I already know how you feel about me.

There are only so many times someone can hear that they are worthless in the eyes of the accuser.  That you are a horrible person and everything wrong has absolutely been the sole fault of you causing it.  To say they have wasted so many years of their life on someone.  Which apparently is my fault because I am in denial about all of my misgivings that have occurred in the relationship.

So you hear these things and you stand there incredulous that someone you were so very recently extremely close and intimate with, could even possibly think these things are true.  So in a weak defense there are childish insults thrown back and forth but his, his were not just mean, they were downright malicious.  Thrown out of his throat and hurled at me from across the room to order me to stop sending threatening text messages. ( I was angry so I said I hope he got poison ivy on his dick.) I was drinking, angry and felt this inherent need to lash out.  So this person REALLY thinks these horrible things of you as you shout back and forth trying to get the last word or the one insult that would end the nonsense.

Well once again, He wins.  He gets his way every fucking time.  He is still holding the relationship hostage and there is no relationship anymore! It's an outright issue of trying to be in control.  To suppress me.  To make me feel like I am the worst person in the world gives him that air of superiority and then demands in return that I be nice to him. I have never in my whole life been talked down to by anyone, ever.  Especially with such a sting of poison.  I feel saturated in the injection of hate and anger and blame as it courses through my body and weighs me down like cement shoes.

I'm supposed to be reveling in lovingkindness feelings and spewing them all over humanity but I have been finding it difficult to even bring it up because of how spent I feel.  On how worn down and desperate I am in dealing with him mentally and emotionally.  I have to figure out how to make this better. For me.  Just because he says these things doesn't make them true.  He is someone who spent a long time convincing himself with every move I made, every sound I uttered, every decision I made was absolutely just sucking his will to live.  Raising the judgment and self righteousness up to top level.   He says I have been acting awful ever since August first and I can't for the life of me understand how he thought in particular I would take finding out the happiest times of my life were bullshit.  That I had no future we had been planning out for years and how I am so awful at everything.  I guess I was supposed to encourage him more.  Agree with him.  Walk away in submission with my tail between my legs. Admit that it would be more than ok to be completely rejected after putting heart and soul into him.

I was doing really well too.  Then it seems I have been tested left and right.  Pictures surfacing, links leading to a discovery that one wasn't expecting.  I'm angry.  I spend so much of my time now with my stomach in knots. He is getting his giant fucking cake and he sat down at the head of the table and started eating it like a god.  I have a right to be upset when I am still confused and reeling in what STILL feels like a very surreal dream.  I can't wrap my head around what happened and I am being worn down by being told I have way more negative qualities over positive ones and I'm basically a waste of air.

This is awful and I hate who he has become.  I have no respect for him whatsoever and I still manage to feel like he treats me like dog shit on his shoe.  I can't understand how deep the selfishness goes and how it came to be that it was more than ok for him to call out these horrible faults to let me know exactly what he feels about me.

As if I didn't know already.

Trust issues

Today is a high emotion day and I feel completely out of control.  I feel unsatisfied and angry but I couldn't quite put my finger on exactly why.  So I came home, laid down and tried to find my love and kindness to give to myself and it all of a sudden hit me what was bothering me.

I have been talking to someone for about a week and a half? now.  We seem to get a long well and have a lot in common.  He seems attractive and is easy to talk to but there are a few red flags that I just can't ignore.  If they bother me now, it likely will bother me in the future.  He is super excited about the prospect of 'us' and the more I think about it, the more I feel like backing away.  I am not too keen on his history, how many marriages, how many children.  His job is something I can't see a man my age doing for a living and sometimes when he talks he just goes on and on and a lot is about himself.  The last thing I need is another narcissist.  He also is coming across as more vain than I would like and that bothers me as well.  I feel like I might be super picky or shallow but then I think, why the hell should I sacrifice what I want in a partner?  It's not like it's a race or I absolutely need to be with someone.

Then I think, "I don't think I am ready for this."
I don't think I am in a place to trust anyone right now.
Every time we have a good conversation or I get complimented I just get covered in thoughts of "this is how it was with HIM". Like how we just 'clicked' and how similar we were. How we got along and the attraction level.  And I think, "and then six years later, I'm the one left without warning, out of the blue and get a broken heart when I believed it was a true thing."  If I thought that was true and the rest of my life, I feel I can't trust my judgement anymore.  I feel I can't trust other men.  and it hurts.  It hurts me because I shouldn't have ever been made to feel this way when I have done absolutely nothing wrong.

