Life Path

Things have been emotional as of late and by things, I mean emotions. I have officially turned into someone I do not like at all.  Floundering in an ocean of chaotic feelings and whispers in my ear of retributions and wrong doings.  Instead of becoming more non-attached in my life, I have become sticky and clinging to something that won't have me. And I am taking it personally.  I have no control over the situation and that bothers the hell out of me because what I really crave at the moment is some sort of stability and security.  I have my routines and I don't like them to be disturbed and this was a tornado of disturbance in the realm of me.  I think I could handle things a lot better by not handling them.  This sounds counter productive in my head though so it's really difficult to let go and care but not care.

Tomorrow I am leaving for a week, for me.  I have been working since I was 14 years old and I have never ever taken a week off of work for a solid straight vacation.  I have never done anything remotely like it on my own. I saw my chance and I took it.  I have been trailing behind others for so long and patiently waiting for it to be my turn to pick the destination or the activity and I haven't gotten a chance.  I say vacation but I don't think that is what it is.  There is something that clicked in my heart recently and drew me onto the path I am about to embark on.  I don't know exactly what it was or what will happen or what to expect.  It's one of those inner compass things that pulls you into its orbit.  When I know what that thing is, that is when I will pull into whatever it is and away from just orbiting.  It feels good.  I haven't been motivated in a long time.  It has been a few years of just surviving and slaving to the common good.

If my 30's were all about what they were, this clearly is the start of a new way of living decade for my 40's.  Just in time I suppose.  Then again everything in its own time. 

I'm in a lot of pain and confusion still.  New findings that I don't want to find haunt me and drag me down.  The green eyed monster comes out and she is hideous.  The anger that follows behind her is equally as tragic.  I just HAVE to quit losing my shit.  The only one I am hurting is me.  All of this that I want to prove and believe and one-up on is being done for someone who doesn't even care about me anymore.  I have strong doubts he ever did other than that I was a cheerleader for him.  I don't know if it's real jealousy or if I am severely angry because I gave so much and he so little and now what should have gone to me goes to someone else.  And it hurts because I felt this love so strongly and deeply. Heart and soul.  Only to be told it wasn't what was desired.  It's still a sharp burn and I can't stop torturing myself with thinking of times we had that were happy (and there were soo very many) or imaging him giving of himself to someone else.  Either way it cuts deep and with a dull rusty edge. 

I really hope the next week will bring me more than my path to follow.  I need healing and I need guidance.  I need to get away from him because he is causing me to be so toxic.  I need to remember who I am and what I need and want instead of thinking about others for once.  I want a plan of some sort for dealing with these strong feelings instead of raging or sobbing like an asshole. Discipline and an eye opener is what I need and that is what I will be pursuing. 

I am strong.  Intelligent. Funny. Pretty. Kind. Generous. Empathic. Intuitive. Patient. Hopeful. Loving. Independent. Thoughtful. Honest. I am much more than he ever deserved and I am enough for me.  I can't spend my life stroking someone else's ego while I sit there and wait for some great reward.  While I get nothing in return.  Very painful lesson learned.