The long walk

"Threw you the obvious and you flew with it on your back,
A name in your recollection, down among a million same.
Difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed, and passed over
When I've looked right through, see you naked but oblivious.

And you don't see me.

But I threw you the obvious, just to see if there's more behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel, eyes of a tragedy.
Here I am expecting just a little bit too much from the wounded
But I see, see through it all, see through, see you.

'Cause I threw you the obvious, to see what occurs behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel, eyes of a tragedy, oh well.

Oh well, apparently nothing.
Apparently nothing, at all."

Billy Howerdell

I went for a walk today. A very long walk. It was over 6 and a half miles long.  6 and a half miles of non-stop trying not to cry. Putting one foot in front of the other. Then again. Repeat.

Six and a half miles of trying to call an answer to me out of thin air about what happened.  What will happen.  Six and a half miles all by myself with my thoughts that were constantly having a conversation without me. Six and a half miles of quiet all but the sound of my feet on the trail, the breath in my throat and the screaming in my head.  The irony that it was over six and half miles is not lost on me at this time right now.

There was plenty of flat terrain to mindlessly stride forward in some kind of plan that was laid out for me.  There were these hills that tested my stamina, my lung power, my foothold. As I climbed them I was saying to myself that there was no where to go but to continue.  I was in it and I didn't have a choice. This was not the epiphany I am looking for;  it's just common sense. Ultimately it was my choice to even be there in the first place but literally, I had no idea what I would encounter out there. I just went.

I just want to be somewhere that isn't the place that I used to call home.  Anywhere where he isn't. Anywhere where I can, maybe for just a brief time span, be where I don't have to face the fact that I am hurting so bad. A place where someone doesn't have such a power over how I feel and feel like such a victim to someone else's whims.

I didn't get to that place today.  I won't get there tomorrow and its likely that I won't ever.  Like when you have a scar.  You can look at that scar and remember exactly how it happened.  Every thing that surrounded that scar from events to people and where you were in your life.  The shitty thing is for right now, everything around me is that god damn scar. Except its not a scar yet.  It's a deep jagged wound. The kind you know needs stitches.  Where you can see the bone.  The kind that won't, for the love of God, stop the eternal bleeding that presents itself as tears.

I still have to go on doing what I have to do.  I go to work. I pay the bills. I try to pretend to my kids that all is ok. I attempt to sleep and I eat for the sake of the fact I just have to.  The whole time I do any of these things I feel like life is taunting me of the fact that I am alone.  That I do not have the support of a partner.  If I have a bad a day, I have no one to come to home to comfort me. I have no one to celebrate good news with or share in the mundane.  I have no one to touch or be touched and to feel like physically I am a part of something bigger.  That I am loved and wanted.

I don't want to hear one more time that I will find someone better.  That my future will bring someone who deserves me.  Sometimes it doesn't.  This was my better.  This was my favorite.  I've seen what happens to women my age who are single.  Are you kidding me? Don't tell me there is something better in my future when statistically you can look around and see that isn't the case. Men get a choice.  The man that I loved has that choice.

I don't.  That was taken from me. I was blindsided into giving away my love for nothing in return.

Jumbled mess

I can't do this.
I go from strong and fighting and reminding myself of who I am and what he has done to me and I feel good.
Then the next morning rolls around and I'm a sobbing emotional mess.

I cannot wrap my fucking head around what he has done.  I just can't.  I can't understand why someone would say they love you enough to marry you and be your best friend and then turn around and treat you like you are dog shit on their shoe.  I don't deserve it and it makes me incredibly mad that this happened.  I'm mad and I feel like my heart has been ripped out and stomped on. And the whole time he is stomping on it he is wearing that glare he gives me like I did something completely awful and unforgivable to him.

and the whole time I am having to struggle with trying to find answers and trying to pick up the pieces, I have to watch from the background as he is trying to fall in love with someone else.
All these years and emotions and things I have put forth, sacrificed and made possible for him were all a waste and as disposable as a kleenex and it hurts.
It really fucking hurts.

I have to live in this house where everywhere I look it is a combonation of us.  Things that are all mingled together and tell a story of two lives intertwined and there are representations of love within it all.
and he walks around emotionless except to be angry at me.
I don't fucking get it and I don't deserve this pain he has given me.

Today is not a good day because my tears still haven't dried up. Today is not a good day because my heart is still missing.

Scattered pieces

When your single it seems all you notice around you are the happy, lovey affectionate couples that seem to surround you at all times.  When you are with someone all you notice is ...nothing but the other person.
At this point everywhere I look, I see these couples either newly found of eachother and at the honeymoon stage of getting to know one another and really enjoying being with one another and genuinly happy to have found a partner to spend their lives with.  Then the everyday married couple who have been together for years.  They bicker at times, they don't share everything together all the time but they each make compromises to eachother and genuinly have a deep love for eachother than can surpass and help them through a disagreement.  Up until a few months ago, this was the relationship I had.  So now I sit here and glare at that around me.  I feel its all false.  If not now, it will be soon for them.

I'm so sick and tired of feeling so let down.  Of feeling like a disposable person who loves someone who finds no value in me what so ever.  It really fucking hurts and I don't know how to deal with this slap in the face.
I'm trying.  I am trying so hard to accept the reality but without knowing the reasons, it's making things worse.  It's fucking crazy is what it is.  I feel like I am living in an alternate universe.
Everywhere I go and everything I do all I am is reminded of him.  Laughing about this, joking about that.  Remembering a time we went there and those things were said.  It truly makes me feel like how things were portrayed to me at those times were fake.  Like it wasn't real.

If someone tells me they can't love me for who I am; I think that is one of the absolute meanest things to ever say to someone.  You would think initially mabey they didn't really mean to say that.  Perhaps they minced words but no.  Its true.  They are shallow and selfish and narcissistic.  I am the fool for believing in so long and so deep that everything was mutual.  I have been through the shit end of relationships and this in no way had any resemblance to that.  Until recently.  Until he found a new group of friends to glom onto and give him all the unconditional attention he desires and thinks he would prefer that.
In the meantime, I can't stop crying and I can't stop being mad.  I can't forgive and I can't stop trying to figure out who the hell this stranger is that did this to me. To us.  I want to take every fucking thing he ever made me or on the rare occasion, gave me, and burn it in a giant fire.  I want to destroy things and if I have to start over, I may as well start all over. This is going to take a lifetime to deal with and I feel like I don't have anymore room in my heart for things that have damaged me.  I wish I could be as cold and callous as him to just brush it off and attempt to go on with my life while trying to live with a "psychotic bitch" like myself.

The thing is I know in myself I am not these things that he thinks of me.  A partial contribution to wondering where he comes from having these mythical ideas about who I am and what I represent.  I am just at this wonderful point where I am realizing all that I have to offer and what makes me me.  How I am not embarrassed to be me.  How proud I am of my good qualities and how I am taking steps to really get back on my path in life and he chooses this time to tell me I make him miserable and there is nothing about me he consideres a good quality that he can appreciate. If the man that I considered my best friend and partner, the man that I enjoyed spending time with and looked forward to seeing on a daily basis can feel this about me, I don't know where to begin yet again.

Its easy for others to say he is an ass. That he is not worth it and I deserve much better and this very well is the case at this point but it certainly is easier said than done when I have spent so much heart into him.

I am so lonely for company. For the human touch, a feeling like someone loves me as much as I love them.  I went so many years not having this and then having fall into my lap so naturally  only to have it taken away so suddenly. People suck.  More directly, he does.  I can't even find any good qualities about him anymore because they are all shadowed over by this dark cloud he has become.  This black hole consumed of sizing up all my faults and shortcomings and blowing them up all over the universe that is his world.