I think this is where someone would tell me I need to be able to take a chance because 'you never know' but at this time, I WANT to trust my gut.  I WANT to be able to have someone who loves me for me.  Who appreciates me and wants to be with me.  Touch me, share mundane things with me, talk to me about nothing and everything and I feel like I'm not going to be able to have that because I will never know if it is real or not.  because it certainly felt real to me before.  I was willing to fight for it.  I was willing to do anything, change everything for the better.  For the betterment of me because of how much I trusted and believed the feeling was mutual;  was reciprocated.

I know its too soon to be saying anything considering I haven't even physically met him yet but I just don't feel like I want to pursue this or anything else at this time.  I don't want to go back to that awful place of fear and loathing again but I have to figure out a way to learn how to trust again.  Myself and others.  As lonely as I am and as unappreciated and taken for granted I feel, for as much as I want to be desired and a relationship with passion and kindness, I want even more to not have to waste my time giving all of myself heart and soul to someone who is just going to throw me away again.  I wouldn't be able to survive another heart break like this. This, literally, has been THE most emotionally painful thing I have ever been through in my life so far.  While I am and have been taking steps to become better and to let go, it is a process that is going to take time.  It never will be all the way gone, its a part of me.  Its a part of me and I hate that. 

I don't know what I am going to do.  I don't know how I am going to handle this emotional letdown of trust and caring but I do know I can't go further in my life without it.  There won't be progress for myself like I want if I don't take care of the baggage weighing me down.  I kind of like that I am noticing these things about someone that I don't like, I feel like I am being more aware of what I invite into my life but being responsible sure is difficult some times.

Static is good for now

Things are coming to a quiet crawl lately.  Which is fine because I have had enough emotion and stress for the year.  Actually he did something the other day that was complete and utter bull shit.  This is just to show how much of a paranoid asshole he is.

He posted a very derogatory post about me on facebook.  A mutual friend alerted me to it saying he was 'being icky on facebook'.  So I of course confronted him and he wanted to know who it was so he could know who was "sending me stuff".  The thing is, no one has sent me anything about him.  Nothing.  I don't want to know.  I don't give a flying fuck.  I wish he was gone.  I wish I didn't have to see his lying face and be near his asshole body.  His presence makes me want to bleach out my whole system for everywhere he has ever even touched me because of the betrayment I felt.  So he blocked this innocent friend who was just trying to help and she was upset.  I told her he doesn't care.  He has a new group of friends he cares about.  A new set of groupies.  A bigger audience.  He won't care about any of them any more because he has moved on.  She said she was starting to see that he is indeed a narcissist and her husband gives "zero fucks" about him for the way he is now.

Good.  Good for him.  If you are normal you don't go around pretending to be in a secure steady relationship until you feel its ready for YOU to move onto your next conquest you lined up in your mind.  He may as well have cheated.  He was basically having an emotional affair and spent months just judging me and convincing himself of how awful he thinks I am.  I know I didn't deserve that.  I did nothing to him to deserve that and his guilt gives him away.    Every now and then some one will ask if there is a chance we will get back together.  I laugh.  I laugh deep because there is a snowballs chance in hell that would happen and I don't believe in hell.  When I think back to the things he said to me that were abusive in nature, it makes me sick to know I still stuck around for him.  That I made excuses.  That I blamed it on myself. 

Never again.

I am lonely.  I miss having someone to talk to and someone to look forward to.  Laugh with, cuddle with. I really, really miss sex.  I miss making plans with someone and all that other shit.  I had been talking to a couple guys off the internet.  The one I stated out with, I am not so interested in meeting anymore.  Things seemed to have fittered out and I just am not feeling it.  Now there is number two and I have to say, I am already getting swept off my feet and we haven't met.  He is attentive, funny, charming, smart, creative.  He and I have the same sense of spirituality, humor, view points for the most part.  He seems like he is the rugged handsome I look for and I feel like I might not be worthy of such an attractive man.  I have self confidence issues clearly.  He wrote a book, a comic/graphic novel one.  Also did the illustrations for it, I am telling you I am pretty blown away.  There are a couple red flags but I will give it time.  I don't want to judge too deeply and I really enjoy getting to know someone who wants to get to know me.  He compliments me all the time which I am not used to and he is a Pisces  which is actually my exact astrological match.  LOL.

Things are things and they are what they are for now.  I am just trying to get by day by day and accomplish what I can for now and keep in mind some goals I would like to achieve in the future.  I still have my happy, I have lost about 15 pounds, I am trying still to radiate my lovingkindness and I am trying not to have expectations anymore.  I hope the continuity of goodness can keep flowing for me.

The dating pool needs a plague to happen

Well in an effort to quell my boredom and to see what is out there to be had, under the suggestion of a friend I made a dating profile.  It has been 3 days and I gotta say, It. Is. Awful. out there.

