I need to figure out what to do with severe anger when it arises because I fucking hate that ugly adrenaline. That feeling that makes me want to rip skin off someone's face and punch until bones are broken. Like I want to snap an arm like a twig and twist off an ear while shouting into it "WHOS A BITCH NOW ASSHOLE!?!?" That head and curb scene in American History X? Yeah.... FUCK yeah.
I feel like I should need sleep. I've been performing ok I suppose but I feel like maybe more than three hours of broken sleep might not be enough. Like I FEEL tired... I can't get to that sweet sleep spot.
Stress.
I'm irritable, frustrated and busy as all hell now a days. I dream of a lobotomy and a vacation for 'recovery'. I fantasize about sexual situations in a rebellious bad girl way. I'm drawn to attempting to do things for the thrill of the possible catch. Like I need to prove to myself how fucking awesome I am. Like I need to take another level of control over a new aspect in my life that has nothing to do with anything or anyone I know. Wiping the slate clean and beginning my own history with an emphasis on living out of animalistic instinct in a taboo manner. Creating my own secrets and setting my own track. Now the fantasy has elevated to fantasizing the outcome of a REAL situation instigated spontaneously. Acting on impulse. Pushing all my dare buttons. Wanting that confrontation because I have a lot to give in to that. Converting it to an energy where I am in control and where I prove capable of attraction, attention and admiration. Where it IS all about me. Even as a submissive, extending the offer of complete trust and devoted service to someone is ultimately freeing.
I want to feel free.
I feel bogged down and still confused. Stalled out and lacking of any kind of support in my life right now.
I have to be my own cheerleader and I have to keep my own self in line at times of burden and frustration. I spent so long being one for someone else, "behind every good man...." yeah, seems like my role in life is to build up my male 'partner' just so he can turn around and act like I provided nothing of value to him. I now bounce ideas, plans and goals off of....me. Talk to my own self about how things are going, how I'm doing. Concerning myself with my own health and happiness. Which, as a rule you should always be doing for yourself as your own best advocate, but aren't things in life so much better with someone who really cares for you? Who you really care for? Don't answer that if you are biased with novelty...
I feel I don't have the answer to that even though there is certainly a lack of novelty in my life.
So busy. So much planning and prepping for things. I do feel good about the future but at this moment right now? Dealing with this sad anger? Trying to boost my own ego because I don't even have the opportunity to hug someone. To be close to anyone. Having a complete stranger who was once my best and closest friend for years in the next room and feeling a sense of overlording-self righteousness emanating. Makes me physically ill. I second guess myself all the time now and its just bull shit. I shouldn't have to feel like I need to do that.
All I know is that certain people are going to be having a severe wake up call. May not be today or tomorrow but I have seen this all happen before, I have noticed the signs and I have witnessed the chain of events.
Karma is infinite.
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