I journeyed out today with the dog to a new place to try to get away from the house and area where I am constantly reminded of him.  Tomorrow will be a new location and I have to prepare this week to leave on Sunday.  Life is moving on regardless and I have to go with it like it or not.  I cant be hurt and angry with this happens but I still need to begin to work on me again.  Even if I am feeling like I am on robo pilot, Its happening.


For the record, watching people on tv in passionate scenes makes me want to cry my eyes out.

We never used to fight like this. Never.

Last nights events have made a hostile situation into an all out catastrophic turmoil.  I will totally own the responsibility of spurring it all.  I did poke the bear, I had been drinking wine, I was in a mood to be assertive.

All I wanted was to talk.  All he had to do was take 10 minutes to calmly talk to me and answer my questions.  I even sat down on the bed next to him, looked him in his eyes that refused to look at me, and tried to create a calmness by touching his knee, of which he shrank away from like it was burning his skin.  He flat out refused to talk to me.  He kept repeating "It's over. I don't love you anymore." 

Yeah, I get that feeling.

but if you are going to tell me I am a terrible person, I want to know what your reasoning is.  Don't call me a terrible person when you put up a facade of happy love for so long. 

I was determined.  I had to talk through a locked bedroom door and ask when he would talk to me. He says Tuesday. No. I say we have all the kids that day. I'm not doing it then. So he says Wednesday. I say no. I want Monday.  I am will to bet you whatever you want he won't do it.   He will stay gone all day and come "home" at bedtime where he will be too tired. While he spends all his time ignoring me and staying away, I feel like a prisoner in this house. Afraid to leave my room in case I see him.

So he tells me to "fuck off" and that I am a "psychotic bitch".
Me.
I'm psychotic.
He can lie to me through his teeth, bring home wedding pamphlets from the courthouse, talk about 'our' future together then the very next week tell me its over.  He's done. He won't try anymore. But he's not psychotic.....

and try? Try what? Everything already revolved around him.  EVERYTHING.  Try to be more controlling? Try to tell me how flawed I am? Try to tell me how horrible I am? There certainly wasn't an effort to make me happy or to revolve around my life. Every year for his birthday I celebrated with gifts, dinner, cake, etc. Do you know what I got for mine every year? I might get a card.  Maybe a box he made. I get to cook dinner. It's a very non-celebrated thing.  He wants attention bestowed on him like he is a superior man. Like he deserves more respect and gratitude. But can't reply in kind.  The air of self righteousness entered a room before he did. The judgement and criticism handed to me like I should just expect it. Then turn around to the public and be Mr. Nice Guy.  Treating everyone else with kindness and respect. Making sure the burden was shared. Entertaining all with his wit and charm. 
I got glared at.

I just want to know what I did that he feels justifies treating me like shit?  How is it that he can look down on me as if I could never measure up to his standards?  I mean the attitude and treatment I receive, is more likely to stem from something like if I cheated on him. Or gave his kids drugs. Or killed his dog. I know for certain I didn't do anything remotely close to those crimes.

When I left my ex husband, it was a mutual parting. We knew things had run its course and we were admitting we didn't fit well with each other.  Before we came to that point I admit I had a lot of anger built up in side of me. Hostile, aggressive, critical.  Everything he did just pissed me off and I couldn't even stand to be around him. This, this is what I was recently treated like.  I knew what he was feeling inside about me just from watching him.  Now with my ex husband, there were a lot of things that happened between us that I had a lot of resentment over. Him splitting after our daughter was born, taking her and then filing a suit against me for 'abandonment'. Emptying my bank account.  It was nasty.  So those are valid reasons to be so bitter towards someone.  I want to know what heinous thing I did.  There has to be something, right? You don't go from best friends to total enemy for no reason. It doesn't make sense.  He said jump, I said how high. He said you don't have to go, then got upset I chose not to go. Make me upset about something and then be mad at me for being upset over something he did.

I learned a lot, I grew as a person.  I learned how to better my affections and to speak my heart.  I'm still a work in progress but I continue to want to be better. 
I did all these things because I loved him. Because he made me want to be a better person. Not for him but for me. He made me feel secure and loved. We could laugh all the time together and had so many common interests.  He didn't always treat me like he does now.  It wasn't a dominate/submissive relationship.  We were equals and respected each other.

So now I'm very lonely.  I am trying to keep positive in my heart because I have had enough negativity in my life but its so difficult when everything feels so lost and hopeless.  You can't make a silk purse out of a sows ear and all I have are goat feet.  I don't feel lucky or blessed.  I'm very unsure of where my future leads but I am trying my best to create a plan that I can actually accomplish.  I've done it all before, I can do it again.

I can't let go of this anger. This feeling of betrayal and a punishment.  I hate this so much. This is what it is to feel miserable. THIS.

Damaged goods, going cheap!

In the true sense that I am using this as a diary, and I am, I know that things are going to seem random and like I'm crazy.  In that talking to myself is redundant and I hate talking to other people about my issues on a constant basis, lest they grow weary of my turmoil, I absolutely need an outlet. 

I am hoping that in time I will be able to change the description and my bio to this diary but this is pretty consuming and whether I like it or not, I am going through it. Wish that I could ignore it like other people are doing but I think it's easier to look the other way when you are the one causing the damage.  It's easier to convince yourself its not you, its them because that's what you have been doing all along, unbeknownst to the innocent.

So I have to make it through another day.  I have to go to work and put on a face that belies what I am feeling and suppress the urge to weep tears down my face.  I would try to push down the urge to feel sorry for myself or how unfair things are or fantasize about some great payback or reward, but no matter what it is still there haunting the back of every thought. Born on every breath and visualized with every blink of the eye.

I think more than one thing at a time.  I bounce from thinking he is such a fool to think I have no value.  He is a sad soul who has no clue how to love.  He thinks he has it all figured out, but he doesn't.  There is going to be a rude awakening for him someday about controlling and selfishness.  Then I go over to how worthless I feel.  How unattractive, how foolish I have been.   It drags me down and I have to start building that staircase again, one little constructive brick at a time.  The advice I get is valid.  I am hearing it all.  It is true and it does make sense but at the same time, i don't want to hear it.  I want that fucking fairy tale ending.  I totally feel that I deserve to be happy.  I don't want it to be on the tails of someone who clearly isn't happy, but don't lie to me and tell me you are when in fact you relate to me you don't think you ever have been.  I do want for him to be happy but it was supposed to be with me.  I wanted to believe that every time I was looked at with love or cared for or told and made future plans with, that it was real.  Not like I was being placated.  Is that too much to ask?  I know I deserve better but right now I am still reeling with the shock of what happened. I'm angry.  I'm humiliated and sad.

So today I was attempting to talk myself into the 'your the better person' role and that fucking devil on my shoulder says "that's what he wants.  it would make it easier on him if you are compliant."
Fuck.
This is not who I am or how I think.  I feel like a stranger to myself as much as he is now a stranger to me. I feel like I am trying so many desperate things to feel validated I'm really just grasping at air.  I see the world as black and white.  There is no middle ground.  Even after the passing of my mother, and trying to forgive her, there are things that I just can't.  I keep these things tucked into me to remind me of how either not to be or what to avoid.  Like a hoarder, I collect experiences.  Afraid to let anything go in case I need it.  In case I forget.