Maybe its the site I am on, maybe its my age group, maybe its the location I am in but holy crap.  I was prepared for bad, not apocalyptic desperateness. Now mind you, I have been talking to a gentleman for a few days and he so far, seems normal.  His pictures show him as attractive but he seems to not want to share any via text which is a red flag to me.  I am not having any expectations but it is nice to talk to someone just for the fun of getting to know someone who also wants to get to know you.

Mainly I get a lot of messages from these men who are almost 50, they look 60 and pose in pics like their 35.  A lot of them are holding fish.  I don't mind fishing, don't get me wrong, but I'm not 'that' country.  Others look like they have been over the road truck drivers for 30 years. Some pictures, I just can't explain.  I'm like "what are you looking at?" "Why don't you smile ever?" "Is that supposed to be a sexy pose to entice me?" "Why a picture of you topless? and with a woman?". Photos of the neck down, and it's humpty dumpty himself.  Photos of them sitting in a 30 year old plaid recliner watching tv.  Skinny white guys who look like they have been too intimate with meth and then there are the playboys of the internet.  You can say clearly and boldly you are not into casual and I swear, they still swing at you. 

They get mad when you don't respond.  They stalk you trying to chat with you ALL THE TIME.  They want to talk to you but are the WORST conversationalists.
"Hello"
"hello"
"wanna chat?"
"ok"
"so what's going on?"
"nothing"
"you're cute."
 Seriously. What the hell? I had some redneck message me to tell me I shouldn't disqualify men who don't know who Gloria Steinem is because he can guarantee me that 90% of men don't know who she is.  Therefore, I am clearly not interested in meeting anyone.  I responded that actually a lot of men know who she is and it wasn't like I made a list of demands to be met as qualifiers of who I will only talk to.  I just made a reference point of an intelligence level I am seeking out.  So he asked his roommate if he knew who she was.  "nope. See?"  I can only respond "well. Ok then." to which he lol'd and said passively aggressive it was nice chatting with me.  This dude is older than me.  This is the type of stupid that is out there.

What I want is to be able to meet someone organically.  I want them to size me up physically and energy wise and be able to see my eyes.  I want to hear their voice, know they have a sense of humor and there is a mutual attraction. I want it to be playful and cute.  Exciting and fun. This is more scary and sketchy.
Many years ago, after I first was divorced, I tried the online dating thing and a few stick out like sore thumbs.  The dude I met at a coffee shop who while having much to say online and on the phone all of a sudden lost his communication skills in front of me.  After about 20 agonizing minutes of trying to give him a chance to converse, I just said "well, uh, I'm gonna go now." and he said "oh, ok." and I just turned and left.  Another I met at a bar in the late afternoon where apparently he had been for a bit (because he drinks for free for doing work for the owner) and when I asked if he wanted to meet up to play pool, he asked if he could put his skateboard in my car.  Skateboard. 35 year old man.  I shrugged and gave him a chance anyway where upon the whole night he talked about himself and made everything a competition.  There were a couple that were nice, but there just was no click.  Then of course are the ones that send you pictures of their johnson's after talking for a short time. *sigh* No. No self respecting woman wants that. 

In real life the trouble is, everyone is afraid.  You don't want to hit on someone who may be attached.  You don't want to look like an ass to someone who is not into you at all.  Some people can't read physical cues at all, mostly men, so this is why women wait half the time for them to make a move.  If a woman does, then she just wants the D, right? A lot of men don't even know there is a woman flirting with them.  Here we are, painstakingly trying to send out these signs and flashing neon lights of "ASK ME OUT!" and they are blank.  They say they want us to make the first move but holy crap.  It's difficult for a woman to just be blunt like that.  Not because were ladies but because we can't tell if you are into us or not. I can be forward.  I can be flirty. I can do the asking, if I know I am getting come-at-me signals but more often than not, I get told I am intimidating.  I don't know where the middle ground is.  The thing I have to remember is if this is how they are going to act/respond/present themselves, then I really don't likely want any part of them.

I read recently that when you meet your soul mate that it shouldn't be nervous and anxious.  It should be smooth and calm, like it was meant to be.  Yes.  Natural. Organic. Physically present and mentally readable. Energy to be transferred and connections made.  Anyone can really put forward anything behind the screen of a computer.  A picture can be taken 50 different ways in just as much of a time frame.  I want to see if you have a weird stain on your pants or when you talk spit comes out of your mouth. Or if you even spit! EW!  Do you smell like old beer or nice?  Is your hair taken care of or could I fry tater tots in the grease? Do you have an odd quirky thing you do when you talk, like not look me in the eyes or do you laugh inappropriately? 

