At least I have compassion

Fall is here. Winter is coming.  Ugh....
I hate the cold.  It just hurts.  I've been trying to take advantage of nice days when I can, get out, center things, grab some D...

I've been relaxing.  Like a lot.
Oddly enough, I feel ok with it.  I feel like this is the calm before the storm.  Class is going to start becoming more challenging and work is going to pick up.  This is trying to test me but I have been down the road of frantic-time-management many times.  Its what I do.  It was recently pointed out to me that I had an A type personality.  It really made me stop and think.  I don't ever remember taking the test but I have always assumed I was more B. The thing is, he was totally right.  So this is a new development in self-awareness and I feel like I can look at things differently.  I mean if you grow up your whole life being told and thinking your a fish, you're a fish.  When you find out you're not a fish you have a curiosity to explore this new freedom. (Available only to the open minded of course).
I never really put myself into a category of 'leader' or 'main attraction' but that is where, in my past, I have excelled in anything.

So in the past few weeks I have been adapting a kind of role of managing my life more from the point of time management and streamlining with a consideration of shuffling priorities.  I am needing things to go as smooth as possible to not create any more stress or drama around here.  This place is sick with it.  In the priority line up, I have that I need to do something with all the anger and resentment.  I can't just ignore something that will fester if I don't confront it.  Coincidentally every time I have a thought about forgiveness I am met that day with some sort of confrontation to remind me of who he really is now.

The thing is, I am grieving.  This was a significant loss to me.  I don't care that the other side speaks of "its been a long time coming" or "its been over a long time now", because that isn't the truth.  To continue to be malicious and snide and completely disrespectful after telling me that I need to be nice is ludicrous. I have spent my moments being the asshole but I owned up to it and apologized.  I am tired of being treated like I am some road block to someone else's 'Happily Ever After' when it was mine that was snatched out from under me.  I find it odd to feel so much grief and so much need for forgiveness all at the same time.  Forgiveness is letting go of the hope for a better past.  This is the key.  It is so very difficult for me to practice not caring about the past. I know in my heart of hearts it is not going to change anything and therefor wasted energy but it hasn't been easy to unattach when the history is all around you.

It is my prerogative to grieve and a responsibility to myself to do so to get rid of the attachment.  I will do it in my own way and in my own time.  I refuse to turn to ice and turn around with a heart full of hate, as much as I want to.  It wouldn't be the right thing to do.  I feel like I am just waiting for him to do or say something that is the old him.  The one I know inside and out, intimately and better than he knew himself.  And maybe he never will.  Maybe I will have this super incredulous feeling constantly overwhelm me every time he interacts with me. I just feel like I can't forgive until something like that happens, that there is some sort of acknowledgement. 

So when I declare I just don't have time for men, I don't want the responsibility or the emotional distractions, I have had a wonderful weekend with someone new. Already its been a brainstorm of when the hell we will have time together again.  He wants to come over and I feel I have to quarantine people out of respect.  Its an issue of distance as well which I told him in the beginning I was NOT thrilled with.  He probably thinks I'm married or some such shit.... Ugh.  It is so refreshing to be around someone who is just as into you.  Where talking is a chain of forever and seduction a gauge of interest. 

and still, I can't help but think in the back of my head, "is he going to tell me what I am allowed and not allowed to do with him?"  "Is he one day going to tell me I don't love him the way he wants to be loved?"  "How about tell me he can't love me for me?"  Is he too, going to be tolerant and patient with other people on issues that he will be short and terse with me about? 

Well I guess we will see what happens. Right now I am enjoying what I can while I can.  I am learning everything in life really is temporary and I really can't control anything else in my life, just how I react. I am a work in progress but at least I have compassion.