So my mission today is to try to recoup some of the damage that has been done recently and get back to living.  Sleep can wait, food will always be there and anxiety can be smoothed over temporary.  I am going to fill my head with all the positive things I can think of me. Of who I am, what I represent.  Identify myself not as something attached like some sort of ugly barnacle but as a single, powerful person.  And if it makes it easier for him, so be it.  I have to get back to the indifference I was shrouding myself with and  stop worrying that I am offending him with my hostility.  It is NOT about what he feels or thinks anymore.  I do NOT have to take him into consideration and I do NOT have to waste my time anymore trying to please and love someone who thinks he is better than me.

*sigh*
I know there will be another time that will crop up and I will self destruct my little bridge again, but I have to keep going. If I feel I need to feel loved, valued and admired, I need to give something to deserve that.  I need to be that. 

Ghost

Song that sums it up

Alone with my apologies

This really sucks.  One day I feel like I am finally accepting what has happened and the next I wake up and its fucking hell.  Only I can't tell if it is a self created hell or one that I am being subjected to.  I feel like I'm drowning. Like there are weights tied to my feet and I'm in water that isn't too deep, but deep enough to go over the top of me.  To where I can see everything going on but I can't do anything but panic and hold my breath and pray for some survival savoir instinct miracle to come upon me. 

I bounce from trying to keep myself on an even keel of it is what it is and I can't change it to feeling so much hatred then back to deep sorrow.  I want to be heard.  I want to be felt.  I want to know that my feelings DO matter.  That I have value in the eyes of someone I love.  I can't continue going around trying to convince myself he's an asshole.  He is a coward but I can't say he is an asshole because why would I be so attached to someone like that?  Granted he and I have had our ups and downs through these years but it has definately been more up than down.  I felt we were learning and growing together at a nice pace that didn't leave one or the other behind or create competition.  He made me want to be a better person and he told me I made him feel the same.

So there he went  to be that better person, but he went without me.

I spent this time being so proud for his accomplishments. Proud for becoming so successful at what he loves to do.  Fully supporting and backing him.  Taking pride in him and who he was and feeling ever so secure in the notion that he loved me.  That we were happy.  That we had a future together.  It's ironic that he tells me that this is what pulled him away from me.  That he can't spend time with someone who isn't as passionate about it as he is.  If that is the way it works, if you can only be happy with someone who shares the same passion as you, I am in for a lonely life trying to find a heterosexual man who appreciates knitting.  It doesn't make sense to me.

So I go to make the effort to be more of a participant and I get talked out of things.  I don't get invited.  I get a talk that tells me I would be miserable anyway.  He tells me he is willing to work on this because we have a lot invested in this relationship and then he doesn't let me.  Complains I am not there enough for him when the whole time I am trying to not be clingy and needy. When I am trying to be so much more a part of his life.

There is a big part of me that knows what is going on.  I don't want to admit defeat.  I don't want to be the person who was so horrible I don't deserve love.  If I can't have what I truly deserve than I want payback.  I want to feel like I have some sort of gain in all of this because right now, I am at my wits end. Literally. I am becoming desperate and horrific.  I am sinking to a level I didn't think I would ever be so weak to get to.  I've had to always be strong.  Always make things work out.  Always get the ends to meet. Always starting over and I am so stuck.  I can't have progress of any kind. 

I don't have the luxury of sticking my head in the sand like he is.  Or building a wall of such animosity towards him like he has done, because it would be false.  I am trying to make my way on my path and I could have counted on him being next to me just a short while ago and now he chooses to not be there for me. With me. I didn't want to be alone.  I didn't want to be with just anyone.  I wanted it to be with someone I felt was a strong partner.  Someone who complimented my life and I could in theirs as well.  Someone who was my best friend.  Someone I could have great sex with and be amazingly attracted to.  Who still makes me laugh and can make me blush and make me want to start new adventures with. 

I'm fucking crushed.  I have no say in anything.  It doesn't matter.  How I feel doesn't matter.  By way of value in how I described, none of these qualities can be found in me according to him.  According to him, I make him miserable.  I will not apologize for who I am and what I am feeling anymore but I am truly sorry that I ever became someone that made anyone feel that way.  I am sorry I couldn't recognize that someone was faking a relationship with me, just to be nice? I don't know.  Why? I apologize for being the kind of person that he could find so easy to walk away from.  I should have expressed myself more.  Kept my vulnerable side open.  Shared more what I was feeling and the passions that I do have.  I have had to bury things for so long in my life that its a part of my survival mechanism and while I am learning, it wasn't good enough.  I apologize for not being more open and communicating what I should have.  I apologize for ever making him feel like I feel now. Alone.

And so it has begun

When this all came about, I was talking to my co-worker about the surreal situation I was in and I half joked saying I was about the same age as my mother was when she had her nervous breakdown and maybe it will happen to me.  She said that wasn't funny and she hopes I don't.

I'm having a nervous breakdown.
I'm out of control for not having any control.  I'm embarrassed.  I have been humiliated. I feel like I'm caged.

I've put in an email to my doctor.  I'm trying to stay calm but really, I am freaking the fuck out.  It took me a year and medication to come to a place where I wasn't depressed or riddled with anxiety or panic attacks for no reason and now its all revisiting me in one fell swoop.

I was so happy.
I think that may have been my first mistake.

I am not sleeping, I can't eat.  My body forces itself to vomit any food introduced.  I can't stop shaking and the racing thoughts are killing me.  Super size the anxiety attack with panic mode, tunnel vision, sweaty hands, non stop crying and racing heart.  I'm trying to stay focused at this time by writing, but god knows what is going to end up happening.


It is taking every ounce of my being to stop myself from participating in self destructive behavior. I want a cigarette so bad.  I feel I could easily drain a bottle of Bourbon.  I have this incesssant need to dig my fingernails deeply into my skin.  I feel like something, anything should make this just go away.

I went psychotic this morning accusing him of pursuing someone else.  I still believe in my heart he is interested in a certain someone but he is going to do nothing but deny it.  I had this inkling several months ago where I thought either he was going to or beginning to have an emotional affair.  It is such a strong intuition its painful.
He says its none of my business.
It feels like it is because while I am stuck living in a house with someone I still love, he is meanwhile, trying to fall in love with someone else and it doesn't get any more devistating than that.
The animosity and hate I feel radiating from him is awful.  He accuses me of being hostile and I think I may be but I just try my best to ignore him.  I can't even look at him because of how deeply I feel these things.  I feel I need to put up a front because I don't want him to know how badly he affects me but at the same time I am silently screaming for him to remember me as he loved me.

I have all these pent up emotions and feelings.  I have this raging passion and sense of devotion and I have no one to bestow it on.  I spent so long thinking about others and trying to be what I thought was a good partner that I literally don't know what to do with myself at this point.  In trying to practice mindfulness I am supposed to acknowledge each feeling and sit with it.  Feel it.  Then let it go.  I feel like I have no where to let it go to and its killing me.

I can't understand where this hate and animosity comes from and not only am I devistated but I am still so very confused.  I get no reaction to anything.  I have no attention coming in from anyone making me feel of value.  Of worth.  No recognition.  I have nothing to run away to to ignore my feelings until they go away because my thing was home.  Family.  I don't expect anyone to provide me with happiness but I feel like I am so alone.  I am craving human contact of the physical and emotional kind in a way I never thought I would.

My body has reached its physical stopping point of too much stress and its shutting down.  I missed my last period due to the stress and I now have a bigger problem of trying to cope with this on my own now too.

I don't want this.  This wasn't how it was supposed to be.  This, THIS is miserable. 

