7 Days

I have been gone from "home" for seven days.
I missed the dogs and cat and my kids of course, but that was it.  I had no phone, no internet, no schedule, no responsibilities other than 'me' and I got to learn about something I have always had an interest in. 

When I left I had it in my head that I *knew* what I wanted.  I wanted to lose the feelings that I had but without becoming heartless or cold.  If I could have taken on an "Eternal Sunshine in a Spotless Mind" scenario, I would have taken it.  Honestly, I still would.  Opening your eyes to something that you had closed for so long, made excuses for and revolved around for the past 4 years and not getting half back in return has been a very rude awakening for me.  The more I stand outside the situation and see the behavior of who was involved, I really am in shock as to not only who I became, but that I let it happen.  I see it as it was.  As it is.  The truth.  For now, I am ok with it.  I have to be, because its the truth. I have no control, I will NOT have control and I had no control over anything that happened.  It happened as it happened and things adjust accordingly.  I don't have to take it personally.  If someone wants to be a miserable ass, then that is their prerogative.  If they want to run around chasing younger women because they are having some sort of mid life crises or want someone who will revolve around them like he is the sun, then that is his business.  He will never be happy.  Not until he learns a few things and all in all, that is his path.  I actually can find some things about him that made me super angry rather amusing and funny.  Almost like I can't wait to see what happens but I won't make expectations or hope for the worst.  It's not really up to me anyway.


I got to spend a week learning from a Buddhist monk. In the woods with like one other student.  A return retreater, a woman in her 50's from France and then Berkeley.  I walked in the woods by myself. I learned lovingkindness meditation and have graduated two Jhanas. Two out of four ain't bad ;)  I FELT the change. I SEE the change.  I AM the change.  It really is amazing what a little perspective can do for one.  What can be had for taking the time to just 'be'.  It's not like I was never happy and now I am, I was very happy four years ago.  Until he started to change me.  I can see it all so clearly now.  Then him becoming angry with me for becoming depressed which was caused by him.  Go figure...  But now, I am back to being happy.  I know I will have days that won't be as spectacular, and I will still struggle with certain things but I have laid a very solid foundation for me to work with, learn on and keep forever.  And I don't need to allow anyone to ever treat me like he did, ever again.

It is very difficult to not have control over something you thought you did.  It is very difficult to realize this as well.  What is amazing though is watching and feeling how different the world is around you when you actually do let go.  Even visually, everything is different.  It's nuts....

I don't know if I will continue down the path to becoming a Buddhist but for now, the thoughts and theories are seedlings in my head growing already.  I have been very lucky to have come across this whole string of life events and I now have goals, dreams and am so much better than I was before.   I felt the internal and external feelings of joy and happiness and the peaceful serenity of compassion and all without taking anything personal. Without questioning.  Without losing myself.  I have a lot to take care of in me and I really look forward to doing so because I have realized my worth in its entirety.  I have realized what I have to give and what I will not tolerate in my life anymore because I don't need to feel afraid or walk on eggshells.  I don't need to placate someone or make sure that they are happy.  I don't need to be anyone's cheerleader or maid or cook or wonder about sex. Will it happen? Am I desirable? Will it be satisfying? Will it just be another round of all about him? How many more orgasms do I need to fake? None. No more. Not my problem.

I feel good and I feel whole.  I feel I have a great future and I only have one hold back at this point.  I am damn lonely.