The long walk

"Threw you the obvious and you flew with it on your back,
A name in your recollection, down among a million same.
Difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed, and passed over
When I've looked right through, see you naked but oblivious.

And you don't see me.

But I threw you the obvious, just to see if there's more behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel, eyes of a tragedy.
Here I am expecting just a little bit too much from the wounded
But I see, see through it all, see through, see you.

'Cause I threw you the obvious, to see what occurs behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel, eyes of a tragedy, oh well.

Oh well, apparently nothing.
Apparently nothing, at all."

Billy Howerdell

I went for a walk today. A very long walk. It was over 6 and a half miles long.  6 and a half miles of non-stop trying not to cry. Putting one foot in front of the other. Then again. Repeat.

Six and a half miles of trying to call an answer to me out of thin air about what happened.  What will happen.  Six and a half miles all by myself with my thoughts that were constantly having a conversation without me. Six and a half miles of quiet all but the sound of my feet on the trail, the breath in my throat and the screaming in my head.  The irony that it was over six and half miles is not lost on me at this time right now.

There was plenty of flat terrain to mindlessly stride forward in some kind of plan that was laid out for me.  There were these hills that tested my stamina, my lung power, my foothold. As I climbed them I was saying to myself that there was no where to go but to continue.  I was in it and I didn't have a choice. This was not the epiphany I am looking for;  it's just common sense. Ultimately it was my choice to even be there in the first place but literally, I had no idea what I would encounter out there. I just went.

I just want to be somewhere that isn't the place that I used to call home.  Anywhere where he isn't. Anywhere where I can, maybe for just a brief time span, be where I don't have to face the fact that I am hurting so bad. A place where someone doesn't have such a power over how I feel and feel like such a victim to someone else's whims.

I didn't get to that place today.  I won't get there tomorrow and its likely that I won't ever.  Like when you have a scar.  You can look at that scar and remember exactly how it happened.  Every thing that surrounded that scar from events to people and where you were in your life.  The shitty thing is for right now, everything around me is that god damn scar. Except its not a scar yet.  It's a deep jagged wound. The kind you know needs stitches.  Where you can see the bone.  The kind that won't, for the love of God, stop the eternal bleeding that presents itself as tears.

I still have to go on doing what I have to do.  I go to work. I pay the bills. I try to pretend to my kids that all is ok. I attempt to sleep and I eat for the sake of the fact I just have to.  The whole time I do any of these things I feel like life is taunting me of the fact that I am alone.  That I do not have the support of a partner.  If I have a bad a day, I have no one to come to home to comfort me. I have no one to celebrate good news with or share in the mundane.  I have no one to touch or be touched and to feel like physically I am a part of something bigger.  That I am loved and wanted.

I don't want to hear one more time that I will find someone better.  That my future will bring someone who deserves me.  Sometimes it doesn't.  This was my better.  This was my favorite.  I've seen what happens to women my age who are single.  Are you kidding me? Don't tell me there is something better in my future when statistically you can look around and see that isn't the case. Men get a choice.  The man that I loved has that choice.

I don't.  That was taken from me. I was blindsided into giving away my love for nothing in return.