Aiming for parole

This morning I wake up with mixed feelings.  I'm trying so much to be mindful and keep in the present and it sounds pretty easy when the things you are feeling, aren't aggressive or challenging.

The past few days I have just been sliding along.  I have been keeping an open mind and a positive one.  It has been working well.  I have had a couple days where confidence reigned and when you reach that point, everything really seems to come easy to you.  In that frame, I didn't let other people get me down.  I didn't worry about what needed to be done or didn't get done.  I just 'was' and 'did'.  I don't think it was a blissful ignorance, I didn't feel as if I were pushing anything down but I would feel a little this or that and I would sit with it for a moment and then.....just let it go.  I really hope I can recapture this sense today as I just don't like how NOW is going.

In my dream last night appeared someone from my past that I was slightly involved with.  I was infatuated to be honest and I tried to play it off as more 'cool'.  Sometimes when you have certain people in your life, you just KNOW their presence means more than just passing.  Like you really have known them for a lifetime.  Like you are just connected.  I let things happen organically between us and it felt nice.  It was after being alone and having to deal with some really emotionally immature people and when you need grounding in life, it just comes.  Well one day after weeks and weeks of daily talking and seeing each other on a fairly regular basis, he just stops.  One day turns into 3 turns into 4.  I call, leave a light message, nothing. So by nature I am a worrier.  I'm afraid something has happened and I'm just waiting to hear this awesomely terrible excuse about the distance.

Nope.  He finally calls and I demand an explanation.  Bottom line is, he says, "I don't need you in my life right now."

That was when I turned into water and fell all over my kitchen floor. SPLASH!

Just like that. It was said and done.  You offer me nothing I can use in my life and I don't need you for anything because I got what I wanted.


Same situation now.  Same situation it has been in the past.
When I have left someone it was because compatibility wise, it just was nonsense.  Or they were being SUPER clingy.  I have never looked at someone in my life and said "you know, we spend time together, we seem to really get a long and like each other, we have a lot in common and the sex is great, we're like best friends that get to sleep with each other but you know what? I don't think you are going to provide me with what I need."

I truly don't get it.

So in my dream was this one person from my past and when I think about him it just opens a Pandora's box of negativity.  I feel frustrated and sad.  I'm angry and confused again.   I feel what I want most right now is to be near someone, physically close to someone, who will accept me for me.  Who enjoys being in my company.  Who might think I am attractive.  Who would think of me as an equal and I would feel the same.  I know that is what we all want but I feel very disregarded and sitting with a very bruised and scarred ego. At least at this very moment.  Yesterday I didn't feel this way.  Yesterday I was entirely someone else. 

These people from my past, these long ago romantic involvements, they move on.  A lot have gotten married. This is usually the thing that reminds me of my flaws.  They seem so happy, so complete and I think that that is how I was not so very long ago.  And just like they had done, I am not enough.  I know this is bullshit.  I know my value and my worth.  I think maybe I have poor selection in people.  I have been told I am intimidating, I have also been told at the same time I am withdrawn.  I can't necessarily help how I come across.  If I am doing it from honesty and from the heart, why should it be criticized?

I feel far too old to be in the position I am in now.  I feel like I am being punished for something I didn't do and I'm just trying to serve out my sentence as peacefully as possible so I can try for an early parole.

I had plans to spend the day with my kids at the Art museum and find a new place for lunch but due to teenagers being teenagers, I am not sure this will be the plan today.  I was woken up super early on my one day to sleep in and my companion is a large dog that keeps staring at me. So I think what I need to do at this time, is to sit here in how I feel.  Covering each emotion one at a time, not reacting, not responding but just sitting there with them and just.......let each one go.  They are in the way of my inner love and light.

Today is a good day

And one day you wake up and the sky is a beautiful blue.  The clouds couldn't be any more perfect and the sun has a heat that warms your soul.

You know what works?
Mantras

A constant reminder of your worth. Your self. Your gift. Your capacity. Your love.
This does not belong to anyone but you alone.  Realizing no one can take these things from you is valuable.

It has been a rough time.  I am not going to trip the light fantastic about being healed or being the better man or feeling like everything happens for a reason but I am embracing being in the present.  Things are not behind me and things will resurface and haunt my future but this is because it is my life. It all only matters how I react and respond to it.  Feelings, while fleeting and sometimes reckless, have a way of reminding us who we are and what we are made of.  Passions exemplified, awareness of how strong and deep we are.  It is important to be inside of these emotions and at the same time stand on the outside as a voyeur to analyze, reassure and ground ones self.  While at times, difficult, there is always a calm after the storm.  There is love and hate, good and evil, black and white. There are highs and lows,  cold and hot and heavy and light.


You can avoid feelings for only so long before they all at once cripple you with their weight.  In my experience, I have learned that I am the kind of person that cannot act upon first feelings.  There is always something to consider. Always.  Some decisions come easier than others and its a toss up between listening to your heart and your head.  But look who's telling you that....

Instinct is subjective.  You  can make a decision based on challenging your experience or hiding from assumptions.  Either way, it is your choice to make.  This is the peaceful thing about emotions. They serve a purpose.  No matter how vile or delightful, they are a reminder of living. I haven't quite figured out the reasoning behind why we are supposed to feel blessed about being alive.  About seeing everyday as a gift.  I guess this is because I don't believe this is all there is.  I am not afraid of losing it all because just around the bend there is always more.  Taking it all for granted? I suppose but I prefer to think of it as realistic.

At any rate, I am here.  I feel and I love.  I learn and grow.  I am worthy of love and I can give and take with equality.  I am learning and  making mistakes. I can feel free about loving who I am and rightfully accept only those that would enhance my experience.  I can share my love with thoughts, service, presence and intention.  I can keep separate the friend and lover, enjoying that complimentary soul or relishing the physical delight of sex.  I can combine them to have the best of both worlds and I would not be wrong for feeling what I do about any scenario.

I am not a terrible person.  I do no make anyone miserable.  There is a sincere lack of 'awful' about me and I am fully entitled to being hurt when my trust and love has been not only taken for granted but thrown away.  It is difficult to expose yourself for what you are feeling but I am learning it is freeing.  It allows a certain independence within connecting to others and I should never be ashamed of who I am or who I represent as long as I do everything with good intentions and a whole heart.

I won't apologize for my feelings.  I will stop apologizing for who I am.  I can apologize for being hurtful and I will do my best to keep a positive productivity to my well being and of those I surround myself with.
Today is a good day. :)

A consumed brain is a tired brain

Today I haven't cried.  Haven't even teared up.  The whole situation does nothing but sit on my head and brew like a witches potion.  Toxic and vile.  I had someone to talk to today about it all.  It was just a co-worker but I felt human to be able to orally express what I am feeling and thinking.  I'm a puzzle solver.  I feel like I can't move forward with out solving this one.  I'm still confused and trying to pin point things that could have triggered this.  I already know that I will never have the answers, but its compelling all the same.  If there is even remotely a chance I can narrow it down to a reason, a VALID reason, I could maybe feel better.  Be it my fault or his.  I will and can take responsibility for things I could have done better. He refuses to take any blame except to say he shouldn't stay with me if he doesn't love me, because it's not fair to me.  While this may be true, it still doesn't resolve the hows and whys of everything.

I have become someone I am not.  I can't control my rage and anger.  If he is in the room, if I even hear the eternal clicking of his computer that never fucking stops, it makes my skin crawl.  Every little thing bugs the crap out of me and not only do I build up this rage but I say things that are mean and nasty.  It's like I don't even know I am saying anything.  These snarky comments just come out of my mouth and I instantly berate myself for having the nerve to be such a bitch.  But at the same time, I can't apologize.  I tried and almost instantly I went right back to saying something awful. 

