My Special Day!

In my life, all of the birthdays that are supposed to be "memorable", 16, 18, 21... I have not had a celebration for any.  It is in fact rare for my birthday to be celebrated ever.  I totally know how my mom felt now.  I think its great my kids remembered and all but it still makes one feel pretty damn lonely.

So I turned 40 on Thursday.  I think historically, kind of a big one, no? Halfway through life, get to go downhill now? Big coming of age celebration?FINALLY you're an adult?!?!

I went to work.  I went to class.  I came home and ended my birthday the way it has ended for a good 5 years, trying not to cry because 'it's just not that big of a deal'. Also on that day, the person I really wanted to hear from the most, I didn't.  I also spent over an hour working on a project for class that I did completely wrong.  I didn't get to fuck up making my own dinner this year though.

Got a note left on my bed. Something about nothing he says won't be met without hostility but he hopes I can focus on the good things in my life or some such shit.  That pissed me off more than just not acknowledging the day at all.   How dare someone year after year build up about how he wants his day to be special and gifts are bought and its an actual special day to honor someone you love and care about.... While every year mine went virtually unnoticed, and your going to act like its some symbolic rite to honor me on some holy day of my birth? When just a couple weeks ago I tried to pay you sincere compliments and you were flat out, an asshole to me? So you start out by telling me how you feel I am undeservedly aggressive towards you?
Seriously?
"Good wishes" are not welcome to me from people who lie, betray, are selfish, maliciously mean and have treated me like crap.  I don't understand what part of this recent history validates that I should respect someone like this.
Ugh.

So for my fortieth birthday I always wanted some super great weekend celebration.  I REALLY always wanted to go to New Orleans and I REALLY thought this was going to be the year I was going to be able to save up enough money for us to go.  At the very least I expected an evening out with a few friends.  So that was all rather disappointing. I even took off Friday in the hopes I was going to be busy this weekend, hopefully seeing that someone new. So here I am in my yoga pants drinking coffee and wondering what the fuck I am going to do with the rest of my weekend.  So this still rather disappointing...   As far as seeing someone, I am getting a Grandma story and I am starting to be really really leery.  Further still disappointing.

So I treat myself to a bag of bud and instead try to focus on some positives.  I have all day to marathon anything I want on tv.  I can totally go buy liquor if I want.  I don't have to shave.  I have my homework finished INCLUDING the research paper, (go me!) If I get hungry, whatever the hell I want. That's what.

So in a nutshell, I'm 40.  I'm single.  I am back in school full time.  I have only 20 more pounds to lose. I am super proud of how my kids are doing in school. I am attractive.  I have sexuality.  I am witty, sharp and humble.  I am learning to embrace my passions and have learned that the words not said are the most regretted.  I finally have a goal and can dedicate myself to it fully now that I don't have to take care of a family. 

Thanksgiving is this coming week.  It makes me twitchy.  I am assuming I will be cooking for me and my kids so I won't need to go all out.  Today is rainy, overcast and chilly.  Perfect pie baking day in the past.  I guess I will take them to the movies like we used to do before we were a large family.  I was really looking forward to having the kids contribute more to cooking this year. 

I think I was looking forward to a lot of things.

and now I can look forward to new things.

So why do I feel so low?