I dunno.  I am thinking I am going to delete this profile because it's really just kinda bringing me down.  Like way down.  I want a companion and I want a best friend.  I want someone to spend time with and miss when he is away.  I want to look forward to my phone going off and having a REAL DATE! I want to have those first moments of a touch. Silence.  A gaze.  I want to feel attractive and be attracted.  That moment when you just *know* sex is inevitable and it's mind blowingly passionate and sensual.  I just am thinking I don't think what I want is going to be behind the computer screen.  I am going to give this one dude a chance I think, but no more.  It's almost stressful to be put through the horrors of the single men who want to meet me... I shouldn't be in a rush anyway.  I have a lot of patience and finding someone right for me will be worth the wait.  Maybe I will just hang a 'Single' sign around my neck....

Mindfulness of a hike

So my retreat went as well as it could have.  Bhante was extremely not what I imagined and the things that I learned were radically different than the things I *thought* I knew about meditation.  I didn't really know that I was also to be receiving lessons in Buddhism itself, I had an inkling but I was given the ground work for what Buddhism is all about.  It's really something I got behind and really thought about while there.  I carried these thoughts home with me and I am still mulling on them.  It can be pretty deep stuff, said in the simplest of terms but after hearing you say "damn, that really makes sense." I spent a lot of time saying that actually.

The Dhamma Hall

My little sleeping cabin for the week

Mindfulness is not what I thought.  Mindfulness is the act of recognizing how and where the minds thoughts go to.  So what we did was to meditate on lovingkindness which is to smile and radiate this feeling to whomever or where ever you are depending on your level.  In this time, every time your mind wanders away, you gently redirect it and just ignore the train your brain was trying to take you on.  It's conditioning.  You are teaching your brain to ignore the unwholesome and to be only in a zone of wholesome.  If you practice a one point meditation, focusing on breath or an object, what you are really doing is pushing down the other distractions which will surely reappear when you are not focusing on your object.  It's a distraction for your distractions. The teachings of this wholesome/unwholesome meditation, Metta, was taught by the Buddha in the Suttas and is a more streamlined way to achieve Nibana in this lifetime.  This would be enlightenment.


My first couple of days were sketchy.  I was trying but I didn't really know what I was going for.  I figured if I kept at it and asked enough questions I would understand what it was I was trying to do.  I had to unlearn a lot of behavior that was automatic.  It was actually a good thing I was not a regularly practicing meditator because it would have been very difficult for me to unlearn 'bad' habits.  So slowly but surely I was acheiving what I was supposed to in my practice.  On my third day, it was awful.  I was feeling overwhelemed, I didn't think this was going to work, I stopped myself from breaking down into tears, I kept trying everything I knew to relax and just stop thinking about anything and nothing was working.  I couldn't get past these thoughts that kept violating my head space about what I was going through in my life now and what could be happening, all aspects good and bad or just nonsense.   I felt like a failure.

Some of the grounds

The next morning, after morning meditation, I had an unforgettable experience.  I was calm and looking forward to the day because I had a new day to begin with.  I was positive and all I could do was try.  During my sitting after about 10 minutes, it became incredible.  My light shifted and moved and there was this overwhelming feeling of joy and happiness all throughout me and radiating from me.  I could NOT stop smiling!  I sat there for about another 15 minutes and I couldn't stand it anymore, I had to go outside.  I walked the grounds and into the forest and just felt so calm and peaceful and happy. Interestingly, I felt smaller. Like I was closer to the ground.  It really was like magic.  The feeling of loving kindness I had struggled with finding in the days before was a permanent part of me.  The struggling Bhante had told me was a hardening of the heart. He said my awful day was a "work day".  I now had this sudden truth in my head that "everything JUST is".  And I was ok with that! I still am!  I realized I literally had no control over anything in my life or anyone else.  It is difficult to really overcome and I do still have some attachments but for the most part, I really overcame a lot of what I *thought* was the problem.  I saw everything in a whole new light.  I saw things as they were.  They just ARE.  I gave up mourning the past and I am working on stopping mulling over the future, focusing on where I am right NOW.   I can still feel this light in me and I am still working on radiating it out to all around me.  Whether others feel it or not, is none of my concern.  I just need to be concerned about me.

I remembered what it was like to be happy.  A genuine happy.  Not a happy for the moment feeling but a happy all the time happy.  I hadn't felt like that in four years.  Back when our relationship started going downhill but I didn't see it.  I have a truth within me that is what it is.  Other people may have opinions of me and that is fine.  That is their thinking.  Their life.  I couldn't control it anyway.  I know enough about me and I know what I am made up of.  I won't allow anyone to dictate to me how I feel or accuse me of making them feel any certain way because I didn't.  I can't.  That is impossible.  I can see how being around certain people who bring you down and insult you can lead to feeling depression but all in all, it's you who go there. You who stay there. You who are blind to the treatment.  It all sounds like it should just be known, but it isn't.  You THINK you know these things, but until it becomes you, you really only are guessing.