Internally I want him to have all of my pain.  I don't care if he takes on mine or acquires his own, I want him to suffer as much as I am.  I know this is wrong and in my heart of hearts I feel bad for thinking it but this is where I stand for now.  I am funneling my anger and feeling of betrayal into wanting revenge and karma to work her magic like RIGHT NOW.  I feel like I won't be satisfied until he feels exactly what I feel so he knows exactly what he has done instead of playing this little, meek sheep who acts like he is the victim here. It irritates me to no end that he goes on like this is all no big deal.  Showing no emotion what so ever.  The same man who cries at the drop of an emotional movie.  This is how I know this is not the same man.  A stranger.  Someone walking around in his skin suit.  That asshole....

So I have told him via text that not only do I feel hostile and will likely remain so but that I think it would be best for now for him to stay far away from me and I stay far away from him.  I stated I will not apologize for my feelings as he won't for his and I warned I will continue to be bitter for awhile. 

I have always had a policy of if I get angry I have to calm down and think things through before I lash out.  I know my temper and I know how detrimental words can be.  Any time I have been upset I have told him that I do not want to talk about it at that time, I need time to process things.  I have learned how to pick my battles this way and setting my priorities.  Time to let emotional flares die down and logic and reason to settle in.  Sometimes I won't even have anything to talk about later because I have already resolved it on my own.  He would get upset with me because I wouldn't talk about whatever right then and there.  This made me NOT want to communicate.  He would also get upset at me if he even remotely thought I was mad at him.  Which he usually assumed, self important people are like this you know...   If it was about him, he invalidated me which is something you should NEVER do to a partner.  He denies doing this but it's my truth.  I lived it.  I have had to deal with working around it.  Making do most of the time by covering up things because I knew he wouldn't handle it well.  I know him better than he thinks I do.  I'm sure he knows me better than I think I do but on the feelings front, I can not stand when people tell me I am wrong.  Clearly it is not something they are experiencing.  It is not their view.  You cannot tell someone they are wrong for feeling the way they do.  That is emotional abuse. 

When he would get into a bad mood the whole air in the house changes.  Everything is thick and dense and tricky. You never know who is going to get lashed out at or for what.  With a micro manager, this can be anything.  I keep my distance from those situations because that is what works for me.  He gets mad because I do this and tells me that is when he needs me to be closer.  This is like opening the cage for a starving lion and trying to give it a hug.  Seriously.  When there is a history of snapping back and blaming others for what you are feeling, people aren't going to rush in to coddle you. 

So I warned him, this way that I have been acting, is why I don't allow myself to get angry.  Why I take a time out.  Because I know what I am capable of and it's not healthy.  So today, with not even seeing his face, I feel a slight bit relieved.  Much better than yesterday where another sobbing fit came over me that I literally could not stop.  God I hate that....

I have thought about (what HAVEN'T I thought about during this whole surreal punishment??) the thing I am trying to grasp at is, I have no control over this.  This was not something I did, it was something done to me.  I don't have a say.  I don't have a choice.  I have to make these sacrificing decisions because that is what I do and I don't want to for someone who could give a shit.  So I'm bitter about it.  I don't feel entitled necessarily but I feel like I have been flung into the mud and I've got to make my way out of it by crawling.  I do understand I have control over my future but that is the far future.  I can make plans and plot goals but it gives me nothing over THIS situation.  I feel almost like a child being punished severely and having rebellion inclinations.  It doesn't help that I can still remember times in the past I have had to tell him to NOT speak down to me like he does his kids.  I fucking hate that. 
But there is that self importance again.

I have a lot of healing to do.  Years in fact.  I don't think I will be able to ever forgive this but that is my cross to bear and I have enough control over myself that even if I don't forgive, I won't punish for it.
I will be damned if I am going to go out of my way anymore though.  I gave enough.

The side effects of lonely

"'Sex' is as important as eating or drinking and we ought to allow the one appetite to be satisfied with as little restraint or false modesty as the other."

Marquis de Sade

One thing I haven't expected to be cropping up in the middle of all my rage and sadness is how lonely I feel.  I HATE being ignored and since that is all I am getting, it gets under my skin and I don't know what to do about how I feel.

I miss the little kisses at those routine times.  I miss the hugs that were meaningful.  Just having any tiny bit of contact instead of these invisible walls we have built up from each other.  It's all right there in front of you, you're just not allowed to touch.

I miss sleeping next to someone.  Listening to their breathing, wondering if everything was ok when they awoke.  Anticipating a seductive touch.  Smelling the smell of him, cuddling on his pillow after he had gone.  Making my plans for the day revolving around my family that was important to me.  I miss being looked at.  Admired, lusted after.  Being noticed.  Any compliment that always made me blush and embarrassed.  When I have been told I look sexy or pretty or nice.  Complimented on a meal I made, a thank you for doing some mundane thing.  Chatting about nothing and everything.
Listening to the radio and talking back to it like it was a third person in the room. 

I crave his hands on my body and to be able to slowly and delicately touch his.  To leave kisses where I would travel and pull tightly towards me what I desired.  The deep kisses, the fierce passion.  Watching him enjoy being with me. Watching him concentrate on something.  Feeling that connection on a deeper level.

I feel like this is all I think about lately and I am constantly reminded of how much I am NOT wanted.  Such a burden, such a turn off.  Something grotesque that can't even be looked at.  I can't look most of the time because I just anticipate it is going to be the old him back.  That he will look at me like he did not two months ago and know how connected we are, have been, would yet to be.

As a woman I am prone to insecurities as it is, but this really isn't helping matters. 

A very real pain

A very real pain

 Having an emotional affair is far too easy and extremely damaging.

It wasn't love

"Love is predicated on receptivity, on opening up again and again and again to your beloved, each time afresh. To do this, you have to let go of insisting that he or she conform to your standards for what a lover should look like, do, be, say, and instead allow him or her to simply be him or herself. Then you take it from there. To do otherwise, to continually choose who you wish this person was over who he or she actually is, is, well, it’s not love. I don’t know what it is."

words that hit home

Losing Your Magic

Last night was tedious dreaming.  I dreamed I was going to a show, it was supposed to be the greatest thing ever.  3-D imaging, live performances, interaction.... It sounded amazing.  I was in a very crowded theater but was lucky enough to have seats in the second row.  It had a very party atmosphere, there were people everywhere. Drinking, laughing, flirting; just a general happy vibe.  I was seated in between a guy who I guess was supposed to be G but didn't look like him and I didn't want to kick him in the balls. On my right was a kid, I think it was supposed to be Logan because I had a motherly way with him. 
The show started and it was amazing.  There were so many things going on, it kept flipping like showing a movie on the screen then going to a ringmaster of sorts who would invite out some sort of act.  It was like a circus but more like a raucous Rocky Horror setting. I was mesmerized by things I saw on the giant screen, I can't remember exactly what they were but it was fantastic.
Our seats went back, it was like we were all laying on our backs.  I kept my feet in my seat, scrunched up which made me feel even more like a roller coaster effect.  I knew we weren't laid back that far but it felt like there was no gravity, but at the same time gravity holding us down.  It was a weird sensation. The screen was projected overhead and we were given a warning sign that the next section, with test audiences, had a rating of like 2.5 on the nausea scale.  So you might want to take out small children or those prone to motion sickness.  It was intense.  It was like one of those 'rides' they have where you climb into a big pod and you watch this movie.  There are the sounds all around you, the chairs move and the whole pod waves around and lurches in time to the scenes.  I remember smiling and thinking that it was like being in a planetarium but better.

