Today is a high emotion day and I feel completely out of control. I feel unsatisfied and angry but I couldn't quite put my finger on exactly why. So I came home, laid down and tried to find my love and kindness to give to myself and it all of a sudden hit me what was bothering me.
I have been talking to someone for about a week and a half? now. We seem to get a long well and have a lot in common. He seems attractive and is easy to talk to but there are a few red flags that I just can't ignore. If they bother me now, it likely will bother me in the future. He is super excited about the prospect of 'us' and the more I think about it, the more I feel like backing away. I am not too keen on his history, how many marriages, how many children. His job is something I can't see a man my age doing for a living and sometimes when he talks he just goes on and on and a lot is about himself. The last thing I need is another narcissist. He also is coming across as more vain than I would like and that bothers me as well. I feel like I might be super picky or shallow but then I think, why the hell should I sacrifice what I want in a partner? It's not like it's a race or I absolutely need to be with someone.
Then I think, "I don't think I am ready for this."
I don't think I am in a place to trust anyone right now.
Every time we have a good conversation or I get complimented I just get covered in thoughts of "this is how it was with HIM". Like how we just 'clicked' and how similar we were. How we got along and the attraction level. And I think, "and then six years later, I'm the one left without warning, out of the blue and get a broken heart when I believed it was a true thing." If I thought that was true and the rest of my life, I feel I can't trust my judgement anymore. I feel I can't trust other men. and it hurts. It hurts me because I shouldn't have ever been made to feel this way when I have done absolutely nothing wrong.
I think this is where someone would tell me I need to be able to take a chance because 'you never know' but at this time, I WANT to trust my gut. I WANT to be able to have someone who loves me for me. Who appreciates me and wants to be with me. Touch me, share mundane things with me, talk to me about nothing and everything and I feel like I'm not going to be able to have that because I will never know if it is real or not. because it certainly felt real to me before. I was willing to fight for it. I was willing to do anything, change everything for the better. For the betterment of me because of how much I trusted and believed the feeling was mutual; was reciprocated.
I know its too soon to be saying anything considering I haven't even physically met him yet but I just don't feel like I want to pursue this or anything else at this time. I don't want to go back to that awful place of fear and loathing again but I have to figure out a way to learn how to trust again. Myself and others. As lonely as I am and as unappreciated and taken for granted I feel, for as much as I want to be desired and a relationship with passion and kindness, I want even more to not have to waste my time giving all of myself heart and soul to someone who is just going to throw me away again. I wouldn't be able to survive another heart break like this. This, literally, has been THE most emotionally painful thing I have ever been through in my life so far. While I am and have been taking steps to become better and to let go, it is a process that is going to take time. It never will be all the way gone, its a part of me. Its a part of me and I hate that.
I don't know what I am going to do. I don't know how I am going to handle this emotional letdown of trust and caring but I do know I can't go further in my life without it. There won't be progress for myself like I want if I don't take care of the baggage weighing me down. I kind of like that I am noticing these things about someone that I don't like, I feel like I am being more aware of what I invite into my life but being responsible sure is difficult some times.
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