When I left the retreat I went to a local mountain there, Taum Sauk to go hike on the Mina Sauk Falls trail.  It was Sunday and I expected it to be crowded because it was beautiful out and the place usually has quit a few people on the weekends to go see the top most part of Missouri.  I hit a detour in the morning because my mind was clearly not thinking and ended up about an hour away from where I needed to be but that was fine, I had all day.

 I arrived there and there were a handful of vehicles in the parking lot.  I set out on the 3 mile trail and I saw one couple at the trail head, just coming back from the point of interest.  That was all I saw the whole time!  It was so bizarre!  It was a gorgeous day, there weren't any other groups of people being loud and obnoxious.  There were animals and insects, lizards to see that weren't being scared off.  I didn't have to feel rushed by other people like I used to. (I don't know why but HE always made it seem like it was a damn race.  Always ahead, would not slow down to just enjoy views.  When he started leading other groups of hikers you can imagine how floored I was to see him lagging behind everyone else and saying it was ok if they took their time.  I guess when you want to look good to other people these are the things you do.)  I didn't have any kids walking right behind me as I hate, no complaining.  I got to take my time and enjoy what I wanted to enjoy.  Its a challenging trail but I felt great.  At the end, a little out of breath but feeling still ever so happy and appreciating where I was at that moment.

I don't know if I will continue on to becoming Buddhist but the teachings are something that I will carry with me.  I am changed for it.  Buddha was not a teacher, he was a guide. YOU are your own teacher.  I almost feel like a paid actor supporting a product but it was a pretty profound time.  Those articles on meditation and insight, it's not bullshit. I have been able to reach a place where I do not take things personally (for the most part).   It all won't take you where you need to be as fast as you would like but having a mental shift and dropping bad mental habits is amazingly freeing.  I am so very glad I got to study with Bhante Vimalaramsi and this really is something I will keep in my life because I am healing with it. 

7 Days

I have been gone from "home" for seven days.
I missed the dogs and cat and my kids of course, but that was it.  I had no phone, no internet, no schedule, no responsibilities other than 'me' and I got to learn about something I have always had an interest in. 

When I left I had it in my head that I *knew* what I wanted.  I wanted to lose the feelings that I had but without becoming heartless or cold.  If I could have taken on an "Eternal Sunshine in a Spotless Mind" scenario, I would have taken it.  Honestly, I still would.  Opening your eyes to something that you had closed for so long, made excuses for and revolved around for the past 4 years and not getting half back in return has been a very rude awakening for me.  The more I stand outside the situation and see the behavior of who was involved, I really am in shock as to not only who I became, but that I let it happen.  I see it as it was.  As it is.  The truth.  For now, I am ok with it.  I have to be, because its the truth. I have no control, I will NOT have control and I had no control over anything that happened.  It happened as it happened and things adjust accordingly.  I don't have to take it personally.  If someone wants to be a miserable ass, then that is their prerogative.  If they want to run around chasing younger women because they are having some sort of mid life crises or want someone who will revolve around them like he is the sun, then that is his business.  He will never be happy.  Not until he learns a few things and all in all, that is his path.  I actually can find some things about him that made me super angry rather amusing and funny.  Almost like I can't wait to see what happens but I won't make expectations or hope for the worst.  It's not really up to me anyway.


I got to spend a week learning from a Buddhist monk. In the woods with like one other student.  A return retreater, a woman in her 50's from France and then Berkeley.  I walked in the woods by myself. I learned lovingkindness meditation and have graduated two Jhanas. Two out of four ain't bad ;)  I FELT the change. I SEE the change.  I AM the change.  It really is amazing what a little perspective can do for one.  What can be had for taking the time to just 'be'.  It's not like I was never happy and now I am, I was very happy four years ago.  Until he started to change me.  I can see it all so clearly now.  Then him becoming angry with me for becoming depressed which was caused by him.  Go figure...  But now, I am back to being happy.  I know I will have days that won't be as spectacular, and I will still struggle with certain things but I have laid a very solid foundation for me to work with, learn on and keep forever.  And I don't need to allow anyone to ever treat me like he did, ever again.

It is very difficult to not have control over something you thought you did.  It is very difficult to realize this as well.  What is amazing though is watching and feeling how different the world is around you when you actually do let go.  Even visually, everything is different.  It's nuts....