There was an intermission and people went around mingling and carrying on.  I kept getting approached by celebrities that would come up to me out of the blue just to tell me how beautiful I was.  I was embarrassed and stunned.  They were random celebrities too, like Steven Tyler, Pat Benetar, Ed Helms, some older dude that was so very intoxicated and kept trying to kiss my neck.  The intermission was over and I was told that there was only one more act and I didn't believe them.  But there really was and I was surprised at that.

I was at some sort of low-key block party with friends and I was relating to them all about the show.  How amazing it was and worth every penny.  How you will never see another show in your life and not compare it to this.  It was a beautiful day and I was in a neighborhood I had never been in before.  The houses were stunning in a classic way and I was in love with being there.  I remember at some point being in the back of a car with a few other girls and they were driving around a neighborhood and pointing out local "landmark" things like where the Evans boys did that one thing and that girl lived that used to do such and such.  They were gossipy but I was drawn in.  I stayed quiet until I was dropped off at a house.

While at the block party there was a woman that came into our casual party scene.  She was dressed interestingly, like some sort of forest warrior of sorts.  Soft leather dress, hair free and beautiful.  She carried either a sword or bow and arrow, I can't be sure.  She was asking me if I knew anything about the red clay.  I was taken aback because I had no idea what she was talking about.  I asked her for more information and she told me her name and that she had spoken to someone on the phone awhile back about keeping some red clay for her.

I went into a house to look for someone I knew who might be able to help her.  I found this woman in a bathroom and she was doing something, fixing?; in the tank of the toilet.  I told her who this woman was and what she was wanting and she realized what I was talking about.  Then all of a sudden I knew the story.

The forest lady had asked this friend of mine a long time ago to keep this bundle of red clay for her.  It was about the size of a bowling ball and she was to keep it in a safe place where no one would find it and if anyone came to ask about it, deny its knowledge.  But my friend got mad at one point and threw it out a window.

I offered to drive this forest woman around to try to see what she could feel.  Apparently this ball of clay had some sort of telepathic connection with her and she was going to try to locate it.  We drove down roads I was not familiar with and I asked her what direction I should go at a crossroads, she said to make only rights.  The roads were gravel and dusty, we traveled sometimes amid trees and sometimes across fields.  I came to a dead end at a bluff overlooking a river and turned around.  There was a road that looked like it led to a farm in the distance but it was gated and no way down it.  I asked if she could collect new clay and she told me it took her many years to build that up.  That she could only find little bits at a time.  She would just be walking through the forest and instinctively  be driven to where she could find it.  I felt her sorrow.  She lost this magic thing she needed and couldn't replace.

We were back at the neighborhood and I was brainstorming on how I could help her.  I found a girl that knew the other one who was supposed to have kept the clay safe.  I asked her if she knew anything about it and she volunteered that she knew.  Just very nonchalantly.  She said she saw her throw it out the window and it landed on the roof of the house across the street.  We looked at this big, white house across from us and sure enough there was this blob of mud on the roof.  We began thinking of how we were going to get it.  The people in the house were not friendly so there was no way we could just ask.  There were hostile so it was going to be tricky.  We had an idea that we would wait until they went to bed and use a ladder to climb up and retrieve the clay.  It seemed very risky but she was desperate to have it.  After some time of plotting and trying to figure out better ways to go about the task, someone said we could just climb the tree next to the house and climb up that way.  Then we wouldn't have to worry about the ladder situation.

It was a brilliant plan and we were warned about the location of the clay being over the parents bedroom.  A boy had a room on the right and would have been a better angle to get at it but the tree and other bedroom was on the left.  It was going to be tricky, but she knew she could handle the task.


When I am reminded of how the other people we see in our dreams are just extensions of ourselves, this dream makes a lot of sense to me.  There are very many correlations to this dream and what I have been experiencing as of late.  I wish I had more prophetic dreams, to relive the same anxiety over again is taxing for sure.

Invasion of the Body Snatchers

It is very difficult to stay out of my head.  The negativity, the feelings of worthlessness, the loss, feeling alone.  I constantly flip through the photo album in my head and it just brings me down.  He still acts like nothing is going on and everything in the world is wonderful.

He has had months to prepare for this.  Sizing me up, listing my flaws, noting every thing I do/did that he hates.  He has categorized and boxed up all the reasons he feels are valid in this decision that he made.  I didn't have that.  I didn't get that advantage.  It was out of the blue and not only that but he literally said it was my fault.  My fault because I didn't communicate with him.  I didn't communicate with him when I was feeling sad about our anniversary of engagement and he had recently told me he changed his mind.  My fault because I made him miserable.  My fault because he was unhappy. 

I'm supposed to cry.  I'm supposed to wallow in my pain and grief and it is supposed to help me through this.  I am supposed to lean on a good friend (who was him) and I am supposed to clear out anything that reminds me of him.

We have to live in the same fucking house.

I deactivated my facebook page because it's bad enough I get to experience first hand that he is not affected by this but to be subjected to seeing him interact with women.  I have never been the jealous type but now, for some reason, I am so overly irrational with jealousy.  It's ridiculous.  Both of us had stated several times over in our relationship that we were it for each other.  We were going the long haul and it boils me to think someone can replace me just like that. Like I'm a god-damn t shirt.

I'm embarrassed. I'm weary and I have been buried alive.  I am suffocating in a sense of self loathing because I was told it was my fault.  Because I wasn't good enough.  I know my worth and I know this is bull shit but for him to say these things to me just to make himself feel better is horrible.  I'm angry because I wasted so much time and effort and caring and love and patience.  I'm angry because I hurt.   I'm angry because I can't stop fucking crying and I just want to erase all memories of him because I'm sick with grief.  It's like seeing him and feeling like it's not him anymore.  Like someone else took over his body.  It looks like him, talks like him, it's not him though.

Toxic

I feel so much hatred and rage.  My mind is a swirling vortex of what ifs and whys and it just hurts even more.  I am becoming more bitter and more toxic.  I'm so mad at this whole situation.  I am having to take advil pm to get maybe half a nights rest.  A restless one at that.  I am sleeping on a pallet on the floor.  On the floor in between four kids, two other rooms.  I have no privacy now.  For someone that feels so alone, I sure as hell can't find a place to get away to.

I don't know what to do with myself.  I feel like I am crawling out of my skin with so much restlessness and regret.  I can't focus on anything and my stomach is constantly rebelling against me.  More so than usual.  I am eating a meal a day at this point and its difficult to say the least.

I spent a long time on my own.  I "dated" every now and then.  Although I wouldn't call it dating, men don't take me out.  They 'hang out' with me.  I spent a long time working on me and what I wanted and I thought I had it.  I know what happens to women my age who get dumped.  It's fucking tragic and pathetic.  So here I am at 39 and three quarters, living like some college kid, sleeping on a floor and wondering what the hell tomorrow is going to bring.
I nailed pathetic.

I'm not stupid.  I know why he lost it for me.  Even if he pretends not to know, I know.  It makes me melt into a puddle of my own tears.  It makes me think of what an asshole he is.  Every good thing I ever had thought about him, I don't now.  Pride and ego overstepped into my life and I can't forgive this.  I know I am supposed to forgive things but there are things I don't.  Not a lot of things but enough that I have squirreled away a section of my heart devoted just to keeping these things locked up so I know better than to make the same mistakes again.  I can't stand to be here, around him, and I don't have a choice. 

