess we will see what happens. Right now I am enjoying what I can while I can.  I am learning everything in life really is temporary and I really can't control anything else in my life, just how I react. I am a work in progress but at least I have compassion.

Not Yours

If you are not a part of my past.
If you are not a part of my future,
Then the issue of where I am in my life
and who it affects has fuck all
to do with you.

Don't pretend to be knowledgeable
in something you have no clue about.
You don't know me
I don't know you
You, do not hold any power over me
and never will.

I know my truth.
I have a deep history you can never touch.
It is mine and it is my work
It will always be mine.
You can have your own but
I'm willing to bet, the stories compare.

I have my own escapes.
Others have theirs.
I know things others don't 
I will call you out.
as I have done many times before.

So don't worry about me
I know you aren't
but then you would stop feeling
so deeply, wouldn't you.
You think you're clever
ultimately you're as big a fool as me.