I don't know if I will continue down the path to becoming a Buddhist but for now, the thoughts and theories are seedlings in my head growing already.  I have been very lucky to have come across this whole string of life events and I now have goals, dreams and am so much better than I was before.   I felt the internal and external feelings of joy and happiness and the peaceful serenity of compassion and all without taking anything personal. Without questioning.  Without losing myself.  I have a lot to take care of in me and I really look forward to doing so because I have realized my worth in its entirety.  I have realized what I have to give and what I will not tolerate in my life anymore because I don't need to feel afraid or walk on eggshells.  I don't need to placate someone or make sure that they are happy.  I don't need to be anyone's cheerleader or maid or cook or wonder about sex. Will it happen? Am I desirable? Will it be satisfying? Will it just be another round of all about him? How many more orgasms do I need to fake? None. No more. Not my problem.

I feel good and I feel whole.  I feel I have a great future and I only have one hold back at this point.  I am damn lonely.

Dream : Pawn Shop

I feel this is a dream worth noting. 

 I went to a pawn shop I apparently frequent. The owner asked if I was there to sell more gold and I said no, that I wanted to buy some instead this time and rebuild my collection.  So I started looking through a selection of nuggets to see what I wanted.  I was thinking I couldn't afford it but I had to do it.  I had a case with me that contained silver jewelry,  mostly junk. There were a few pieces he wanted. There was another guy working there and we all started chatting about things like houses and what I had been going through.  He offered to buy the house I was renting so I could pay a lower rent and get rid of him finally. I was over the moon.

 I was walking around a small town I was visiting and came across a gal who was headed in the same direction.  She wanted to go to the pawn shop but I was sure they were closed today. We walked up to it and it was. So we went to this little store, like a general store, and were wandering around. When we came across the pawn shop owners. The main guy was older, more Wilfred Brimley like but the younger one, I was attracted to and I thought maybe the feeling was mutual.   I was very obviously flirting with him and he kept being very shy and distant. I tried to get him into a conversation and he just acted very not interested.  I was going over and over in my head why this could be. I was telling my friend all my attributes and she was agreeing thinking maybe he is just intimidated.

 This dream is very reflective of what is going on and not only that but gives me a sense of what I need to be doing. That what I am doing is the right thing.

 I feel I finally have some sort of validation and today, today is going to be a new "rest of my life".

Narcissist 1: Melissa 0

I made an apology for my obnoxious behavior.  I refuse to apologize for my feelings.  I'm trying to talk to him, in a nice way, like he keeps asking of me, and I want him to just say something nice to me about me so I can maybe just feel a tiny bit better.  He tells me it's within me. Oh, but he had told me, I made HIM miserable.  But that's not within him? His response? "That was in the past."  Also in response to my asking his response was "I don't think we should be living together. " No shit fuckface... Should have thought of that when you sat next  to me just a couple of months ago when we were renewing our lease.

 Even when I asked several times if he had any one single nice thing to say, he just talked in circles and answered my questions with questions.  He said he could not. I'm supposed to be like a nice roommate and he can just be an asshole. He said he has nothing nice to say about me. Who the fuck does he think he is?

 I tried to end the "conversation" earlier when I could see the look on his face was of pure disgust. He rallied that he was there listening still. Proceeds to tell me nothing is worth talking about. How one can go from being a huge part of your daily life into absolutely nothing and not worth anything flabbergasts me. To the fucking core. I have no idea who this person is. He's an absolute dick though and god help the "multiple women"  he is pursuing because I know first hand none will tolerate his narcissistic behavior. His head is so far up his ass... come and go as he pleases without even so much as a look at me and wants to know what time I'm leaving?

Fuck. You. Buddy.

 You have lost any respect I had left for you.
I ACTUALLY don't owe you shit and you owe me more than there are stars in the sky.

I understand the relationship is over. I GET the fact you are disgusted by me. I GET the fact you want nothing more to do with me but why the fuck do you have to act and tell me that the past 6 years meant nothing.  Why do you have to talk in circles? Why the hell are YOU playing the poor sad victim?  Why do you still have to treat me like shit?  Why cant you understand your actions have repercussions?
You don't get your cake and get to eat it too you twat. Nobody does, least of all YOU.

Life Path

Things have been emotional as of late and by things, I mean emotions. I have officially turned into someone I do not like at all.  Floundering in an ocean of chaotic feelings and whispers in my ear of retributions and wrong doings.  Instead of becoming more non-attached in my life, I have become sticky and clinging to something that won't have me. And I am taking it personally.  I have no control over the situation and that bothers the hell out of me because what I really crave at the moment is some sort of stability and security.  I have my routines and I don't like them to be disturbed and this was a tornado of disturbance in the realm of me.  I think I could handle things a lot better by not handling them.  This sounds counter productive in my head though so it's really difficult to let go and care but not care.