This was one big mistake.
I am full of and constantly being bombarded by the regret that I have for any of this.
I should have walked away a long time ago when I thought I should instead of giving him more chances.

This article is amazing.  I can relate to so many things on here about what I have gone through.  The only thing is, he would deny, deny. deny.
I know my truth.
It Wasn't Love

Lobotomy

Yesterday was bad.  It didn't start out that way but after I got home and settled, I had been approached by him with a disgruntled. "hi."  Later sitting on the couch, I was glared at as he went into the other room and I couldn't handle it anymore.  My head started sobbing and crying and carrying on.  All I kept thinking about were memories of us. Our lives together and all the things that made us happy.  It kept reminding me there were things in the future we had planned and it fucking broke me.  I just couldn't stop.

Meanwhile he is on the couch watching movies.  Nothing going on at all.  I have never been treated so coldly before.  I had some things to say so I finally said them.  I had to admit that I still loved him and I wanted to know exactly where I stood.  Bottom line is, he does not love me.  He does not want to be with me and whatever we had basically means shit all because I am not someone else.

I have been abandoned before, but nothing like this.  He was not happy because I was not someone else.  I don't understand this concept at all.  How you can say you loved someone for years and then out of the blue tell that person they made you unhappy because they weren't someone else.  I feel like the whole relationship was a lie.  I don't even know what my purpose was being here.  It's not as if I ever misrepresented myself.  It's not like I became someone else entirely.  Any change I have had was for the better and now I can't trust that.  I feel manipulated and thrown away.  I feel like whatever I had to offer is pointless and a waste.  I have never felt such a loss of pride in my life.  Never.  It's amazing how he can take not only my future, my love, my ego, self confidence and my past with him and just toss it away because he decided he pines for someone else.

I talked to his sister the other night who said even though she is not in the situation she told me it's not my fault.  She said she would pray for me.  She said he has been battling issues for his whole life and he has this anger problem.  I know this.  I was really hoping this was just one of his episodes where he finally calms down and realizes what he has done but this is not the case.  When I MAKE him look at me, all I see is he is thinking of someone else and it cuts deep into my heart.

He still wants to be able to share lives together and that really pisses me off.  Why would I want to treat or have someone as a friend that betrayed me in the worst way?  Why does he not understand this?  He shows no emotion.  This is nothing to him.  This is just me being over emotional about something that isn't a big deal to him.  He is tired of my carrying on and weeping and pining over him and he just wants me to be nice and friendly to him.

I just want to be able to go away forever.  I want my last 6 years back.  I want all my love and devotion and time, effort and energy back.  Why would I ever invest into someone that doesn't reciprocate?  I wish I had never met him.  I wish I didn't have the past 6 years of memories in my head and everywhere I go, only to be reminded CONSTANTLY that I am being told I am not good enough.  I want to take everything I learned from him, from this relationship and just get rid of it.  It was all a waste.  Just like every other relationship in my life.
Full. Of. Shit.
If there was a lobotomy to erase everything about him and us, I would go to extremes to get it.

I have to go pretend I'm ok now.

It's perfect that it's a cloudy morning

It's morning and I spent most of the night drifting in and out of an awake sleep, maybe crying, I don't know, but having that fucking song "I Hate Everything About You" by Ugly Kid Joe in my head.

I spent the better part of last evening bawling, I just could not for the life of me stop.  It was just a never ending wail inside of me that just made everything hurt so much more.  I'm still a weepy mess this morning.  I know I have to go through this and I am supposed to feel everything as I get to it and not block it but it's tearing me down.  All the while I'm sure it's doing nothing but boost his ego.  "Oh look how much power I have over her".

I made a copy of the letter he left me with and I am deeply considering scanning it and posting.  Just so I will have a definitive reminder of exactly what he did to me.  If I don't stay angry, I just stay sad.  I would rather be seething with rage than a puddle of emotions saying I love him.  I'm having to come to terms that our whole relationship was a lie.  That is the only thing I can think of as to what is going on.  Why?  I don't know.  I feel used.  I feel emotionally drained and manipulatively confused.  I see him for who he really is now.  Not this saintly projection he wants everyone to see and think he represents.  Like a psychopath.

Psychology today defines a psychopath as
"Psychopaths, on the other hand, are unable to form emotional attachments or feel real empathy with others, although they often have disarming or even charming personalities. Psychopaths are very manipulative and can easily gain people’s trust. They learn to mimic emotions, despite their inability to actually feel them, and will appear normal to unsuspecting people. Psychopaths are often well educated and hold steady jobs. Some are so good at manipulation and mimicry that they have families and other long-term relationships without those around them ever suspecting their true nature."

I'm not saying he is a criminal but this really is what I see.  I have had years of him manipulating and being afraid to even talk to him at times just because I know how he would turn things around.  It was never his fault.  Never.  I think the 'empathy' he feels is more a selfish design.  He doesn't really understand.  He alone holds everything to his standards.  His way of feeling.  It's exhausting.

I'm not trying to diagnose for the sake of not having and responsibility in this but this is such a drastic and sudden thing that I feel like I need to find some sort of theory as to what the hell is going on.  I KNOW I am not a bad person.  I was a good woman to him. Devoted, caring, loving, accepting. The things that he said about me, I can own up to having a few of those faults.  But to be so mean about it? To act like he did absolutely nothing wrong? To tell ME I am not good enough for HIM?  I knew he had an ego but this is complete denial.  It's mental.  To act like nothing is happening?  To go "years" feeling this kind of hate against me?  He acts like I shot his dog and ran away with his gal. Just being mad at me for being upset is fucking ludicrous. It's like I am absorbing everything from this relationship and he is just shedding it for me to take in. 

Today is moving day.  As in, I am moving my things upstairs to the room in between the boys and girls rooms.  Today because I said I was planning on having it done by today and when I say I will do something, I do it.  I am going to have to scale down what I have which is something I don't want to do because I feel like I have to sacrifice so much, that I have already.  I look around the house and all I see is mine, his, mine, his, his, his....  It's just things but attachment is a powerful ego.  As it goes, I am going to have to be the one to go through everything to separate because he won't. If it were up to him he would save it for last minute and then be pissed off about it and an asshole.

I just can't get over how much of a blow this is for me.  I felt so secure and safe.  I was looking forward to things.  I feel like I was climbing a mountain with him and he scaled higher, leaving me behind and cut my ropes to leave me to fall.

I wish for so many things right now.  Some bad, some good but mostly I wish I had the means to run away.  Just be done with it.  He can have his beautiful, perfect, delusional life and I can have my reality.  Instead my reality is this. 
It's a nightmare and I fucking hate him.

When do you run out of tears?

Today turned into a horrible day.  It started out fine, had my dose of insomnia and my morning was going as it should have.  My work day was keeping me busy, I started to get the blahs.  On my last two dogs, I wanted to just cry.  I wanted to curl up in a ball in a dark corner and cry until I had nothing left.
So I held back.
I kept tearing up and I kept strong.
I promised I would let myself have a good one when I got home.

What I really wanted to do was get dinner started for the kids and he was in the kitchen.  On his computer.
Like that is a surprise.
I didn't want him in there.
I sat down and quietly sobbed.  There is no hiding sobbing.  It is what it is but I don't want to be dramatic.  I'm fucking hurting.

So a cry in the shower.

Try not to continue crying while making dinner.

I'm still in shock.  I have so many things racing in my mind about what he did, who he is, who the hell he thinks he is, why, what. the. fuck.

