Things are coming to a quiet crawl lately. Which is fine because I have had enough emotion and stress for the year. Actually he did something the other day that was complete and utter bull shit. This is just to show how much of a paranoid asshole he is.
He posted a very derogatory post about me on facebook. A mutual friend alerted me to it saying he was 'being icky on facebook'. So I of course confronted him and he wanted to know who it was so he could know who was "sending me stuff". The thing is, no one has sent me anything about him. Nothing. I don't want to know. I don't give a flying fuck. I wish he was gone. I wish I didn't have to see his lying face and be near his asshole body. His presence makes me want to bleach out my whole system for everywhere he has ever even touched me because of the betrayment I felt. So he blocked this innocent friend who was just trying to help and she was upset. I told her he doesn't care. He has a new group of friends he cares about. A new set of groupies. A bigger audience. He won't care about any of them any more because he has moved on. She said she was starting to see that he is indeed a narcissist and her husband gives "zero fucks" about him for the way he is now.
Good. Good for him. If you are normal you don't go around pretending to be in a secure steady relationship until you feel its ready for YOU to move onto your next conquest you lined up in your mind. He may as well have cheated. He was basically having an emotional affair and spent months just judging me and convincing himself of how awful he thinks I am. I know I didn't deserve that. I did nothing to him to deserve that and his guilt gives him away. Every now and then some one will ask if there is a chance we will get back together. I laugh. I laugh deep because there is a snowballs chance in hell that would happen and I don't believe in hell. When I think back to the things he said to me that were abusive in nature, it makes me sick to know I still stuck around for him. That I made excuses. That I blamed it on myself.
Never again.
I am lonely. I miss having someone to talk to and someone to look forward to. Laugh with, cuddle with. I really, really miss sex. I miss making plans with someone and all that other shit. I had been talking to a couple guys off the internet. The one I stated out with, I am not so interested in meeting anymore. Things seemed to have fittered out and I just am not feeling it. Now there is number two and I have to say, I am already getting swept off my feet and we haven't met. He is attentive, funny, charming, smart, creative. He and I have the same sense of spirituality, humor, view points for the most part. He seems like he is the rugged handsome I look for and I feel like I might not be worthy of such an attractive man. I have self confidence issues clearly. He wrote a book, a comic/graphic novel one. Also did the illustrations for it, I am telling you I am pretty blown away. There are a couple red flags but I will give it time. I don't want to judge too deeply and I really enjoy getting to know someone who wants to get to know me. He compliments me all the time which I am not used to and he is a Pisces which is actually my exact astrological match. LOL.
Things are things and they are what they are for now. I am just trying to get by day by day and accomplish what I can for now and keep in mind some goals I would like to achieve in the future. I still have my happy, I have lost about 15 pounds, I am trying still to radiate my lovingkindness and I am trying not to have expectations anymore. I hope the continuity of goodness can keep flowing for me.
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