Mindfulness of a hike

So my retreat went as well as it could have.  Bhante was extremely not what I imagined and the things that I learned were radically different than the things I *thought* I knew about meditation.  I didn't really know that I was also to be receiving lessons in Buddhism itself, I had an inkling but I was given the ground work for what Buddhism is all about.  It's really something I got behind and really thought about while there.  I carried these thoughts home with me and I am still mulling on them.  It can be pretty deep stuff, said in the simplest of terms but after hearing you say "damn, that really makes sense." I spent a lot of time saying that actually.

The Dhamma Hall

My little sleeping cabin for the week

Mindfulness is not what I thought.  Mindfulness is the act of recognizing how and where the minds thoughts go to.  So what we did was to meditate on lovingkindness which is to smile and radiate this feeling to whomever or where ever you are depending on your level.  In this time, every time your mind wanders away, you gently redirect it and just ignore the train your brain was trying to take you on.  It's conditioning.  You are teaching your brain to ignore the unwholesome and to be only in a zone of wholesome.  If you practice a one point meditation, focusing on breath or an object, what you are really doing is pushing down the other distractions which will surely reappear when you are not focusing on your object.  It's a distraction for your distractions. The teachings of this wholesome/unwholesome meditation, Metta, was taught by the Buddha in the Suttas and is a more streamlined way to achieve Nibana in this lifetime.  This would be enlightenment.


My first couple of days were sketchy.  I was trying but I didn't really know what I was going for.  I figured if I kept at it and asked enough questions I would understand what it was I was trying to do.  I had to unlearn a lot of behavior that was automatic.  It was actually a good thing I was not a regularly practicing meditator because it would have been very difficult for me to unlearn 'bad' habits.  So slowly but surely I was acheiving what I was supposed to in my practice.  On my third day, it was awful.  I was feeling overwhelemed, I didn't think this was going to work, I stopped myself from breaking down into tears, I kept trying everything I knew to relax and just stop thinking about anything and nothing was working.  I couldn't get past these thoughts that kept violating my head space about what I was going through in my life now and what could be happening, all aspects good and bad or just nonsense.   I felt like a failure.

Some of the grounds

The next morning, after morning meditation, I had an unforgettable experience.  I was calm and looking forward to the day because I had a new day to begin with.  I was positive and all I could do was try.  During my sitting after about 10 minutes, it became incredible.  My light shifted and moved and there was this overwhelming feeling of joy and happiness all throughout me and radiating from me.  I could NOT stop smiling!  I sat there for about another 15 minutes and I couldn't stand it anymore, I had to go outside.  I walked the grounds and into the forest and just felt so calm and peaceful and happy. Interestingly, I felt smaller. Like I was closer to the ground.  It really was like magic.  The feeling of loving kindness I had struggled with finding in the days before was a permanent part of me.  The struggling Bhante had told me was a hardening of the heart. He said my awful day was a "work day".  I now had this sudden truth in my head that "everything JUST is".  And I was ok with that! I still am!  I realized I literally had no control over anything in my life or anyone else.  It is difficult to really overcome and I do still have some attachments but for the most part, I really overcame a lot of what I *thought* was the problem.  I saw everything in a whole new light.  I saw things as they were.  They just ARE.  I gave up mourning the past and I am working on stopping mulling over the future, focusing on where I am right NOW.   I can still feel this light in me and I am still working on radiating it out to all around me.  Whether others feel it or not, is none of my concern.  I just need to be concerned about me.

I remembered what it was like to be happy.  A genuine happy.  Not a happy for the moment feeling but a happy all the time happy.  I hadn't felt like that in four years.  Back when our relationship started going downhill but I didn't see it.  I have a truth within me that is what it is.  Other people may have opinions of me and that is fine.  That is their thinking.  Their life.  I couldn't control it anyway.  I know enough about me and I know what I am made up of.  I won't allow anyone to dictate to me how I feel or accuse me of making them feel any certain way because I didn't.  I can't.  That is impossible.  I can see how being around certain people who bring you down and insult you can lead to feeling depression but all in all, it's you who go there. You who stay there. You who are blind to the treatment.  It all sounds like it should just be known, but it isn't.  You THINK you know these things, but until it becomes you, you really only are guessing.

When I left the retreat I went to a local mountain there, Taum Sauk to go hike on the Mina Sauk Falls trail.  It was Sunday and I expected it to be crowded because it was beautiful out and the place usually has quit a few people on the weekends to go see the top most part of Missouri.  I hit a detour in the morning because my mind was clearly not thinking and ended up about an hour away from where I needed to be but that was fine, I had all day.

 I arrived there and there were a handful of vehicles in the parking lot.  I set out on the 3 mile trail and I saw one couple at the trail head, just coming back from the point of interest.  That was all I saw the whole time!  It was so bizarre!  It was a gorgeous day, there weren't any other groups of people being loud and obnoxious.  There were animals and insects, lizards to see that weren't being scared off.  I didn't have to feel rushed by other people like I used to. (I don't know why but HE always made it seem like it was a damn race.  Always ahead, would not slow down to just enjoy views.  When he started leading other groups of hikers you can imagine how floored I was to see him lagging behind everyone else and saying it was ok if they took their time.  I guess when you want to look good to other people these are the things you do.)  I didn't have any kids walking right behind me as I hate, no complaining.  I got to take my time and enjoy what I wanted to enjoy.  Its a challenging trail but I felt great.  At the end, a little out of breath but feeling still ever so happy and appreciating where I was at that moment.

I don't know if I will continue on to becoming Buddhist but the teachings are something that I will carry with me.  I am changed for it.  Buddha was not a teacher, he was a guide. YOU are your own teacher.  I almost feel like a paid actor supporting a product but it was a pretty profound time.  Those articles on meditation and insight, it's not bullshit. I have been able to reach a place where I do not take things personally (for the most part).   It all won't take you where you need to be as fast as you would like but having a mental shift and dropping bad mental habits is amazingly freeing.  I am so very glad I got to study with Bhante Vimalaramsi and this really is something I will keep in my life because I am healing with it.