I'm having a very bad day and my best friend told me I am worth nothing to him.

Furious

It just so happens around the 3 year anniversary of being asked for my hand in marriage, at the culmination of a six and a half year relationship, my partner decided he did not want me in his life anymore.  Exact words were "You make me miserable." "You're kids are awful." and "I have felt this way for years."  You could have knocked me over with a feather.
Seriously.
We have had our ups and downs through the years and it always felt to me like anytime we had gone through a rough patch, we seemed stronger on the other side.  Either I am the biggest idiot for not seeing it or he was the best actor.  At any rate, I was told I wasn't who he wanted me to be (who the hell says that to someone anyway?) and I basically was not good enough for him.

He had started to drift away a bit with his own hobbies and circles and I was fine with occasionally joining him.  I don't feel a couple need be joined at the hip at all times, how exhausting is that? I also feel its important for each to have their own interests.  Why should I have the same passions as he? It's not like I was being catered to at all.  He needs to be the center of attention.  He thrives on it, he is creating his world around people noticing him and liking him. They HAVE to like him.  There is also a bit of a superiority complex going on which is fantastic at times of moodiness.  Why should I even try to compete with that?  Why should I also have to fangirl all over someone I already give my all too?  I didn't understand why he took it so personally that I didn't always want to go with him.  Sometimes physical pain takes precedence. Sometimes I need to be alone.  Alone is good for me.  It recharges me and I don't feel like I am being used all the time.

My love language is in service.  I didn't grow up with physical affection and it has taken me a long time to even get where I am today.  Instead I show my affections by doing for the other person.  By providing, by listening, by communication.  It shuts down ones communication when you always tell them what they are feeling is wrong.  Invalidation is a very mean tool to manipulate with.  We always seemed to come out of counseling sessions a bit better.  Able to finally see eachother's point of view.

I  was easier to walk away from than trying.  I wasn't loved unconditionally.  I was constantly judged and scrutinized.  Every single time that man took some sort of issue with me where I wasn't meeting his standards, I did my very best to change for the better.  I was told things I was NOT allowed to do or say to him.  He constantly held the relationship hostage.  If I didn't change, he was going to leave.

Of course when you love someone, you don't want them to be unhappy, you change.  I asked one thing from him. ONE.  That when I am upset or angry about something and I don't/can't talk about it at that time, to please not be mad at me.  If I say it isn't about him, he needs to trust me.  This worked up until the point of our anniversary of engagement.  About a month before I was told he changed his mind about wanting to marry me.  When he said I made him miserable.  So naturally when the time came around I was sad.  I was withdrawn.  I was asked in a snarky tone what is wrong with me NOW?  I totally wanted to divulge my sadness then, right?  I wasn't ready to explain how I was feeling because it was because of him I was sad.  So enter the next couple of days of him being angry at me for being upset over something he did.  This culminated in me having to calm down, organize my thoughts, process feelings and finally being able to talk to someone who wouldn't even look at me.
I get a three page letter the next day detailing out how ever since the beginning I have made him unhappy.  So many of my faults, according to him, he listed.  He detailed how shitty of a person I am, how shitty my kids are.  How I don't nor never have given him what he needs.
I took a hammer to his engagement ring I took off the month before when he said it was off, "for now." 
I angry cried.  Most of the morning as the coward that he was left to go hiking.  With a bit of his entourage.  Coming back wanting to hear me say he was right.  I was supposed to agree with him I was worthless?
Really?
After all I had felt and put forth?  I wasn't affectionate enough, I didn't discipline enough, I didn't take passion for the things he took passion with, I didn't like to be surrounded by people, I didn't have a better job, I have troubles with my health...
What. An. Asshole.
It all came crashing down.  All I could think about were all the times he was mean to me.  How he said I was "awful at relationships, just terrible" How I bring him down.  How I don't try enough.  How I made him miserable.

I felt so angry.  Confused and angry.  I thought we had a partnership, I thought we were close.  That we liked so many of the same things and just enough of different things to keep us interesting.  We had such a sense of humor and appreciation for life and things.  Wanted the same things out of life. I was led to believe we were going to grow old together.  We had plans, ideas of how this was going to work out.  Why would someone put forth all this time and effort and deepness to someone who makes them miserable? Why lie to me?  For years?

I wasn't with him because I needed him, I was with him because I WANTED to be with him.  Here was someone that made me feel I wanted to be a better person.  He had his moody times and I was damn patient.  I put up with a lot of bullshit NO other woman would have.
He was my best friend.

Now he is a stranger.
I am disgusted to look at him.  I want to destroy things when I think about what he did to me and his reasoning.  How he strung me along for years.  And now, because of him, having just recently signed a new lease, I have to remain living under the same roof as him.  I am in a house with someone else and I have never felt so lonely in my life.  Even when I lived alone.  I can't come home and ask how his day was, have him tell me what is going on at his work.  Make plans for the weekends, decide what we will do for dinner.  Watch tv with.  Laugh with.  I have no one to hug me when I need it and I have no one to kiss me goodnight or goodbye.  He is right here and I can't say or do anything about what I lost in this.  My everything was selfishly robbed.  I looked forward to our future and now we have none.

When you put your all into something or someone, it takes a part of you.  Because it IS you that you put into it.  That is a part of what love means. When that someone doesn't want you, tells you that you are not good enough for them, it's like having a part of you ripped out and you are left with this hole.  This empty space that used to complete you is now just gone.  You are incomplete.  I can't fight for him.  It is done.  I have no trust for him and all the respect and admiration I had left with that part of me he took.
The thing is, there is nothing he gave to me that I can't give myself.  In fact, I can love deeper and with more empathy and patience than he will ever have.  I am working on filling that space again. Filling it with me.
I am beginning a spiritual journey in the next month.  It is something I have been drawn to more and more over the years and I have no idea where it is going to take me, but it's where I need to go.  I will be attending a Buddhist meditation retreat for 7 days.  It is going to be strict, it is regimented and it is going to be filled with things I know nothing about.  I am scared as hell and I am so excited about it.  I also feel afraid something will happen to take this away from me, as lately my whole everything was taken, and I won't get to attend but I am telling myself how important this is for me.  This is not optional. I have GOT to do something for me for once instead of looking out for everyone else.  I have the ways and the means to do this and it needs to happen. I sure as hell can't even get a weekend in New Orleans like I always wanted but this is going to happen.

In a way I feel superior emotionally.  I have a better sense of love and kindness and I don't need to parade it around that I am doing so.  I proved I can love without judgement and scrutiny.  I have started over so many god damn times in my life with next to nothing and I am so tired of it.  Soul weary, but this time, I'm going to let go.  I am not going to worry about how I am going to acquire what I need, I am going to appreciate that I have all I need.  Loving someone isn't about having another half, it's about two wholes coming together to make another whole.  It's about being your partners cheerleader and shoulder to cry on.  Its enjoying life and laughing, viewing all that the world has to offer and stay up late together talking about life and love and giggling about nonsense.  It's being nice to them without effort.
Not being nicer to the world around you than you are with your love.  It's not taking them for granted.  Not assuming.  Its not undervaluing them.  It's what we had, or at least I thought.  For years this was the role he played in my life.  Then you go to school and you hang out with the cool kids and then you can't even tell your friend hi cause then you won't be cool anymore....

Things really suck emotionally right now.  I just keep saying it won't kill me and take one day at a time.  Not think too hard on the great times and not dwell on the bad.

Hopefully my anger  won't burn me from the inside out.