Tomorrow I am leaving for a week, for me.  I have been working since I was 14 years old and I have never ever taken a week off of work for a solid straight vacation.  I have never done anything remotely like it on my own. I saw my chance and I took it.  I have been trailing behind others for so long and patiently waiting for it to be my turn to pick the destination or the activity and I haven't gotten a chance.  I say vacation but I don't think that is what it is.  There is something that clicked in my heart recently and drew me onto the path I am about to embark on.  I don't know exactly what it was or what will happen or what to expect.  It's one of those inner compass things that pulls you into its orbit.  When I know what that thing is, that is when I will pull into whatever it is and away from just orbiting.  It feels good.  I haven't been motivated in a long time.  It has been a few years of just surviving and slaving to the common good.

If my 30's were all about what they were, this clearly is the start of a new way of living decade for my 40's.  Just in time I suppose.  Then again everything in its own time. 

I'm in a lot of pain and confusion still.  New findings that I don't want to find haunt me and drag me down.  The green eyed monster comes out and she is hideous.  The anger that follows behind her is equally as tragic.  I just HAVE to quit losing my shit.  The only one I am hurting is me.  All of this that I want to prove and believe and one-up on is being done for someone who doesn't even care about me anymore.  I have strong doubts he ever did other than that I was a cheerleader for him.  I don't know if it's real jealousy or if I am severely angry because I gave so much and he so little and now what should have gone to me goes to someone else.  And it hurts because I felt this love so strongly and deeply. Heart and soul.  Only to be told it wasn't what was desired.  It's still a sharp burn and I can't stop torturing myself with thinking of times we had that were happy (and there were soo very many) or imaging him giving of himself to someone else.  Either way it cuts deep and with a dull rusty edge. 

I really hope the next week will bring me more than my path to follow.  I need healing and I need guidance.  I need to get away from him because he is causing me to be so toxic.  I need to remember who I am and what I need and want instead of thinking about others for once.  I want a plan of some sort for dealing with these strong feelings instead of raging or sobbing like an asshole. Discipline and an eye opener is what I need and that is what I will be pursuing. 

I am strong.  Intelligent. Funny. Pretty. Kind. Generous. Empathic. Intuitive. Patient. Hopeful. Loving. Independent. Thoughtful. Honest. I am much more than he ever deserved and I am enough for me.  I can't spend my life stroking someone else's ego while I sit there and wait for some great reward.  While I get nothing in return.  Very painful lesson learned. 

Laws of attraction work in more than one way

Probably about 7 months or so before I met G. I had the law of attraction heavy on my mind.  I had been on my own, divorced from my husband and co-raising two kids for about 3 and a half years.  During the time of which there was a trickle of completely undesirable men that would pop up once in a while.  Some were just awful, complete assholes.  I shudder to think I even gave any of my time to people like this.

There was the one that threw a complete temper tantrum and made a big fight over the fact that I wasn't giving him a blow job before he left for work everyday. Invite me over where he would sit and play on his gaming system with his friend.  Grown man.  The one that was so clingy he pretty much told me he loved me on our third outing.  If I went to take a shower he would show up. Just come on into the shower. Boundaries, he didn't know the word.  I had to take to locking my own bathroom door after telling him I didn't like that and he got upset.  Seriously.  The one I went out with with some friends to a bar of which at the end of the night he hands me his keys and says I have to drive because he has no license because he had two DUI's.  This, after I had an evening of vodka cranberries and I thought he was taking it easy. The Scientologist who swore to me that he didn't mind I wasn't into that and would never try to sway me. (He was married to someone within 6 months). There were a few here and there that things just didn't go anywhere with and it was a mutual dislike or feeling of no sparks. Of course the one I inadvertently fell infatuated with that was a real let down, broke my heart a wee bit. The one who 'didn't need me in his life at that time'. *ouch*

I had been let down and sorely disappointed by the selection of men I had to choose from, or more likely were choosing me, and I was getting upset by putting myself out there for shit heads like these.  So I made up my mind and said I wasn't going to go looking for love.  I told myself that if I had to be alone till I was 80 till I found true love then that would have to be it.  Because certainly it was better than the way I had been being treated. So I took on an attitude of "I don't care, I am just going to live my life how I want to and stop expecting anything from anyone".  In the meantime, I made a list.  I figured I would throw it out into the universe and see what could happen.  This way I didn't have any pressure to try to figure out what or who was going to happen next because I was pretty sure what the universe was going to bring me was exactly what I wanted.  My list was seriously detailed.  Down to the eye color.  Body type, personality, kid situation, intelligence, I mean DETAILED.

