Probably about 7 months or so before I met G. I had the law of attraction heavy on my mind. I had been on my own, divorced from my husband and co-raising two kids for about 3 and a half years. During the time of which there was a trickle of completely undesirable men that would pop up once in a while. Some were just awful, complete assholes. I shudder to think I even gave any of my time to people like this.
There was the one that threw a complete temper tantrum and made a big fight over the fact that I wasn't giving him a blow job before he left for work everyday. Invite me over where he would sit and play on his gaming system with his friend. Grown man. The one that was so clingy he pretty much told me he loved me on our third outing. If I went to take a shower he would show up. Just come on into the shower. Boundaries, he didn't know the word. I had to take to locking my own bathroom door after telling him I didn't like that and he got upset. Seriously. The one I went out with with some friends to a bar of which at the end of the night he hands me his keys and says I have to drive because he has no license because he had two DUI's. This, after I had an evening of vodka cranberries and I thought he was taking it easy. The Scientologist who swore to me that he didn't mind I wasn't into that and would never try to sway me. (He was married to someone within 6 months). There were a few here and there that things just didn't go anywhere with and it was a mutual dislike or feeling of no sparks. Of course the one I inadvertently fell infatuated with that was a real let down, broke my heart a wee bit. The one who 'didn't need me in his life at that time'. *ouch*
I had been let down and sorely disappointed by the selection of men I had to choose from, or more likely were choosing me, and I was getting upset by putting myself out there for shit heads like these. So I made up my mind and said I wasn't going to go looking for love. I told myself that if I had to be alone till I was 80 till I found true love then that would have to be it. Because certainly it was better than the way I had been being treated. So I took on an attitude of "I don't care, I am just going to live my life how I want to and stop expecting anything from anyone". In the meantime, I made a list. I figured I would throw it out into the universe and see what could happen. This way I didn't have any pressure to try to figure out what or who was going to happen next because I was pretty sure what the universe was going to bring me was exactly what I wanted. My list was seriously detailed. Down to the eye color. Body type, personality, kid situation, intelligence, I mean DETAILED.
I went looking for this list this afternoon and I could have sworn I kept it in one of my journals but it wasn't there. I just don't know what happened to it. At any rate, within 7 months G. came into my life. He was a trickle at first. He chatted me up online. A brief conversation here and there which grew to more. I got comfortable with letting him know where I worked and I was scared but hopeful that he would show up one day.
and he did.
And my co-worker said "who's that?" as he walked in and greeted me personally, kids racing ahead to pick out their movies.
In my head the only thing that came was "That is the rest of my life."
I was smitten. He represented all but like two things on my very detailed list. It was super weird and uncanny. It was amazing...The attraction was mutual and it didn't take long for us to have a life of its own. I was going through my journals and I detailed quite a few things about the process of us falling in love. How he kept saying he wasn't looking for a relationship. How I wasn't either. How we communicated to each other about how we were feeling and growing together. It was like a god damn fairy tale.
In the beginning he told me he would break my heart. I remember thinking "good luck cause I ain't putting it out there." but I did. and I told him one evening that I couldn't imagine not having him in my life and it was the night the big L word was dropped. He said it first. I knew even days before it was coming, I was super excited. Like a girl knowing she is going to be proposed to. It was fucking adorable.
So reading more into my journals that I am unfortunately not very regular with, there were quite a lot of happy times. I was over the moon and felt very lucky. We moved in together. About two years in was when the trouble started. I think when it began it was just typical learning-to-get-along-in-the-same-house stuff. We had disagreements and argued but for the most part, every time I was writing about something negative going on, it was G. It was him telling me how horrible I am. How he literally told me I wasn't worth it. That I wasn't worthy of love. He would blow up in these angry rages where he would just lecture me about how negative I am, how I am not allowed to be that way. The many times I was told what he would not tolerate in a relationship.
and I took it.
I made so many excuses. He was out of work for so long, I thought for sure that is a depression maker. I would try to confront him on his anger issues and when he finally stopped shutting down and talking to me about things, I felt it was progress. I felt it was improving. Then it would all go back to me being the source of his misery. I sat there and supported him in whatever he wanted to do in his life. I walked on eggshells so often around him because I never knew if me was going to blow up or get mad about something. I literally was afraid to talk to him because he would tell me I was wrong. I was the one who started to shut down. Him telling me that I shouldn't feel a certain way or I wasn't allowed to when I was upset or angry. I wrote these things down. I praised us for going to counseling and having a mutual respect for one another at trying hard to work on us. That it meant that we loved each other. Respected each other and valued one another for what we each were.
I still felt this was up until I was told none of it was true. He said he was done "trying". The whole time he was trying to make me become more submissive to him and what he wanted. The whole of everything revolved around him. Every once in a while I would come into play as a focus but only because he said I was depressed or negative or needed help. Always to put the burden of our failings on me. and I believed him. Feeling like I didn't know how real relationships worked, having never been witness to one except for my failed marriage, I took his word for me being the monster he said I was. I worked very hard to NOT be that person. I felt like I was always having to meet these demands. He held the relationship hostage. If I didn't change this or that he was going to leave. In the mean time I was writing in my journal wondering if I should stay or leave. That I was having difficulty believing I could ever be what he wanted in his life. Then he would turn around and smile and hug and be like everything is ok. Like we were a good team. Like I grounded him. "challenged him in the right ways" he once said.
So all in all I can see myself why this whole event is so upsetting. I was making an effort in a relationship that was never going to work because even he didn't know what he wanted. I stayed with it because of the little wins. I felt they got bigger every time. Like the good was finally starting to outweigh the bad. That all the time and effort and love I was putting into him was 'paying off' so to speak. I was putting behind me the bad things he said to me and the horrible ways he made me feel because I really believed in us and was forgiving. So to hear one final time from him that he thinks I am a terrible person, that I don't know how to love, while it is so crushing to me, I know he is so very wrong.
When I was ending my marriage I tried everything. I said I wasn't going to give up or walk away unless I felt in my heart that I had given 110% to the effort. And I did. We mutually agreed we were too young to have married. With him being in the service he wanted something to tie him down and my broken childhood, I just wanted to get away. I believe I was giving 110% in this as well. I don't believe he was. He was giving himself a majority of the effort. Big pats on the back for having had put up with my shit for all these years .....right?
I think its time to make a new list.
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