I went looking for this list this afternoon and I could have sworn I kept it in one of my journals but it wasn't there.  I just don't know what happened to it.  At any rate, within 7 months G. came into my life.  He was a trickle at first.  He chatted me up online.  A brief conversation here and there which grew to more.  I got comfortable with letting him know where I worked and I was scared but hopeful that he would show up one day.

and he did.
And my co-worker said "who's that?" as he walked in and greeted me personally, kids racing ahead to pick out their movies.
In my head the only thing that came was "That is the rest of my life."
I was smitten.  He represented all but like two things on my very detailed list. It was super weird and uncanny.  It was amazing...The attraction was mutual and it didn't take long for us to have a life of its own.  I was going through my journals and I detailed quite a few things about the process of us falling in love.  How he kept saying he wasn't looking for a relationship.  How I wasn't either.  How we communicated to each other about how we were feeling and growing together. It was like a god damn fairy tale.
In the beginning he told me he would break my heart. I remember thinking "good luck cause I ain't putting it out there."  but I did. and I told him one evening that I couldn't imagine not having him in my life and it was the night the big L word was dropped. He said it first. I knew even days before it was coming, I was super excited. Like a girl knowing she is going to be proposed to. It was fucking adorable.

So reading more into my journals that I am unfortunately not very regular with, there were quite a lot of happy times.  I was over the moon and felt very lucky.  We moved in together.  About two years in was when the trouble started.  I think when it began it was just typical learning-to-get-along-in-the-same-house stuff.  We had disagreements and argued but for the most part, every time I was writing about something negative going on, it was G.  It was him telling me how horrible I am.  How he literally told me I wasn't worth it.  That I wasn't worthy of love.  He would blow up in these angry rages where he would just lecture me about how negative I am, how I am not allowed to be that way. The many times I was told what he would not tolerate in a relationship.

and I took it.
I made so many excuses.  He was out of work for so long, I thought for sure that is a depression maker.  I would try to confront him on his anger issues and when he finally stopped shutting down and talking to me about things, I felt it was progress.  I felt it was improving.  Then it would all go back to me being the source of his misery.  I sat there and supported him in whatever he wanted to do in his life.  I walked on eggshells so often around him because I never knew if me was going to blow up or get mad about something. I literally was afraid to talk to him because he would tell me I was wrong. I was the one who started to shut down.  Him telling me that I shouldn't feel a certain way or I wasn't allowed to when I was upset or angry.  I wrote these things down.  I praised us for going to counseling and having a mutual respect for one another at trying hard to work on us.  That it meant that we loved each other.  Respected each other and valued one another for what we each were.

I still felt this was up until I was told none of it was true.  He said he was done "trying".  The whole time he was trying to make me become more submissive to him and what he wanted.  The whole of everything revolved around him.  Every once in a while I would come into play as a focus but only because he said I was depressed or negative or needed help.  Always to put the burden of our failings on me. and I believed him.  Feeling like I didn't know how real relationships worked, having never been witness to one except for my failed marriage, I took his word for me being the monster he said I was.  I worked very hard to NOT be that person.  I felt like I was always having to meet these demands.  He held the relationship hostage.  If I didn't change this or that he was going to leave.  In the mean time I was writing in my journal wondering if I should stay or leave.  That I was having difficulty believing I could ever be what he wanted in his life.  Then he would turn around and smile and hug and be like everything is ok.  Like we were a good team.  Like I grounded him. "challenged him in the right ways" he once said.

So all in all I can see myself why this whole event is so upsetting.  I was making an effort in a relationship that was never going to work because even he didn't know what he wanted.  I stayed with it because of the little wins.  I felt they got bigger every time.  Like the good was finally starting to outweigh the bad.  That all the time and effort and love I was putting into him was 'paying off' so to speak.  I was putting behind me the bad things he said to me and the horrible ways he made me feel because I really believed in us and was forgiving.  So to hear one final time from him that he thinks I am a terrible person, that I don't know how to love, while it is so crushing to me, I know he is so very wrong.

When I was ending my marriage I tried everything.  I said I wasn't going to give up or walk away unless I felt in my heart that I had given 110% to the effort.  And I did.  We mutually agreed we were too young to have married.  With him being in the service he wanted something to tie him down and my broken childhood, I just wanted to get away.  I believe I was giving 110% in this as well.  I don't believe he was. He was giving himself a majority of the effort.   Big pats on the back for having had put up with my shit for all these years .....right?

I think its time to make a new list.